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Tutorial Rewrite 116
🕑 Added 2023-02-15 15:47:11 +0000 UTCA bit more than doable, as a matter of fact. With our forces combined, the chimaera was doomed from the start.
At first, she stupidly wanted to just zap it with lightning and stuff, but I was able to eventually dissuade her. After all, I can’t exactly have her lightning go and stain—or even worse, burn—my lovely new hide, can I? More surprisingly, however, was that she apparently did not have any buffing spells. I’m serious. I tried to get her to buff me or something, but she just didn’t get it. Not even when I explained the very basics of functional PvP did she understand the simple fact that having attacking spells alone is a shitty strategy.
I mean, with nothing but attacking spells, you basically have the same strategic might as a seven-year-old playing pokemon. It’s dumb, but at least her stunning spell was able to briefly immobilise it, allowing me to get a few hits in. It wasn’t entirely easy to only go for its stomach, but once I got it nice and open, the rest was a cakewalk.
<Chimaera (Lv.59) Defeated.>
<[Level Up]>
<You have reached Level 57.>
<Agility has increased by 4.
Strength has increased by 6.
Stamina has increased by 6.
Magic Power has increased by 2.
Disassemble has increased by 1.
Burn Resistance has increased by 1.
Acid Resistance has increased by 1.
Corrosion Resistance has increased by 1.
Maul has increased by 1.>
The creature gives one last, sighing breath before finally falling over, dead as dust. About time, too.
The witch paces up behind me, hands hooked around her waist. “Alright, the menace is dead, alongside half my laboratory.” I glance up at her. She makes a thoughtful face. “This is the moment when we fight each other, right? I’m in pretty good shape, still got some divinity running through my archeries despite the Gods apparently hating me, so what say you?”
I look back down at the chimaera before returning my eyes to her. Lifting my hands, I form them into a capital T-shape. “Time out,” I say, jerking a thumb at the chimaera. “I need to skin this monster thingy ‘cause if I don’t put it in my inventory then it’ll just disappear once I beat this stage by killing you, and I don’t want that to happen ‘cause it’s a really cool skin and I just spent a lot of time for it, so can we just, like, take the fight in five minutes or something?”
She blinks at me and purses her lips. Then, she shrugs. “Well, I don’t see why not. Oh, but only on the agreement that I get to charge up all my spells in the meantime.”
“Fair’s fair,” I reply and turn to the chimaera, already stabbing my claws into its soft bosom. Fingers half-sunk into its pancreas, a thought hits me and I look at her over my shoulder. “Hey,” I say. “How come you’re so cool with me being here to kill you and stuff? Most people don’t like it when I come to kill them.”
With the tips of her fingers pressed together and her eyes closed in some sort of meditative trance, she briefly peeks one open to look me up and down. “You’re assuming that I won’t be able to kill you first” In response, I simply nod at her because obviously, I’ll be able to kill her. “Unsurprising. Nevertheless, the simple fact is that I have been waiting for you. Maybe not you specifically, but those detestable Gods sent me a sign. A very obvious one, actually.” I can tell she’s about to launch into a long tale because her voice shifts into that standard storybook one, slightly wistful and all that. “I got a parchment sent to me. It was only… Yes, it was only a few hours after I had kidnapped the princess and taken her imbecile saviour-to-be as well. I can’t believe the Split Horizon Empire would be so foolish as to only send their youngest prince all willy-nilly with nothing but a sprint drake and an heirloom sword. Can you believe what they let their kids get away with nowadays?”
“Apparently, though,” she continues, “that was the last straw. Who would have thought it? Here I go, kidnapping and transforming random passersby and army men for three hundred and a half years, but the second I bring in some little spoiled golden-pacifier brat and her yet-to-be honeybunch, that was apparently one step too far.”
“Those gods…” I mutter, shaking my head back and forth. “Bunch’a pricks, that’s what they are.”
She gives me an odd look. “Really, I had expected someone more… devout. Though, all and all, this is far from worse. In fact, I believe I prefer this. Had they sent one of those lanky rose knights, I might actually have done myself in instead.”
Humming, I remove the chimaera’s lungs and stick them into my inventory. After this is done, I should definitely compare the flavour of these things to regular goblin lungs. You know, because… science?
As I dissect the chimaera, trying to little avail to figure out how to handle the wings, the witch creeps up from behind. “Not to be pushy,” she says in a pushy fashion, “but you don’t actually have to remove the inner stuff from the wings. You can just leave them as they are and it’ll work fine.” Freezing in place, I find myself only just barely capable of turning my neck to look at her. She gives me a cheeky grin. “Trust me, it works very well.”
I turn back to the chimaera and follow her advice. As I continue disassembling it, she gives me a few comments here and there about how to do it better.
Out of pure curiosity, after a short time of silence, I ask her, “Hey, how come you’re turning all of these couples into harpies and trees? Haven’t you got anything better to do?”
She gives me a blank look. “Well, obviously, because it’s hilarious.”
My jaw falls open a little. “You think it’s funny?”
“You don’t?” she asks incredulously. Standing up, she goes to one of the windows overlooking the now burning and smoking forests. You can’t really hear any screams anymore. “I just find it so funny to watch them scramble for a solution, I mean, all they do all the time is moan and groan about how unfair everything is, and then they still go and eat their own lovers! Isn’t that just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?” She barks a laugh. “Really, this whole burning-the-forest thing is… When I first saw it, I thought it was quite unfortunate, but I think I’ve changed my mind. This is just the punchline to the joke I was already building up!”
Scratching my chin, I stand up and join her at the window. Looking out, I can see, hidden within the trees, the curled-up corpses of harpies, clutching onto the trunks of burnt trees, or in the arms of charred half-bird corpses.
“Huh,” I say, thoughtfully. “Now that I think about it, you’re totally right. That is really funny! I wasn’t really thinking about it before, but chicks loving trees? That is actually golden. Hah!” Boy, do I feel foolish for not catching onto the joke here earlier. Man, was a master of comedy!
“It is, isn’t it?” the witch says with this huge grin, her cheeks dipping into dimples. “Watching them run around like soggy rats is almost as funny as the moment when they realise their beloved flame got turned into a tree of all things!”
“Haha, yeah, that would be pretty hilarious,” I say merrily. “Wish I could’ve seen it, but I guess I’ll have to settle with imagining it.”
“A real shame, that,” the witch says with a sigh. She looks over at me, glancing at the chimaera skin in my hands. “Anyways, you’re done with that now, aren’t you?”
I look down at the skin I’m holding. “Oh, yeah,” I say as I turn back to her. “I guess I am, huh?”
She grins. “Well then. How about a classic little fight to the death?”
I smile back at her. “Sounds good to me.”
Comments
Diez de Groot
Pure fucking insanity. Which I really should be used to by now.
