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Tutorial Rewrite 100
🕑 Added 2023-01-31 08:20:56 +0000 UTC“Information, is it?” His smile broadens. “Is that your wish?”
“Yeah, I literally just—yes. Yes, that is my wish.”
He snaps his fingers. “In that case, I shall grant this wish to the best of my abilities.” Gently, he places me on the floor, and before I can really understand what’s going on, the space around us shifts once more. Suddenly I’m standing behind a podium, and he’s in a weird tuxedo, holding a couple of cue cards like a game show host. I’m being half-blinded by a number of harsh spotlights, but I can still see that in front of us are several rows of empty seats. No, not quite empty… If my eyes haven’t degraded into mush, I’m pretty sure that the seats are all actually occupied by singular fireflies. One in each seat.
Behind the both of us is a big screen, currently showing a logo that says What’s The Deal?
“Welcome, welcome!” he says to the firefly audience, stretching out his arms as he does. “On today’s episode of What’s The Deal, our dearest contestant—Hell Challenger PrissyKittyPrincess—will compete in finding out the answers to life’s biggest questions! As usual, all questions and all answers will be provided by our dear contestant, so give a hand to Kitty!”
The tiniest round of applause erupts from the fireflies. What the heck is going on?...
“As usual, I am your host! I doubt anyone here is unfamiliar with the rules, but I will still explain it as simply as I can. Rule number one: only ten questions may be answered! And that was all we have in terms of rules. Now, let’s begin with the first question, shall we?”
Only ten? But I haven’t asked anythi—
The graphics on the screen shift around, transforming into the question, Who the heck is this guy? I stare at the question. The question stares back at me.
“Nice question!” he says, turning to me. “Well, shall we hear it?”
Four answers pop up on the screen.
A.) The God of Sleep.
B.) The God of Pain.
C.) The God of Comfort.
D.) Not a God at all.
I blink at them. Uh. Hang on, I’m supposed to answer? Hey, that’s unfair! How am I getting my wish if I’m the one answering the questions?!
But the host isn’t saying anything, and the audience is holding its insect breath, so… It’s up to me. Answer D is an obvious fake-out. If you’re going to say what something is, you don’t do it by explaining what it isn’t. That’s just weird. Sleep, pain, or comfort. Sleep would be my first guess, because of the moon-and-pyjamas theme. But he does look pretty comfy, all things considered. On the other hand… Him being the god of pain would explain why him hugging me felt so… Yeah.
I look down at the podium in front of me. There are four buttons, labelled A, B, C, and D. Even though I feel unsure, I press B.
A horn toots and a spray of confetti arches over the scene as the screen flashes green.
“Nice deduction!” he says. “I am, indeed, the God of Pain! Very impressive. For that, you get one point!”
Something dings in the podium. Leaning over it, I’m able to look at the front of it, which bears the What’s The Deal? logo, alongside my username, and a screen that now shows a big one. What is that even…
“Oh, we’ve got another question! Let’s see it on the big screen, folks,” Pain says, and I turn to the screen just in time to watch it change one more time, in this case showing the question, What is that number even for? After a second or so, four answers pop up.
A.) Just for fun.
B.) Each point grants another wish.
C.) Each point grants one point.
D.) At the end the points are tallied and if they are less than 5, Hell Challenger PrissyKittyPrincess dies.
…Uh. I hesitate to ask since I don’t want it to turn into yet another question, but what the heck is that last answer supposed to mean? Th—that can’t be the right answer, can it? Slowly, I glance over at the god of pain. He looks like a tricky fellow, but he doesn’t seem to really hate me, and I can’t see why this would lead to my death at all. No, I think there’s a much simpler answer here.
I press the A button.
The screen lights up in green.
“That’s correct! It’s just for fun, so there’s no need for you to worry about getting any answers wrong. Let’s move onto the next one, shall we? This one’s a doozy!” The screen shifts again. I try to clear my head, and think only about the questions I really, really need answered. I’ve already wasted two of my ten questions on useless stuff, so I really need this one to be good.
A question pops up on the screen. How come everyone’s always so mean to me?
I feel my jaw drop.
“Let’s take a look at the options!” The four answer options pop up. If they can be called four, that is.
A.) Because you’re mean to them.
B.) Because you’re mean to them.
C.) Because you’re mean to them.
D.) Because you’re mean to them.
I gulp down a lump. Did the spotlight always feel this hot? The audience is completely silent. Pain is likewise silent, just staring at me. Waiting for me to choose an answer.
I look down at the buttons on the podium. I didn’t… I didn’t think that. I didn’t think anything like that.
My hand hovers over the buttons. This isn’t true. I didn’t… Th—this is a scam! I just—I’m not… Scowling, I push down on a button at random. The screen behind me lights up in green.
“Ouch, that’s gotta hurt! Good on you for being able to empathise with others and to see their perspective, Kitty. It sure isn’t easy to admit that you’ve got no one else to blame but yourself, but you did it. Well done!”
I wonder if a god of pain can feel pain himself? I should test it out once I get the chance.
“No need to dillydally. Let’s see what question four holds in store for us!”
W—wait, I don’t need that question answered! I don’t care whether he can feel pain or not, I really don’t!
The screen flashes with the next question and I freeze in place. What is the purpose of the tutorial?
I can feel my eyebrows squash together. Okay, that one I really didn’t think. Is this guy just messing with me? I bet he can’t even read my thoughts! But I don’t feel like talking today, so…
The answers pop up.
A.) To torment humans just for the sake of it.
B.) To train humans who would otherwise have died into becoming receptacles for divinity.
C.) To steal away humans from the God of Love.
D.) To birth a new God.
This is…?
I look over at the god of pain, but he won’t show me any expression other than that permanent everything’s-alright smile. Is it seriously up to me to figure this out? Well, I doubt it’s A. I also don’t think it’s C, because if they were going to steal a bunch of people, then why would they let us die? There is clearly some other purpose to this whole tutorial thing. Since I already know that the first part of B is factual, that would suggest that B really is the situation. I don’t know what it means to be receptacles for divinity, and it sounds kind of ominous, but that doesn’t make it less true. I guess.
I press the B button and sigh in relief as the screen lights up in green.
“Four in a row—what a prodigy! As you’ve deduced, the tutorial is a way for Earth and Purgatory to work together in beating back the forces of the God of Kings! It’s a very simple alliance. It all began when the God of Kings gave us an ultimatum, to join Him or die. As a polydeus, joining Him would have meant that all of us, save for one, would have to be killed in order to become more manageable in His eyes. To save ourselves, we reached out to the God of Earth—your God—the God of Love. Living up to His divine name, He agreed to assist us in creating this tutorial—designed by the God of Harvest. We were allowed to bring in humans such as yourself on three conditions: one, joining the tutorial would be completely voluntary; two, we would only invite those who would otherwise have died within twenty-four hours; and three, after they had completed the tutorial, they had to return to Earth.”
He—he’s actually giving me an explanation? No way. Am I having brain hallucinations?
I really need to put this to mind. This is important stuff! Uh… What did he say just now? Something about the god of Earth being the god of love? Oh, lord, please let that be a joke or something. Shouldn’t our god be, like, a God of Power, or a God of Death, or a God of Awesomeness? Love. Ugh. I do not have the vocabulary to properly express how dumb that is. I mean, Earth? Really?
“The Tutorial itself,” Pain continues, “is designed in order to strengthen you so that you may be used in this war against the God of Kings. By defeating enemies and clearing floors, you earn levels and skills, both of which are granted directly by Us Gods. Equipped with this divinity, you will be able to resist the power of the God of Kings. Neat, huh?”
Uh… Okay, wait just a minute. Sure, I chose to join the Tutorial, but I never agreed to be part of this fight against this god of kings fella. I only killed his herald because I had to in order to beat the floor. Once I’m back on Earth, I’m going to go back to gaming, and that’s final!
“Let’s continue onto the fifth question!”
H—hey, wait a second, I’m not done digesting that last one yet! What the heck does that all even mean?!
A question pops up on the screen. What is an angel?
What is an—I, uh, I honestly haven’t thought about that. Sure, Want and Coward mentioned angels in their lover’s spat, but angels are… Isn’t it only obvious that a god would have angels?
The answers quickly take space on the screen.
A.) They are the servants of Gods.
B.) They act in the name of their God by using their Divinity in a more focused manner.
C.) They are exchanged in the ritual betrothal ceremony between Gods and Goddesses.
D.) All of the above.
Uh. Uhh. Okay, this feels like another one where the answer is kind of obvious. I know that C is the correct answer because that’s what Coward said. On the other hand, just because this is what the angels are used for doesn’t necessarily mean that this is what they are. C isn’t the right answer, but it also isn’t incorrect. A and B both feel plausible, and they are both direct descriptions of what the angels are in and of themselves, which would suggest that several answers are correct.
In that case, there’s only really one answer.
I press the D button.
“Ding ding ding ding! That’s another correct answer, folks! Our dearest challenger sure is on a roll, isn’t he?” Waving to the audience, Pain turns to me. “If you’re wondering, these wonderful moving stars, these firefly angels, are the gift I was given by the Goddess of Pleasure upon Our happy day. In return, I gifted Her my little sheep. Like this, I can use Her powers, and She can use Mine. Isn’t that lovely?”
Actually, I kind of don’t care about your marital status. Why should it matter to me if you gave some lady a bunch of sheep for a wedding gift? If you ask me, that’s just plain weird, not to mention inconvenient. Do you know how much grass and hay sheep need to eat daily to stay alive? This is more of a white elephant than a proper wedding gift.
“Angels are differently strong individually depending on how many angels one God has. Since I and Pleasure both have so many angels, each individual contains a relatively small fraction of Our Divinity, but the amount of Divinity is the same between Gods. An angel is an angel, no matter what God it serves.”
Uhuh. Right. Honestly, I don’t care a lot about angels. If you ask me, they seem more like glorified wedding rings than actual individuals.
Before I even have time to finish my train of thought, and without waiting for the host of the show himself to say anything, the next question pops up on the screen.
Why is the God of Pain such a dork?
I read the question. Then, I read it again. It still says the same thing. Slowly, I turn to look at Pain.
Much like I am, he’s staring at the question. The cue cards he’s holding fall out of his hand, startling him out of it. “Oh! That was, erm, haha, uh…” Falling down on his knees, he begins gathering up all the cue cards again. I catch a peek at one of them. It says, Salmon Tuna Indigo Bream. Standing back up again, Pain nervously chuckles. “That’s, um, you know, I mean, I’m not trying to say anything here, but calling me a dork is a bit, heh, uh…” He shrugs dejectedly. “I just thought that making it like one of your Earth game shows might make it a bit more fun, so, I just, erm… N—not that it matters or anything, haha! I’m the God of Pain, so, uh, obviously, a hurtful word or two from my favourite little challenger won’t do anything! Haha. Erm…”
Usually, the thought of apologising never even crosses my mind, because I never feel like I’ve done anything wrong. But right here, right now, in a situation where I don’t think I’ve technically done anything wrong, the urge becomes too much. I look down at the podium and the buttons. “Um,” I say. “I don’t… I don’t think you’re a, uh, dork. It was just, I was only…” I gulp. “I’m sorry. The game show is… It isn’t… It’s fun, I guess.”
He perks up. His eyes, gleaming with appreciation, stare into me. “So you don’t think I’m silly? You want to keep doing the show…?”
I take a deep breath. In, out. In, out… “Yeah,” I bite out after a long pause. “Sure I want to keep doing the show.”
He lights up and the possible answers flash on the screen.
A.) Glad.
B.) To.
C.) Hear.
D.) It!
Robotically, I look back up at Pain. He’s still smiling. Silently, while still keeping eye contact, I press B.
The screen fills with green and confetti but I don’t remove my eyes from him.
“Let’s see what the seventh question has in store for us!”
I refuse to turn away from him but the next question that pops up is too much for my curiosity to withstand, and I glance away to check it out.
How is Simel doing?
