thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest October 5: Diddy & Garth, Early Access Chappell Roan, Moo Deng, and More
🕑 Added 2024-10-05 00:00:07 +0000 UTCGuy Who ‘Likes All Music Except Country and Rap’ Feeling Pretty Smug Today
By Dan Kozuh
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Local man Brian Langley, who often proclaims he “likes all music except country and rap,” is reportedly feeling vindicated after assault allegations surfaced against music legends Garth Brooks and Sean “Diddy” Combs in recent days, annoyed friends report.
“I’ve been saying for years that country and rap just aren’t my thing. People thought I was crazy for taking such a divisive stand, but with all this news about Garth Brooks and Diddy coming to light my Spotify Wrapped is going to be looking pretty clean,” Langley said after proudly sharing the breaking news about Garth Brooks on social media. “I’ve texted everyone in my contacts list to remind them how much I dislike rap and country. This includes old coworkers, ex-girlfriends, and landlords all because I wanted to rub this in their smug faces. Most people didn’t seem to care, but that’s probably just because they are so embarrassed right now.”
Friends of Langley say they have been dealing with his selective music snobbery for years.
“Brian’s always been the ‘I listen to real music’ guy,” said Julio River, who has known Langely since college. “But now, he’s acting like a prophet or something. Like he knew all along that country and rap weren’t just bad genres, but morally compromised. It’s exhausting. I mean, yesterday, he basically gave a TED Talk at lunch about how Queens of the Stone Age would never do something like this.”
Dr. Emily Crandall, a music theory expert at the College of DuPage, states this behavior is becoming more common as accusations against high-profile musicians come to light.
“We are seeing a big surge in people using confirmation bias to reinforce the belief that they have the best taste in music. There’s been a notable shift in how fans engage with music in light of these revelations,” Crandall explained. “For people like Brian, who already had a narrow view of what constitutes ‘good music,’ these allegations serve as convenient validation. It’s a way to mask personal taste as some kind of moral high ground. Yet they somehow, conveniently, have a blind spot for bands they will give a pass to artists like Led Zeppelin, Guns ‘N’ Roses, and Jane’s Addiction.”
As of press time, Langley expressed that his convictions have only been confirmed and that he will continue to listen to honorable bands like Foo Fighters.
Chappell Roan Criticized For Not Using Platform to Single-Handedly End Conflict in Middle East
By LOS ANGELES — Pop megastar Chappell Roan is facing backlash across the internet for her perceived unwillingness to use her celebrity status to single-handedly broker a peace deal in the Middle East, multiple TikTok users confirmed.
“This is just not it. Chappell better be using all this free time she has after canceling her festival appearances to charter an eco-friendly jet with no carbon emissions to fly to Lebanon and broker a ceasefire deal before Iran decides to escalate this conflict,” said former self-proclaimed Roan superfan Leanne Winston. “And while she is in Beirut she better start building some new homes for victims of the air raids. I’ve been a fan of Chappell for nearly four months now, and the fact she isn’t on the ground in a war zone preparing meals for refugees just shows how out of touch she is.”
Beirut resident Abdel Saad is one of the many people who were displaced by Israeli bombing over the course of the past few weeks.
“When my home was destroyed I prayed to get clarity on why this is happening to me and my family. I had originally assumed this was due to Israel’s need for power and the United States’ complicity, but then I saw a short video about how Chappell Roan is MAGA coded and how she’s been the problem all along,” said Saad. “It’s not a coincidence that she released ‘The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess’ in September 2023 and Hamas attacked Israel just two weeks later and set all of this mess in motion. She started this all, and she has the ability to end it.”
United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres hopes to meet with Roan within the next few days to help the worsening conflict get resolved.
“At first I really wanted to set up a meeting with Chappell so my granddaughters could get a photo with her, but now I realize Chappell is the only person on the planet that can keep humanity from being launched into total nuclear war. But she has to act now, she has to stop making TikTok videos talking about her mental health and start helping with international diplomacy,” said Guterres. “We are dealing with true existential threats here and I’m glad to see there are so many heroes online calling Chappell to action, I just hope she will listen.”
At press time, Jason Aldean was being praised by right wing media outlets for saying all of America’s enemies in the Middle East should be “wiped off the map.”
I Noticed Your Publication Has Been Talking a Lot of Shit About Bassists — Guest Article by the Ghost of Cliff Burton
By Zachary Wolf
Hey metal fans, the ghost of Cliff Burton here.
I’ve traversed the astral plane to call out The Hard Times. I couldn’t help but notice they really like to talk a lot of shit about bassists. Well if bass is so unimportant, why did the rest of Metallica fly across the country from Los Angeles to San Francisco so I could join their band? Huh? That’s what I thought.
I didn’t spend weeks learning the bass guitar for some jokes website to discredit my work 40 years after I died. Some of those bass tracks I even practiced and everything.
By the way, my death was way more metal than how the rest of Metallica’s are going to be. They’re gonna pass in cozy Malibu mansions and first-rate hospice care centers, surrounded by friends and family in their final hours.
I died at night in the icy north of Scandinavia, and under a tour bus no less. It don’t get more metal than that. Except for maybe that guy from Slayer that died by spider bite. Holy shit. I should hang with him sometime.
Can you play “(Anesthesia) – Pulling Teeth,” Hard Times? Didn’t think so. Do any of you even play in a world-renowned band? Besides, if playing bass is so easy, why was Dee Dee Ramone able to do it so well? Yet, all everyone wants to talk about is how good James is at rhythm guitar.
Playing six strings instead of four doesn’t prove anything, everybody knows it. Metallica’s bass player was the most badass member at any given time too. First there was me, who introduced the Misfits to the rest of the band. Then there’s my replacement: Jason Newsted. Hell, an entire generation of metalheads ripped off Jason’s undercut hairdo, while Lars, James, and Kirk still looked like they were on the way to a Poison concert.
So what if “…And Justice For All” didn’t have any bass? That album is still harder than anything I did with the band. Wait, forget I said that.
And then there’s Robert Trujillo, who was in the Pepsi song band. Honestly, I don’t know much about them, other than the fact that I could never beat their song in Guitar Hero. Yeah, we have Guitar Hero here, Bass Hero too, but Peter Steele is always hogging it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish a word search puzzle I’ve been working on for a few days.
Trump Further Alienates Self on International Level After Posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social
By PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump drew the ire of the worldwide population after posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social at 2:37 a.m. this morning, multiple incredulous sources confirmed.
“Look, it’s just a fat little hippo. I prefer American hippos, full-sized, huge hippos that could eat three watermelons at once. The Democrats want all hippos to be tiny, and they want horses to be tiny too. I want to make animals big again,” said Trump. “People think Moo Deng is cute because she bites zoo keepers. Newsflash, that’s not cute. I bit at least four zookeepers last week and they didn’t find it cute, but they were honored. One of them, a former Marine, said to me, ‘Thank you Mr. Trump. Thank you for biting me, it was so much better than if a hippo bit me.’ This is true. Then he asked me to bite him again, but I wouldn’t do it. No more biting until I’m back in the White House.”
Some online fans of Moo Deng are saying this might be what sways them from voting for Trump.
“I don’t pay much attention to politics to be honest. I’ve had a bad string of luck lately, I lost my job working for the Parks Department, then I broke my ankle, which ended up getting infected, so I’ve been dealing with insurance for months. The only sliver of joy I have in my life is watching videos of Moo Deng be an absolute terror,” said undecided voter Emily Petty. “If anything happens to Moo Deng I might just fucking kill myself. So the fact Trump seems to hate her might be a deal breaker. I want a President who loves Moo Deng as much as I do. Honestly, it’s the only issue I care about, and I know I’m not alone.”
Political analyst Gretta Lipton believes Moo Deng’s astronomic rise in popularity could sway the election.
“Both candidates are in a dead heat right now. There is no way of knowing who is going to come out on top in November. If Moo Deng leveraged her celebrity status to endorse a candidate it could change everything. But she seems to be more interested in splashing around a small tub of water and refuses to pick a side,” said Lipton. “It’s irresponsible of Moo Deng, but that’s what we love about her to begin with. You cannot control Moo Deng, she plays by her own rules.”
At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offered up a story about a time he fed four live monkeys to a captive hippo for some reason.
Opinion: It Doesn’t Matter Why I Already Went Through a “Lifetime Supply” of Hormel Chili, Just Give Me More
By Nathan Kamal
Look, I’ll say it plain and simple: it doesn’t matter why I already went through your supposed “lifetime supply” of Hormel Chili that I won, and I’m not legally required to tell you. All I want is what I am legally entitled to so long as my heart is beating: More of America’s best-selling chili and no goddamn questions.
I’m old enough to remember a time before the powers-that-be started putting definitions on what a “lifetime supply” meant or trying to twist the fine print on call-in phone contests on 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat. I remember when, if you had won a supposedly unlimited supply of Hormel Chili, you didn’t get the third degree about how you went through 49 gallons in five days.
Back in the day, you just got more chili.
Trust me, no one wants to get lawyers involved here and tarnish the good name of 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat. I’ve been a loyal listener to DJ Derek and the Municipal Madman for years, and it would break my heart to get attorneys involved in what should be a relatively simple matter of filling up the 55-gallon plastic barrel I brought to this station at my own expense and letting me be on my way.
DJ Derek has already had enough trouble with the law without getting involved in chili-related phone-in contest fraud, wouldn’t you say?
I would also like to reiterate that I read the rules of this contest extremely closely. As long as I was the first person to call in and recite all of the ingredients to Hormel chili in alphabetical order without taking a breath, I’d get a lifetime supply of any flavor of my choice. Is that not the case? Is it not?
You probably thought no one would remember “textured soy flour.” You were wrong.
Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to eat the chili or produce evidence that I have eaten it. It also does not say that I cannot use it to fill potholes, regrout my neighbor’s bathtub as a courtesy, or use the famously sensuous smell of Coney Island Inspired Hormel Chili No Bean with Mustard and Onions as part of an ongoing campaign of seduction of said neighbor.
I’m not admitting to anything, by the way. And I certainly have no obligation to.
A deal is a deal, and as long as I draw breath, I will be returning to 95.3 KCHL, the Heat That Can’t Be Beat, for Hormel chili whenever I want and how often I like. Even in a benighted and fallen society like ours, we must respect a man’s need to shoot a high-powered jet of Hormel chili into the air every morning to greet the dawn using a jury-rigged firehose.
That’s what this is about. Respect.
Now fill up the barrel. I’ll be back for more Hormel tomorrow and I expect the Municipal Man to have it ready next time.
More From The Hard Times:
Horror Villains Ranked by How Likely They Could Get Past Trump’s Secret Service Detail
So-Called Female Assassin Wasn’t Even A Ballerina First
BY Dan Kozuh
MOSCOW — In a stunning affront to tradition, a female assassin operating in the shadows of covert operations has revealed she was not, in fact, recruited from The Bolshoi Ballet Academy, or any dance studio for that matter, before embarking on her clandestine career, sources within to the underground circuit say.
“I was never much of a dancer so I started with combat training,” the woman, identified only as ‘Irina’ allegedly told US intelligence officers after being captured. “My handler nearly lost it when he found out—started shouting about how I tarnished the whole profession. He said that I’d never be able to break a man’s neck with my thighs. Why would I want to do that? Honestly, I am more of a gun girl anyway, I don’t know what a grand jeté has to do with taking out a target from 600 yards.”
Other female contract killers believe that Irina has left a stain on the profession of professional murder.
“Disgraceful! This is a blatant disregard for protocol and many in the organization are outright offended! I spent 15 years perfecting my plié before I even touched a weapon. This girl thinks she can just skip that? I mean, where’s the respect for the art?” an anonymous female Russian assassin stated. “The assassin world, especially in Russia, has long adhered to the established narrative that only women who can leap through the air, perform an arabesque, and throw a high-kick while doing a pirouette are worthy of becoming international killers-for-hire. Irina’s nonchalant dismissal of this time-honored tradition has offended the entire underworld. Ballet is as much a part of assassination as murder.”
Experts in the wetwork community have echoed these very sentiments.
“This not only marks a troubling shift in the profession but could also potentially alter the entire balance of global power. It is physiological impossible for a woman to fight someone without classical ballet training. Doctors have proved that,” said Dr. Viktor Sokolov, a historian specializing in the murder-for-hire industry. “To abandon the discipline of ballet is to strip away the grace and cultural depth that elevated these women beyond mere killers. Ballet teaches you patience, control, and the ability to strike from unexpected angles. Without it, you’re just another person with a knife—no elegance, no finesse.”
At press time, Irina has reportedly “gone dark” but a woman matching her description has been seen taking Beginner Ballet I at Madam Tutu’s Dance Academy in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Sponsored Post: Have You Ever Wanted to Help Torment the Damned? Silent Hill is Hiring!
BY Thomas Wilde
There’s only one real growth industry on this planet, and it’s human suffering. Welcome to Silent Hill. We appreciate your interest!
If you haven’t heard of us, we’re a yawning portal to unknowable terrors that dwells deep within the dark heart of New England’s tourism industry. (Are we in Maine? West Virginia? Pennsylvania? Nobody knows!)
For over 25 years, we’ve drawn in the lost, broken, and guilty from across North America, so we can run them through a lethal gauntlet that symbolizes their sins. If that sounds like fun to you, you might be Silent Hill material!
Are you the sort of person who can make magic happen with a coil of barbed wire and a few yards of cured human skin? Are you up for the challenge of completely renovating an apartment building into a bleeding industrial hell with five minutes’ notice? Would you be willing to wrap bacon around your face, put on a nurse’s uniform, and chase our “clients” around our hospital with a scalpel? If your answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then welcome aboard!
Why would you want to work for Silent Hill? Well, first off, it’s technically a job in city government. We have an attractive benefits package, including vision, dental, PTO, and paid vacation days. We don’t offer a pension, but trust us: you won’t need it.
Need health insurance? No problem! We employ a lot of medical professionals, so there’s always somebody on the premises who can help you, and we’ll give you all the health drinks and random syringes you need! Even we don’t know what’s in them, but they’re really effective!
In these uncertain economic times, we know that many job seekers are looking for peace of mind. We usually aren’t in that business, but Silent Hill does believe in taking care of its employees. Our official policy is that we don’t lay anyone off. Period. Your job is secure until and unless one of our clients beats you to death with a lead pipe. That’s the Silent Hill Promise.
Right now, we’re looking to fill these positions:
animated mannequin
welder
stagehand
set designer
Pyramid Head body double
creepy ghost baby
radio technician
If none of those sound like a fit for you, drop us a line anyway. After all, you never know when some new client might come into town who needs exactly the kind of personal touch you can provide.
Don’t worry. We won’t forget about your application. We never forget anything you’ve done.
Again, thanks for checking in with us! We’re looking forward to hearing from you!
Note: all our positions are local and sadly, require in-person attendance. However, we are looking into franchising, and recently opened our first international branch office in Kettenstadt, Germany. If we don’t have a location near you, just wait! Sooner or later, we’re hoping to see everyone in Silent Hill!
