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Learning Loneliness
🕑 Added 2023-08-19 05:12:50 +0000 UTCBeing single for the better part of five years teaches you how to be alone without being lonely. My god, I could find happiness anywhere in those days. Who needs sex? I had this. There were times when I craved a man’s body, but the need would pass, and I’d return to being a self-sufficient, strong woman.
Then love came along and shattered that.
Suddenly, there was sex on tap. There were hugs on tap. There was the going to sleep spooning and waking up to make coffee together. There were parties and visits and spankings and marks. I was spoiled. Utterly spoiled.
After he left, I went to sleep thinking of what it might be like to have just one more minute with him. I fell asleep thinking, always, of him. I woke up, always, alone.
In just seven months, I’d forgotten how to be alone. I learned how to be lonely instead. I learned it when he shut down and left all but his body behind. I learned it when I spent more hours missing the warmth of his eyes than I did looking into them. I learned it going to sleep night after night after night without him.
Sometimes missing him felt like a serrated knife carving right down the centre of my psyche. It was the nights that hurt me the most. With no words being spoken, with only our naked skins against one another, I felt closest to him. I felt love and I felt loved.
Some days I thought the pain would destroy me. It never did. Emotions just don’t have that kind of power. It just feels as though they do.
Every single day I wished I could go back in time and relive our relationship in a way that assured a happy ending. Then I realised we were never a fairy-tale. We just thought we were for a while.
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Dierdre Vans Evers
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