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Chapter 7: Despair
🕑 Added 2022-10-10 01:51:33 +0000 UTCEvery day of that entire winter, Rowan felt like she had been blessed by the Goddess. That was the only way she could explain the happiness she felt. The days she spent with Kiriin were particularly special. Add in the excitement from the week between seasons where news of the upcoming crimson eclipse arrived from the Grand Temple in Midiris along with Rowan's upcoming trip with her father, and you had a recipe for an amazing year.
With everything going on, however, Rowan opted to focus her attention on her fourteenth birthday and her trip to Tærin City with her father as it was quite literally just round the corner. In addition to the imminent nature of the trip, Rowan's main reason for focusing on it came from the fact that she was being given the opportunity to choose one of her own gifts and she was at a complete loss for what she wanted.
Of course, she was also looking forward to spending some quality time with her father. He was so often busy with work and went on business trips throughout the year, so time with him was special.
This was especially true now that she was older. In the years after Tehri was born, Rowan would often play in his store while he worked as Hæra was often busy looking after Tehri. For a while, some of his customers even saw her as an adorable little mascot. Unfortunately, that was no longer viable as she had grown a lot since then and was often very busy herself.
Rowan was also particularly excited to get away from Næmyris for a few days, considering how rare such an occurrence was. The last time she went any further than the forest was when Tyris was granted the rank of Junior Captain in the Navy just under four years ago.
She envied her brother and father for how much grander their worlds must seem from all of their travelling, though she understood the reasons why she could so rarely travel.
Tehri was unfortunately not the best at travelling long distances, especially with her tendency towards a weak constitution, and Rowan wasn’t old enough to accompany Gyren alone when he went off on his more distant business ventures.
This time, however, it was her turn to go on a grand adventure, one that would take several days if everything went according to plan.
Rowan spent much of the time before the trip talking to the twins about what she should get while she was there.
There was much to consider and much to be excited about. Should she buy any souvenirs while she was there?
What would Kiriin like? Or Kyr?
Would buying souvenirs be weird, considering the reason for the trip?
These were all questions she could obviously only ask herself, but the twins were still a great help. It was also significantly less awkward than it could have been considering the strange relationship dynamic between them.
Rowan was sure Kyr knew at this point, but any reaction he may have had was overwhelmed with excitement.
With only a day before her departure, Rowan sat drinking tea with the twins at their house for a last-minute planning session.
“You should ask for a sword!” Kyr announced enthusiastically to the girls as they just gave him the flattest of looks.
“She already has a sword, Kyr,” Kiriin reminded him.
“Well yeah, but she probably won’t get that one until she’s much older,” Kyr explained.
“That’s not the point,” replied Kiriin with an exasperated sigh. "Plus, swords are expensive.”
“Kiriin’s right, I don’t need a sword,” Rowan added. “Especially when we already have the practice weapons that Tyris gave us.” She spoke in a neutral tone so as to not give the impression of favouritism.
“What about a knife?” he asked.
Rowan patted her thigh. “Already got one.”
“Right,” Kyr said in a rather deflated manner.
“You really do carry that around everywhere, don’t you?” Kiriin interjected.
“It’s useful to have around and I like it.”
“Even if… Ouch!”
Kyr didn’t get to finish whatever he was going to say due to Kiriin elbowing him firmly in the ribs.
Rowan laughed with mirth “What about a teddy bear? Da wouldnae be expecting that.”
“Yes!” Kiriin exclaimed. “A big fluffy one. Maybe a Giant Mandra?”
“That would be absolutely perfect!”
“Why would you want a teddy bear? Doesn’t sound very useful.”
“Stop being such a bore, Kyr,” Kiriin laughed. “Teddy bears are cute.”
“And cuddly.”
“Presents don’t need to be useful.”
Kyr was blushing with embarrassment as Rowan and Kiriin chided him playfully.
“There’s no need to blush, Kyr. We’re only teasing. Isn’t that right, Kiriin?”
“Well, sorry,” Kyr interjected before Kiriin could answer, “but I’m clearly not needed here. I’m sure you two would much rather be alone with how in sync you are.” He punctuated his remark by standing up suddenly and turning to leave the room.
“That’s not what we were saying,” Rowan objected.
“I don’t want to hear it!” he interrupted before fleeing.
“Kyr!” Kiriin called after him. “I’m so sorry, Rowan. This is why I didn’t want him to know.”
Kiriin then went after her brother, leaving Rowan alone in the room. She said her goodbyes not long after that, and while the day had ended on a sour note, she’d still had tremendous fun.
The air was crisp as she walked home. It was a beautiful evening, all things considered, and Rowan felt as if there was little that could get in the way of her excitement. With a burst of joy, Rowan opened the front door of her house.
“I’m home!”
Her words were meant for no one in particular, but Tehri had just so happened to be in the middle of walking down the stairs. “So you are,” she responded distantly, her face haunted by a deep melancholy.
Rather than be phased by her little sister’s sadness, Rowan gave her a smile. “Good evening, Tehri. You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
It was a simple response, yet one with a hollow depth and complexity. Tehri was anything but fine. It was as if she had gone to the absolute bottom of depression, reached the other side, and sunk right back down again; a profound despair that Rowan couldn’t even begin to fathom.
“Are you sure?”
Rowan didn’t need the answer. Something about Tehri’s sadness resonated with the core of her being and she could feel it seep through the cracks. Her heart ached, and all of her excitement bled away.
Rowan didn’t understand why it was hitting her so hard. She had barely thought about or even interacted much with Tehri for pretty much the entirety of winter. Even as Rowan recalled how Tehri had been, those memories paled in comparison to what she saw now.
Loneliness. Tehri’s affliction was becoming clear to Rowan now, a deep all-consuming loneliness had been weighing deeply on her heart.
How had she not seen it?
Her eyes had been open but blind to see what really mattered. Perhaps she may have if she had taken the time to look instead of turning her back on Tehri.
She had walked forwards with her own life and then blamed Tehri for being unable to keep up. What had happened to being a good older sister and helping Tehri when she stumbled through life? In hindsight, it was all so obvious, and Rowan didn’t want to believe it. She fled to her room and tried to hide from the revelation.
Ignorance was bliss, knowing was a nightmare.
*****
Sleep failed Rowan that night. No matter how far she ran, Tehri’s haunted loneliness caught her. Because of her somewhat poor constitution and strange moods, Tehri had never had many friends growing up. Not many people understood the pendulum-like nature of her moods, the depression, and the mania, especially children.
When Tehri was depressed, she tended to be withdrawn and rather apathetic, not really wanting to spend time with anyone, and the lack of a smile was never too welcoming.
Then there was the mania, which was arguably harder to deal with, especially if it happened directly after a depressive episode. To see someone go from despair and sadness to having boundless energy and a lack of inhibitions to stop them from acting on some of the thoughts that had struck them while they were down was a terrifying sight.
Yet, despite all she suffered, she still had the support of her family, and she had friends in Rowan and the twins. It wasn’t the same as friends her own age, but it was enough for Tehri, and Rowan had taken that away from her.
Guilt played a scornful melody on Rowan’s heart. She had failed as a sister. She had failed Tehri, and no one else could see it. Tehri probably hated her now, not that Rowan would blame her, she’d probably feel the same way in her shoes.
Already, a small part of her being, down in the depths of her soul, hated herself for abandoning Tehri, but what was she to do? Could she have done anything differently? Probably. Definitely. Not that it mattered now. She had already failed. Her thoughts kept coming back to that, like a circle. She needed to break free, but was she even deserving of that? Of being forgiven?
No!
Even so, Rowan had to make things right, for Tehri’s sake.
*****
After what felt like an eternity, the sun crept over the horizon, and Rowan stepped onto the boat with her father to the dissonant sound of birdsong.
“I know it’s early, Rowan, but it’s almost twenty leagues to Tærin. I’m sure you’ll be able to sleep on the boat, and this way, we can get a nice meal at the inn when we arrive.”
Rowan nodded glumly as they found some seats. Gyren wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she slowly drifted asleep, her guilt no longer enough to hold back her exhaustion. She eventually woke up a few hours later at around midday with her head resting on her father’s lap. It seemed as though he hadn’t even moved whilst she had been sleeping. He smiled down at her. “Feeling better?”
Rowan nodded in response, and she even felt that it wasn’t even that much of a lie. While it was still true that she felt pretty awful, a small speck of not-so-bad shined within, like a lone star amidst the sablest of night skies.
After a moment, Rowan decided to speak up and ask her father a question. “Am I a bad sister?”
“No, of course not,” he responded. “What’s brought this on?”
“Tehri’s depressed because of me.”
“That’s nonsense. We don’t know why she goes through her phases like she does.”
“But they never last this long,” Rowan said sadly.
“That doesn’t make it your fault.” Gyren sounded confused as he tried to rebut Rowan’s feelings of guilt.
“I made it worse by not spending time with her. She’s lonely, Da.”
“She is? How do you know that? Did she say something?”
“I felt it clear as day. It was like a terrible abyss. I can still feel it, and I know it must be so much worse for Tehri.”
“I can see why you feel it’s your fault then, but it sounds like you were just overwhelmed with empathy.”
“Like an Ardent,” Rowan muttered under her breath without even realising.
“What was that, dear?”
“I didn’t say anything,” Rowan responded with a confused look on her face.
The conversation didn’t progress much further after that, so instead of letting it drift into an awkward silence, they had a light lunch. They then spent the rest of the journey playing Ruun and a few other board games that were available for use on the boat.
They arrived at Tærin Port as the sun was setting, which was admittedly rather early at the beginning of spring. With a chill in the air, they made their way to the Twin Moons Inn, a rather wealthy establishment decorated in both blue and red. It was a design familiar to most of the larger cities on the island. Despite its splendour, however, it still paled in comparison to an inn of the same name in the capital.
When they eventually finished their dinner, it was clear that it would be too late to do any shopping, so instead, they decided to just go for a walk. It was a welcome distraction as they explored the city. Rowan was surprised by how different it felt. They were only twenty leagues away from home, yet it felt like a completely different world to her.
She actually found it intimidating with how much stone there was in the city, especially with the towering walls. That isn’t to say the city was grey. In fact, the stone buildings in the wealthier districts were surprisingly colourful as it seemed like each one was painted in a myriad of different styles and fashions. Unfortunately, some of them clashed rather badly as the owners apparently had no regard for their surroundings.
The city also seemed to have an aversion to greenery. Which is to say that there was a severe lack of trees or gardens. Much more value was placed on efficiency and packing in as much real estate as possible. It made sense with the walls making it difficult to expand outwards, but the few trees and feeble attempts at gardens didn’t quite cut it in Rowan’s eyes.
There was, however, one part of the city that truly impressed her, and that was Fountain Square at the centre of the Commercial District. True to its name, a fountain sat in the middle of the square, and it was clear that it was the pride of the city. The craftsmanship was flawless, and they had somehow managed to keep it in a pristine condition for whoever knows how long.
It had been made to show a beautiful depiction of a family of Tærans, the mythical race of people that the river and, by extension, the city had been named for. The Tærans were believed to be the original inhabitants of Llen Færa and the surrounding islands long before the humans and Ferrans arrived.
The spectacle of the fountain and the distraction of exploring the town definitely helped Rowan sleep that night. When she woke up the following morning, she thanked the Goddess that her sleep had only been restless and not haunted by nightmares. A part of her was even excited to go shopping after breakfast, though her heart still ached.
Breakfast that morning was short and sweet as they got ready to hit the town. Just before they finished, Rowan made a passing comment on how she had joked about asking for a teddy bear before disregarding the idea. Gyren hadn’t really reacted much to the suggestion, so she let it lie. He did, however, remind her that they had to meet with one of his associates at the Fel’Daarin Trading Company before they went shopping.
Rowan blanked out most of the meeting. She was sure it was riveting, but she just wasn’t in a state of mind to take much of anything from it in. Fortunately, all she had to do was look cute to help endear the chief manager of the trading company’s local branch.
All in all, she could have probably done a significantly better job in that regard, but that required a degree of energy and upbeatness that she was somewhat lacking at the time. She still put in the effort to hold a smile and to come across as being at least slightly curious.
Somewhat fortuitously, there was something of note to help in that regard by way of the chief manager’s surprisingly androgynous assistant. While a degree of androgyny wasn’t exactly unusual, that degree was pretty much unheard of amongst humans and Ferran.
The only clue Rowan had into the reason for it lay in the form of a soft violet tint to their skin which indicated Mirieli ancestry. Rowan had never seen a Miriel before. She had, however, read about their reflective, silvery skin, which obviously didn’t describe this individual, but that made sense, considering it was written by a human. Rowan’s eyes saw what humans’ could not. Plus, they were clearly not full Miriel, but they were close enough for it to show in their complexion.
Alas, a chance not quite meeting with another mixed-race individual of different ancestry was not quite enough to occupy Rowan’s mind for long in her current mental state. All in all, it just served as a momentary observation that she stored away for later use.
As such, Rowan spent much of the hour in which the meeting took place doing little more than twiddling her thumbs and wishing that they could be out shopping in the city. Thankfully, she didn’t need to wait for a truly unbearably long time for her father to announce that it was time to leave. From the smile on his face, the meeting was a success, though Rowan sensed it could have gone better.
When they finally left the Trading Company a few minutes later. Rowan felt like it was time for her own mercantile adventure. The first few shops were a bust; nothing in them called out to Rowan especially.
The artisanal bookstore was particularly depressing with its overly dressed-up books that seemed good only as tacky decorations for scholarly posers. Rowan was half convinced that was the only way those books were getting sold as the contents left a lot to be desired. Who wants to read about dangerous solutions that clearly don’t work for non-existent issues?
Rowan was starting to lose hope in the merchants of Tærin City and their wares when they arrived at a quaint Jeweller’s shop by the river. Unlike some of the stores from before, the jewellery on display was presented in a modest fashion and was clearly of very high quality. A set of earrings in particular caught Rowan’s eye. They reminded her of Kiriin, despite being a very different style. Still, the three rubellite studs, spiralling sapphire arrow, and amethyst flower cuffs called to her.
She also had another genius idea whilst browsing the store’s wares and when she heard that the attached silversmith took commissions, she knew exactly what she needed to do. After purchasing the earrings, Rowan took her father next door to order a pair of silver filigree bracelets.
While they would take some time to complete, Rowan hoped that she would be able to share them with Tehri when they were done; a peace offering to help bridge the gap between them.
After that, they visited a couple more stores and bought a few more things. When they eventually returned to the inn at the end of the day, Gyren surprised Rowan by giving her a small teddy bear. “I thought it might help,” he said softly as he handed it over.
Rowan hugged it close to her chest and cried a little bit. And then it was time to sleep. Tomorrow, their journey would come to an end, and they would return home. As Rowan lay in bed, she realised she was once again alone.
After a full day in the company of her father, being apart from him hurt even more. She clung tightly to her new teddy bear to try and banish the heavy burden of isolation and the rising feeling of nausea.
She clamped her eyes shut, hoping it would disappear. Instead, she only felt more anxious as voices from the common room echoed all around her. They spoke to her, and filled her head with dread. To Rowan, they were a chorus that sang a grim lullaby as she fitfully drifted off to sleep.
That night, Rowan lived through some of her greatest fears. Everyone was leaving her, walking away as if she didn’t even exist, or worse, in spite of it.
No matter how far she chased after her friends or family, even her enemies, they just drifted further and further away into a deep, impenetrable fog. All the while, the voices chanted within her mind, telling her that this is what she deserved, that it was only a matter of time.
As she reached the fog, the voices twisted into a cacophony, and the scene before her eyes shifted. Rowan saw herself crying in a field of blood, as her friends and family were killed again and again and again.
“Don’t let it end like this.”
*****
Since that night, Rowan barely slept, and what little sleep she did get was marred by the most horrific nightmares. Even so, she was still able to smile on her birthday, if only barely. And then spring passed into summer. Rowan kept her torment a secret from her family, fearing how they might respond, but they weren’t idiots. They could see the pain in Rowan’s eyes, and they did their best to help. It only made things worse.
On the night before the eclipse, Rowan felt like her head was imploding. It was too much, and when Kiriin tried to comfort her, she felt broken. Instead of feeling exhilarated when Kiriin kissed her, she felt sadness. Instead of feeling joy when Kiriin confessed her feelings, Rowan could only feel like it was a lie. Instead of responding with her own true feelings, Rowan lashed out.
She didn’t want to be alone, but her nightmares had convinced her that she would lose everyone, so she had started pushing them away, to make it quick, and then she couldn’t lose them anymore. It only made her feel worse, but there was no stopping it now, was there?
“Don’t let it end like this.”
There it was again.
