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Hard Digest September 22: Laura Jane Grace and Early Ska Week Access
🕑 Added 2024-09-23 00:00:06 +0000 UTCLaura Jane Grace and the Mississippi Medicals Debut EP Technically the Closest Thing Anyone in Mississippi Has to Healthcare
By James Knapp
BILOXI, Miss. — Recent reports from the United States Department of Health and Human Services indicate that the debut EP by Laura Jane Grace and the Mississippi Medicals is the only barrier standing between millions of Mississippians and grievous injury or illness on a daily basis, sources fearful for the state’s general well being confirmed.
“I would like to start off by saying to the people of Mississippi, and I can’t stress this enough, this album is not intended to cure rickets. We don’t know how that rumor got started, but let’s just put an end to it right now,” stated noticeably frustrated Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra in a press release earlier. “We’re still investigating just how a punk rock record became the state of Mississippi’s only semblance of healthcare. But until then we want to reiterate for all citizens that, if you are having a health emergency, please make sure you have crossed state lines before expecting anyone to be able to assist you.”
Biloxi resident Curtis Jefferson detailed the local healthcare infrastructure his community is forced to deal with.
“There’s not much point in having health insurance when the closest thing your town has to a doctor is just a horse that will kick you in the mouth for an apple. That’s how I tried to cure my jaundice one time – it didn’t work. Arguably it made it worse,” explained Jefferson. “We did have a kind of okay minute clinic up until a couple of years ago. That’s when Waffle House bought the building, loaded it onto the back of a tractor-trailer and created the ‘World’s First Mobile Meth Library.’ Now that that’s gone it makes that horse the only game in town.”
In response to the EP’s growing popularity with the southern medical care seekers, Laura Jane Grace went on record with a recent statement.
“While I am grateful for the enthusiasm for this batch of songs, I also want to acknowledge what a depressing hellhole Mississippi’s healthcare system is – and that’s not me passing judgment! Remember, I’m from Florida after all,” said Grace. “I just want to remind everyone who has no other healthcare alternative that the album is not intended to be taken orally. You just listen to it, so please stop tweeting at me asking if the vinyl comes in other ‘flavors.’”
At press time, the Mississippi legislature introduced a bill transforming all of the state’s remaining ambulances into casino shuttle buses.
Tsunami Caused by Ska Band Horn Section All Releasing Spit Valves at Same Time
By Joe Rumrill
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Meteorologists report that a 1,500-foot tidal wave created by a nearby ska band whose wind instrument section all emptied their spit valves at the same time is threatening to destroy the city, panicking sources confirmed.
“Usually when each band member goes one-by-one, it allows for just a harmless trickle of saliva that doesn’t upset the weather, just anyone whose fresh new Vans it might happen to drip on. But this? This is a natural disaster on par with some of the biggest hurricanes or tornadoes in recent memory,” pressed KTVU meteorologist Hailee Squires, as dopplers blared in the background. “We here at the newsroom advise anyone within the tri-county area to gather their loved ones, and any important belongings and pack it up. That’s right, you heard us: packituppackituppackitup!”
Band members of the group that incited the disaster, Checks Mark the Spot, are reportedly wracked with guilt over the situation.
“I’m beside myself. I got into music to make people happy, laugh, and maybe even skank a bit of their troubles away, not cause major property devastation just because I didn’t want my tuba to gurgle!” moaned Checks Mark the Spot sousaphone player Liam Breshcoat, as he packed up his various porkpie hats to flee the scene. “I’m just not used to witnessing our audience run for the hills, screaming in terror and begging for it to stop. Well, actually, now that you mention it, that’s the typical reaction to most modern ska sets, isn’t it? Well, at any rate, there’s usually a lot less drowning, I’ll tell you that much. I’m out of here.”
Longtime San Jose residents are largely set on evacuation, but there are a few rogue holdouts, such as 93-year-old Hennis McFurland.
“I’ve lived in this here shack through two dozen Warped Tours, and I ain’t about to move just because some rinky-dink ska band decided to let loose their honkers, I’ll tell you that much right now! I built this home with my bare hands and there’s no band ‘reel big’ or ‘reel tough’ enough to take it away from me,” said a gruff McFurland as he hammered boards over his windows. “I went through the same song and dance when a wave of Faygo took out my barn at the last Gathering of the Juggalos, and I lived to tell THAT tale. Bring it on.”
At press time, fleeing residents were alarmed to find out that, in true ska fashion, there are growing reports of a second wave.
Ska-merica The Beautiful: This Patriot Pays His Respects by Skanking to a Ska Version of the National Anthem at the 9/11 Memorial
By Ryan Dondero
Go ahead and throw on a pair of thick, soft mittens or find a nice plush bath towel to place on your forehead because this story is going to have you saluting with such force you might otherwise knock yourself out.
Meet Jacob “Coby” Snell, a ska-loving patriot who shows his love of country by skanking to a ska version of the national anthem each morning at the 9/11 memorial in lower Manhattan. He has a Bluetooth speaker with a full battery, an American flag porkpie hat, red, white, and blue checkerboard Vans slip-ons; and enough sunscreen and water to skank for two whole hours before needing a break to reapply and rehydrate. Every day Snell is in downtown New York City is truly a “Party at Ground Zero.”
A beloved figure at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum, Snell usually isn’t told by security to “pick it up” (i.e. his belongings) until well into the afternoon. When they finally do ask that he move along, this freedom-loving model citizen respectfully follows their orders. He knows that law enforcement across this great nation are just trying to do their jobs and keep us safe. Thank you for your service gentlemen (and gentle ladies)!
Visitors are often unsure of what Snell, 47, is doing each day at the site of the deadliest terrorist attack in United States history. By skanking to a ska version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” at the original site of the World Trade Center, Snell is paying homage to the two great losses of his life: the end of the mainstream popularity of third wave ska music at the end of the 1990s, and the destruction wrought by the horrors of September 11th, 2001. This patriot was so devastated by these back-to-back tragedies, he thought he’d never recover. That is, until he combined these great cataclysms and journeyed “One Step Beyond” into skanking triumph.
Snell has dreams of one day traveling to the Pearl Harbor National Memorial to pay his respects to those who died in the second deadliest foreign attack in American history. He’s prepared a ska version of FDR’s “Day of Infamy” speech should the occasion ever arrive. Maybe his skanking can provide the people of Pearl Harbor with the same comfort and peace it’s provided the people of New York.
“The Impression That [Onlookers] Get” of Snell is of a man who loves his country and loves ska music. Through his brave, patriotic skanking, Snell is sending “A Message to You, [America],” and that is “Never Forget and God Bless the U.S.A.!”
Kidz Bop Ska Album Sounds Identical to Regular Ska Album
By Matt Husser
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Local dad Martin Daniels was left confused today after realizing a Kidz Bop ska album he purchased for his kids sounded identical to a regular ska album he listened to in his youth, sources confirmed.
“I loved this ska band ‘When Harry Met Skally’ when I was in middle school so I bought the Kidz Bop version for my sons, but now I wish I had just saved my money because it sounds like the same exact studio recording—I honestly don’t remember there being so many songs about rollerblading or how it sucks when your mom forgets to buy pizza bagels,” said Daniels, looking at the track listing on the back of the original CD. “I could have sworn there were some risque songs about day drinking and chasing girls but nope, just ‘Capri Sun Drunk’ and a love song about Ms. Pac-Man.”
Daniels’ five and seven-year-old sons were less enthusiastic about their dad’s attempts to introduce them to the ska music that defined his youth.
“Dad keeps trying to get us to listen to his cute little ‘jazz bands’, but my taste in Kidz Bop records is a little more sophisticated. I can’t be seen on the playground listening to songs about Lunchables when my peers are listening to Tonka Tool and Radiohead, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” said five-year-old Parker Daniels, admiring his vinyl Kidz Bop collection. “I’m sure that this passed as serviceable music back in the late 1900s, but it simply cannot compare to the sonic depth of ‘Karma Paw Patrol’ on the ‘OK Tablet’ album.”
Kidz Bop cover band artist Tommy Twister insisted that despite the identical sound, they had re-recorded the entire album.
“That ‘When Harry Met Skally’ cover was the easiest gig we ever had, we didn’t have to change a single word—we actually added a few more mature themes because we felt the original’s ironic cover of ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Ska’ was a little too tame for our target audience of elementary school-aged kids,” said Twister. “We re-recorded the music and everything, but it’s not our fault that a bunch of thirty-year-olds made an album with songs like ‘No Ska Without the ‘Za’ and ‘Don’t Tell Teacher I Ate My Dog’s Homework.”
At press time, Daniels’ was seen trying to get a refund for the Kidz Bop versions of several clean MxPx albums he had also purchased for his kids.
More From The Hard Times:
Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Hoarding Every Tupperware Lid We Could Find
Not Owning Your Games Physically Is Fine, Actually
BY Jacob Ward
The life of a monk is spent in deep dedication to the teachings of the Buddha. Long ago he taught us that all of existence is an endless cycle. We live, die, and are reborn forever, in an loop of meaningless torture. It is much like the hit 2014 game “Dark Souls II,” where players respawn infinitely, only to die to the Fume Knight in just a few hits.
To understand this cycle, one must know the first of our Noble Truths: The dukkha, or the state of eternal suffering which all unenlightened people live within. All of life is unsatisfactory, and will prove to us that there is no true happiness. The gamer who purchases a PlayStation 5 serves as proof of a sorrowful life, one that knows no reward.
Game cartridges and disks have been made obsolete with the introduction of newer consoles. It is only the foolish lay person that would suggest their excess is true happiness. These gamers, who would willingly own three copies of “Jeopardy!” for the SNES, are the greatest enemies of the Buddha’s teachings.
By freeing oneself from the shackles of physical game ownership, we may yet find enlightenment. Allowing the publisher to remove from our libraries the games that they no longer wish for us to play is the first step for this noble cause. It is as the Buddha said: “You lose only what you cling to, and ‘Concord.’”
We must always strive to release ourselves from the constraints that come from physical ownership. All attachment must be abandoned; all ownership must be forfeited. It is for this reason that the only true means of enlightened gaming is Google Stadia.
