372 Pages We ll Never Get Back
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Mankind's Greatest Mistake
🕑 Added 2025-02-26 22:08:15 +0000 UTCIf I told you, and you believed it, "You can only eat Cheetos for the rest of your life," you'd probably react, like, "Hmm, well, that's bad. But, hey, life throws you a lot of curves. I'll take supplements, work out as I need and deal with it as it comes. Stock up on napkins and what could go wrong?" That's a great attitude, and good on you.
But if I told you, and you believed it, "You can only eat pretzels for the the rest of your life," you would rightly scream at the heavens, denounce God, rend your garments, begin throwing things through windows, tearing off all your wallpaper, chasing your mail-person with a bat, and generally make it known that life was, going forward, intolerable. That is the correct and understandable response.
Pretzels are the worst thing ever created by humans. Is the salt supposed to somehow cover up the fact that they are flavorless, dry and horrible? Because all everyone who makes the mistake of sampling a pretzel tastes is salt, flavorlessness and horror. Yes, they are crispy, I'll concede that. Like wood chips or diseased toenails. But they're certainly nothing to be eaten by human mouths. With the end result being pleasure, right?
Were they created solely to add volume to snack mixes? Only to be thrown surreptitiously into garbage cans in wadded up napkins? I mean, those dreadful rye cracker crisps are better, and that's like saying trench foot is better than leprosy.
Big Pretzel's response to the world noticing how utterly awful was their creation, was to make giant "soft pretzels".
"Dear God, your snack is the worst thing since poison gas."
"Yes. We know. BUT. What it we made it huge, more salty, yet very gummy and even more unappealing?"
And, hey, salt makers? You're part of the problem. Why are you enabling the pretzel industry by making those giant, dice-sized chunks of road salt that they use to coat the outside of their abominations? If you just stuck to making your product in small, usable particles you'd paralyze the entire cabal.
Evidently, there are many steps involved in making pretzels? Hey, not necessary. Stop after step one. Throw them all away. Everyone is better off.
Next week I will take on carrots.
Comments
Jackson Crawford
Endorsed.
Matthew Groves
The smell of Auntie Anne's cinnamon pretzels wafting through the concourse is perhaps the only good thing about airports.
