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Hard Digest December 21: Early Access Ron DeSantis, Meet Cutes, Beatles Docs, Gift Ideas, and more
🕑 Added 2024-12-22 01:00:04 +0000 UTCRon DeSantis Signs Bill to Remove the Word “Gay” From All Christmas Songs
By TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a new bill that bans the word “gay” from being used in any Christmas songs past or present, sources confirmed.
“Christmas is about spending time with family and celebrating the birth of my personal hero Jesus Christ. It is not a time to sing carols that indoctrinate children into a gay agenda that seeks to perpetuate the War on Christmas,” said DeSantis. “This bill is a tool in destroying the woke mind virus and returning a sense of morality to our society. I want to send a message to the children of this great state; Santa will not give you gifts this year if your parents sing those banned lyrics. That is why we will have a hotline to report infractions to local law enforcement. Starting today, anyone who is caught using the word ‘gay’ while caroling on a humid Florida night will be sentenced to 25 years in prison with no chance of parole.”
Some Florida residents don’t think this new law goes far enough.
“I think this is a good start, but as a society, we need to create harsher laws to combat people who say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ and anyone who suggests that Santa is Black should be fined at least $75,000,” said local man Chris Carson. “Speaking of Santa, he needs to stop giving so many hand-outs. Not every child deserves gifts, he should only deliver presents to the children who have read the Bible cover to cover and show reverence to baby Jesus on a daily basis. Kids today are out of control, the naughty list isn’t enough to dissuade them from being heathens.”
Music historian Olive Agosto is actively petitioning Governor DeSantis to reverse his decision.
“I tried explaining to everyone involved in creating this bill that the word ‘gay’ didn’t mean the same thing when these songs were written. Then I accidentally mentioned that most of the famous Christmas carols were written by Jewish men and they started calling me an anti-semite for some reason,” said Agosto. “I’ve also heard that some lawmakers in Tallahassee are trying to make ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime’ by Paul McCartney be Florida’s official Christmas song. That’s when I realized I was dealing with truly sick people who can’t be helped.”
At press time, Governor DeSantis banned reruns of “The Flintstones” after learning the family was having a “gay old time” in every episode.
Meet Cute? I Tried to Grab a Cop’s Gun and We Both Can’t Stop Blushing After Our Hands Briefly Touched
By Matt Husser
When I left home to become a big-time mall Santa divorce attorney in New York City, I never thought I’d end up back in my hometown on Christmas. But Daddy was struggling with his jingleitis, and after Mom passed from that tragic tinsel factory explosion he promised he’d never sell the family business. And ever since the GrinchMart moved into town, demand was low for his world-famous artisanal taxidermied squirrel Christmas tree toppers. So there I was on Christmas Eve working at Mom & Pop’s Xmas Squirrel Tops, when Officer Caleb walked in.
I always had a crush on Caleb, but I left for State College University before I ever found out if he felt the same way. Immediately there were more sparks than that tragic tinsel factory explosion that killed my Mom. But just as we started to reconnect, my high school nemesis Madison walked in. I knew she was going to try to steal Caleb away from me, so I knew I had to act fast. If my pro-bono work as a defense lawyer for underprivileged elves has taught me anything, the quickest way to get an officer’s attention is to reach for his service weapon.
‘My, what a big, strong gun you’ve got there’ I cooed as I unbuckled the strap and seductively removed his gun from the holster. Well let me tell you it worked wonders, because as soon as his hand met mine his face blushed redder than Rudolph’s nose and he couldn’t take his eyes off me.
Things got hot and heavy quickly after that, and next thing you know he was whispering sweet Miranda Rights into my ear and escorting me into the back of his muscular police car! What a gentleman—you should have seen the jealous look on Madison’s face as we drove away.
From there, he whisked me away for a torrid holiday romance. He booked an exclusive photo shoot just for me, and even treated me to a romantic evening in a private hotel room! It wasn’t anything fancy, just a bed and a toilet—but it was simple and blue-collar, just like my Caleb. Unfortunately, there was only one way to know if his love was true: I had to run away, and if he chased after me I’d know it was meant to be.
So I slipped out of my handcuffs and escaped into the night, knowing that if Officer Caleb came after me, this time he’d cuff me forever. As I drove away in a stolen police cruiser covered in blood with a hostage in the trunk, the red and green Christmas lights faded from view. I just hoped that the next lights I’d see would be the red and blue sirens from Officer Caleb delivering the greatest Christmas gift of all—love.
Scientists Predict Earth Has Only 10 Years of Beatles Documentaries Left
By Julien Perez
LONDON — A group of scientists from the British Institute of Music Technologies released a bombshell report predicting that unless drastic measures are taken, the world will only have 10 more years of new Beatles documentaries.
“We have reached a critical moment in history,” said Dr. Linda Thorne. “Due to egocentric human activities, there’s just enough unused footage to last another decade, barring another Peter Jackson-level event, of course. Thanks to films like ‘Good Ol’ Freda’ which covers the life of Freda Kelly, the secretary of the Beatles Fan Club, nearly every possible angle of the Beatles has been explored. I’m sorry, but the world does not need two films highlighting the Beatles’ journey to India yet ‘Meeting the Beatles in India’ and ‘The Beatles and India’ exist. I just hope God is kind to us on judgment day.”
Ryan Miller, a self-described Beatles super fan, wasn’t surprised by the news.
“I knew from the moment ‘Ringo Starr: One of Them’ was released that we were all doomed and there was no undoing human civilization’s past documentarian mistakes,” said Miller. “The ‘One of Them’ film tries to discuss the life of Ringo yet is only 42 minutes long and even then it felt stretched. The signs have been all around us. How can I bring a kid into this world knowing he’ll never be able to watch a brand-new Beatles documentary? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
Young auteur director Jasper Quinn refuses to believe the planet is in such a dire situation.
“This is the natural ebb and flow of nature,” said Quinn. “Sure, I might be the one to use up all the remaining Beatles footage for my own artistic endeavors but it’s my belief that in 40 to 50 years from now things will return to the way it was. Am I a Beatles documentary change denier? You bet. But that’s only because you can’t believe everything scientists tell you. Do your own research and you’ll find it’s actually the government that controls the Beatles footage. We’ll be fine.”
As of press time, Starr issued a statement offering to provide tour van lodging and green room snacks as payment to any young filmmaker interested in following him during his upcoming tour.
Seven Items From This Venue You Can Steal During the Show for Last-Minute Holiday Gifts
By So you’re broke, it’s almost Christmas, and you forgot to buy gifts for everyone. Great news! Turns out that show you’re at right now is a perfect one-stop shop.
“But I can’t afford merch!” you’re saying. Of course you can’t! Let the suckers buy up the $40 t-shirts. With these genius free gifts, we guarantee your family and friends will be in awe as they exclaim things like, “Huh?”, “Kinda gross”, “Dude, did you steal this from the show last night?”, and “You idiot, you know there are security cameras there, right?”
Duct tape
Let’s start with an easy stocking stuffer! Snag a whole roll from the stage between sets. Maybe even two rolls — one for your dad’s basement workshop, and one for your girlfriend’s nightstand. If that’s too much work, just peel off a few pieces of tape wherever you can and stick them together until they look like something. Anything.
Glass
Another no-brainer. Don’t even rinse them — let that fragrant beer and spit residue give your lucky recipient a full sensory experience. And if there aren’t any real glasses at the show? Santa is totally cool with plastic cups, too. The clock is ticking, and Santa doesn’t have all day here. Cheers!
Sign
Now, a show poster is obviously ideal, but let’s broaden our horizons. That fire marshal certificate stating that occupancy by more than 250 persons is unlawful? Boom, Merry Christmas to your artsy friend who will ponder its deep meaning. The damp cardboard scrawled with “Toilet clogged, do not use” taped to a stall door? Also a great gift. You ingenious elf!
Bassist’s water bottle
Come on, he’s not working that hard. He doesn’t need to hydrate and everyone hates him. Splurge alternative: Didn’t your cousin say his band needed a bassist? Steal this loser AND his water.
Really big speaker
We admit it, this gift requires a lot more effort and there’s a decent chance you’ll get caught. But you owe your roommate big time after the “BBQ incident” this summer, and a solid subwoofer could go a long way. Hopefully by the time the venue goes dark because you pulled the wrong cord, you’ll already be scurrying out the side door.
The column right behind the pit
All right, time to go big or go home. Be the king of Kwanzaa, the hero of Hanukkah, and maybe the cause of a catastrophic building collapse. Imagine the look on your mom’s face when you tell her how you lovingly knocked that column down yourself, bit by bit, as everyone evacuated the venue and the cop car sirens grew louder. Besides, it always blocked people’s view of the stage, so everyone should be grateful it’s gone.
The band’s album
Kidding! Don’t you dare. Stealing from an artist would be downright immoral. Just go home and send a link to the album on Spotify. You still didn’t have to spend any money, and now you’re helping a massive company steal from the band instead. Problem solved!
Hanukkah Miracle: One Steam Gift Card Enough for Eight Games
BY Dan Katz
FOX POINT, Wis. — The Lord has smiled upon the Levin family, blessing them with a true Hanukkah miracle. The $25 Steam gift card 13-year-old Jordan received from his Nana, expected only to be enough to buy one game, lasted for eight full games.
“Frankly, I’m kvelling,” said Rabbi Moishe Lipman. “When Jordan was called to the Torah as a bar mitzvah just months ago, I saw in him a great love of family, respect for his teachers, and a desire to reap from life whatever he, with the guiding hand of G-d, should see fit to sow. It comes as no surprise to me, then, that he harvested ‘Black Mesa,’ ‘Darkest Dungeon,’ and six more games from just one Steam gift card.”
A humble young man, Jordan gives ample credit to the Steam Winter Sale for his ability to make the most out of his bubbe’s generous gift.
“I love my Nana. I love her more than anything,” said Jordan, beaming. “That I could celebrate the Festival of Lights with her was all I needed. She made her famous latkes – that was more than enough. But to be able to grab ‘Mass Effect: Legendary Edition,’ ‘Party Hard,’ and ‘One Finger Death Punch 2’ on Steam was the applesauce on top.”
Jordan admitted that he considered selling his ‘Team Fortress 2’ items to accumulate a couple more bucks so he could afford the discounted ‘Cyberpunk 2077.’ But seeing ‘Portal’ and ‘Portal 2,’ which he had foolishly long ignored, in a dirt-cheap bundle, he felt it would have been a shande to put his entire gift card into just one game.
“My husband and I are just relieved that my mother bought a gift card because we told her to, not because someone on the phone told her to buy some at Target to repay an ‘accidental’ deposit to her bank account,” Devorah Levin said. “And ‘Civilization VI’ should alone be enough to take the sting out the stinker presents he’s about to get the next couple nights, at least until Civ VII comes out.”
At press time, Jordan planned to take the $1.53 he had left over and put it toward tzedakah at Sunday School.
