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Chapter 155: Funeral
🕑 Added 2025-07-09 12:46:03 +0000 UTCThe next morning, I was on the phone with Paige while getting dressed.
"Yes, it was as I explained," I said. "I will go to the funeral, you four can go without me."
She sighed on the other end, but I could tell she wasn’t going to argue (for obvious reasons).
"Hey! Let's get this over with," Charlie said, coming down in a suit.
"You're coming to the funeral?" Alan asked, surprised.
"I thought about it and realized, even if I didn't like the guy... that shouldn't stop me from going to his funeral... and, you know, taking a victory lap," Charlie replied.
"Charlie, you're not gonna wanna hear this... but you sound a lot like Mom," Alan noted.
"Tread lightly," Charlie warned.
"Isn't it a little early to start drinking?" Charlie asked Grandma, while Dad was driving. Three cars followed us—my security.
"Would you like a snort?" Evelyn offered.
"That's what I meant," Charlie replied.
"Thanks," he added, accepting.
"You okay, Mom?" Alan asked gently.
"I just can't believe he's gone," Evelyn said.
"Isn't that why we're going to the funeral? To make sure?" Charlie quipped.
"I'm confused. If you cared for Harry so much, how come you left him?" Alan asked.
"Yes, well, about that. I may have glossed over the details with you boys just a skosh. I didn't actually leave Harry so much as he left me," Evelyn admitted.
"You're kidding," Charlie said.
"He met a younger woman... and just traded me in," Evelyn continued.
"You still loved him, didn't you?" Alan asked.
"I loved him very much," Evelyn said softly. "Oh, Harry. My sweet, dear Harry."
"Sorry, Gramma," I said, trying to console her.
---
"Oh, Lord. There she is," Evelyn muttered.
"Who?" Alan asked.
"The tramp who stole my husband," Evelyn said with narrowed eyes.
"Not bad," Charlie commented, looking at her, and immediately received a glare from Grandma.
"Not good either," he quickly added. "I'm gonna go mourn," Charlie said, starting to walk away.
"Yeah, me too," Alan followed.
"Stay put. Mommy needs you," Evelyn stopped Dad and I.
"Hello, Evelyn," the woman greeted.
"Hello, Christine," Evelyn replied curtly.
"This is my son, Alan," Evelyn introduced.
"Hello," Alan greeted.
"And who's this younger one? Your grandson?" Christine asked, glancing at me.
"Yes, my proud grandson. Genius at study, and great at making money. He made us millions," Evelyn said with a proud and defiant smile. (The movies are no secret, many already know.)
"Yes, I've been blessed with both children and grandchildren. How about you? Oh, wait, I remember. You were slightly less fertile than a sand trap," Evelyn finished with a daggered smile.
Aye, Gramma, this is overkill…
"We're very sorry for your loss," Alan tried to ease the tension.
"It's not my loss. He left me for that tramp over there," Christine said bitterly.
"She doesn't look very unhappy, does she?" Christine added.
We all turned to see the woman she was pointing at—and to our 'surprise', Uncle Charlie was already talking to her.
"She just met him. Wait a week," Grandma muttered, unimpressed.
Dad and I overheard Charlie as we approached them.
"I think it's the responsibility of we, the living, to carry on... to live life to the fullest. Embrace it."
"Excuse me, Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute?" Alan said.
"Sure. Heather, this is my brother, Alan. He lives with me at my beach house in Malibu, and that is my nephew, Jake" Charlie said.
"Hi," Heather greeted.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Alan and I said.
"Thank you," she replied.
"Alan came to live with me... at my Malibu beach house. It's a healing house. You can find all the comfort there," Charlie added.
"Thank you," Heather nodded again.
"Charlie," Alan insisted.
"Excuse me a moment," Charlie told Heather, stepping aside.
"What, what, what, what, what?" Charlie asked.
"What do you mean, 'What, what, what'? You're hitting on the widow," Alan said, incredulous.
"No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't hit on her until they close the lid," Charlie replied.
"Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?" Alan demanded.
"Probably drunk and on top of somebody," I answered before Charlie could. "And Uncle Charlie, that is low even for you. God, there are so many girls, you will hit a nearly widow?"
"Okay, fine," Charlie said, finally resigned.
"It's a miracle," Dad murmured.
---
“So... I would like to invite anyone... who wishes to say a few words about Harry... to come up and share with us,” the host said.
“As always, I'll do him first,” Grandma said, stepping up and blocking Christine.
“Mom, bad idea,” Alan warned as she walked to the memorial.
“Hey... if I didn't give in to bad ideas, you wouldn't be here. Hold this,” Evelyn handed Alan her bag.
“And where are you going, Jake?” he asked me
“I’m out. I don’t want anything to do with this freak show…” I said and stepped outside the chapel. From outside, I could still hear Gramma speaking.
“Hello. Welcome to Harry's funeral. I haven't seen him so drained of bodily fluids since our honeymoon. What? I thought I'd open with a joke.”
Eww, I grit my teeth.
“My name is Evelyn Harper... or, as dear Harry used to call me, his sweet little sugar tushy. When I first met Harry... I was just a hot young widow with bills to pay... who could lick the chrome off a trailer hitch. I also had two small boys... one of whom Harry cared for very deeply. The other one was Charlie.”
“It wasn't easy being a substitute father... but Harry gave it his all. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough... which is probably why he looked for solace... in the arms of a cheap slut.”
“Stand up, Christine. Let everybody have a look at you.”
“Take a good look, Heather. That's gonna be you someday. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being disrespectful to the grieving widow.”
“But, listen, you wanna talk grieving? I'm grieving. I loved this man with all my heart, and you left me, you lousy bastard. Well, take a good look. I've still got a great ass... and yours is decomposing as we speak.”
“Thank you.” Evelyn ended.
---
I was already in the car when the three of them arrived. While Dad was driving, Grandma said,
"And I want an unadorned headstone, which reads simply: 'Evelyn Harper. Loving wife, devoted Mother.'"
"That's good. Open with a joke," Charlie muttered.
