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Becoming Zandra - Part 2
🕑 Added 2022-10-12 13:20:07 +0000 UTC‘Hi,’ Jacquie shouted, ‘I’m in here with a friend.’ Gemma put her head in the door. ‘Oh, no Alex? Where is he?’ ‘Don’t know. This is Zandra, she’s an actress.’ I noticed this time she used the feminine of actor, a deliberate part of her subterfuge. ‘Oh hi, Zandra. She’s got you working. Jacquie! I thought you were going to take care of Alex?’ ‘Oh, I have. He’s fine. Helping me cook.’ ‘Oh my goodness. Alex! Is this you or has Jacquie been amusing herself? ‘She has been amusing herself.’ ‘Come here darling. Are you OK? Really, Jacquie, I asked you to look after him.
You changed him into a bloody girl.’ There was a giggle from behind Gemma. ‘Hi, Zandra. Let me see.’ Sue pushed her head into the kitchen. I turned to face them; putting down the pan I had filled with spinach. I put my arms out as if in resignation, my face burning beneath the makeup, and did my best to smile. ‘Wow, good job. I would never have known. I love the hair. She needs a bracelet and earrings. I’ll get some, I have some clip-ons.’ ‘OK girls, you have had your fun. I think I’ll change.’ I had to make some sort of stand I felt, for pride's sake. However, if I was more certain of my sexuality it would not have mattered would it?
It would just have been a great joke. Inside, I just loved it but I did not want them to know. It took me back to my childhood when such things were permitted behavior and my mother offered tender love. Later it had all become taboo, a shameful thing. ‘You don’t need to. Just be one of us, for tonight Alex.’ Gemma said, surprising me and even Jacquie it seemed for she turned to me and raised her brows. ‘There,’ she said, ‘approval.’ Sue arrived back and shouldered her way into the kitchen. She clipped on the earrings and fastened a bracelet around my submissive wrist.
It was arousing. I hoped panties and tights would restrain my auto reactions. Sue kissed my cheek, well each cheek. I burned up again. ‘OK girls, out of our kitchen while Zandra and I finish off. Dinner in five. Oh, red or white wine?’ She asked me. ‘Either.’ ‘Then I think we will make a night of it. Get the white from the fridge and we will have this red too.
Frozen tiramisu for afters, I’ll leave that out to defrost.’ Strain the veg Zandra, and we are ready to go.’ The girls had laid the table and we carried in the main course. ‘Well you two,’ Gemma said, ‘you girls have been busy.’ I blushed again. ‘I’m not usually like this.’ I insisted, ‘I’m Alex.’ ‘But tonight you are the delectable Zandra,’ Sue said, with an amused smile, helping us all to spaghetti. ‘Honest, I would not have known. Wasted.’
‘What?’ I asked stupidly, now liking the attention of these lively girls. ‘Your looks. I have forgotten what you look like as a boy.’ Gemma said. ‘Not you too. I thought at least you would protect me.’ ‘Oh no, you look after yourself, Zandra. Smile, you know you have enjoyed the attention and we have taken your mind off everything haven’t we?’
She took a photo. I blinked after the flash. I did not answer immediately. ‘Actually the best afternoon and evening, not just since the tragedy but for a long time.’ Gemma smiled and touched my nylon-clad knee. ‘Glad we have helped.’ The evening went from the dining table to being sprawled out, watching videos, and girlie films which I liked. In the space of a few hours, I had become part of this family, an honorary girl, a plaything. At bedtime, Sue took my makeup off with remover and surprisingly moisturized my face, then left me to brush my teeth. I said goodnight and went to my room. I looked in the mirror.
I still looked girlie. I still had the plait. I turned my head and it flipped like a whip. I felt the weight of it. I took off the clothes, reluctantly, and folded them carefully. I went to bed in my pants. It had been the best day for months, even years. Tomorrow I would be Alexander again. It had been fun but I knew who I was. Alexander, no longer tragic, but still confused.
Saturday and the girls were up late. I made breakfast from what I found, laid the table for four, and cleared up the kitchen from last night. When it was all spic and span, I got the vacuum out and did the downstairs. I even dusted. I remembered the terms of my lease as Jacquie had put it. I had to pull my weight. Jacqueline was first to appear, in pajamas, her hair mussed. ‘Hi Alex, was that the vacuum I heard? I thought I was having a nightmare.’ She looked around the kitchen. ‘You have been busy. So what is for breakfast, have you made that too?’
‘No, but we have eggs, I can do fried, scrambled, or boiled. Fried can be sunny or over easy or fried to a frazzle. Oh, I forgot, poached on toast too. Or porridge or just coffee or tea.’ ‘You really are a girl Alex.’ I must have looked embarrassed, for she added, ‘I’m only teasing. You are very sweet. Sorry about yesterday, I was awful to you. I don’t know what comes over me sometimes.’ ‘It’s OK. Actually, I enjoyed all the attention, something I have not had for quite a long time.
I needed a bit of bullying, leg-pulling, and pampering. You did all that. I forgot to feel sorry for myself.’ ‘And today?’ ‘I feel much more positive.’ ‘I’m going to have poached toast, then I am going to browse the Mall. Why don’t you come with me?’ “I’ll do the egg and make the toast. The Mall! I could browse for any jobs at the same time, see if there are any zero hours going.’ ‘Good plan. So are you going like that or what?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I mean the pigtail.’ ‘Oh, I had forgotten.’ ‘Yeah right.’ ‘I’ll undo it.’ ‘You don’t have to.
After all, you are a fashionista, a fashion student. You are encouraged to be different, aren’t you? I dare you to keep the pigtail.’ I thought a moment. Compared to most ‘fashionistas’ as apparently we were nicknamed, I was pretty square and uncool, my body unmarked by tattoos or piercings. I did not admit to myself, all the times I had self-harmed. Fashion students had all sorts of weird hairstyles from Mohican to shaved up one side, even a few pigtails.
I had wondered whether tattoos and very weird hair were a sort of self-harm. ‘Yeah OK. Easy dare.’ ‘You are quite different today, as though you have found yourself.’ ‘I think I have. I think I’m in love with being with you girls. Yesterday was brill.’
She looked at me again, sideways, as I placed her egg and toast in front of her. ‘Thanks, Zand.’ ‘You are a great tease, Miss Jacquie,’ ‘And you are a pretty girl, Miss Zandra Gregson.’ I laughed; it was impossible to be angry with this vivacious girl. She ate as I drank my tea sitting opposite. Somehow today I felt less inhibited. ‘Mmm. That was good thanks, Zand. Do you mind if I call you Zandra?’ ‘Why would you want to? Except to tease?’ ‘Because…I hope you won’t mind my saying, but you still look so girlie. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you, but I say what I think most of the time.
Actually, you fascinate me. Anyway, I know we are going to be great friends. I’ll get ready. Leave in fifteen? You know you can be whoever you want to be here. You are very girly, I mean the way you managed that mini skirt. Boys would just open their knees and let everyone see what they had up there. Not you. Do you want to do your face first?’ She was teasing again. I chose to ignore rather than refute her observations. ‘Fifteen minutes will be fine.’ ‘Need me to do your makeup?’
‘There you go again.’ How I wanted to say, ‘yes please Jacqueline.’ Instead, I laughed and blushed. I loved this teasing over my sexuality. ‘Go and get yourself ready.’ I cleared up and washed the things we had used so that when the others came down, it was all tidy for them. I went to my room and looked at myself in the mirror. Well, the pigtail was a bit of a statement. A ponytail was one thing, so awful on older men but frequently seen on arty men.
A plaited pigtail was something else. I studied my face. While my eyebrows looked more defined than they had been, they were I thought, just passable for a fellow my age. If the rest of my face was female, then I could not see it. I just saw a rather frail young man, not even handsome. I looked as though I had really been through a bad illness, with slight rings below my eyes, skin transparent and pale. I shrugged, selected some light pumps, and put my last twenty in my pocket.
That was the total asset I had left. We met on the landing. ‘How about some eyeliner?’ she said, ‘That’s something boys do.’ I considered. ‘OK.’ ‘Come.’ We entered her bedroom. She had a large double bed, it was quite girly and it smelled of her, her perfume, and whatever else she used. She sat me on her stool and deftly applied eyeliner. I turned to the mirror. I did look girly now. Shit, I said to myself. ‘I am going to replait your hair too.’ I put up no resistance. She was soon done. ‘Come on then Alex.’ She smiled her irresistible, innocently beguiling smile.
The fact that she had reverted to my boy's name reassured me. We walked to the mall and browsed the shops, and the women’s wear, discussing looks and seeing what was in. She tried on outfits and I felt the materials and looked at the cut. I asked in the shops about jobs, but there were no opportunities, not even zero contracts going. A university town had a great surplus of young eager and intelligent casual labor. I was just one more student searching for employment. Jacquie emerged from yet another changing room, giving back stuff to the attendant and shaking her head. ‘Coffee and a bun. Are you bored with this?’ ‘No, I like looking at clothes.’ ‘Why haven’t you tried any stuff on?’
‘No money and actually not a lot of interest in clothes for myself and we have been stuck in women’s wear.’ ‘Oh, OK, but you like looking at all the girl stuff; I mean for a boy, you have been really patient. You could try on a dress or some skirts and blouses, no one would remark.’ ‘What makes you think I want to?’
She just smirked, a Mona Lisa smile as though she knew some great secret no one else did. ‘I am a fashion student. Just as you watch people for mannerisms etc., I look at clothes. I find clothes infinitely fascinating, that is why I readily agreed to come with you. This is my first time shopping with a girl, it has been an education.’ ‘I did think you might have come into the changing room with me and tried something on. I thought you really enjoyed being a girl for the evening.’ I just blushed crimson and said nothing.
I was thankful for the cold wind blowing up the Parade. This girl was too perceptive I thought and then, I changed my mind to imaginative, for I really had no intention of repeating what had gone on last night as much as I would like to. She gripped my hand and looked into my face, a smile playing about in her eyes, lips moving infinitesimally. I knew she did not believe me but I reassured myself, I know who and what I am. Did I really? I was completely confused over my gender I realized in those moments that I could analyze myself dispassionately.
Here I was out with a beautiful and vivacious girl and I wanted to be her or her girlfriend. I did not think about sex with her. I did not think of forcing myself upon her, not even kissing her. Oh dear God! The pain was intense, and I hated myself so much. Was I mental? I am such a bloody mixed-up failure. We turned into a teahouse.
After a short consultation, we ordered toasted teacakes with cinnamon butter and a pot of tea for two. ‘So who am I out with anyway?’ I asked. ‘Me. Oh, you really don’t know me, do you? Daddy is Sir Ralph Coles, the MD of UK Trucking. They have all those big red trucks with gold lettering. Grandfather was a country squire in Suffolk and we still own the estate, but a tenant farms it. I have two brothers who are both at Uni after going to Eton.
I went to Cheltenham. Mum is on a few Quangos and secretary to the local hunt. We live in a large country house in Suffolk, Little Lettingham. I wanted to be an actress from the age of three. Daddy wavers between fearing for his baby girl, out among what he calls theatre people, and, being proud of me. There, so now we know all about each other, except that you have a secret that you are not divulging.’
‘What secret? I’m sure Gemma has told you all about the little nerd she grew up with at secondary school” ‘Actually no. She never told me that you enjoyed cross-dressing.’ ‘I don’t.’ ‘Then why are you still wearing my knickers?’ I looked down at my waistband and sure enough, the top of her knickers showed above the waist of the skinny jeans I was wearing.
I flushed. ‘I don’t know,’ I said stupidly, then, ‘I just sort of got out of bed and put jeans on. I was going to have a shower but I didn’t get round to it.’ ‘So you wore my knickers all night long in bed!’ She said looking cross. ‘Please keep your voice down.’ She giggled. ‘That’s acting. I was good, wasn’t I? You were really worried that I was upset. Still, that is really very revealing. I saw what you hid in your drawer yesterday too.’ I said nothing. Bit my lip and looked at some of the tourist leaflets. She left the table and went to the door, I thought doing a runner and leaving me with the bill. She read a poster on the door. She turned and spoke to the girl at the till.
She came away smiling. I was so embarrassed. She obviously already knew my worst secret. I tried to ignore whatever she was doing, confused and stung, and my inner secret was revealed. I thought she chattered about her course. I drifted off, my thoughts elsewhere as she chatted on. She knows and I have no money, kept revolving around my brain. ‘You are not listening.’ She kicked me. ‘Ouch Hey, what? That really hurt.’ ‘Well, you didn’t hear a word.
There is a job going here.’ ‘Oh crikey. I better ask.’ ‘Come to the loos first.’ She grabbed my hand and led me downstairs. I was about to turn into the gents when she shook me and put her finger to her lips to be silent. She pushed the door to the ladies and looked inside. It was empty. She pulled me in. What now I thought? This crazy girl! ‘This job is for a girl. It says assistant, but I spoke to the waitress while you were away in your little world.
They really only employ girls. You could pass.’ ‘What applies as a girl, work here as a girl? You must be crazy. There are all sorts of problems. Anyway, I am not dragging up each day to come here and I am not free in the day.’ ‘This place does dinners. All day teas, evening dinners, that’s when they want a waitress, a diner waitress.’ ‘Yes, mmm let’s see, slight problem, waitress, with a little black mini and white apron, a girl not a boy.
Then there are things like identity, national insurance number, tax, etc.’ ‘Oh sure, look you can use any name you like. Just tell them you are Alexandra and that the name is an error on your records. They are paying a good rate for evening work. Give it a go.’ ‘Even if the records are OK, I still have to get the job and I am a boy.’
