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Becoming Zandra - Part 6
🕑 Added 2022-11-18 13:22:01 +0000 UTCWe walked home together, arm in arm, laughing and joking. I came across a fellow fashionista. He looked and I was not sure whether he recognized me or not, but I did not care. Soon everyone would know, and they would gossip and remark, but I was free, free of inhibitions, free to do as I felt the need to do, to be the person I had longed to be. My support network of Jay, Gemma, and Sue has given me such confidence. It was a marvelous feeling, throwing off the shackles of my natal sex. At home I busied myself changing into my work gear. If I was early Gino said, I could eat there before work, so that would save me time and expense. I was greeted with real friendship this time, and the chef put up a chicken dish for me, with some green beans and a few sauté potatoes.
It was delicious. I looked at the bookings, just four tables tonight, Monday was usually their slowest day they said. My first table came in at seven fifteen, a party of six girls. Somehow that made me more nervous. Girls, I suppose, for their own self-preservation are more perceptive than men and well, boys notice hardly anything I found. I went through my practiced routine, my name is Zandra and I am your waitress for tonight, and they were soon laughing and joking with me. I got them on the wine and starters by the time the next table sat, three businessmen in their working suits and polished black leather shoes.
They were soon having a flirt and I was coy, looking sideways at them, smiling, not giving smart cracks in return, maintaining good-humored tolerance even when one attempted to put an arm across my rump as I served his main. I did that thing girls do, rather than move their whole frame, they just move their hips, like a toreador facing a charging bull. I just said, Uh! Uh! and smiled. I liked the attention. It showed that I was attractive and that my disguise was complete.
If it had not been they would most probably have hit me. They asked if I was a student, and I told them I was, studying fashion and this was a way of paying the rent and being fed. The evening progressed easily. I was much more relaxed and by just after ten, I was finished without feeling exhausted. I loved the work, meeting people, putting on the act, that nothing was too much trouble and it was a joy to serve such people.
Guiseppe called me and handed me another envelope. The girls had left a reasonable tip he said but the men had left thirty pounds for the ‘charming waitress’. ‘You see Zandra, first-class service gets first-class tips. Soon you will own this restaurant. Good girl.’ He rose and kissed me on both cheeks his stubble rasping against my skin. I stopped breathing, my first embrace from a man and I was thrilled to it, even though I did not fancy him.
What I realized, but somehow had always known, was that a girl’s or I should say, woman’s life is so much more filled with affection and caring and even love of everything in this world for, people, babies, animals, colors of a sunset, clothes, curtains, even a clean and sparkling sink. Now I was in this new world, I realized that I had always been right to want it, crave for it. The dysphoria I had endured was not an aberration it was justified.
My psyche could just not cope with a male world. As I walked home I turned things over in my mind. Would I love men, I wondered? I never had Alex. I had never had a crush on a boy, but now or when I have gone the whole way and had the right anatomy, would I love men or women? At the moment, the person I was closest to was Jacquie. I adored her, she fascinated me and she above anyone had influenced me. I didn’t know what would happen if I took hormones. How would that affect me? Would they turn me on to men, or had I already turned the corner in that one embrace and innocent kiss from Guiseppe?
The rest of the week went uneventfully. By day I designed four more designs. Thursday I was cutting out the patterns with help from our professor. She was interested in my change of direction and asked me into her office to discuss my backlog and whether I could make up for the lost time. I said I thought I could. She told me how sorry she was to hear of my loss. My unbearable grief had been understandable and they were all prepared to help me succeed. She asked me about the ear studs and she said, ‘I see traces of makeup.
Do you know what you are doing?’ I blushed. I was going to lie then I thought, I can’t because I had promised myself that when I walked in on Monday, my handbag would be visible and I would be in mascara and whatever else I fancied, maybe not a mini but perhaps a more femme attire than now. ‘Um, well, do you mind if I shut the door, Professor.’ I closed it. ‘May I sit?’ I sat opposite her, bit my lip, and took a deep breath. ‘I am living as a female, ever since I returned. I live with three girls who are all supportive and in the evenings I work as a waitress.
I have to tell you now because next week I was going to out myself anyway, come in wearing more girly clothes and openly use makeup.’ ‘And you thought you would tell me when?’ ‘Tomorrow morning. In the afternoon I am seeing the psycho. I want to find out from her how to go about changing sex, well I think that’s where I am heading.’ ‘You think or you know?’ Are you just sugar-coating for me here, making the change palatable?
Be honest.’ ‘I am trying to be, that is why I am coming out. I have to be true to myself and express how I feel.’ ‘But you haven’t answered my question. Are you changing your sex? There is no catch, I would just like to know.’ ‘It is hard, to be honest, but yes. I hate what I am, I have always wanted to be female, from my first memories.’ ‘And you are certain? This is not just a reaction to your mother’s death?’ ‘Oh no. I have always felt this way but buried it, mainly because of dad.
Now I am free to be who I think I am.’ ‘And the waitressing? How is that?’ ‘I love it and I am good at it.’ ‘Where?’ ‘The Old Kettle.’ ‘So what are we to call you? Alex, Alexis, Alexandra?’ ‘The girls have christened me Zandra, like Rhodes.’ “Very apt. I like your new designs. I knew something catastrophic, no I mean significant had made a change in you when I strolled through last night and I popped in to see what you were up to. Well now Zandra, you must do what you feel is right. I will support you here and if there should be any nastiness, you are to tell me. I don’t think there will be though do you?’
‘No, I feel quite secure and I am so happy at the moment, expressing the real me at last, that I am much stronger. I can deal with any fun-making or rudeness if there should be any.’ ‘Good. Let’s finish off the pattern-making. Then tomorrow you can start making up a design before your important meeting in the afternoon. I will write a note tonight, to take with you, just saying that you have my support and I recognize my duty of care.’ ‘Thank you, professor. I’m glad you know.’ ‘There has been a deal of talk, others have noticed.
Now I know how to deal with that.’ I told the girls that evening before I went to work. They were hardly surprised. I picked up my wages that evening, Nearly two hundred pounds plus a bumper forty-two pounds in tips. In a week I had become the top earner amongst the waitresses. On a table for two was my professor, with her, she whispered, unsuspecting husband. She too was very complimentary and so was he.
I arrived at the student psychiatric department with time to spare, dressed as Zandra, cobalt blue mini, black jumper, thick black tights, and four-inch heels. In my bag was a note of support from the girls and one from my prof. I waited in a sunlit room in a new block having told the receptionist my name, in this case as booked by Gemma, Alex Gregson. Eventually, a woman in her forties appeared and looking at me said, ‘Alex Gregson.’ I rose from my chair and walked to her. She allowed me to pass into the room and pulled the door, behind her. She looked at me. ‘I don’t know why but I was expecting a boy.
You don’t look like him. So tell me, what’s going on.’ ‘I am he, or should I say, was.’ ‘So tell me what has happened.’ ‘I always felt wrong as Alex but restrained myself while my parents were alive. It is quite a long story.’ ‘I have the time.’ I launched into my parent's tragic death, loss of the house, and living with my new housemates. I did not say that I was ‘converted’ by Jacquie, but said that they had helped me with makeup and clothes and I was now working as a waitress to pay the rent and keep myself.
I said that from Monday I would attend college as Zandra, and intended to change all my records to my new name. ‘So what can I do for you? I offer talking therapy for those who are disturbed about something in their life, or a referral to a specialist. You seem to know where you are going, but still, I believe you might benefit from talking it out. Is that what you are expecting from me?’ ‘No, well, not entirely. I sort of want your support, if anything should happen, if I were to, god forbid, be run over or arrested or something. And I need to have medical treatment, hormones, etc, so I would have to see a specialist about that wouldn’t I, or do you do that too?
I am sorry, I don’t really know what services you offer.’ ‘Yes, if you have gender dysphoria, then you need to go to a gender clinic, they specialize in cases like yours and if they are satisfied that you are convinced and convincing, they will offer hormone treatment and other treatments, like hair removal, voice therapy, fashion advice. They would eventually see you through surgery if that is the path you wish to tread. You mentioned arrest. There is no reason why you should be arrested is there? You are not involved in prostitution?’ ‘Oh god know.
I was thinking more like drunk or a driving offense, and they are not connected either.’ ‘I am relieved to hear that. Well, you are on my books now, so any questions from the authorities regarding your sex, I can vouch for you and say you are under treatment. However, my advice is to be safe and stay away from trouble. Do you consider that you are stable?’
‘Oh, I am now. A fortnight ago, I was anything but. I was a really unhappy bunny. Now, yes, I am content and I feel strong too.’ ‘Good. Oh, you have some letters for me.’ I gave her the two envelopes. And she opened and read them. ‘Well, you seem to have a good support network. Your professor has seen you working as a girl and was impressed. She says you intend to come out in your course from Monday and is willing to allow that, not that she really has a choice.
‘Your flatmates say you are just one of them and they are very fond of you but worried that you are not so far having treatment or official support. ‘It all looks very good. You seem balanced, you look, divine. I will give you a couple of my cards so that if for any reason you are in trouble, police or not, you can contact me to get you out of a cell.’ She laughed. ‘My advice is, stay out of the hands of the police, they are more PC than they used to be, but still have a way to go. In the meantime, I think you should see your GP and ask him to send you to the gender clinic. If for any reason you have difficulty, get in touch.
You are not alone, but I think you know that. I want you to make an appointment for a month’s time. I would like to monitor your progress, Zandra.’ I was dismissed. I made another appointment as she had asked. I went immediately to the GPs surgery where I asked for an emergency appointment. The receptionist wanted to know the reason and I just said it was personal and the University psychologist had sent me. That moved her, she spun off her chair and dialed a number. She spoke in hushed terms and asked me to take a seat.
I waited and at length, I was summoned into the consulting room of Dr. Mason. I had never seen him before. I found he was a young man in his thirties. He was looking at his computer screen. ‘I was expecting a young man. Is there something wrong with our records? I see you have not been to us before.’ ‘My name is Alex Gregson, officially male. I am now living as a female and working as one as well as attending Uni as a girl from next Monday.
“Oh, I see. This is a first for me. And your visit today is for what reason?’ ‘I need to start hormone treatment and I understand if I am to get that, then I need to go to the Gender Clinic in London.’ ‘Right, well I am certainly out of my depth, but referring you on is no problem and I take it, given how you look, fairly urgent? OK. I will get a letter off and then they will contact you directly. While you are here, I will just check you over.
Would you hop on the scales?’ He checked my weight, and heart rate and listened to my chest. I blushed when I raised my top and revealed a black bra that contained no breasts. ‘I think we will take some blood too while you are here.’ He typed information into the computer and the printer started to whirr. It produced a form. ‘I am writing to the clinic which I understand is in London. In the meantime give this to reception and they will find someone to take some blood. Good luck to you, but somehow, I don’t think you will need it.’ I returned to reception.
I sat and waited and a nurse called my name and I soon gave some blood. It was quite painless. I had set the wheels in motion on a voyage to a new life. It had all happened in a week, mostly thanks to Jay and her wealthy father. I had offered to pay some of my debt, now nearly four hundred pounds, but she had refused, becoming quite annoyed when I pressed. She was a brilliant girl. On the weekend we sought of did our own thing on Saturday. Sue and Gemma worked all Saturday. Jacquie was busy with her own stuff in the morning and reappeared at two. ‘What are you doing?” She asked when she came in and found me lounging with a book.
‘Nothing really.’ ‘Do you fancy a run out in your car? I know somewhere where we can see the river and have toast and tea, then get back and cook for the girls. How about it?’ ‘Yes, great plan. I’ll just go and tart a bit.” ‘I’ll come and watch, make sure you are doing it right.’ ‘Oh by the way Jay, a parcel came for you. I put it on your bed.’ She disappeared into her room and I heard the sound of tearing paper. She reappeared, her face full of humor, impish. ‘Look what I have for you,’ she said. ‘What the devil?’ ‘Breasts, to put in your bra, size B.
It will just look better.’ She unbuttoned my blouse and inserted them in my bra. I told her about the GP yesterday. ‘OMG, that must have been so embarrassing for you. How were you to know that he would sound your chest? I am glad you are taking action yourself. And you haven’t told me about the shrink either.’ I told her of all that happened. ‘You are much braver than I ever thought a week ago. So really serious now. And you are totally sure? I just feel this great responsibility.’ ‘I told you, you were merely the catalyst, I always felt like this, I was just frightened to express it. And I am going in on Monday as Zandra, I think the Prof is preparing the ground.
It will be a relief to be Zandra all the time. This thing is just snowballing and I am glad.’ She was buttoning my blouse. She looked directly into my eyes and kissed me on the lips. ‘The sister I never had,’ she said. I blushed red hot. I touched up my lips grabbed a jacket and my bag, my handbag, I loved it, loved having this emblem of femininity. We drove out of town deep into the countryside and ended up by the river, with the chalk hills behind us and a sizable stretch of river before us in front of the pub. There were a number of cars and a few walkers with dogs.
We entered and found a table overlooking the river. The afternoon sun streamed in the window. ‘Your hair glows in the sun,’ she said, and I glowed within too at this remark. She ordered for us. ‘So little cherub, Monday, the big reveal. Wow, I wish I could be with you. Look meet me at lunchtime at the cafeteria, and you can tell me all about it. When do you work again? ‘Wednesday through Sunday, five days, and then three days off.’ ‘And you are enjoying it still?’ ‘It’s really fun, yes, hard work but really lovely and I’m good at it. I make nearly as much in tips as pay.’ We lazed away the afternoon, gossiping, and talking about our families, difficult for me still. I told them about my cat and dog being rehomed. I just hoped they were OK, but there was really nothing I could do for them. We returned in time to make dinner.
