thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest September 13: Early Access Rings of Power, Taylor Swift, Vacations, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-14 00:00:05 +0000 UTCMetal Band Forced To Watch Every Episode of “Rings of Power” To Find Unused Band Name
By RICHMOND, Va. — Members of a new unnamed metal band were forced to watch every episode of the Amazon Prime show “Rings of Power” to find an unused franchise reference as a band name, sources who want their precious confirmed.
“This fucking sucks, all the good Tolkien-themed band names are already taken and now we have to sit through this garbage show to find some new name that hasn’t been used,” said guitarist Kyle Richards. “Those bands in the ‘80s and ‘90s really had it good with all those names like Gorgoroth, Amon Amarth, Nazgul. After watching all these shitty episodes, what are we going to name ourselves? Poppy Proudfoot? The Stranger? We might as well just be a ska band and call ourselves ‘The Tom Bombadils’ and get it over with.”
Other band members say there must be another way for a metal band to find a name that has not been used from the Tolkien Universe.
“There’s gotta be a way we don’t have to keep watching that trainwreck of a show. I mean obviously, we’re not going to go read the books because who has the attention span to even do that anymore but can’t we just look up names on Wikipedia or something?” said singer Rob Lumford. “And like, what is even going on in this show? It’s no mystery who the guy with the gray robes and beard is, that’s obviously Gandalf. And then Sauron, which is another band name that’s already taken, turns out to just be some regular-ass-looking dude. And now there’s a second season of this shit? Fuck!”
Metal historian Brian Merchant says new metal bands are running dangerously low on names pulled from “Lord of the Rings” lore and may be forced to look elsewhere.
“At this point, it seems like all the good Tolkienesque names are already taken and bands might want to think about actually calling themselves something else, possibly from another fantasy-based piece of fiction, or even sci-fi,” said Merchant. “New bands might want to think about ‘Dune’ since there are the movies and a new show coming out. There’s got to be enough evil-sounding names in all that. Otherwise,they’ll have to pick something from ‘Harry Potter,’ but I would only do that as a last resort. No one is going to take you seriously if you call yourself ‘Slytherin.’”
At press time, the band members had decided to look into the world of “Dungeons and Dragons” to find a name, but after two weeks have not yet been able to even figure out how to play the game.
Vanity Obsessed? Taylor Swift Just Started Working at This In-N-Out To Stop a Teen From Getting Employee of the Month
By Amir Adan
The In-N-Out in Prescott, Arizona, might look unassuming from the outside, but a quick look inside tells an entirely different store. That’s right—Grammy award-winning superstar Taylor Swift is behind the grill cooking up fresh burgers to order, all to ensure local teenager Tess Lauer doesn’t get Employee of the Month at the franchise.
We asked manager Celeste Haberman more about the surprising new hire, and she told us, “Listen, I was just as shocked as anyone else when she came and applied! She said she wanted a job, and I just kinda assumed it was a social media thing or something. But boy, I’ll tell ya what—she’s killin’ it on the grill! She comes in every morning right on time and hasn’t missed a single day. If that’s not Employee of the Month material, I don’t quite know what is.”
Not everyone has been so happy about this new development, though. Tess, a cashier at the restaurant and former fan of the pop icon, was super excited at first to be working alongside Swift. “I couldn’t believe it at first! I was over the moon. The thought of me training my favorite artist on our POS system was thrilling!”
But that thrill turned to tension when she learned the singer-songwriter was in the running to clinch Employee of the Month.
“Look, she’s cool. I get it’s fun having her around, I really do, but I’ve been working here for 2 years, and I’ve been really grinding away for this Employee of the Month spot. It’s been years in the making for me! She was literally hired weeks ago, and now she’s being considered for the number one spot, even though I’ve been a favorite to get it real soon. So fucking frustrating.”
According to Taylor, she’s not in it for the prestige or status that comes with Employee of the Month, but for love of the game. “This is all about my artistic journey. Any recognition I get along the way is just a bonus for me. I love what I do, and I’m just thrilled to share my work with people every day—burgers or otherwise.”
We asked Taylor’s management what’s next for the pop darling, and they confirmed with us that she’s aiming to get hired at an area Best Buy and is strategizing with her team on how to secure Salesperson of the Month after being onboarded.
Countdown to Vacation Seamlessly Transitions to Countdown to Going Home
By TULUM, Mexico — Only 48 hours into her long-awaited vacation, 29-year-old Abigail Mahoney started calculating the number of days until she could return to her one-bedroom apartment in Montclair, New Jersey, baffled sources confirmed.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” said Mahoney from her hotel balcony as she gazed out over the sparkling aquamarine ocean. “I’ve been looking forward to this trip for literal months. But now that I’m here, I want it to be over. There’s a flimsy sliding door that separates the bathroom from the bedroom, so when my boyfriend’s in there I can hear Montezuma’s revenge in fortissimo. Plus I’m sick of having to go to restaurants for every meal. I just want to eat Frosted Flakes on the couch.”
“That’s right, the same couch I languished on every night, wishing I could hit ‘fast-forward’ and be in Mexico,” Mahoney added with a sad shake of her head.
Local observers corroborated Ms. Mahoney’s account that the trip was rapidly losing its luster.
“She seems to be having an ataque de nervios,” said Luis Ramirez, the manager of the luxury resort at which Ms. Mahoney and her boyfriend were staying. “Instead of relaxing by the pool or in the ocean, I see her all day looking at the Montclair Buy Nothing Facebook group on her phone. At first I thought maybe she was not satisfied with the services, but the on-site masseuse told me the señorita asked her for the Spanish translation of ‘ennui.’”
Dr. Caroline Fitzpatrick, a licensed psychologist with a private practice on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, said this phenomenon is common amongst her upper-middle-class clientele.
“For many people, vacation is a helpful daydream: something to look forward to as a mental break from the challenges and drudgeries of daily life. But like all fantasies, once it’s actualized, the person ends up feeling disappointed,” said Pinkler. “Either that or this young woman is just a spoiled, miserable person who will never be happy in the moment for as long as she lives.”
At press time, Mahoney was on the plane back to Newark, already beginning to plan and count down the days till her next vacation.
I Spray Painted “BUSH” on a Stop Sign in 2004 and That Was the Height of My Activism
I Spray Painted “BUSH” on a Stop Sign in 2004 and That Was the Height of My Activism
By Mimi Kenny
These days it seems like everyone is a political activist. At least, they like to think of themselves as such. Except, they don’t know their history. While I don’t bear any ill will towards the younger generation in their fight for a better world, they appear to be sadly ignorant of their elders who fought before them. To be more specific, I’m referring to the time when, I, a 16-year-old in 2004, spray-painted “BUSH” on a stop sign in my Ohio town.
I was on my way back from seeing “Chronicles of Riddick” at the dollar theater with my buddy Sven – basically the most fun you could have in Logan, Ohio. We were blasting the CD of “Rock Against Bush Vol. 1” he got from his brother at Oberlin. Well, Ministry’s “No W” must’ve been really hitting, because next thing I knew, I was having Sven act as lookout while I used a can of black spray paint and my burgeoning need to speak truth to power to turn a stop sign two blocks from where the Dairy Queen used to be into a vessel of civil disobedience.
Was this risky? Was it ever. After all, we lived in the kind of place where “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers were more popular than mufflers on cars, and if my father found out I stole that spray paint out of our garage he might actually murder me. But I had seen a photo of the same thing on the Something Awful boards, which led me down a whole rabbit hole about lies about WMDs and the Patriot Act and also some RealPlayer clips of Jon Stewart that activated my radical switch. I couldn’t vote – and even if I could, this John Kerry guy seemed like something of a stiff. But I could still make my voice heard. And through my courageous action, the likely-thousands of people who stopped at that intersection between September and October 2004 were forced to reckon with the fact that the 43rd President might not be the golden cowboy they thought he was.
Naturally, I was deeply disappointed to learn of Bush’s re-election. But I realized my action almost certainly influenced some voters. I saw six other “STOP BUSH” signs in Logan and neighboring towns between 2005 and 2008. Without hesitation, I can confidently say my letting the first domino fall made that possible. And now, 20 years later, we wake up every morning in a country where George W. Bush is no longer President.
You’re welcome.
More From The Hard Times:
VeggieTales Characters Ranked On Likelihood of Becoming a Doomsday Cult Leader
Every Suffocation Album Ranked Worst to Best
JK Rowling Dead Named as “Beloved” Author
BY Sean Fallon
LONDON — Controversy continues to swirl around author JK Rowling who was recently dead named by her former title of “beloved.”
“It’s outrageous,” tweeted Annabelle Snail, a self-proclaimed expert on gender whose knowledge of the subject appears to begin and end with blue is for boys, pink is for girls. “These gender terrorists seem to think they can do whatever they like. Calling JK Rowling by her deadname of ‘beloved’ is beyond the pale. She has not answered to that title for a long time now and intends to never be known as ‘beloved’ ever again.”
Fans of the Harry Potter writer were divided on the issue with some saying it was dangerous for her to demand that she no longer be referred to by her previous title.
“I worry what comes next,” said John Boil, an adult man who regularly posts online about waiting for his letter to Hogwarts. “Will we see writers like Neil Gaiman, Orson Scott Card, and Graham Linehan referred to as ‘cult favorites’ or ‘not scumbags’. Those are titles they’ve long since abandoned. In 2024, those names refer to different people and it’s irresponsible to refer to Linehan for example as anything other than his chosen descriptor of ‘TERF prick’ or ‘incredibly divorced loser’.”
A writer for the Daily Mail who was first accused of the dead-naming has since apologized.
“It was an error,” said Gary Schitt, a longtime writer for the Daily Mail and proud champion of straight rights. “Joanne Rowling who wrote the Harry Potter books under the initials JK to appeal to male readers who she believed wouldn’t want a book by a woman and who also goes by the male pen name Robert Galbraith, is a staunch believer in presenting yourself exactly as you were born. She was not born a ‘beloved’ writer and she will not die a ‘beloved’ writer so I must apologize for referring to her by that title.”
At press time, Rowling insisted that she has no intention of going back to her former titles and would like to be referred to as “unhinged lunatic” for the foreseeable future.
PS5 Pro to Be Bundled with Dildo Attachment for Fanboys to Ride
BY Matt Fresh
SAN MATEO, Calif, — Big news for PlayStation fanboys as Sony has announced that every PS5 Pro will come bundled with a dildo attachment for them to ride.
“This is a console specifically designed with our most hardcore fans in mind,” said PlayStation CEO Herman Hulst in a press release. We know that a $700 console with no games is a tough ask in this economy and that’s why we want to reward our most staunch supporters and defenders by finally giving them what they’ve always wanted from their PlayStation. So we’re proud to announce that all PS5 Pros will be bundled with a dildo attachment that hooks onto the console, finally allowing our biggest fans to ride their PlayStation.”
PlayStation fanboys on Twitter reacted extremely positively to the news.
“Another W for Sony,” posted PlatinumPS54763. “They are the king of gaming for a reason. The PS5 Pro is the greatest gaming machine ever created and it’s priced accordingly. This one is for the real fans and true gamers. Being able to play my PS4 games with slightly more detail in the far background is a game changer and now they’ve finally made our dreams come true with the dildo attachment. It’s no longer a fantasy, Xbots can longer tell us our PS won’t sleep with us.”
Hulst was asked by a fan why they went with a dildo attachment instead of designing the console with a lubricated hole.
“We thought about the ways in which we could implement the ability for our warriors to finally live out their fantasies with the console and there was really only one logical choice. While we’re happy to finally allow our fans to have intercourse with their PlayStation, a lubricated hole would allow them to screw us but we must always be the ones doing the screwing.”
At press time, Sony has announced that gamers can buy the vibrator attachment for an additional $80.
Matt Walsh’s “Am I Racist?” Breaks Record For World’s Shortest Feature Film With 1-Second Runtime
BY NASHVILLE — Conservative pundit Matt Walsh’s newly released film for the Daily Wire, “Am I Racist?”, has broken the world record for shortest feature film with a runtime of 1 second.
“One second, one word.” Walsh clarified on a recent episode of his podcast. “No, not another one of those words I could say in the span of a second, just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”
The move sparked some confusion, with several Sweet Baby Gang members noting that the official promos for the film are well over a second. But Walsh elaborated that the change was made to keep up with the 2020s’ “attention economy of brain rot.”
“We wish Candace was still collaborating with us and not the Tate Brothers,” added Ben Shapiro on Walsh’s show, “but they’ve both cracked the code to the best way to propagandize confused, lonely, directionless young men; on YouTube Shorts and TikTok, with brevity!”
Walsh spoke out against Guinness officials who refuse to acknowledge the record as legitimate.
“It’s a travesty that the woke leftist publishers behind the Guinness Book of World Records won’t acknowledge a historic achievement like this,” Walsh lamented. “Do they have any idea of the restraint it took to edit out the segments of me slandering children’s hospitals and advertising plushies of me in diapers? Doesn’t the left wish that we said less and shut the hell up more, anyways?”
Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing saw fit to acknowledge the runtime at a recent presser for the film.
“Should ‘racist’ be Matt Walsh’s middle name like ‘boring’ is basically my last? Is the guy who refereed a Nazi diaper wrestling match racist? Is the guy who conflated ‘Western’ and ‘Anglo Saxon’ culture on his radio show racist? Is the pope Catholic? Is there not a single intentionally funny line in Mr. Birchum? Guess you’ll have to pay our $156 annual membership fee to find out in a second, but we’re sure you can guess where Vegas would put their money on this one.”
At press time, Walsh is set to break his own record with the planned sequel, Am I Transphobic.
