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Hard Digest September 23: Ska Week Early Access and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-24 00:00:05 +0000 UTCMan Forces Romantic Partners to Sign NDA About His Love of Ska
By Doug Kolic
BALTIMORE — Local resident Gavin Moldenhauer is reportedly demanding all romantic partners sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement to keep his obsession with ska music secret, according to sources seeking legal advice.
“Coming from a very prominent family, it’s important that I don’t do anything to embarrass them,” Moldenhauer stated as he watched the “Shark Fighter!” music video on loop. “My dad said if I ever wanted to take over the business I needed to keep a clean public image, so I have no choice but to get women to legally promise not to mention that I love to skank it up. I was born a rude boy and I’ll die a rude boy, but in the meantime, I need to suppress it otherwise pops will cut me out. Plus, it’s not like I’m a murderer or anything, though my family might actually prefer that to my love of Mustard Plug.”
Former fiancée Billie Parker described how she felt when he presented her with one such contract.
“At first I thought he just wanted me to sign a prenup, but then he broke down like a little bitch and revealed that he was much deeper into ska than the few Fishbone CDs he owned, and that if I wanted to get married I’d have to take this info to my grave,” said Parker. “I lost a lot of respect for him that day, not because he tried to force me into any legal arrangements, but because he showed me a Reel Big Fish song while physically dancing to it. I could have handled it if his secret was something cooler like he committed identity theft once, but certainly not that dork shit.”
Legal expert Paul Buchanan explained that NDAs involving embarrassing music are very common.
“Though most of the NDAs we normally do involve privileged information between employers and employees, we also see a lot of them dealing with private citizens trying to keep their sad musical taste under wraps,” stated Buchanan. “In the early 2000s we had a lot of clients wanting them drafted to hide their love of Creed, and most recently we had a distinguished physician who forced his staff to sign one so the public wouldn’t find out that he was Juggalo for life. A patient did eventually figure that one out after he woke up from surgery with a crushed can of Diet Moon Mist in his abdominal cavity.”
At press time, Moldenhauer updated his NDAs to include Kid Rock, which he totally forgot he was into for a brief time in middle school.
“Sing Like No One is Listening, Dance Like No One is Watching” Sums Up Ska Band’s Last Five Shows
By Matt Husser
HARTFORD, Conn. — Struggling ska band ‘The Skadventures of Tromb Sawyer’ is reportedly taking the saying ‘sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching’ as their new mantra after failing to draw a crowd for their last five shows, sources confirmed.
“It’s hard to stay upbeat when not a single person has shown up to our gigs for three weeks, but this quote always helps me get back out there and skank my heart out anyways,” said frontman Barry Bloom, looking at the tattoo of the quote on his forearm. “If ska has taught me anything, it’s that life has its ups and downs, but if we choose to focus on the upstrokes we can always overcome the downbeats. Man, that was actually a pretty good saying, I hope someone shows up to our next show so I can use that as banter between songs.”
Brent Clausen, the bartender working at the venue during their latest empty gig, was the sole witness to the band’s depressing show of perseverance.
“The courage they displayed getting up there and skanking in front of an empty venue and singing to no one but each other was simultaneously the most heroic and saddest display I’ve ever seen,” said Clausen, using a bar rag to wipe a tear of sadness from one eye and a tear of laughter from another. “I was honestly so inspired that I contemplated quitting to follow my passion as an artist. But then I remembered no one showed up to my last five gallery showings, so I just poured myself a shot of Jack Daniels and finished my shift.”
According to local historian Beth Stevens, the saying that had been uplifting people for centuries was actually credited to the author Mark Twain, and was inspired by his love of ska.
“According to his private journals Mark Twain was a massive ska fan, and he originally coined this iconic saying while skanking alone in his residence while listening to early proto-ska records on his phonograph,” said Stevens, displaying one of the author’s checkered bow ties from the Mark Twain Center’s collection. “He mostly kept this part of his life private, but the signs were always there — I mean tell me the name ‘Huckleberry Finn’ doesn’t sound like something a ska fan came up with.”
At press time, historians also confirmed that the quote “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” by the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu was about learning to skank at an ancient ska show.
Man Coming Out of 20-Year Coma Horrified World Still Hasn’t Eradicated Tuberculosis or Ska
By Doug Kolic
SUNNYVALE, Calif. — A local man who miraculously woke up from a two-decade-long coma was horrified to learn that the world was still burdened by plagues like tuberculosis and ska, according to nearby sources who couldn’t really disagree.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be alive, but I can’t believe there are still so many horrible afflictions in this world,” stated 47-year-old Danny Walker. “The last thing I remember before crashing into that tree was listening to a radio news report about a deadly TB outbreak in South America. I mistakenly figured that this disease would have surely been eradicated by now. Even more concerning, though, is that I found out a bigger evil, Reel Big Fish, was also still amongst us. How the hell is this possible? It kind of makes me wish I was still in that coma. Thankfully, ska doesn’t exist when you’re in a deep state of continuous unconsciousness.”
The man’s older brother, Bobby Walker, was present when he awoke.
“When they told me he was finally awake, I couldn’t believe it!” said the 52-year-old sibling. “He seemed really surprised that humans weren’t able to cure every single disease yet, but when we told him that Less Than Jake was unfortunately still very much alive, he got really aggressive and had to be sedated. I know he should just be grateful that he’s still among the living and not worry about goofy-ass music, but I see his point. I told him to look on the bright side, hopefully the upcoming apocalypse will finally take it out.”
Infectious disease expert Kate Tidesdale explained that she was worried about dangerous strains of music.
“We need to do a better job trying to contain genres of music like ska or we’ll eventually reach the point of no return,” said Tidedale. “A lot of things keep us disease experts up at night, but nothing is as frightening as seeing new clusters of checker-wearing bands pop up all over the place. Considering the globe was just shut down for years because of Covid, you’d think we’d be more proactive about eliminating any other threats, but the fact you can log onto Spotify and listen to The Mighty Mighty Bosstones any time you want, makes me think we’re all doomed.”
At press time, Walker tried to jump out of the window when he heard country rap was still a thing.
More From The Hard Times:
Top 30 Ska Punk Songs That Are Going to Get Us Killed For Putting Them on the Jukebox at This Biker Bar
The Hard Drive Guide to the IGN Guide to Watching Star Wars in Chronological Order
BY It’s never too late to read the IGN guide to watching the Star Wars films and television series in order. And if you’re new to guides like this, or just aren’t great with reading words, it can be hard to understand. But don’t worry! We here at Hard Drive have got you covered with a foolproof, step-by-step approach to reading the IGN guide.
This is the Hard Drive guide to the IGN guide to watching Star Wars in chronological order.
1. Read The Headline
You might be tempted to scroll through the article and start looking at pictures two thirds down the page. Fight this urge. Scroll back to the top of the web page and first read what is called “the headline.” You will know you have found the headline when you see words that are bigger and thicker than any other on the page. Headlines are great because they’re simple and say what’s to come, like a spoiler that you want.
2. Look At The Big Image
Ignore the smaller words below the headline because they don’t matter. Instead take a look at the big image that follows. If you’re thinking, “Wow! Look at all the colors and even bigger words than before!” that means you’re in the right place. Enjoy it for a few seconds and then keep scrolling.
3. Read The Intro Paragraphs
You’re probably so excited about pictures at this point that you don’t want to read any more words, and we get that. But please take a minute to read the few collections of words underneath that big, fun picture. These are called “introductory paragraphs,” and we know, they’re so boring. But hang in there. Words, when grouped together into what are called sentences that are then grouped together into what are called paragraphs, often make looking at pictures even better. Trust us on this one.
4. Enjoy The List
First off, congratulations for making it through those horrible intro paragraphs. Now you get to enjoy the rest of the website! But before you start panicking at the sight of all the paragraphs in the list, listen to us because we have great news. None of those paragraphs matter! Like everything else on this page, those paragraphs were created by artificial intelligence, which is a fancy term for “smart computers doing their own thing.” Just read the titles of the Star Wars films and television series on the list and enjoy the images that accompany some of those titles. You’ve earned it.
5. That’s it!
Most articles end with something called a conclusion, which is a paragraph that wraps up everything in the article and creates a satisfying sense of finality for the reader. But we have more great news: this guide does not have a conclusion. When they trained the artificial intelligence to create this page, they said, “This web site only exists to generate advertising dollars. Don’t try too hard to make it good.” And the smart computer didn’t! There is no conclusion and there are no more words. The article just ends.
Disney Adult Disgusted by Baseless Insinuation They Like Minions
BY Jus Kaplan
FREDERICK, Md. — Self-proclaimed Disney fanatic Seth Deluth was left downright disgusted this week when a 67-year old work colleague, Valerie Lee, had the gall to assume he liked the Minions franchise, an office source confirmed.
“So Valerie came in Monday and told Seth she saw ‘Despicable Me 4’ with her grandson over the weekend. She said something like, ‘Now I see why you like these cute cartoon guys!’ and he just lost his shit,” explained Breton Poole, a coworker of Deluth and Lee. “I’ve never seen Seth so lit up or Valerie so confused. He just kept saying that he felt like James Woods’ depiction of Hades.”
Deluth’s recount of the incident painted the encounter in a more heated light.
“She’s lucky I didn’t call HR on her, that Dreamworks-loving jerk! It was like workplace harassment straight out of those employee training videos we all have to watch, but instead of calling me a slur, she said something even worse,” explained Deluth, wiping crumbs off his Star Wars mousepad. “Those little yellow fucks give the art of animation a bad name. When Disney creates a goofy little guy, they don’t milk it by copy-pasting him a thousand times. It’s an insult to the art.”
Lee still doesn’t grasp how the situation unraveled as it did.
“I was just trying to make conversation. Seth is always talking about his cartoons and wearing enamel pins with silly characters on them. Why wouldn’t he like the glasses-wearing golden potato guys too?” said Lee. “Heck, his desk is decorated with those plastic figurines that have the square heads and empty, soulless eyes. You know, those freaky ‘pop’ things. I know he’s got more than just Disney there. He’s acting as grumpy as Gru.”
At press time, Deluth appeared to have moved on and was staring at a mildew stain on the drop ceiling about his desk that looked exactly like a Hidden Mickey.
Fact Check: Opponent Your Teammate Described as “One-Shot” Was Basically at Full Health
BY RESTORED REELS — Your squad was eager to push last match after your teammate called out that an enemy combatant was one shot away from death. He claimed that his attacks left the opponent vulnerable to an easy knock, yet the spectator HUD showed that the enemy was basically at full HP.
“Okay, I’m pushing, I’m pushing,” declared your teammate seconds before the encounter. “Got one shot on him. Three shots on him. Headshot, bro. He thinks it’s Tuesday. He’s cooked? Oh my god, he just downed me but he’s so low, dude. He’s so low. Come here now, he’s one-shot, before he heals.”
Your other squadmate, Milkychugs, who was still recovering from unnecessary fall damage, charged in for what was supposed to be a quick cleanup.
“Yeah, the dude was straight up at full health,” said Milkychugs after the incident. “I could’ve healed before going in but they insisted that we had an opening on him. After each shot I remember thinking ‘Surely this will be the one to kill him’ but he just wouldn’t die. We don’t even know how he thought the guy was anywhere near low health. Our working theory is that he saw three single-digit damage popups that were close enough together to look like a triple digit number.”
The enemy player, who separated from their team to loot the area, didn’t think much of the fight.
“I honestly thought they were bots,” said MeowSoles, wearing a victory crown. “The first guy tried hitting me with a shotgun from, like, thirty feet away before I downed him. The rest of them died pretty much instantly. I’m guessing they were playing on Switch or something.”
At press time, your squad has agreed that all future callouts from the offending teammate must be printed, signed, and notarized under oath.
