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Chapter 154: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
🕑 Added 2025-07-08 14:27:57 +0000 UTCI was sitting at the kitchen counter in Malibu, munching toast and sipping coffee. Two new songs was released today, Feel So Close (Calvin Harris) and Hey Brother (AvinciI)
Charlie sat across from me, nursing a Bloody Mary like it was a cure-all, while Alan was mid-rant about some new bill or rule or something equally forgettable.
"So you and Lisa?" I asked Uncle Charlie.
"We're giving it a break. She has commitment issues," he replied, sipping his drink without missing a beat.
"Hum huh," I humored, then turned to Dad. "You and Sherri?"
"We broke up. She's just like Charlie—a woman version of Charlie," explained Alan.
"Totally understandable," I agreed with Dad.
Charlie glared at us, but then continued, "And you and Tasha?"
"Over. She's in NY now," I replied.
"So we're all bachelors again, huh," Alan murmured. "Now even Satan would need to be careful," he added, gaining confidence after dating a beauty like Sherri.
"How are my boys doing?" Grandma appeared, greeting us.
"And you had to invoke her," Charlie muttered, shooting a glare at Alan.
"So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected..." Charlie began.
"Pleasure?" Evelyn offered.
"No, that's not it," Charlie replied flatly.
"I was showing a house to a family called Stewart here in Malibu, and I thought I'd visit the people I love," Evelyn said with a smile.
"And they weren't home?" Alan quipped.
Alan and Charlie exchanged their famous smile to each other, earning a deadpan glare from Grandma.
I was trying hard not to laugh, as that one was good.
"Goody. There's a Tudor on Stone Canyon that's going on the market soon," said Grandma, picking up the newspaper and starting to circle listings with a pencil.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"Owner dropped dead of a heart attack. You know what they say, darling: Today's obituary is tomorrow's exclusive listing," Evelyn replied casually.
"Father of five in Westwood. I'm on fire," she added.
"You will be soon," Charlie muttered.
"Mom, why are you still working? You're loaded with money," asked Alan.
"I love my profession, son. More than ever now, since I no longer have to deal with the poor and indecisive. And I don't need to cater to pompous clients anymore—they're the ones begging me to sell them a good house now," Evelyn replied.
"Oh, my God. Harry Gorsky died," Evelyn exclaimed, reading the newspaper.
"Oh, no. Are you sure it's him?" Alan asked.
"How many Harry Luther Gorskys are there in Los Angeles?" Evelyn replied.
"Well, there's one less now," Charlie murmured.
"Who are you talking about?" I asked.
"He was Uncle Charlie's and my stepdad," Alan explained.
"The first of three, and not my favorite," Charlie added.
"I liked him," Alan said.
"Oh, please. You were six. You still liked Mom," Charlie retorted.
"Mom, are you okay?" Alan asked.
"No, I'm not okay. He was a good man... and part of my life, and now he's gone. I just pray he died peacefully... and held on to that stately ten-bedroom, six-bath Colonial... in Hancock Park... with the bonus office/guest room over the garage," Evelyn said.
"Gramma, you better hope that foundation helps your case," I murmured. Grandma had made a donation foundation—a legit one. She was doing a good deed, even if her intention might not be so noble, like trying to look like a good person, despite not actually being one (but well, better good results with bad intentions than the opposite).
Then we all went to the living room.
"Let me get this straight. First there was your dad, then this guy Harry who died... then the fat guy with the carpet business," I said, trying to remember all of Grandma’s husbands.
"No, no, no. The fat guy came after the twitchy gay guy from Texas... who gave us crew cuts and called us buckaroos," Charlie corrected.
"So out of the three... Harry was the best," Alan said.
"I liked the fat guy, remember? With the chubby daughter who was so grateful? All you had to do was knock on her door with some Turkish Taffy," Charlie said.
"Be that as it may, he was still a very good father to us," Alan insisted.
"Oh, please. He was a little tyrant," Charlie scoffed. "'Sit up straight.' 'Do your homework.' 'Quit forging my signature on hotel bills.'"
"Okay, then. The funeral is tomorrow," Evelyn stated. "I think it would be appropriate for us all to go and pay our respects."
"I don't know. Tomorrow's not good for me," Charlie said.
"Oh, Charlie. The man was your father," Evelyn said.
"No, he was not," Charlie replied.
"Why do you care so much? You divorced him," Charlie added.
"Just because you divorce doesn't mean you no longer have feelings,"
"That's true. Judith still has feelings for me," Alan offered.
"Pity is not really a feeling, Alan," Charlie snapped.
"Regardless of our feelings, we'll still go and say our final goodbyes to Harry," Evelyn declared.
"I think it's the right thing to do, and I liked Harry," Alan agreed.
"And he liked you," Evelyn nodded.
"I know. We've stayed in touch over the years."
"What? You betrayed me by communicating with that son of a b*tch after I divorced him?" Evelyn snapped.
"Well, wait a minute. You said that—" Alan started.
"I know what I said. I was just being polite because the guy's worm chow," Evelyn said coldly.
"All I did was send him Christmas cards and a picture of Jake," Alan defended.
"You sent a picture of me? Why would you do that? At least make sure he had a cute daughter," I said.
"You never send me a picture of Jake," Evelyn interjected.
"He's right here," Alan said, pointing to me.
"When was the last time I got a Christmas card?" Evelyn demanded.
"Wait, I'm on your side. Charlie's the one who doesn't wanna go," Alan said quickly.
"I don't even know if I want you to come now. You've ruined it," Evelyn shot back.
"How can you ruin a funeral?" Alan asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it anymore," Evelyn said, standing up.
"Where are you going?" Alan asked.
"I need something black," Evelyn answered.
"Doesn't your soul qualify?" Charlie quipped.
"Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you," Evelyn warned.
"How will that be any different than this?" Charlie replied.
