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Hard Digest August 24: Early Access World War III, The Magic School Bus, Back to School, and More
🕑 Added 2025-08-25 00:00:07 +0000 UTCTrump Escalates Talk of World War III By Calling for Assassination of Scottish Indie Rock Band Franz Ferdinand
By WASHINGTON ā President Trump worried world leaders in Europe and beyond after making remarks that he would like to see the āVery noisy, not very talentedā Scottish rock band Franz Ferdinand assassinated, sources confirmed.
āI love music, a lot of people say Iām one of the best musicians alive. I play every instrument, I could have played in the New York Philharmonic, but when I auditioned they actually said āMr. Trump, you are just too talented, the audience wouldnāt be able to handle it.ā So I quit right then and there and decided to become a billionaire, and that was easy,ā said President Trump. āMy main goal as president is to keep America safe, that is why today Iām deploying the FBI, CIA, and elite Marine units to eliminate the threat of Franz Ferdinand touring again on American soil. These dudes, and they are really bad dudes, played a lot of concerts during the Obama years, and we canāt let those radical leftist politics become the norm.ā
Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos was surprised by Trumpās remarks.
āHonestly, Iām surprised heās even heard of us. I thought he only listened to Village People and Kid Rock. But Iām taking this threat very seriously, Iām avoiding public spaces, Iām not letting anyone else prepare my food, and Iām definitely not taking a ride in my 1910 GrƤf & Stift Bois de Boulogne phaeton,ā said Kapranos. āThe rest of the band members are in an undisclosed location waiting out the storm, and also writing some new music. Iāve heard some of the recordings, itās a fun electropop throwback sound that I think a lot of people are going to enjoy, unless we are killed of course.ā
Barnard College History Professor Angela Lyston believes this is Trump distracting from topics plaguing his administration.
āPresident Trumpās administration is still facing lots of criticism because they havenāt released the Epstein files, the start of another World War might be just the thing he needs to get that monkey off his back. Right now, Russia is under a lot of pressure from Europe to end the war in Ukraine, but this could play right into the Presidentās hands if a Grammy-nominated band is assassinated for political gain,ā said Lyston. āThankfully for the guys in Franz Ferdinand it seems like DOGE cuts have really limited the killing capacity of the US black ops.ā
At press time, President Trump is reportedly ready to build up Americaās Air Force by ordering hundreds more albums by the B-52s.
Real Life Magic School Bus? This Guy Says We Can Explore the Galaxy if I Get in His Van
By Ben Friedman
One of the best aspects of childhood was it being so natural to ask what, why, and how anything and everything existed. And for us millennials, The Magic School Bus was one of the best gateways to knowledge. Who wouldnāt have fun with Ms. Frizzle spearheading madcap adventures through science and nature? But then we grew up, and PBS was defunded. And once the magic was gone, learning felt like a chore (when our jobs werenāt taking up all of our mental energy).
Today though, the spirit of adventure and exploration has reawakened in me, and I feel that Iām on the precipice of an unforgettable learning experience just like those kids at Walkerville Elementary, because this guy just rolled up to me and said if I get in his van, we can explore the galaxy.
Everything I learned about stranger danger is telling me Iām going to be reported as a missing person, but in the spirit of discovery, Iām going to roll those dice and get my science on. Though if Dr. Bob (no last name) is right, in about ten minutes, weāre going to blast through the stratosphere for a quick but informative trip through our solar system and beyond. I can only assume the vanās windows are blacked out to protect us from harmful cosmic radiation.
Iām not dumb. If this guy told me we were going to explore the insides of some guyās body, obviously, Iām going to be in a snuff film, and it would be a hard pass. But did the Frizz ever use her anthropomorphic school bus for evil? Of course not. I mean all the rust on the van kinda makes it look like a bus when you squint. Thatās why I have to trust this man, and that the special candy he gave me will help ease my motion sickness upon blastoff.
Surely Ms. Frizzle turned a few heads at school every time she nearly got her class killed, and Iād bet the good doctor here is on a few police watch lists. But that doesnāt change the fact that they just wanted to help people grow and understand the universe. Based on the number of people passed out on the van floor, they mustāve gone beyond the asteroid belt and back in a day.
So have fun being stuck on Earth in a boring old planetarium, Iām about to experience the real deal. Seatbelts, everyone!
Report: Teachers More Triggered by āBack to Schoolā Advertisements Than Their Students
By Ben Friedman
GAITHERSBURG, Md. ā A report released by the National Education Association on school preparedness found that U.S. teachers were exponentially more likely to have a nervous breakdown over the sight of āback to schoolā ads than their students, the organization has confirmed.
āThe report was supposed to be about how much educators and families were spending on school supplies but every teacher we presented with a āback to schoolā flyer from a retail store dropped to the floor and threw a temper tantrum. It turns out they donāt want to go back to the classroom even more than the children,ā said NEA rep Helene Thompkins. āOur study found, even after two seconds of exposure, teachers were eight times more likely than students to experience panic attacks, bargaining for more time off, or calling in bomb threats to Target demanding they take down their displays.ā
Teachers who participated in the study made it clear that any ad celebrating the upcoming school year would be met with hostility.
āAre they trying to fuck with us? I havenāt even got my first paycheck from my second summer job, thereās no way Iām ready to go back, man. I just turned in final grades, why wonāt big box stores leave us alone?ā said 7th grade history teacher Oliver Vail. āThese stores need to be more aware of how triggering their signs are. I donāt care how much of a ādiscountā theyāre offering teachers, it doesnāt change that we canāt enjoy summer for two fucking seconds before being forced to buy our own supplies to teach kids who donāt want to learn.ā
PTA groups across the country acknowledged a growing shortage of mentally healthy teachers.
āWe are well aware these stores are pushing back to school sales earlier each year based on how much our kids complain, but this report has us concerned these psychotic breakdowns over pencil sales will lead to overcrowded classrooms. I mean do these schools really expect us to carry the burden of buying our childrenās supplies two weeks after the last day of class?ā said PTA president Kelly Smith. āWe ran into my childrenās English teacher in Walmart, and she started having some sort of flashback and demanded we prove my son didnāt use AI to write his paper and began burning all the kidsā clothing.ā
The report also found that teachers were equally triggered by āback to collegeā sales because it reminded them of a time in their lives when they were young and still had hope.
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