MaerBear
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Chapter 60: Blood
🕑 Added 2023-08-18 17:15:01 +0000 UTC“C’mon Mako, we’re going to be late.” Asana transferred the bag of groceries to one arm so she could pull him along.
“But why don’t we just stay on the road? Mom says the alleys are dangerous.”
“Quit being a baby, it’s faster if we cut through here, and we’re already behind schedule. I’m not walking all the way around just because you are a little bedwetter.” She gave him another tug.
This time, he relented and followed her, but he kept complaining anyway. “It’s your fault we’re late. If you hadn’t taken the detour to look at the sword shop we’d be back already.”
She already knew that. Why did he always have to make her feel like the dumb one. She shoved her shoulder into him and he stumbled, nearly dropping his bag in a nasty puddle. “Don’t drop it, stupid!”
He stared at her with those wide, accusing eyes, but she just smiled back until he looked down and started walking again. She heard footsteps and looked back. There were three men walking toward them.
Asana got close to her twin and whispered, “We need to go faster, but don’t run and don’t look back.”
For a second he looked like he was going to retort but then he registered the seriousness in her eyes.
They were so close to the end of the alley. Maybe ten more steps.
A new man stepped out in front of them, blocking the exit. This one had a knife.
“Where are you two going?” He sneered, revealing the nasty inside of his nasty mouth. The teeth that were still there were stinky brown. “Is that food in those bags? Looks like someone is cheating the rations.”
The men behind them drew closer.
Asana gasped, looking behind the man. When he turned his head to look, she dropped her bag and punched him in the privates as hard as she could. She grabbed her twin brother and bolted around the man as he bent over, “Come on Mako!”
Something hard and heavy hit her in the back and she toppled onto her face, letting go of Mako as she fell. “Go on Mako! Run!”
But he stopped and stood between her and the men as they caught up. His legs were shaking and a wet stain was spreading through his pants, but her cowardly brother didn’t run. The idiot. “Please go, Mako!”
The men circled around again to block off the exit.
She tried to stand but her back twinged and she collapsed to her knees. Looking around, she saw what had hit her—a brick—and started edging closer to it.
She wasn’t going down without a fight.
Then the shadows darkened and writhed.
A wet crunch came, then a thud as the man closest to the end of the alley collapsed. In his place was a man wrapped in a grey cloak. It looked military issue from the stitching. The man held a long knife and blood stained the pommel. Before the street thugs could react, the stranger feinted at the nearest one still standing before stepping in and slamming the butt of his blade into the man’s center, then slamming it down on the back of the thug’s head as he keeled over.
#
Cold, dark fury ran through Ren’s veins as the remaining two street toughs charged him. The first had a dagger, and as he spun to block it with his knife, the second man’s fist landed on his kidney, he reversed the movement of his blade after the block, driving it toward the man’s heart, only mastering himself at the last second to redirect it into up into the shoulder. He couldn’t kill a man in front of his siblings. He wouldn’t bring the blood back home.
Ren was forced to release his weapon as he barely dodged another swipe of the dagger, ducking behind the stabbed man and kicking him toward the attacker. The blade wielder knocked his friend out of the way. Ren took the opening and smashed a fist into the man’s face, sending him reeling back.
Someone called, “Halt!” Ren’s hand froze on its way to the hatchet in his belt. It was the spirit-damned city watch, perpetually late and notoriously corrupt. “What’s happening here?”
This was when they would arrest him, wasn’t it? He didn’t turn from the man with the knife.
“Don’t be stupid.” Another member of the patrol said, and in the corner of Ren’s eye a crossbow leveled on the still armed thug. “Don’t test me.”
The dagger clinked to the ground.
Kill him.
Ren breathed and forced the darkness into submission. Fuck. He hadn’t even noticed it this time. Was it gaining more power over him?
Once the shadows in the alley settled and their cool embrace fled his skin, Ren turned to face the patrol, lifting his hands and flicking his cloak free of his shoulder to reveal his status in the military.
“Ren?” A familiar voice came from a short woman in a City Watch uniform who stood behind the other two. He couldn’t help but smile.
“You know this man, Cadet Norn?”
Her eyes roamed over him, searching for something, and, barely audible, she said, “I thought I did…”
“Speak up Cadet.”
“I mean- Yes, I know him. He's the little stray we took in. I was telling you about him yesterday.”
“The one who plays the flute?” The guardsman eyed Ren dubiously.
“Well he’s been away serving with the Northern Brigade.”
The man sighed and gestured to the still standing thug. “Restrain the thieves, Norn. It seems clear enough what happened here.”
Norn met his eyes as she shouldered past him, her look told him he’d have a lot of explaining to do when he got back to Garam’s. Damn, he’d missed her.
#
Ren wished Asana would have just let the story stay between them. “And then Ren appeared out of nowhere like- like a ghost-”
Mako cut in, “Like a hero.”
Ren’s gut twisted. He was no hero. If anything-
Asana glared at her twin. “Fine. Like a heroic ghost. And he was all like—” she proceeded to throw wild kicks and punches into the air that resembled no fight he’d ever witnessed “—it was so awesome. And then Auntie Norn came.”
This time it was Ren who interrupted. “Auntie Norn? Seriously? She’s barely five years older than me.”
Mako chimed in helpfully, “She said we should call her that since she is always taking care of you.”
He ground his teeth, but decided to let it go. Instead, he brought a hot cup to his mouth and took a sip, disappearing into his thoughts. It was good to be back. His father looked better than he had in over a year. Mom was a little worn, the lines a bit deeper on her face, dark rings under her eyes, but she still looked better than half the people he’d passed on his way there. The twins were noticeably taller, especially Asana, who took any opportunity she could to remind Mako she was bigger than him.
The sound of his sister calling Mako’s name had been a joyful surprise when he first heard it on the way to the Osirus compound. But when the fear in her voice registered, he’d lost control immediately. He was just lucky he hadn’t killed anyone in front of them.
“Ren-ji,” said his mother. She was smiling at him, but it was a look tight with worry. “Thank you for bringing us tea herbs. The only tea we have is that blighted stuff your father gets from the clinic. This is a special treat.”
He returned the smile, trying to project strength to ease her concerns. “That reminds me,” he said, “I got these on sale from an artisan in Kunig’s Crossing.” He pulled two ornate sandalwood figurines. The first—a woman in a flowing gown, forever frozen, rippling in an unseen wind—he gave to Mako, who accepted it in silence, with his sweet little smile. The second—an armored warrior depicted in a flying spear thrust—he gave to Asana, who jumped and hollered in appreciation.
At this moment, his satchel, which he’d purchased in exchange for some leftover ration bread and smoked meat, yipped indignantly.
Everyone froze.
He reached inside. “I have someone to introduce you to.” He pulled out the little fox, only to pause when he saw that her coat had returned to its natural pearl color. “This is Amira.”
She wriggled free, cast a glare over her shoulder that said ‘how dare you forget me’, and visited each of his family members, giving them a sniff and a lick.
Asana grabbed the cub and spun her around. “She’s so beautiful!”
Amira nipped her captor, and Asana let her go before running to the corner to sulk. The fox followed her, and climbed on her and licked her face—eyes, nose, mouth, all—until the girl broke out giggling.
Eventually attention returned to Ren once more and he weathered the inevitable barrage of questions. He told the truth as often as he could, bent it most of the time, twisted it where needed, and more or less avoided blatant lies. Their eyes all widened as he talked about his time with Mupali’katana. In most of the world, Awakened Beasts were considered sacred, and his family had always been of the broader world.
Finally, the questions ceased and he was able to relax.
Ren watched the twins play with the fox cub, watched his mother leaning into the nook under his father’s arm, and felt a knot untie in his chest. Everything was going to be alright.
#
Ren looked across the flickering candles on the table toward Garam, spooning watery soup into his mouth, and Norn, cross legged on her chair with nothing but a small bowl of rice before her.
“I ate at Watch headquarters. Stop hassling me and eat the damn soup,” she said.
“You say that every day, but you’re still to small by half,” countered the innkeeper.
Ren smiled as Amira whined from his lap for a bite of food. “Shhh, little one, we already ate when we were at the garrison.” He poked her distended belly. “I doubt you could fit anything more in there anyway.”
The fox fixed him with a glare and leapt from his lap to rub against Garam’s leg. The big man paused his debate to look at her. “She really is a pretty one, isn’t she?”
Amira preened at the praise.
“Don’t spoil her,” said Norn. “If she’s going with Ren she needs to learn to catch her own meals.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Garam slurped down the last of his soup and turned to Ren. “Do you want to talk about it.”
“About what.”
“About the nightmares. About whatever happened while you were away?”
Norn’s head snapped to face Ren. “What is he talking about?”
Ren sighed. He tried to talk, but the words kept dying in his throat.
“I’ve heard those night yells before. Hell, I’ve had them,” sad Garam. “It’s best to talk it out now.”
Ren wanted to tell them everything. To tell them about the trials and the Alpha, about the Kareem and Basher and the shadow. But it was too much.
Cloud Company 7 deserved to be remembered though, even if that was the one thing he was most afraid to talk about.
“We set a trap for the bandits who’ve been disrupting the supply line to the front lines. I thought I was ready. I trained every moment I had. But…”
The silence hung there till Norn opened her mouth and Garam gestured for her to wait.
“I wasn’t ready. One of them survived and I had a shot. But- I couldn’t take it. The commander sent a bunch of us to track the one who got away, and while we were gone the bandits sicked a massive beast on the company. It tore through camp till the commander managed to get it to leave. But the damage was done. Then, when we were weakened, they ambushed us. I watched them kill my friend. I waded through a sea of blood and bodies. I could only save three of them. They all died for my mistake. If I had taken the shot. If he hadn’t reported back…”
After another pause Norn spoke up, voice unusually gentle. “And what do you think would have happened if he hadn’t reported back? You don’t think they’d have gone after you anyway?”
“But we can’t know that.”
“Exactly. We can’t know what would have happened, only what did. You killing that man might have saved lives, might not have-”
“That isn’t the point! Don’t try to make me feel better. I don’t deserve to feel better. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I knew what I was signing up for but I kept doubting. I kept letting the insults and the fear get to me. And then I froze up when it mattered. The whole time I’ve been in Ardus I’ve been called Empyrean trash, spit upon, beaten, told I was weak, less than. And I proved them all right. That would never have happened to Parna. He’d have done what needed to be done. FUCK!” Ren slammed his fists on the table, and shadows wriggled in the corners of the room. “Now I’m doing it again. All this doubt, all this fear that I’m not good enough, all my worrying about what other people think and feel, trying to be a ‘good person’ or a ‘hero’- the cost was too high already. Why am I the one who survived when I’m the one who failed?”
The words hung in the air till Amira leapt onto his lap and began licking the tears he hadn’t known he was shedding from his face. When he looked back up there was fire in his heart. “Never again. I’m never going to be weak again. I owe it to them.” Now he knew the cost of mercy, of hesitation, of doubt. There was no space for such things in war.
Norn looked at him like she’d never seen him before.
Garam smiled a sad, knowing smile. “The world isn’t fair. Sometimes that cuts in your favor, sometimes not. You can’t bring them back, but you have the right of it in honoring their memories. Some day I hope you’ll forgive yourself, but for now, cherish them and carry them with you. Be the sword that defends what they defended.”
Ren drank that in and nodded.
Norn still looked thrown off so he changed the subject. “I learned some new songs this year. Do you want to hear?”
“Nothing would make me happier,” said Garam.
“Only after a hug,” said Norn. And she hugged him so tight and so long that Amira decided to nip her heels to free him.
#
Ren woke screaming again, sheets drenched, Amira mewling. He rubbed his hands together, trying to scrub off blood that existed only in his soul. Thirst clawed at him, not for water but for anything that could cut the edge. Any taste he could find of sweet oblivion. Of peace.
Instead he rose from bed and left the inn with his flute and his sleeping fox. The city was still dark. Katarn had never been this quiet before. This still.
Ren charted a path north, toward the Copper River, through alleys and streets that had been his whole world. His prison. His home. Now nothing more than filthy corridors where shadow loomed darker and thicker even in the night.
He pushed back as the darkness reached for him. That wasn’t his path. He wouldn’t let it be.
Flowing water rushed and bubbled. Ren looked down into the broken surface of the river, the swirls and currents, the thousand stars reflected in its shifting face. He climbed atop a roof and sat, tried to slip into Wind Tickles the Leaves, seeking something, anything. Blood and death and shadow flashed before his eyes, and he didn’t fight back. His awareness spread out into the stone and air, the water and a green sprig of life pressing free through a crack in the walkway below. It turned inward, to the current running through his meridians, the sparking, shining warmth of his dantian.
To the coiled hungry shadow.
He pulled back.
No. The shadow may have started as something terrible, something unfathomable. But it had also kept him alive. Given him the strength to save his friend, to get vengeance for those he couldn’t save. It was a part of him now.
Yesssssss
Light unfurled across the sky from the east, painting the sky and the clouds, setting the river afire. Banishing darkness.
Amira stirred inside his shirt, and he picked up his instrument and played. With his song he reached out to the world with his own spirit, his own soul. And the world answered.
The wind picked up, twirling leaves upon its hands, and whispered promises of a new day, a new life. And another voice rose from deep within him, joining the song with a silent hiss that promised power.
The little fox cub squirmed against his skin, the rise and fall of her breathing joining the rhythm of the song.
He’d come a long way this past year, but there was much farther to go before he set things right for his family and repaid his debt to the souls of his fallen comrades.
His song petered out.
Just a few weeks and he’d be heading off with Azam. Ren couldn’t afford to waste any more time. He’d let his training slip since the cave. No more taking it easy. From what he’d gathered, all the irregulars were full cultivators with cores and secret techniques. If he wanted to keep up, he’d have to train harder than he ever had before.
Amira poked her head out and yipped.
At least he wouldn’t be doing it alone.
End of Book 1
Hi friends!
Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me. I've learned so much during this process and been touched and inspired by the support of you all, my patrons <3 (I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but this is my first completed novel length project)
I am starting a hiatus to focus on writing and try to incorporate everything I learned from this process into making volume 2 even better. Earlier I said that if my break was longer than a week or two I would pause billing. Right now I'm confident it will be at least a month, maybe two before I'm ready to start posting again. As such, I'll be pausing billing for as long as I'm not posting so you don't have to adjust your membership status and you'll be the first to know when the next book is ready. I'm planning on going to four chapters per week when I get back, but we'll see.
Billing will pause on Monday, August 21 in order to allow any last minute reader to sign up for an end of book binge.
I'd love to hear your overall thoughts on the story so far as well as any wish list items for the next volume. I make no promises about incorporating suggestions, but they might tip the scales when I'm at a crossroads in the writing or editing process.
Things you can expect in the next volume:
-More in depth exploration of Cultivation/Magic-system and Ren's relationship to the Shadow.
-A wiser, more competent Ren with a more developed path/fighting-style.
-More training and combat.
-Cuddly fox time with Amira.
-Insight into the journeys of some characters we haven't seen for a while.
I'll make sure to check in periodically with updates.
Extra note for those who don't know how patreon pauses work:
Pauses automatically last for a month at a time, skipping all billing that would have happened during that time, but keeping you on the same schedule, so if you signed up yesterday and I paused today, then resumed posting in a month and didn't do another pause, you would start with 29 days banked before you got billed again. I'm trying to manage this in a way where it doesn't feel like you get penalized based on the date you signed up.
I appreciate you!
Comments
When I was first writing the ending Ren was too exhausted and overwhelmed to think about loot. That said, since reading your comment, I realize that it definitely deserves at least a mention and I am considering giving him some loot in the edits. I'll provide a list of any notable changes (like that) before posting book 2.
Exquisite writing. Love Ren and other characters. Can’t wait for more.
Grant lee merrifield
So you brought it up earlier, then seemed to forget about it. However the bandits by definition would have a lot of loot.
