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What Are Boyfriends?
🕑 Added 2023-10-27 10:41:58 +0000 UTCBoyfriends sit on the evolutionary chain just after Neanderthals and before humans. They’re basically hominids who have developed opposable thumbs but haven’t yet evolved into girlfriends. They live on bacon and spend most of their day wearing black T-shirts. Occasionally, they get up to poke the barbecue fire.
Unlike girlfriends, boyfriends are completely defenceless creatures. Their greatest talent is definitely looking stern and sexy. Personally, I think they just do that to prove they can do stuff besides eating bacon.
In contrast, girlfriends are made of flowers, Ferrero Roche, and puppy breath. Their talents are myriad but include making coffee, eating cupcakes, buying stilettos, leaning over, and preparing sammiches. Now you know why they won the genetic lottery that is natural selection—they can pretty much do anything. Girlfriends are also shit hot, unlike boyfriends, who mostly just look like bacon.
When boyfriends aren’t sitting on wingback chairs, you can find them giving their girlfriends back massages while claiming they’re the ones who are in charge. Girlfriends have IQs of 190, which is why they let their boyfriends believe that.
Scientists say that boyfriends without girlfriends can’t even stand upright, much less make their own bacon, so when they're single they spend days flopping over like jelly that’s defected from its bowl. When they finally get selected by a new girlfriend, they're so happy they buy them new stilettos and everything.
