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The Dark, the Sun, and Sexual Nirvana
🕑 Added 2024-06-04 05:47:36 +0000 UTCI lost my virginity when I was 16 if you’re a censor, and earlier if you want the truth. In those days, sex was only about the finishing line. To get there, you jumped over a few hurdles, and then you went to sleep.
In the dark.
Under the covers.
Wearing his T-shirt.
Sexual boredom feels like one tired orgasm after the moon comes out.
S was different. We were vulgar long before we were in love. He fucked and degraded me and then we went out for coffee and learned that we both loved cheap tequila and getting up before the sun to write run-on sentences about degradation.
H would begin the evening with his hands on my thighs and only undo the first button on my blouse after midnight. That’s how I learned that sex wasn’t the event, but what happened in-between:
The negative space, the time spent waiting, the hands on fully-dressed thighs. There are infinite degrees of nakedness, and they can be exploited in a thousand ways.
E wouldn’t touch me for days, but he’d make me dress in front of the window and take lewd photographs in public bathrooms. That’s how I learned that sex could make me lose my mind. The sensation of not being fucked was as sacred an experience as I’ve ever had.
The more I’ve learned about sex, the more I’ve enjoyed the negative space. Lust grows all on its own if you let it. Playing it like a violin is as much an art as any, and E knew precisely how to do it.
I don’t believe in God, but that kind of love is a religion.
