BoiteBiscuit
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And here I am!
🕑 Added 2022-06-01 15:37:58 +0000 UTCLast week I posted (Patron only) a text explaining it was very difficult for me to work lately, and even if it’s something I say every month in my recaps, I couldn’t do the last one and because of that I thought this time I had to explain more about the situation. I really sound like a broken record here, haha.
You’re all super nice and patient, and I’m so, so, soooo lucky to have you! Thank you.
When I expressed my frustrations and apologized again a few days ago on Discord about my lack of productivity, some of you told me it was 100% ok if I couldn’t update more, and that they were supporting me more to help than for the exclusive content (that I don’t have time to produce right now anyway)… but sadly, all your kindness and comprehension doesn’t make the guilt go away completely.
There is the frustration too. Because I want to create, but I can’t. I want to give more, but I have nothing ready. Just sketches, ideas in my head, a book almost finished, but not completely, everything in progress, unfinished.
It’s pure frustration.
And I’m glad, because sometimes I can work, and draw, but it’s like… 5minutes a day, then 3h 2weeks later. It’s little pieces of not enough time, but I know artists who couldn’t draw at all for a year after their first kid. So I’m glad. From September to February, I managed to draw regularly, that’s precious.
Lately? It’s harder.
I still have the same amount of time, I even have a bit more, I could draw exactly like I did those first 6months, but I can’t.
Because this « Free time » is redirected into something else : Try to find money.
And I’m trying all I can. I say yes to all paid opportunities, sent applications for exhibitions, open commissions, give my books to shops for sell (have to wait until they sold everything to get my money, and they take 35% commission), sell a few Rainette to students or via my online shop, sell old stuff of mine… etc.
If you remember my pregnancy announcement comic, I explained in it that the first year would be financially difficult, because I’ve quit one of my teacher job for mental health reason, and that I should have more classes starting September 2022 again.
Well, guess what: I won’t.
It didn’t work.
Money is a huge problem.
I’ll give you some numbers, it’s easier to understand with numbers.
Back in January 2021, I earned 1336€ only with my teacher jobs (plural).
In January 2022, I earned 646€ with my only teacher job left. It was an ok month.
In February, I earned 408€ only with the same job… And I had several 408€ months since I came back to work. Last month was one, for exemple.
Thanks to the French social helps, I get 175€ each month, and thanks to you I have around 150€ more each month too.
So, on my worst months, I earn 408 + 175 + 150 = 733€
In France, you’re considered poor when you earn less than 1102€ per month.
Every month I have around 600€ of bills to pay, and that’s with BF paying for my part of our appartement.
We have family who pays for our groceries once per month too, my parents own a farm and gives us meat and vegetables when they come to visit us (twice since September), everything my kid owns is gifts, or second hand by family and friends (except that stupid rug I’m screaming about on twitter for weeks now)… And writing this puts tears into my eyes. Thanks to them all we’re eating well. It could be so much worse.
But I want to go back to before and be able to pay for everything myself again.
I can’t take my old teaching job back. I’ve quit for a reason. And my spot is taken now anyway.
I didn’t get the new classes I planed too. So it looks like I’ll live a full year in this same mess again.
Let’s come back to the root of this problem.
It’s not Shrimpy. I dare anyone to say it’s because I’ve a kid now. It’s not.
I’m not poor because of the Shrimp. I’m poor because I’ve decided to quit one of my job just before I learnt I was pregnant. I could have kept it, backtracked, I could have continued to work every Saturday like I still work every Wednesday. I would have been more tired, but I’d be financially stable… and mentally… I still could afford my therapist.
Ok, being poor and in constant search for money is what prevents me from drawing.
But maybe being tired from Saturday classes on top of parenting would have prevented me from drawing too.
I’m really, really, really overthinking all this situation for a long time. It’s obsessing me.
It seems unsolvable.
Except that it isn’t. I’m with Shrimpy almost 24/7 for 8 months now. People with non creative works go back to work after way less than that, kids go to daycare, or have nannies.
Humans where never supposed to raise their kids TOTALY alone. I’m not supposed to be alone in that, and yet, except for 3 days a week when BF is home, I am.
Society, capitalism, blahblahblah… Erh. I’m freelance so it’s ok if I keep my kid home while (I try) working?
And I waited this whole time because I asked for a spot in daycare for September 2022 (long waiting list) only to learn 2 weeks ago they CANCELED my demand without warning me because there was something missing in my file. They had my home address, my phone number, my email. They didn’t warn me, or ask for the missing piece. I’m back at the end of the waiting list, daycare spot available « potentially » in September 2023.
I can’t live in that situation a whole more year.
And it infuriated me. I needed that. I needed that slap in the face.
I don’t know why we focused so hard on daycares??? When we have nannies too? And social helps? And I can ASK for help. A nannie costs around 460€ month before taxes, and depending of your situation, you can get up too 470€ of help. (I personally can get 296€)
I want to cry. So much time waisted because my mind was just numb from fear… and because I was tired, because I thought so HARD I fucked up when I’d quit my job, that I’d done the most selfish choice of all, or because I nicely waited, because I was told I was just supposed to wait for this daycare spot.
And you’re never told correctly about the help you can ask for. You know you can be helped. But culturally… if you ask for help, doesn’t it mean you’re too lazy to earn that money yourself?
Sorry, if I’m loosing it.
BF told me I looked like I was close to parental burnout. And yeah, MAYBE.
What is my miracle plan.
I called 29 nannies.
Met 3.
2 of them are super cool.
I’ll choose one carefully this week, hand by hand with BF.
Starting September, I’ll have 3 to 4 days a week totally dedicated to work.
It’ll be hard. I’ll have more bills because the help I’ll get won’t cover all of the nannie pay.
I won’t have more classes, I’ll still be poor. More 408€ months are to come.
However more time = time to give my all again.
Kickstarter Rainette Vol.2 this fall.
More updates on Patreon.
Rainette chapter 3 finaly.
Streams on Twitch again.
I plan to give drawing classes on Twitch, subs and I fix your drawing live. Things like that.
I didn’t get more classes? We’re « post » covid, classes can be an online thing too now. I’ll do my own thing. Why should I wait AGAIN. I’m tired of waiting.
I also have this second Patreon page project I can work on too. Easy money because I’d launch it only once everything is ready. 12 month project, 24 if I’m greedy. Pay for the update you want, not automatically each month. Sexy stuff.
Maybe nothing of that will work. Maybe I'll stay an out of the radar artist. Maybe 150€ per month on Patreon is my max.
But I'll try.
I’ll have to think about all that once I have time, this summer.
What’s less time consuming? Quality over Quantity. Mental health first.
That’s my plan. That’s what I’m doing backstage for months now. Thinking.
I’m so ready to take everything back in hands.
I just need the time.
And I’ll only get it in September.
Just a little more wait, the last I’ll allow for now.
Friday afternoon (France) I’ll go on my Discord vocal chat room, and you’re all invited to join.
We will talk more about all that, and I’ll listen to your ideas if you have more. :)
Thank you again for your support.
The 150€ I earn each month thanks to you help me so much.
Without you, I can’t imagine how bad things would be.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Bisc'
PS: I planed to make this post Patron only... But why? Why should I be ashamed of this situation? Why hide it when not only my Patrons may wonder why I'm not back yet? Why hide that I need as much support as I can?
There is no reason.
All help is welcome.
Comments
Agnes Leguillon
Pff cette crèche est vraiment horrible ! L'administration française... J'espère que pouvoir avoir des journées pour travailler te donnera de l'énergie pour tous tes projets.
Biscuit
Thank you so much! I'm not loosing faith. It'll get better ><
Kaikoveritch
Being a parent is hard. Being an artist is hard. Surviving within capitalism with little to no money is horribly hard. That you manage to juggle all of this is (to say the least) impressive and I am rooting for you!
