Malcolm Tent
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Wish upon the Stars chapter 971
🕑 Added 2025-09-10 19:29:16 +0000 UTCIt was the day of the ceremony. Not my coronation. That had been made clear. The actual anointing of my position would be undertaken at a later time, in front of a LOT more people. This was more of a confirmation. An award ceremony for the succession war rather than a passing of the torch as per the leadership of the faction.
Still, it felt…weighty. My thoughts from earlier felt heavy, but unfinished. I hadn’t really come to any conclusions, had I? Hadn’t really made a decision. I had reframed my way of seeing my journey, but not myself.
So, as we sat in the shuttle (after stockpiling today’s scrolls we’d set out immediately), heading to the ceremony, I took stock of myself, and more than that, took stock of everything else. My mother, who was sitting nearby, looked a little worried, clearly able to sense some of the uneasiness in me. “Are you alright, Shane?” she asked me quietly. I felt a shift in the world that told me she’d cut us off from the surroundings so we could talk privately, which I appreciated.
“Just thinking about change,” I said philosophically. “About how inevitable it is. Zeke is a big fan of just surrendering to that. Accepting who you’ll be and abandoning the past. At least in some ways. But I want something more…permanent. When I become a god, and I do think it’s a WHEN at this point, I want to be more me than just a generic deity. So I need to keep something. And I feel like committing to one path or the other is going to impact me heavily, and I have no idea how or how much, so…what do I choose?”
She smiled at me warmly. “Ah, the old growth vs. self debate,” she said with a chuckle. “An old Ascendant standby. I can’t tell you the answer to that, I don’t think anyone can. But I can share my point of view, if you’d like.”
“Please,” I said with relief. “Anything would help. I just feel like this ceremony marks a huge milestone, and that I need to…understand who I am before it happens. Like I’m locking in a choice that I can’t take back. I might just be imagining things or being paranoid, but it feels like my Fatewalker sense pushing me to make a call. So what is my priority? Being myself, or being the best me I can be? And are they really incompatible?”
“You know,” she said introspectively. “I don’t think they are. I used to buy into that myself, but as I’ve grown, I’ve had a much different experience than Ezekial.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “And what is that?”
“People like to talk about the self like it’s some…intrinsic thing. Like your base nature is bedrock, and it can either be changed or worn away.” She chewed on her lip, like she was trying to put something difficult into words. “But that paints a person’s fundamental nature as something static. Rigid. As much as we talk about people twisting, or warping, or breaking, they don’t REALLY ever do any of those things. Recursion can beat and bully us into ACTING a certain way, but not BEING that way.”
I grimaced. “But how does that help? If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck-”
“Then it’s still a person, albeit one who has an unhealthy fascination with ducks,” she said bluntly. “The nature of self is not rigid, or unbending. Not unless we allow it. Humans aren’t bedrock, we’re more like…water. Water can change shapes, it can be compressed, it can be mixed with other things, but no matter WHAT you do to it, it doesn’t STOP being water.
“What people in the Ascendant world mistake for being brittle is just being cold.” Her eyes were warm and alive. Blazing with righteous fervor. Like she was sharing a fundamental truth of the universe. And maybe she was. “They let their water freeze, and as such it can shatter or crack. But it doesn’t stop being water. They just think it does. And that’s fundamental Shane, it’s KEY. Because you’re only as brittle as you let yourself become.”
She reached out and put a hand on my chest. “This is what makes you who you are. Not your power. Or your mind. Or even your soul. Just this. Your heart. The heart has a voice, Shane. It has a song. And we can hear it if we listen. It doesn’t change. Not really. Not unless you let it freeze over. Just listen for that melody, and it’ll never lead you astray. No matter how different you may talk, or walk, or look. As long as you can still hear your heart, you’ll always be you. The things that define us aren't what we say, or even how we behave. They’re who we LOVE.”
I blinked. Because…that felt right. It reminded me so much of the Ruined Soul Temple. Of that long walk in the endless dark, where they stripped away everything that I was.
That had been a formative experience for me. It had shown me I could be strong without the people I cared about to lean on. Helped me break my shackle and advance my soul. But what if that WASN’T what it was trying to show me.
What if the important part wasn’t how I dealt with the end, but the journey to actually get there. The fact that even as I stripped away all my senses, memories, and everything else, my love had still been there. I’d realized even then that it meant I would never be really alone, and that it could be a strength, but it was more than that, wasn’t it.
I’d thought I needed to abandon my friends to regain my sense of self, at least in some way. But wasn’t my mom saying the opposite. That my friends WERE my sense of self? That the version of me that loved the version of them that I did would never change. Impressions were only as strong as the material they were made in, but love was…it was a material that took an impression of both sides.
Friendship, marriage, family, these things captured an image of me. I loved who I loved because of who I was, and because of who they were, and because of who we were to each other. But all of those things meant that the emotions I felt kept an image of that person. To love someone I had to remember the person I was when I developed that affection, and the person they were.
And linking my sense of self to just one of those impressions, even Callies, would be unhealthy, and honestly kind of weak. Depending on just one person to hold up your senses of self, no matter how much you loved and trusted them, was a burden too cruel to put on someone you truly loved.
But I didn’t NEED to do that. Because that wasn’t what she’d said. The heart wasn’t just the feelings you shared with one person. It was the feelings you shared with ALL the people. It was the impression of the me who fell in love with Callie, who met Benny and became best friends with him, who let my parents back into my life despite all the hurt between us. My heart was a thousand versions of me all mashed together, and it was greater than the sum of its parts.
Because people really were like water, in a way. We could move and shift and reform, but we still showed the reflections of the things around us. And as long as I could see those reflections, I could remember who I’d been when I first gazed out at them, and I’d always be able to find my way back.
And that thought, oddly enough, seemed to unburden me. To set me free of the fear and the cloying worry. Not about becoming the Wishmaster, though that had been part of it. But of UNBECOMING me.
Except I couldn’t do that. My friends wouldn’t let me. I wouldn’t let myself. Recursion might change the way I thought, but it wouldn’t change the way I felt, and it could never change the way I HAD felt. No matter how simple the Ascendant transformation wanted to make us, humans were not simple creatures. And recursion’s most dangerous trick was making us think we were.
I glanced up to see my mother grinning at me. “That helped a little, huh?”
“It did,” I agreed. “It’s not what I’ve been told before. I don’t think Zeke would agree with you, or even dad. But…I do.”
“Oh your father agrees,” she said nonchalantly. “He’s just too stubborn to realize how he feels.”
I grinned at her. “I don’t know if that’s how it works, but you know him better than I do. Speaking of which, you never mentioned where you thought we should go on our honeymoon. I’d have expected you to weigh in.” I felt…settled. I didn’t need to ponder my existential makeup anymore. I understood now. So I could change the subject.
She just snorted at me derisively. “I DID. I just didn’t do it in front of all your friends.” Her tone softened to a happy lilt. “I invited Calliope back to the holy dominion, to the planet where my father’s clergy lives. The planet where Chelsea grew up. I thought you two might enjoy the chance to see some family history and get to know your grandparents in their home environment.” She winked at me. “Don’t tell her I told you though, I think she wanted it to be a surprise.”
I blinked in shock. I…hadn’t even considered that. I mean, I definitely wanted to do it. I wanted to see my sister’s home, meet some of my uncles (who my mother rarely talked about) and just generally learn more about my family. But this was supposed to be Callie’s honeymoon. Knowing she had abandoned the chance to see all those amazing planets and places so I could learn more about my family history.
Turning to stare off into the deeper parts of the Shuttle, I smiled at Callie, who was chatting excitedly with Nat about Perit’s return. My heart warmed, and my mother chuckled. “Like I said, sweetie. Follow your heart. It won’t steer you wrong. And I think yours in particular has excellent taste.”
That drew a long, happy laugh from me. A laugh that was sadly cut short by a shift under us as the shuttle slowed down. My mom dropped the shield around us, standing to prepare to disembark. “Good timing though. Seems like you figured things out just in time to be ready for what comes next.” She grinned wolfishly at me. “You ARE ready, aren’t you?” I could tell that she wasn’t worried about me anymore, and had moved on to delighting in my misfortune. Lovely.
I stood, stretching a bit as I prepared. I didn’t need to do it, but it helped me mentally shift gears before we got off. “I think I am,” I said lightly. “As ready as I’ll ever be anyway. How about you, ready to be the mother of the Wishmaster? What do they call that anyway, the Queen Dowager?”
She recoiled in horror. “What? Oh, gods. Don’t say that. It makes me sound ANCIENT.” I turned and headed for the exit, and she followed after me, calling desperately. “Shane? Sweetie? You’re not going to tell people to call me that are you?”
Callie stepped up beside me as I disembarked, threading her arm in mine. “Queen Dowager?” she asked in amusement. “Don’t you think that’s a little mean.” I could see from the twinkle in her eye that she wasn’t really bothered, but I still felt the need to defend myself.
“You DO remember her whole speech on you probably having twins when we have kids, right?” I asked her mildly.
Her eyes narrowed. “As a matter of fact, you might be right. Queen Dowager does have a nice ring to it. Or hey, what about Queen Mother? Or respected elder? Something that really underscores her wisdom and experience.” We both tried not to cackle at the wordless wail of despair my mother let out from behind us. We were not successful.
Comments
Anime Problem
Now they just have to mess with Shane's dad by giving him the title of respected clerk.
thaughton2
I think that was unironically the best argument for love being the most important emotion I've seen.
