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Playing for Keepers: Chapter 1
🕑 Added 2024-06-07 22:22:48 +0000 UTCWorm/Dungeon Keeper
Dungeon Keeper is a game where you play as the titular "Dungeon Keeper" and use your super evil and bad guy forces to defend your dungeon against those pesky forces of good! Fight against the tyranny of Happiness and Smiles with your dungeon full of monsters!
Playing for Keepers
Commissioned by GreyMarsh
Chapter 1: Curse Your Sudden But Inevitable Betrayal
“Your dread majesty.” Reap smiled at me with teeth like daggers. “It appears the heroes are finally ready to bargain.”
The court stilled, and all eyes turned to me. Unfortunately, I was used to it at this point. My followers, literally the worst people in all the kingdoms of good that I’d gathered to my banner because they’d showed up at my door, waited for my—for our—moment of triumph. And here I sat on a throne adorned with the skulls of my enemies, wishing I’d done anything but listen to Dinah Alcott.
Cut ties my skinny, white-girl ass.
I raised my chin slightly, projecting every scrap of dread menace I could find. I’d had quite a lot of practice. “The Avatar has come?”
I already knew the answer, my bugs were watching the Avatar of Good and his group from the moment they’d entered my range. My bugs were essentially the only thing I could trust. Everyone else was a backstabbing lunatic, an insane wreck, or worst of all an honest to evilness fanatic. Within the walls of my dungeon, I had a legion of fantasy insects under my control, and their devotion to me came in second to the religious order that quite literally worshipped me as a goddess.
Or, at least, they worshipped the façade I was forced to wear in order to survive the other evil, backstabbing maniacs I’d been forced to surround myself with.
All this because Alexandria threw me into Labrynth’s portal when I tried to surrender.
Now, finally, finally I might have a chance to get back home.
“Of course, your dread majesty.” Horned Reaper smiled with a mouth full of knives. The red skinned demon, my first follower, the leader of my Apostles, bowed low. “The greatest hero of all has come, as you bid, to pay homage to the greatest dungeon keeper since Malekor himself!”
A titter of laughter ran through my court.
“Most excellent.” I leaned back on my throne, affecting a pleased smirk. I just had to channel Lisa one last time. “All proceeds according to our design.”
I tried my best to ignore the grinning faces around me. Thank god these people thought the trappings of royalty included a raised dais and a full flight of stairs. If not for the distance I enforced between myself and my ‘subjects,’ they’d have caught onto me ages ago.
“Ambrosius.” I turned my head.
The dark elf, skin ashen gray, stepped forward. He was the ostensible ‘head’ of my torture and interrogation division, which I maintained because otherwise the torturers and interrogators would all do their own thing, and then I would not only be a war criminal, but I wouldn’t have any usable information either.
Ambrosius sank to a knee in front of my throne. “My queen.” He pressed his lips against my silk skirts. “My soul is yours to command.”
He said that, but. “I thought I told you that wasn’t necessary, Ambrosius.”
He blushed, actually blushed. As an aside, did you know that drow blushed purple? I’d been treated to the sight too often to forget. “You honor me.” He took my grieved foot and pressed a kiss there instead. My court cooed at the display.
It took all my willpower not to scream.
You can’t execute one of your most sane followers, I told myself. You can’t execute the only man in the entire dungeon who wouldn’t betray you if he knew the truth, just because he keeps kissing your feet, Taylor.
Just focus, it’s almost over.
“Be a darling,” I said, “and invite the Avatar in to speak with us. I promise that he will…” I paused just for dramatic effect. “Not be harmed.”
At the foot of the dais, Reap laughed. “I’m certain he will believe you, your Unholiness.”
“Of course he will.” I hated doing it, but I raised Ambrosius’ chin with the tip of my foot. “Inform him that I am being completely honest.”
This time, the laughter spread around the room, all manner of dark beings hooting at the thought of me not harming the Avatar of Good. I was only telling the truth.
I hated it here.
Ambrosius, at least, took me at my word. “Where shall I lead him, my Keeper?”
I leaned on the arm of the throne. “To my throne, of course.”
At that, the laughter stilled.
Ambrosius swallowed, and I narrowed my eyes as he started to sweat. “Here, your Unholiness?”
I let my insects start to buzz. Around the room, my giant antlions lifted their head, gnashing their giant mandibles. Nobody dared move. Then, with a flick of my fingers, they stopped.
“Have you become hard of hearing, Ambrosius?”
“Your words are ever in my ears, you Umbralness,” he replied. “I merely…worry.”
“Why?” The susurration of my insects started again, lower this time, building. “Surely you do not doubt me.”
“Never, it is just…” He trailed off again.
I leaned forward, hands gripping the skull-carved arms of my throne. My lips did not move.
“Speak,” I said with a thousand throats, I said with the rumble of stone as I flexed my will against the very falls of my dungeon.
My other advisor glided forward, white gown whispering against the floor until she stood next to Ambrosius before me.
They were the only two members of my court allowed to climb the dais without express permission.
For some reason, that inspired more envy among the rest of my followers than their actual position.
“He worries for your heart, sister,” Titania, Eternal Queen of the Elven Forests, said.
I let the hissing and gnashing of insects against stone subside.
I’d captured Titania when I besieged the elves for the first time, thinking I could finally use her as a bargaining chip to force a ceasefire between myself and the Kingdoms of Goodness. Surely, the heroes would do whatever it took to save the pure elven queen, even if it was just to negotiate with me for a few days. Even now, Titania looked like a vision of goodness, with long blonde hair running in ringlets down to the small of her back, and luminous blue eyes that seemed to swim with tears for the fallen.
She was also ‘secretly’ evil.
The only reason I’d captured her in the first place was because the Elven Prince had hoped we’d kill each other off. He was King now, and he still hated me almost as much as he hated his mother.
And all of my followers thought I was some kind of seductive genius for convincing her to advise me. Meanwhile, they plotted and conspired to take her position. Just two days ago, the Dark Mistresses Guild—I’m a union daughter, sue me—tried to abduct Titania from within her rooms and torture her into giving up power.
Unfortunately for them, Titania was an evil queen who got off on those types of games, and the Dark Mistresses had walked right into the Goblin King and his retinue on his way to ask for Titania’s hand in marriage. How noble that Rrokk, son of Grokk, son of Mrokk lost his life defending his love and saving Titania from certain death.
Now Shrokk, son of Rrokk, son of Grokk, son of Mrokk saw Titania as an adoptive mother.
Which just about brought us to the current moment.
“My heart?” I leaned to the side, glancing behind my throne at the other reason no one was allowed up on the dais.
Behind me, on its own plinth, sat the dungeon heart.
Gold struts curved up and around a massive white crystal longer in each dimension than I was tall. It pulsed with light from within in time with my heartbeat, and the blood-red gem on top of it gleamed with profane embers.
It was the source of my magic, and if someone managed to destroy it, I would die. It was true; I’d seen it a time or two myself taking on other Dungeon Keepers. Just like them, I was bound to the Dungeon Heart.
At first glance, it seemed foolish to have it in the middle of my throne room, but if there was one thing I knew about ruling a bunch of criminals, it was that Rep was everything.
In placing it here, I framed my throne with the literal heart of my power. I showed everyone that I was without weakness, and therefore without fear.
Also, my Dark Apostoles, the people slavishly devoted to my evil keeper persona unto death, kept vigil over the dungeon heart every hour of every day. Right now, a ring of them stood around the heart, weapons in hand, black armor adorned with the red hourglass sigil of their order.
And man, did I ever regret threatening them with black widows that one time.
“I do not fear for my Dungeon Heart.” I turned back to the chamber, faint smile playing over my lips. “I have defeated every hero sent against me. The Avatar will be no different.”
I wasn’t good enough at people to read Titania’s face as she curtseyed with a murmured, ”Of course, your dread majesty.”
“Off you go, Ambrosius,” I said. “Let us not keep the good hero waiting. It is time to finish this little episode of our saga.”
He kissed the hem of my robe again. “As you command, your maleficence.”
I tightened my hands to keep from pinching my nose. I settled back on my throne in an indulgent slouch that I spent far too much time practicing. “Now, we wait for the culmination.” I toyed idly with a strand of hair. “Will he beg, I wonder? Surely he is too proud.”
I ignored the laughs again. Really, one of the worst things about my position was that I could never be sure if my jokes were actually funny.
At the foot of the stairs, one of my vampires stepped out of the crowd and onto the cobweb carpet that ran through the center of the room. “Shall we fall upon him the moment he enters, your dreadfulness?”
“And waste your lives?” I flicked my fingers. “Perish the thought.”
Titania leaned close over me. I contained a flicker of annoyance as she pushed her chest against my shoulder. “What is your plan to defeat him, sister?”
I sighed. “Telling you now would spoil the surprise,” I said. “But if you must know, I will simply lie to him.”
She blinked. It was the most surprised I’d ever seen her. “Lie to the Avatar? The embodiment of good on this mortal plain, whose eyes can penetrate every lie and falsehood?”
“What other?” I replied.
Titania tilted her head, ears twitching up and down. “I shall never question your wisdom—” She should, it would have gotten her farther. “—but I do not believe anyone has ever successfully lied to the Avatar.”
“Exactly.” I grinned, pulling a line straight from the corniest Saturday morning cartoon villains. “Which is why he’ll never expect it!”
As the rest of my court, Titania included, crowed over my ‘masterful’ plan, I contented myself to wait and watch the Avatar through my bugs and dungeon sight. All dungeon keepers could scry their entire domain as one of their inherent powers.
Well, most of them could scry any part of their domain.
My bugs allowed me to watch everything, all the time.
The Avatar entered my dungeon alone, leaving his party at the gates. He was, as I’d heard described, a tall man with a deep olive complexion and jet-black hair. It was the only dark thing about him, clad in white armor, with a white sword, white robes, and his white Mantle of the Avatar, glowing with an almost painful light.
Here he was, the hero of heroes, blessed by the gods of goodness himself.
Finally, someone who would believe me.
The crowd of my court, vampires and demons and dark elves and more, drew back as the Avatar entered the throne room. I’d never faced him on the field: half planning and half luck, I would admit. According to the tales, he was more than a match for any member of my court, even the master vampire.
Of course, there were more than a few monsters here. And me, ostensibly.
“Welcome,” I said. “You would not believe the trouble it took to get you here.”
The man glowered at me from beneath a heroic brow. “I have witnessed your machinations firsthand.”
I laughed. “Half of them, at most.” He hadn’t seen how much time I spent managing my own people. Really, my Apostles alone had almost sunk this plan more times than I could count.
For some reason that only made him glare deeper. “Regardless, I have come. Alone.”
“I noticed that.” I made a show of glancing around the room. “Why didn’t you bring your companions? I would have guaranteed them my protection as well.”
I saw the Avatar’s face flicker through several emotions as he processed the truth of that statement.
“It matters not.” He struck his cloak to the side, and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes. “Speak, Keeper, so we may end this farce.”
I frowned. “I feel like I’m the only one acting in good faith here.”
The mans eyes bulged. “Good faith?” He placed a hand on his sword. “Speak now, foul temptress, or I will show you my faith in the Good.”
“Christ, who fed you those lines,” I muttered. “Fine, fine. We’ll get right to the point. I have asked you here to discuss the terms of surrender.”
The Avatar drew himself up to his full height. “We will never surrender.”
The entire room leaned forward, waiting, ravenous, watching.
“Of course not.” I smiled. “I wish to discuss mine.”
His jaw dropped.
“What?”
“I said,” I leaned forward on my throne, “I wish to discuss the terms of my surrender to you. Right here, right now. Let every member of my retinue bear witness.”
“What madness is this?” He shook his head. “You expect me to believe that this host of demons you have assembled will bend their necks?”
“They will do what I tell them to do,” I replied. “I am telling the truth. I wish to surrender, to give in. To end this fight between myself and the forces of good. Please.” For once, I stopped trying to hide my true emotions. “I desperately need your help.”
“You…you.” The Avatar placed a hand on his face. “You actually believe that.”
I ignored the gleeful expressions my followers made behind the man’s back.
“Yes.” I was so close. “I mean it. Every word.”
“Why could you possibly intend to surrender?” He lowered his hands, but now they were close to the gilded buckle on his belt instead of the hilt of his sword.
I sighed. The hard part was finished. He believed me. No surprise, because I was telling the truth, but still. “I never meant for things to develop the way they did. When I came to this land, I was mistaken for a witch, driven into the mountains by heroes.”
“I have read the records,” the Avatar said. “You attacked them with dark magic.”
“I tried to defend myself with my own abilities.” I sat up straight. “I did not use dark magic, I was driven to the dungeon heart by your heroes, denied a chance to surrender, and claimed the heart by mistake.”
I still remembered almost sobbing in relief when I felt the first of my giant ants. I’d had them dig a tunnel to me to escape the swordsmen after me. Little did I know they were the last followers of the erstwhile dungeon keeper, and my escape tunnel led directly to his inner sanctum, and inactive heart.
“At every chance, I have tried to establish peace. I have contained the dark denizens of my dungeon. Please,” I begged. “Help me end this.”
“I see,” the Avatar said. “You are not what I was led to believe.”
“Yes. Yes!” I nodded. “I’m not. I swear, this was all just—”
“You are completely insane.”
I froze.
He let out a breath. “I thought that you were a master manipulator, Keeper Skitter; the likes of which this land had not seen in generations.”
“Wait, no that’s—”
“It is clear now that you are a mad woman!” he continued. “How else could you believe the words you say, after sacking Goodsburg and burning Happy Fields? But it makes sense.”
“How does that make any kind of sense?” I shouted.
He pressed both hands against the buckle of his belt. “Only a madwoman would invite me so close to the seat of her power.”
A wave of blinding light issued forth from the belt, washing over everyone in the room. When I blinked my eyes clear, I saw a cylinder of light had formed around me, anchored by runic circles spinning slowly on the floor.
Every person in the room was so bound. Including the Avatar.
“Behold,” he said. “The Chains of the Penitent.”
“This is how you plan to defeat me? Trapping everyone here?” Already, I saw my followers attacking the barriers. I could see the bindings start to fray. “Including yourself.”
“That is where you are wrong, Keeper.” He stepped through the walls of light around himself. “The Chains bind only the evil and the wretched. I am free to act as I wish. You will be forced to watch as I tear your kingdom apart.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Titania test the circle with a finger, only to pull the back with a hiss.
“You and your ilk will be trapped. I thought I would need to fight my way through the rest of your legions to reach the dungeon heart, but instead, you have brought it before me.” He unsheathed his gleaming blade—white, of course.
“Wait.” I rose. “Wait you don’t have to do this!”
“I do.”
“It doesn’t have to be this way!”
“That you believe those words,” the Avatar said. “Is the clearest sign of your insanity yet.”
“Why aren’t you listening to me?”
He stepped past the throne. “To listen to the whispers of Evil is to give them voice.”
I almost screamed. “You’ll die!”
“The folly of the wicked,” he replied. “Is the belief that no one would ever choose to die for the good.”
“You smug fucking bastard.” I jolted to my feet. “I have given up more than you could ever dream of, and you just waltz in here with your tinkertech bullshit and expect me to roll over and die?”
But the Avatar was done engaging with me. He came to a stop before the dungeon heart and lifted his sword above his head with two hands. The glowing light of the blade intensified.
“No!” I threw myself against the bindings.
And crashed into the Avatar when they failed to hold me back.
I think it was surprise, more than my scrawny self, that made him flinch. His sword went wide.
A beam of white lanced out from the blade, clipping my heart.
I screamed from the pain. Collapsed. I didn’t even see the counterstroke that hissed through the air above my head.
I pulled on my pool of mana, and thrust out both hands. Two necrotic fireballs exploded between us. The blast threw me back against the stone.
I rolled to my feet. For his part, the Avatar looked barely singed. The mantle on his back glowed with an even deeper light.
“How?” He shook his head before I could reply. “No, I will not be turned aside now.” He raised his blade into a ready stance.
Then he turned and raced towards my heart.
“Get back here!”
My minions might have been restrained, but the blast of white light didn’t cover my entire dungeon, and everyone beyond the throne room was still free. With a flex of my will, I summoned a squad of antlions into the throne room.
My bugs would know what was going on immediately, and I threw them at the Avatar even as I split my focus and started pulling other minions into the throne room.
“Damn you, Keeper!” The Avatar tore through my first two waves like the dawn tears through the night sky. I felt almost bad.
“It’s your own damn fault!”
I felt worse when my spells continued to wash over his back without doing any damage. Stupid cloak ate my dark magic. Within seconds, the Avatar had hacked his way to the heart and was about to start hacking away at my soul.
The first swing of his sword stopped on the blade of my dark apostle.
“What?” The Avatar and I shouted in unison.
The man was half burned, black armor smoldering from where he’d torn his way free of the bindings.
“You!” The apostle raised his sword. “Shall not! Pass!”
The Avatar’s sword came up.
“No!” With my direct spells useless, I threw a powerful protection over my apostle, then another, then another.
The sword came down.
It shattered my wards, it shattered his armor, sinking halfway through the apostle.
Dark gauntleted hands clamped down on the Avatar’s wrist. “The Dark Lady is with me!” My man’s face split into a rictus grin. Smoke rose from his hands. “I know neither pain nor defeat!”
“Unhand me!” The Avatar exploded in a pulse of white.
Laughter. Half burned away.
He still clung on.
With a hiss, I shook myself from stupor. “To arms! My apostles! The light cannot stop you!” I stepped forward, casting more protections upon my apostles. The fanatics already tearing at their bindings intensified their assault as my power washed over them. Two broke free first, then a third.
Then half the room.
The Avatar finished the first man and cast his twitching body to the ground, but already, a wall of dark steel had formed.
“Protect the heart!”
“For the Dark Mother!”
The Avatar roared, sword flashing, but now, the tide began to turn.
More of my court, the strongest of my followers, broke free from their bindings. I poured my mana into enhancing them even more, so that he couldn’t strike them down with a single blow.
Slowly, he lost ground, and then all at once.
Yet still I’d never seen such a warrior.
He was the storm on the wind, a pale light in the darkness.
Each scratch on his armor was paid in the bodies of my strongest followers. The floor grew slick beneath my feet with blood. I poured out protections in an endless flood and he sliced through them with his magic sword. He pushed against a mountain of bodies with the dead falling all around him. Even with all the odds stacked against him, for a few moments there, it looked like he might still win.
But last stands are called such for a reason.
My Horned Reaper took the Avatar through the stomach with a blow of his scythe. A lucky strike? A dented plate? I would never know. I only saw it pierce through his back in a spray of black and red against the white.
Reap bodily lifted the man from the floor and threw him across the room.
Half eviscerated, armor in tatters, the Avatar rolled to a stop at my feet.
I kicked away his white sword from loosened fingers.
The Avatar wheezed, blood dripping from his lips. “How?” he asked. “How did you break the chains?”
“I told you the truth from the start,” I said. I just couldn’t find it in me to care anymore. “You ruined everything.”
At last, he seemed to make the connection. “…No.”
I nodded. “Yes.” I pulled a slim stiletto from my belt. “And now I have to kill you.” I couldn’t let one of my followers do it. They’d offer his soul up to their patron, and then who knew what the evil god would do with it.
“Ah…” He let out a shuddering breath. “It appears you must.”
I’m sure he also knew that the last time a Keeper killed the Avatar, they managed to unsink Atlantis.
“And just think,” I said. “You could have saved us both so much trouble.”
He nodded. “Forgive—”
I sank the point into his eye with all my weight. He jerked once, then no more.
“Beg your gods for forgiveness.”
With a sigh, I stood. So much time, so much effort. Completely wasted. Men and their hard-on for righteous last stands, I swear.
The entire throne room was silent, staring at me. They’d heard my little chat with the Avatar, of course. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to care. At least he’d killed a few of my most troublesome subordinates. Now that my cover was blown, they’d probably kill a few more before Titania climbed over a mountain of corpses to claim the dungeon heart. So there was that.
Sorry, guys, I really tried to make it back home.
At my feet, the Avatar’s corpse slowly turned into light. As more and more of it faded away, he rose into the air. I ignored the following shouts of alarm. Maybe the next Avatar would have a better chance of dealing with my diminished dungeon after I was out of the way.
I watched silently as the Light Gods took their chosen warrior into heaven. As his killer, I could have contested that claim, and here in the heart of my power, almost certainly won. But that would defeat the purpose of denying his death to any of my followers in the first place.
With a flash of light, he vanished.
Something soft and white fluttered down from above, and on instinct, I caught it. The Mantle of the Avatar landed gently in my arms, a soft dormant white.
Well, I thought, surely if there was anyone who didn’t realize I wasn’t actually evil, this would seal it.
“Oh, sister! What a magnificent show!” Titania stepped out of the crowd, clapping like she’d just gone for a night at the theatre. I noticed vaguely that not a hair on her head was out of place. “I thought I knew the extent of your plans, but this, this is beyond even my wildest expectations!”
I opened my mouth, to say what, I didn’t know.
“She tricked the Avatar!” Titania crowed. “She tricked him and his gods, and now the Mantle of the Avatar is in Keeper hands completely uncontested. They gave it to you! You might even be able to claim it.”
I gaped. “No, that’s—”
“Shh!” She placed a finger against my lips, even as my surviving courtiers began to laugh and applaud my ‘brilliance’. “I understand. They can still hear through the Mantle. It would be a shame to spoil your ruse now with an errant word. Clearly, you were completely honest with the Avatar, obviously.”
“Yes, obviously.” Reap, my Horned Reaper came to stand beside me, all eight feet of his massive frame bristling with pride. “First I was pissed I missed the killing stroke, but this is so much fucking better!” He cackled, pointed teeth flashing.
And I stood, with the Mantle of the Avatar in my arms, and the Light Gods who saw the truth of my heart let me sit there and keep it.
No, what the actual fuck?
I took a deep breath, maybe to scream, maybe to cry, but before I could the doors to the throne room banged open once more to admit a squad of guards bearing news of a prisoner.
With a start, I realized that I’d been so focused on the battle that I hadn’t been paying attention to the rest of the dungeon. Quickly I returned to my throne, forced my court, or what remained of it, back into a semblance of order, and let the cooking goblins come through for the bodies.
I still couldn’t get rid of the cooking goblins. Everyone loved them.
I settled myself on the throne, mantle of the Avatar draped over one arm. My guards eyed it with open awe. I could hear the rumor mill turning.
“Who do you bring before us?” I asked.
Shrokk, son of Rrokk, stepped forward from between the ranks of dullahans and hobgoblins that formed the bulk of my guards. “Your dread majesty.” He bowed, forehead scraping the ground.
Not that it was very far. Goblin kings were surprisingly small.
“The Avatar’s party attacked the gates while many of us were distracted by the call to arms within.” Shrokk was also the most eloquent out of Rrokk, Grokk, and Mrokk. I blamed Titania, but at least it made his reports easier to listen to. “Naturally, they were defeated, and most were slain. Unfortunately, I arrived late to the scene, or else I would have prevented their deaths, so as not to discomfort your guest…” At that, his eyes flicked back to the Mantle laying across my lap.
“It is of no matter,” I replied. “The Avatar, likewise, has been dealt with.” I ran a hand over the Mantle in melancholy. “His entire party came only in an attempt to assassinate me, but of course…” I took a deep breath.
“It was all according to my plan.”
I was so tired.
Shrokk nodded obsequiously. “I could expect no less of you, your dreadfulness.” He stepped to the side. “Then, we have no need of the last prisoner?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Did you not say there were no survivors?”
“One,” Shrokk replied. “Hidden amongst the baggage train. She was much easier to subdue.”
At the snap of his fingers, the guards parted. Held between them was a young girl. God, she must have been even younger than me somehow. She hung limp between two Dullahan, long black braid brushing the floor next to her knees.
When she saw the Mantle she screamed. “Papaa!”
Gods but I was so, so tired.
At least, I could still console myself with the knowledge that I’d done everything right.
Comments
Serene Phua
Dungeon Taylor is Suffering, more more!!
V01D
Very ‘Dungeon Keeper Amy’, but with Taylor Is Suffering.
Apeljohn
On the one hand, the unfortunately-orphaned child of the hero _might_ be pushing too far into bathos. On the other hand, being Taylor is suffering.
Definitely (Not) a Necromancer
I love dungeon keeper
The GrandMage
Is it wrong I kind of do want a jump to the Avatar begging the Gods of Goodness for Forgiveness as they massage their temples and groan about how he had ONE job.
Jeffrey Gassenheimer
One possible point of setup that could be expanded in this chapter is that, while Taylor thinks she’s done, set up further points of resistance even if only in passing, like that elven king guy can clearly be a future villain. More one off mentions of background factions that “can” still oppose her would be good
Joseph Marcia
Yeah I'm definitely trying something new with this one. If I continue it, I'm planning on trying to fill out those relationships in an organic in universe way.
Jeffrey Gassenheimer
This is hilarious, but I can’t help but feel like it starts just a little too far in. The plot hooks are well laid, but there are too many interesting existing relationships that just kinda need to be handwaved.
