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Tutorial Rewrite 97
🕑 Added 2023-01-31 08:09:52 +0000 UTC…Seriously? You’re not even going to let me heal up first? Really? Isn’t that just a bit too—
A massive weight slams into me and I fly off the ground, bound through the air and skid across the ground, scraping up my entire chest before finally coming to a stop a few paces from where I started out. Standing up, I slowly open my eyes. There, on the other side of the road, right where I was until just a moment ago, stands a, uh… creature? Or something?
<Herald of the God of Kings>
It looks like a dead goblin, with pallid green skin and a wrinkled, almost mummified look to it, but parts of it are weirdly bulbous, and others have cracked open, like someone tried to stuff a fortune cookie full of purple goop. This is most evident with the head. Not only are the eyes a vivid purple, but the goop inside is even bursting out of the eyes, flooding down the side. The mouth is also drooling purple stuff, but the drool and the stuff doesn’t actually go anywhere, because instead of just falling off, it floats in beads around the face.
But the real showpiece is the stuff above the face. See, its head is exploded. It looks like a water balloon burst, but then it got frozen mid-pop, so it looks very strange. A large, blooming bubble of purple goop is swirling around, protruding from the open skull like a massive maggot. It looks strange, but since the purple goop on top has the same physics as a lava lamp, it’s strangely hypnotic to look at. I just want to look at it, forever and ever and ever and…
“Are you the envoy sent by the pathetic God of Multitudes?” it asks, spitting goop as it does.
Um, me? Well… Yeah, I guess I am. That’s what the system calls me, not that I actually get it personally.
It stares at me. Technically speaking the body itself seems to be a she, considering the lack of mane and the fact that it’s wearing a torn dress, but I don’t think whatever it is that’s possessing it can be considered female, or even male for that matter. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s just goop, so…
“No answer? Do you perhaps not understand my language?”
No, I understand it, I just don’t feel like talking right now.
It stares at me. Or maybe it’s staring at something behind me. It’s hard to tell since the eyes are just one solid colour without any border between eye white and iris and pupil. It crosses its arms. “You’re a silent one, I see. But you don’t seem especially enlightened by the situation. Do you know who I am?”
Um, yeah, the status box said—
“I am the herald of the great God of Kings, who in His gracious generosity has decided to accept these measly planets into His powerful bosom,” it says grandly. Pfft. Bosom. Its right eye twitches. “Unfortunately, unbeknownst to you poor inhabitants, your Gods have decided to make things difficult for us all by resisting. Isn’t that horrible? And now they’re using you as unwitting pawns without even explaining the situation.”
Um. Look, if you’re doing a hostile take-over of my planet, then I’ll probably try to fight back, unless—
“As the God of Kings pities you so much, He has through me asked most gently to make you an offer. Become His herald.”
…Herald? But aren’t you his herald?
It places a hand on its chest. “I may be His current and most fortunate herald, but for His will, I do not mind relinquishing my life and my position. To be His herald is to feel His power at all times, and to exert it as though it was your own. It is a wonderful thing. I am happy. So, so, so, happy. And you can be, too. Unlike your God of Multitude—or if you’d rather believe in your former God of Love—the God of Kings will be most kind with you, and He will tell you what He is to do in the future, and He will never abandon you.”
…You mean how he’s currently totally abandoning you? Listen, I don’t want to assume anything, but didn’t you just say that if you stop being apostle, you’ll literally die? Isn’t this a textbook example of him letting you die?
“Ah, I can tell by your face—you do not believe in His kindness. But, you see, even in death, I shall fulfil His wants. If I should die in His name, how could that possibly be called abandonment?”
It’s very easy, actually. I just called it as such.
It gives a strained smile. “You doubt yet. It is unfortunate, but… The only reason you refuse is that you have yet to taste the sweet fruits of His strength. Come, come closer, and I shall allow you a taste of His divinity.” Saying so, it holds up one of its hands. A big glob of purple goop seeps out of a crack on its palm, beading in its hand.
I kind of want to keep my distance, but since I’m a purely close-quarters fighter, I don’t really have much of a choice. If this will let me get close enough to beat it up, then so be it.
Cautiously, I step closer to it until I’m right in front of it. It’s a fair bit shorter than me, but that just means that my face is right at the level of the pulsating mass of purple goop protruding from the top of its head. This makes it pretty hard to try to keep eye contact. I look down and find its hand reaching up towards me. There’s a small bit of goop in it. The way it’s holding it up to me feels a whole lot like a little girl offering a sugar cube to a horse. Like, is there no way for us to do this in a non-creepy way? No? Ugh, fine.
Hunching my back further down, I let my head fall into its hand, and I lap the goop off of its palm. Slurp slurp slurp. When did I stop being a proper human?
But the thought leads nowhere as my body freezes in place, my tongue still extended, my eyes wide. Th—this is…
MywholebrainexplosedintolightandmusicandsoundandmagicanddancingandIcanseethestarsandthemoonandthesunsandtheplanetsandthenebulasandeverythingthereisandeverythingthereeverwasispresentedtomeintechnocolouranditsliketheworldhasgoneastepbeyondsimplebeingthreedeeandIcannowseeitforwhatittrulyisanditisbeautifulitisgorgeousandIcanfeelpowerandenergyandmightandrightflowingthroughmyveinslikebloodbloodbloodbloodandmybodytreblesbecauseIHAVETHEPOWERtodoanythinganythinganythingandeverythingallatonceIamomnipotentIamaGodIamTHEGodIameverythingthereeverwasandeverythingthereeverwillbebecauseIamthebeginningandIamtheendandtherehasneverbeenanythingbeforemenorwillthereeverbeanythingaftermeforIamGODIamTHEGODIamIamIamIamIamIamIamIamIam… uh…
<You have learned:
Divinity Protection Lv.2>
What was I doing again?
I look down at the little goblin apostle thing. It looks up at me. Even though it hasn’t had much control over its facial expressions so far, now, it is somehow able to narrow its eyes and furrow its brows, all at the same time. “Huh. How were you able to withstand that? That should have put you under my power!”
Withstand what? That yummy goop?
I stare at the bulbous blob of purple goop in front of me. I can feel a trail of drool inch down my mouth. Y’know, I’m not sure what this herald guy is trying to say about controlling me or whatever, but that goop I just ate tasted a whole lot like grape jelly, and right now, I can see a big lump of grape jelly, right in front of my eyes, wiggling back and forth like an experienced belly-dancer…
With a mind clean of ill thought, I reach out and grab hold of the jelly. My hands sink through but that’s alright. Leaning my head forward, I thrust my entire face into the blob of purple and begin sucking it down.
“H—hey! By the God of Kings, what are you—”
Gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp.
My brain fires up again. I can see the lights. Ahahaha… hahahahah… hahahahahahahah. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Beauuuuuuuutifuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~~~l!
The herald pushes me off of it, but by this point, I’ve sucked up most of the jelly it had on its head. As it tries to take distance from me, it sways from side to side. “You damn mortal…! How dare you consume my divinity?! You should be within my power! This is ridiculous…” It points its right index at me. “Fall before your king!”
<Kneel.>
I stare at it. It stares at me. I’ve got a big goofy grin on my face from the grape goop. Man, I feel good. People who tell you not to do drugs are all a bunch of dweebs. This is the life!
Or, it was, because now I can feel the happy happy yummy fade slowly out of my system, leaving me feeling cold and slimy and horrible inside. Luckily, I happen to know just how to get a refill. My eyes fall to the herald standing just a pace or so in front of me, wiggling its finger at me. Or, more accurately, at the small bit of purple goop still protruding from its head. Mmmm… Yummy grape…
“Kneel! Kneel! Why won’t you kneel? How can you consume my divinity and then refuse my orders?”
I don’t know and I don’t care because I’m hungry for that jelly. Grinning like a lunatic, I sneak closer. But right as I’m almost close enough to make a grab for it…
“Agh, be off, mortal!” it exclaims, rudely pointing its middle finger at my stomach.
<Remove.>
