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Becoming Zandra - Part 3
🕑 Added 2022-10-21 14:05:50 +0000 UTC‘Look in the bloody mirror.’ I looked. Skinny jeans and T-shirts are unisex wear these days. I examined my head. The pigtail, blonde and shining, eyebrows neat and tidy. Pale skin. I looked what I was I thought, a weedy youth, girl. ‘I would never get away with it.’ ‘Let me tell you, you would. Gemma said last night, had she not known you and well, she would never have guessed last night that you were what’s his name, like, oh yes, Alexander.
Zandra is far nicer and pretty.’ ‘Did I really look that convincing?’ ‘Believe me honey chile,’ she said lapsing into a Southern drawl, ‘you look the silver dollar.’ ‘I need a job.’ ‘There you go. This is just super for you. I mean, five nights a week, every other weekend, six-thirty till eleven. The day girl thinks they get ten pounds an hour at night, plus tips. She gets eight for days but because she works in a club two nights a week which pays better, she doesn’t want this.
Otherwise, she says, she would do it. The boss is good.’ ‘So how am I going to apply?’ ‘Well as you would do, but I think a little improvement is needed.’ Jacquie was already with the makeup. Eyebrows and mascara and pale pink lipstick. ‘You’ve done it again.’ ‘Wait, one more thing.’ As if by magic and some wriggling, she pulled her bra from one sleeve. ‘Get in the cubicle and get that on.
Put some toilet tissue in the cups, it will make you so much more authentic.’ I did as she ordered. I emerged with bumps in the right place. We giggled and she squirted me with perfume. ‘Go get ‘em, Zandra.’ ‘Zandra, right. I’ll use that.’ We climbed the stairs and I went to the counter. “Can I apply for the evening job?’ I said to the girl. She looked at me. ‘
I’ll speak to the boss. Hold on a sec, take a seat there.’ She disappeared through a door. She reappeared and went back to her place at the counter. We waited. After five minutes an Italian-looking man came to the office door. He was about forty, not unattractive. He looked at me then did that thing Italian men do when summoning people, and lifted his head.
I made my way to the office to find him already seated inside, even so, I knocked on the glass on the open door. ‘Come sit signorina.’ That sounded so strange and I thought I was going to be sick. My heart beat so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I could hardly breathe. How would I ever speak? ‘So you want to work.’ I nodded assent. ‘Your name.’ His accent was very Italian. I wondered in a flash if I crossed him, would the mafia be on my tail?
‘Zandra, Zandra Gregson.’ ‘Nicea name. If you take this job, then it is five nights a week, every second weekend. You do not phone in with excuses, we must have staff. It is busy. It's hard work. You understand?’ ‘Yes sir,’ I said, keeping my voice light. ‘You need to dress right, white blouse, black mini, black tights, nice patent shoes. Clean. We provide the aprons. You must be neat and tidy, and make up your face. Varnish the nails. We like pretty girls and pretty smiling girls get tips.
You must be polite to the customers, and respond if they talk to you but you have to manage your station. All customers have the right to good service. You can do this?’ ‘Yes sir.’ Oh god, what was I into now. It was so frightening. He could see how nervous I was. ‘You are nervous, like a little rabbit. Sometimes that is good eh, you try harder. You want the work?’ ‘Yes sir, please.’ ‘Guiseppe, Zandra, my name is Guiseppe.
We need your National Insurance number or your medical card when you come. You start tomorrow yes?’ “Yes, Guiseppe.’ ‘Buono Zandra. Tomorrow, you dress properly.’ I left the office, face burning. Jacquie had disappeared. I went outside and found her there. ‘Well, Zandra?’ ‘Yeah, I got the job. Start tomorrow. What have I done?’ She giggled. ‘You can do it. What is the money?’ ‘Five nights minimum, six-thirty till eleven, every other weekend.
Ten pounds an hour plus tips, my own station.’ ‘Wow. We will have to put your rent up.’ ‘I have to get things and I have only about ten pounds. To be truthful, I have a twenty but I need some money for lunches. Will you help me?’ ‘Oh, this will be fun. I’ll lend you the money. Come on we have two hours. Let's go to H&M first.
What do you need?’ ‘Black tights, black mini, white blouse, patent shoes with a heel, preferably not stilettos he says for his floorboards.’ ‘And a bra and knickers. Superb.’ ‘You are demented Jacquie.’ ‘You are the one cross-dressing!’ ‘You are the one so gleeful. I need the money.’ ‘I am waiting for you to be truthful, with yourself if not me.’
We entered the store and Jacquie thrust a basket into my hand. We were soon in the underwear section and she was pulling knickers off the rail and throwing them in the basket. Then a couple of blacks and two white bras. I had no way of knowing if they were suitable. Next, we picked up three different white blouses, really quite nice, little lace collars and pretty buttons, and a couple of black minis that looked ridiculously short. Could I ever wear something like that?
I suddenly knew I wanted to try. It was an exciting prospect. I was very excited now. But with a skirt that short, would I show more than I should? We entered the shoe section and browsed the racks, eventually selecting three pairs to try. Two were OK and stayed in the basket. We went to the changing room, taking in just the blouses and skirts. Jacquie came in with me. ‘This is so embarrassing Jacquie. Are we mad?’ ‘You need money. There aren’t that many jobs.
A zero-hours contract might mean you earn nothing. This is regular, plus tips. And you know, you’ll fucking love it.’ I tried on the clothes in front of her appraising eyes. They glinted. The minis were fine but the blouses were tight. She vanished, to come back with the next size up. They proved fine if a tad over full. ‘Good, now for your tights. This is such fun, Zandra.’ She surprised me again with a kiss on the cheek. We picked up tights on the way to the till.
She paid. I was now worse off to the extent of sixty-three pounds. ‘We need the loo,’ she said and dragged me into the ladies and into a larger disabled toilet. ‘OK. Get your kit on!’ ‘What now?’ ‘Yes now, get used to it.’ She was tearing off labels. ‘I’ll have my bra back too.’ I stripped and gave her the bra She handed me a new black one having torn off the label. I managed to put it on as she did. She seemed to have no modesty in front of me, baring her breasts towards me. ‘Knickers,’ she commanded and I replaced her pants with the black and lacy knickers.
For once she remained quite serious. ‘Tights.’ I sat on the disabled seat and put the tights on. The blouse and skirt followed. Lastly the shoes. ‘Done! My look at you. Those legs.’ She repacked the bags with my cast-off clothes and we left the cubicle. ‘I just thought, you must have a bag and some sort of coat. ‘New Look,’ and she marched me along the mall and into the store. I tried on six coats before we found one she approved of and then allowed me to pick a bag, black patent, making sure it had the required compartments.
It was beautiful. Was I going to be the owner of such a lovely item of girl attire? She paid another thirty-seven pounds. ‘Oh, makeup. Come on, we just have time to get into Boots.’ There we made straight for the makeup section. She chose more items. I then owed her another thirty-six pounds. ‘Phew. That’s you then.’ She stopped at a seat in the Mall. She pulled the coat and the bag from the plastic carrier.
She ripped more labels off, using nail scissors to cut the hard nylon tags. ’Wear your coat it’s cold out there.’ I put it on and buttoned it up. It had a round collar and flared out, reminiscent of the fifties styles. I simply loved it. She was already stuffing my bag with cosmetics.
She arranged the strap over my shoulder and the black patent bag hung at my side. I looked at myself, using a shop window as a mirror. I was wet, I could feel that in my knickers. I realized that I loved myself as Zandra. I had never loved myself before. I examined myself minutely. Even I could not see Alex. Jacquie stood studying me. Her face was serious.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I was right.’ ‘What about.’ ‘Everything. Look, you don’t need to pay for all this. My present to you. You like things don’t you. Don’t! Do not lie to me Zandie, or pretend. No fakery. I know you do like how you look like Zandra. I know you have some girlie stuff already and that is our secret. I just hope I have done the right thing.’ She kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand. ‘I feel so close to you.
Home Zandra.’ She put her arm through mine, making me put the shoulder bag on my other side. She stopped and kissed my cheek, then continued walking holding my arm tightly. ‘Are you OK?’ She asked. ‘I am sort of dazed. What have I done?’ ‘Well, too late now. Guiseppe expects and I have invested £136 in you. You can do it girlie.’ ‘I feel, I don’t know, ashamed, but at the same time thrilled and excited.’ ‘Don’t worry about it. Why ashamed?
You are who you are. There is no human on this planet who is perfect. You are not a pedophile, a murderer, a thief, or a philanderer even. Get it in perspective. Who are you harming? Here we are, home. Has it been an exciting day?’ ‘Exciting and terrifying. You are an exceptional girl.’ We entered. Sue and Gemma looked up and saw us, saw me, and looked shocked.
There was a boy with them. Somehow they controlled themselves. ‘Hi.’ Gemma said, ‘This is Tim, Jacquie, and Zandra.’ I managed a quick hi, turned with my bags, and went up to my room. I put the bags on the floor and lay on the bed. I stayed there after I heard the door bang and then heard raised voices. A knock on my door and Gemma stood there. ‘So what has she done to you now.’ ‘I’m dressed for work.
I have a job and a steady income. I had to be a girl to get it.’ ‘And you are OK with that.’ She sat on the bed and took my hand. ‘It seemed a solution.’ ‘OK. Cards on the table. No pride, no lies, no judgments.’ She looked through the shopping bags, pulling each garment out and laying things on the bed. ‘The full kit, including bag and makeup. Do you like being Zandra?’
I felt my face turning pink. ‘I, yes Gemma, actually, I do, I mean, it is not something I have done before in public, well not since a child, but I have always cross-dressed. It seemed a way to get some money and I haven’t a bean. I can’t explain, except to say, as Zandra I have left all Alexander’s troubles behind. I feel free, if vulnerable.
It’s hard to explain except to say, I think meeting Jacqueline has been the best thing in my whole life. My world has burst into technicolor after a period of sepia. Don’t be angry with Jacqueline. She saw right into my soul.’ I found her arms around me, holding me tight and she kissed my cheek.
‘Poor Zandra or Alex. Well, I suppose I mustn’t be hard on Jacquie then.’ ‘No, please don’t be. Look if I had not wanted this then really, would I have been so malleable that she could persuade me against my will? You know me pretty well. I was strong enough to resist the school bullies.’ ‘OK. So have you thought this through? At college, you are Alexander, at night Zandra.
Can you continue like that?’ ‘I’m in fashion, we are all quite weird by your standards. Piercings, tattoos, weird dress. I am about the straightest person in my year. If I go all unisex, no one is going to turn a hair. Even makeup. Fashion is a weird world.’ ‘But at night, you have to be a convincing girl. You need work, particularly speaking, girls speak an octave higher at least, and from the throat not the stomach.
Their voice rises up and down for emphasis and effect, men just drawl in monotones. Girls enunciate. And your body, your arms are too hairy and I can see a bit of stubble. ‘Oh. You are freaking me.’ ‘Are you really going to do this?’ ‘Yes. I have to. Actually, I want to.’ ‘You have to and want to? So this is not some aberration, a whim, a jolly jape? You want to go down this road, cross-dressing?’
‘Yes. Please don’t hate me?’ ‘Of course not.’ There was silence between us while she thought about it. ‘Right then. OK. A friend has a laser machine that if used frequently, will get rid of the beard, but that will be permanent. Is that what you want? Just how far are you going to take this?’ ‘I don’t know. For the time being, while I need money, I will lead a double life.’ ‘Yes but the voice, movement, stubble, that will not wait.
I suppose, well, you do move like a girl anyway and you look like a girl. It is mainly speech and hair. Your arms are not that bad. Just your face. ‘We will all help you. Jacquie and Sue will go to get a takeaway. Let’s go down, pick what you want to eat from the menu, and you and I will get things ready. After dinner, you will have some coaching.
Tomorrow my dear friend Zandra, we are going to wax your body, so be prepared for pain. You will have to shave before you go to work in the evening, but you need to use the laser on your face and get rid of that hair permanently. ‘Then there are other considerations.’ ‘What?’ ‘Well are you going to medicate, hormones. How far are you going? Or is this just an adventure?’ ‘An adventure.’ She looked into my face and said nothing, her face completely inscrutable. ‘Truly?’ ‘It may be more, I don’t know.’ ‘’I think you do.
