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Just another girl - Chapter 4
🕑 Added 2022-11-07 12:34:29 +0000 UTCThe holidays ended and we had to return to reality, even if it was my very strange reality in which I went to school only for boys, in which everything was a sin and everything was punished, the only thing they allowed and almost promoted were the fights between us for which I had earned the respect of my peers; Of course, it's not that I always won, sometimes I got hit hard, but between Karate and that school, I really learned to defend myself even though I was always one of the smallest and thinnest in my group.
At school, I was all macho, but I came home straight to change and get feminine and pretty to wait for my girlfriend Sandy and go out to play from 2:30 to 5:30. Almost every day we went out, and of course, if it rained, we just stayed home watching movies, dancing or very especially trying on new outfits or new combinations. Since we had no help from anyone else, unlike other girls, who rely on their mothers or sisters to learn, little by little we became experts in dressing up and combining our outfits. We experimented based on what we had available, what we saw in our sisters, in other girls, or on TV, if we liked it and felt that we looked good, it was the first step and the reaction of Anna and the other girls who little by little we got to know, they were the final verdict. Soon we became experts in dressing and grooming ourselves according to the occasion.
January and February were relatively cold, we always had the option of wearing jeans and sneakers with a jacket or sweater, but neither Sandy nor I liked them. We avoided them as much as we could, instead, Sandy wore long-sleeved dresses and some sweater on top, I put on some thick, white or pink tights under the skirt or the dress and on top I wore a girl's sweatshirt or hoddie, from In fact, one of my favorites was the one from Paris that my dad bought me.
Over time, Anna introduced us to other of her friends who also frequently went out to the playground: Anna was our age and height, except that her hair reached her mid-back and she almost always had a ponytail and fringe. Sarah had blue eyes and shoulder-length wavy blonde hair, was a little taller than us and I think she was the prettiest, Alexa and Erika were sisters, Erika was a little older and taller, with short hair, almost like a boy, always wore jeans and Alexa was the opposite, super girly, always in a dress and with ribbons in her hair. Other girls and a few boys joined the group from time to time, but generally, Anna, Sarah, Erika, Alexa, Sandy, and I were the group of girls who saw each other to play almost every afternoon.
There was no calendar of activities, we played everything. We really liked "girls" games like the elastics jumping game and we could spend hours playing it, it was ideal to play with dresses that we didn't want to get dirty, but we still played tag, you are it, and many times boys joined our group, other days we just jumped rope, rode a bike or rollerbladed.
They were very happy months, or at least they were very happy hours in strange months. At that age, many things were difficult or impossible to verbalize, but Sandy was still my best friend and the only one with whom I shared this secret. For our friends, and even for their mothers, we were simply Sandy and Valerie, but between us, we knew that what we were doing was not correct and that at any moment it would cause us problems.
During the spring, the days were getting warmer and with them, the stockings were over but short skirts, sleeveless tops, and strapless dresses arrived. Every day had special situations, maybe for the other girls they were totally normal, but for us everything was new. I remember one day that Anna, Sandy, Alexa, Erika, and I were playing the elastic jumping game until Alexa started dancing.
You want to go to the bathroom again right? I told you not to drink so much lemonade.
It was very hot.
And you can't stand it until we get home?
Alexa shook her head.
Okay, let's go, talk to us. Do you accompany us?
To the bathroom? I asked reacting like a boy
Yes, why not?
Come on, Sandy said.
We walked to the bathrooms in the commercial area, I really didn't need to do anything, but once there, I went into one of the cubicles, I sat down, and went through the process, before leaving I made sure to hide the bulge that bothered me so much and to adjust my skirt This might seem unimportant, but for me, it had always bothered me to have to go to the men's room, I always felt that I didn't belong there, so entering the women's room and being perceived as normal by everyone was memorable.
On the way back to my apartment, Sandy asked me how I felt about going to the girls' bathroom.
I don't know, it was much cleaner and tidier than ours, I told her, but above all, for the first time, I felt that I entered the one that corresponds to me.
Do you also feel that you should not go to the men's? She asked me.
Yes always!
Haha! I thought it only happened to me. She said.
We got home to change and wait. Two days a week I kept going to Karate by that time I was already a blue belt, and other days, sometimes I would go shopping with my mom and sister or have something to eat, and other times, when my mom and sister arrived, Carlos, he stayed more time in my apartment until it got dark and he had to leave, but during that time we used to behave like Mario and Carlos so that nobody suspected anything.
Our afternoon, those three hours a day were what we enjoyed the most of the day, and naturally, it took up more and more time on our minds. I mean, from the beginning, every time it rained, I spent hours after school thinking about what I could wear, and as I became more familiar with my sister's wardrobe, I spent more time thinking about combinations, shoes, and even the few accessories that I could wear, but in these months, we also had new roll models: Alexa was the girliest, but she was a few months younger than us, while Anna and Sarah were a few months older, and Sarah was in fourth grade as well as Being the prettiest of us all, her clothes and style were impeccable.
At first, we just watched her, and sometimes later Sandy and I would talk about how she moved or how she talked, “did you see how she runs?” or “the way she moves her head and hands while laughing?” Sometimes we tried to imitate her before changing when we got to my house, Sandy corrected me and I corrected her, but one day, Sarah arrived a little later than usual with a new dress.
Wow! New dress? I asked her when she was getting closer.
Yes, mom just bought it for me!
As she walked she did a 360-degree turn to show us the dress and kept walking as if nothing happened.
I'm crazy about you! I told.
They all turned to see me.
No, not like that, but I love how you walk and how you talk! I am a tomboy!
Of course, you're not a tomboy, said Anna. Right, Sarah?
No way! Just, sometimes you don't pay attention to some details.
I know, but my mom and sister are never there to teach me.
Neither does mine, Sandy said.
Would you teach us? I want to learn to be like you! I told them.
Her eyes sparkled. From that day we became their project, we kept playing everything, as always, but they began to correct those "details"
Walk with your legs together girl!
Close your legs when you sit miss! You look like a cowboy!
Move your hips, not your shoulders!
Cross your leg and be careful not to show everything!
If you drop something, bend down bending your knees, with your back straight.
In a short time, we learned at least the most important things, but it was a process of months in which we "perfected" I loved feeling that every day I was more of a girl, but at the same time it was difficult because before and after those three hours, we had to forget everything we had learned and go back to being the macho boys that our mothers (at least mine) expected.
One day Sandy asked me if I knew why we did that.
Because we like it. don't you think?
I answered him without thinking much
Yes, of course, I like it a lot but, why do we like it? Are we sick, are we sick?
I don't know maybe yes, because, I should be like the other boys.
But I don't feel like that, I can't be like them, she told me. I do have friends at school, but sometimes how they behave annoys me! I don't want to be like them!
I, it's not that I can't... but I'm sure it's not what I want either. The truth is I try not to think about this, but every day, after we change back to being boys, I feel like I'm lying. I told.
Have you thought about telling someone?
No no, I don't know. With my mom, I don't think it makes sense, do you?
I don't know,
That night, after my mom arrived and Carlos left, we began to dedicate time to the subject, and sometimes we would talk about it again.
The truth is that it was somewhat difficult to explain to myself, I did not like boys, and at that age, there were no big differences in the activities and games between boys and girls, there were some things in which boys did not participate because they were "for girls", but at the end of the day, we did the same things. The same we ran, jumped, rode bikes or skates, played tag, you are, or hide and seek.
With adults, it was a little more noticeable, when we went to buy things at Circle K, or at the stationery store, they did say things like: "What a beautiful girl" or when the boys joined us in our games, their mothers insisted that they be attentive or more careful with us girls, that they would not hurt us or that they would take care of us. That one, in particular, made me feel good when a mother told her son: “take care of the girl”, or “help her” even though I didn't need any help, I liked the feeling of being taken care of.
Other than that, as much as I tried to explore my feelings, it was very difficult to understand why I liked being Valerie, I loved the clothes, but there was something else, I just enjoyed "being a girl" and seeing myself as a girl, moving, talking and play as a girl; that everyone saw me as a girl, but, especially, to feel like a girl.
One afternoon, in the playground there was a party for a boy younger than us, like in first or second grade, but four older children were there, surely cousins or brothers of the guests. We were in third, they must have been fourth or fifth, they were taller and faster than us, that day I was wearing a short sleeveless denim dress and my white tennis shoes. They brought some balls from the party and we got organized to play dodgeball and split up to select the teams.
The leader of my team was called Roberto, he was almost a head taller than me, strong, with a square jaw, black hair, and honey-colored eyes. The first one he chose was me, then his cousin Jason, who asked him to choose Sandy, and finally Alexa.
Erika and Anna were left on the other team with Anthony and James. We started playing and everything seemed normal, but Roberto was close to me all the time, as if taking care of me, every time someone wanted to hit me with the ball, he crossed and caught the ball so that they didn't hit me. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you, stay behind me" he told me. On the one hand, I wanted him to let me play in peace, but on the other hand, I must admit that I was enjoying the boy's attention. At some point, to avoid being hit by a ball, I threw myself on the floor; He immediately came to ask if I was okay, he put his arm around me behind my back, he offered his other hand to support me, I hesitated for a moment, I put my hand on him and he practically carried me to stand next to him.
It was a feeling that I had never had, seeing him so close, feeling so fragile, so vulnerable, and at the same time so protected, I didn't even know what to say, I just kept smiling like a fool until someone asked. “Can we continue playing now or are you going to continue your romance?
I felt my face turn red, he laughed and we continued playing. That was it, but when Sandy and I were going back to my apartment, he asked me:
You liked Roberto, right?
Nope! I answered defensively.
Of course, you liked him! We all noticed!
You were drooling!
Well, yes, but it wasn't that I liked him.
Hahaha! So what? Did you like the clouds in the sky? She said mockingly.
Seriously! I don't like boys!
Well, you hide it very well girl! Anyone would think that you liked him a lot!
No, I mean... I did feel... I really liked that he treated me like that. It made me feel special. But I do not know.
Do you like Sarah? she asked me
Yes, I think she is beautiful, but not like that, I like to see her and I would like to be like her.
She looked at me weirdly.
Do you like boys? I asked her.
Obvious! Some… not all, but don't tell me Roberto isn't handsome! If you almost kissed him there in front of everyone!
I turned red again.
Of course not!
Of course, you did! You liked him! Haha!
She started running and I chased her. "You liked him," she yelled as she ran.
That night, I inevitably thought about the subject. I repeated the scene two hundred times in my mind, I tried to imagine what I would have felt if I had kissed him, I tried to get excited about the idea, and I remembered what I felt the day I played the wedding with Carlos. I came to the conclusion that I liked feeling this way and being treated this way. But the boys.
I think what really bothered me was that I didn't like them as much as I could like girls. That I didn't get excited thinking about them and they weren't attractive to me as it happened to me with some girls. Although with girls there was also always the element of wanting to be like them. Since then, and for a long time I tried to convince myself that I could make myself like boys, after all, in my situation, the easiest thing was to convince myself that I liked boys, otherwise, I would always be weird!
That was the internal conflict, with which I dealt alone at night; but I also had the external conflict. The one that happened in full view of everyone when Valerie manifested herself during Mario's hours. If I'm honest, from that time on, I didn't understand how my mom and sister could not realize something was up. At first, we were careful, we tried to keep the clothes in their place and hung or folded them just as we had found them, we also always tried not to dirty the clothes so that when my sister took them out, the clothes would be as if nobody had used them, and Since my sister wasn't super careful with her things, it didn't matter if the clothes were a bit wrinkled, but it wasn't always possible to store everything exactly as it was.
That was just one of the problems, another was the mistakes. When Carlos stayed later because his mother still hadn't arrived or just because we were halfway through the cartoon, we tried to be careful with how we behaved, but there was no lack of error (Sigmund Freud would call it Failed Act) in which Carlos would say things like, “Valerie: Can you pass me the salt?” those kinds of mistakes, of course, over the course of a year, happened several times, I could see that my sister noticed, but my mom didn't seem to notice anything.
My sister sometimes complained that her things were moved, once she left her room very angry, with my mom in front of me to ask me if I knew where her lip-gloss was; Of course, I put on a face of not knowing what she was talking about and my mom said to her: "Oh Ana, how is he going to know?" I just laughed silently but that prompted my sister to continue evidencing every mistake that we committed.
How odd! Have you seen mom? My headband has hair that is not mine!
Glaring at me.
Whose could it be?
My mom answered things like:
Oh my daughter, if you don't know, how am I going to know?
I think that deep down, or even on the surface, I also wanted my mom to realize it because the "mistakes" were more and more frequent.
What were my white sneakers doing under your bed?
Are these stockings yours or why were they in your drawer?
I cynically replied that I didn't know anything about what she was talking about. (As every man would)
Do you know who wore my yellow dress? It's dirty and I haven't used it.
No, how am I supposed to know? I asked her.
Are you sure you don't know Valerie? She yelled at me to provoke a reaction so my mom would have to hear it.
I felt myself turn red, but my mom just ignored all her comments.
Only you could have used it, who else? My mom told her.
It can't be that you're so blind! Ana Lilia said and went into her room.
The good thing is that this only happened when my sister was angry, when she wasn't, she didn't say anything. I remember one afternoon when I didn't have a karate academy and when they arrived, my mom didn't feel like cooking, which happened frequently, because she came home tired from work and didn't like to get into the kitchen, so she invited us to dinner.
I was wearing jeans, my tennis shoes, a T-shirt, and my Paris hoodie, which I never had to hide because it was a gift from my dad. The thing is, I didn't look particularly manly that night. We arrived at the restaurant, they sat us down, they served us water and the waiter began, as usual, by asking my mom.
Would the lady like to order an aperitif?
A Vodka tonic for me, please.
For the young lady? Addressing my sister.
For me a Coke, please.
And for the pretty girl?
I didn't even think about it, I answered with my most feminine gesture and smile.
For me a seven up, thanks!
The waiter left and silence reigned at the table for a few seconds. My mom changed the subject and started talking about the new products in which she was going to be an associate producer and her relationship with Adolf, which seemed to be going very well.
Now I understand that my mom was in total denial. She just didn't want or couldn't see what was going on with me, as I said before, we are talking about a time when the concept of gender was not even known, and being homosexual was one of the worst shames that could exist in a family.
Even so, a few days later my mom took advantage of a moment when we were alone to give me her “acceptance speech” that went something like this:
My friend Betty told me about her cousin, do you remember her? A very tall one.
No.
Well, she, a few years ago adopted a baby and when the baby turned 4, she organized his party with his classmates from kindergarten, and well, you know, everyone brought him gifts...
I listened to her without understanding where she was going with her talk.
Well, when the guests left, the boy was sad, and she asked him if he hadn't liked his party. My mom continued. The boy told his mother: "yes, but I don't know why nobody gave me even a doll"
I still didn't understand why she told me that.
So the boy wanted a doll? And why didn't his mom buy it for him? I asked for it.
Well yes, his mother with that understood that the child was, strange; homosexual, and then what a pity! But, if she has a child like that, there's no way to stop loving him, of course, it must have been easier for her because the child was adopted.
At about that time I understood that my mom's story was intended to be her acceptance speech. In a few words, "if you are homosexual, it would be a shame, but I would have to continue loving you, although it would be easier if you were adopted".
That was not all, a few days later, Adolfo went to visit the house and at night I heard them arguing.
Nope! That can not be! How do you tell him that you would still love him?
Well, what else can I do?
We have to get that out of his head! he has to become a man, please! If not, we will be the laughingstock of society!
But who cares? my mom asked.
Everyone cares! God cares! Said the religious fanatic. Leave it to me, either he'll take away his queerness or he'll go with his father to see what he does with his weirdo!
As you can imagine, it was not a good night. To the conflicts that I already had, this feeling of rejection was added. Until that moment, I had thought several times about leaving with my father and my brother, but on the one hand, I felt that it would be a kind of betrayal for my mother, and on the other hand, it meant stopping living there and separating myself from all my friends.
Shortly before the end of the school year, there was one more event that made things even more complicated.
