WarbyPicus
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Vol. 4 Chap. 26 A Dog Walks Into A Tavern...
🕑 Added 2023-12-11 17:00:09 +0000 UTCTruth just looked at her for a long moment. Susan was, bluntly speaking, not his type. His paranoia would never in a million years settle down around her. Also, being honest with himself, he really didn’t like the idea of cheating on Etenesh. The thought gave him hives. He wondered if that was an effect of that bit of Etenesh inside him, or just his own nature. He hoped it was all him.
“Sorry, I am in a committed relationship. Also I am fairly sure our kinks don’t align. I am quite appreciative of the complement, though.”
She swore. “You have NO idea how hard it is finding a qualified man I’m not related to. This country is just loaded with-” She struggled to find the right words. Truth saw her discarding a really impressive number of slurs.
“Don’t strain yourself. It is what it is. Name?”
“You know- ah, Susan Anakdaughter. We are all Anakson or -daughter. Some of us drop that bit for business purposes. How much do you know about us?”
“Kissing cousins from a long way back. Completely different magic system.”
“So… almost nothing. Yeah. Alright. So. You basically just broke in here because there was something going on at MegaShroom and you figured out we were behind it, and you want to find out what we are up to so you can use us to your advantage?”
Truth shrugged, moving Susan from the “likely to die” category to the “kill her the instant his paranoia even slightly flares” category. “Something like that.”
“Great! I can work with that.”
“Oh?”
“Sure. MegaShroom is barely a side project. Definitionally a nice to have, not a need to have.”
“What is your status in the organization? You feel like you are between level four and five, which means you aren't the receptionist.”
She barked with laughter. “The “Organization” is the Anak family. All the companies and charities and whatever are just covers. I’m in the third generation, so middle of the pack. And I don’t have a level. You… really have no idea who, or what, we are, do you?”
“No. Explain. Incidentally, look towards your halberd again and I will see how long it takes you to regrow your eyes.”
“I didn’t even glance.”
“You did. One eye.” Truth raised the sword casually
“ALRIGHT! God! Look, you know we aren’t from the same branch of humanity, but we are all descended from the perfected hermaphrodite, right?”
“Sure.” Truth said. Not quite how he had heard it, but whatever.
“So, your branch, let's call it the baseline. Or, I don’t know. Pick a primordial person from whatever the Praegerites teach.”
“Mmmhmmm.”
“We, or more accurately the portion of my ancestry that you care about, are the Nephilim. Which is what you get when humans are bred by angels.”
Truth just slowly blinked at that. It was like hearing that humans could have sex with a planet. Or a star.
“Explain… further.”
“Not much further I can explain. It’s not a secret, at all. We have entire star systems, hell, our own multi-planetary organizations. And we are magically and biologically different from base humans because at some unimaginably distant point in the past, maybe even on the origin planet, a bunch of angels fucked a load of human women. Presumably very low tier angels, but who knows.”
Truth just let the idea rattle around a bit longer. Demons, sure. Demons were associated with lust all the time. He was employing two succubae. They were up for anything, any time. But angels? His experience with angels was that they were forces of obliteration.
Wait. Etinesh did say her family saw messenger angels breaking the earth and making an area ready for farming. If that was something that really happened, it would make two things the angels were involved with. And if Sarah was right about her family history, it would be three things that angels did.
“Alright. And clearly it makes you stronger and faster. And regenerate seemingly major organs?”
“With practice and training, yes.”
“But not levels. Somehow.”
“Your system of magic is built around building a miniature of the heavens, down to emanating the power surplus. Our system of magic is more predatory. What we take, we keep. What we make, we keep. We can cast spells, the same as you, it’s just that getting the magic outside our bodies requires more steps.”
“But, in exchange, you all might as well be body cultivators.”
“Body cultivation was developed as a response to Nephilim raids.” Susan didn’t quite preen.
“Huh.” Truth was pretty sure she was wrong about that. At the very least, there was something deeply odd going on with the Meditations of Valentinian.
“And, for similar reasons, we don’t give even one half of a shit if the magic collapses on a world. We won’t lose anything if we don’t cast anything,” They won’t regenerate, though, Truth mentally rebutted. “And we have our own methods of accumulating energy.”
“Sacrifice.”
She jolted and gave him a hard to read look.
“In a manner of speaking. That term is a little loaded for us.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, not too sure why, but all the older generations make a big deal out of it. We are always the ones being sacrificed to. Never God, or angels, demons or whatever. When we make a sacrifice, it is always to ourselves or the family. Mostly we just call it feeding, or taking supplements.”
“And… God is okay with this?”
“After many thousands of years of successful growth? The development of our own civilization spanning many, many star systems? The sheer fact that our species couldn’t exist unless God specifically made it exist? Yes.”
“Not going to lie, it’s a bit shocking to hear. He always came off as a really jealous, insecure prick. God, I mean.”
“He is. “He.” She did the little air quotes. “Somebody must have done something to piss him off, because this planet still should have a sufficient amount of reality anchoring materials to keep this kind of collapse from happening.”
“Current guess?”
“Starbrite.”
“Really?”
“Yep. He’s the only person on the planet out of the initiate realm, so, if not him then who?”
“Initiate realm?”
“Apparently it’s a taboo to talk about so I don’t know much beyond… something changes for you guys when you get past level nine, and when we fully awaken our power. All this, everything up until that point? You are just an initiate.”
Truth nodded. “Into what?”
“Pardon?”
“Initiated into what? You can't just be an initiate generally, right?”
She looked boggled for a moment, then started to laugh. Her laugh was rich, deep, honest. “I have no idea. You are the very first person I know of who’s asked that. I will definitely ask grandpa that myself.”
Truth nodded. He… would prefer not to kill Sarah, he decided. On the other hand, he really wasn’t sure it was wise to let her live.
“Deciding whether or not to let me live?”
“Yes. I am clinically paranoid, but I am trying to be a better person.”
“Why?”
“Pardon?”
“Why? Why pretend to be a better “human being?” She did the air quotes again. “If you aren’t one of us, and I really do think you might be some kind of distant relation, then you aren’t a human. Or at least not a human of a sort I have heard of.”
“I have met my parents. They are depressingly “basic.” And very human.”
“You were adopted, then. My halberd is enchanted, using Nephilim magic. That weakening you felt was me harvesting the strength in your body. The fact you were able to shake it off within seconds of getting cut was… impressive. As was surviving a grapple with me. Wasn’t kidding about being open to making something work, by the way.”
“You want to date a person you think isn’t human.”
“Yeah. Sounds fun. And you have that complete disregard for the lives of others that just SCREAMS Anak inlaw.”
“I would say something unkind, but I really don’t have a leg to stand on there.”
“Speaking of, can I stand?”
“No.”
She grunted and rolled her eyes. “Look, I am literally built different, as is my whole family. I never went to a Jeon school, my exposure to your media was carefully controlled, I didn’t have friends outside the family. I am culturally a Nephilim, and biologically a Nephilim/base hybrid. My existence is premised on the coming collapse- as a sort of shock trooper or social control agent to pave the way for the pure Nephilim when they make their way to this planet. I give exactly zero fucks about ninety nine percent of all events that go on on this planet.”
Truth nodded. And waited.
“I don’t give a shit about your weird deal, or your girlfriend, wife, whatever. Boyfriend. Pet rock that you dick down on the quiet. Don’t care, won’t care.”
Ah. She was like him. Lonely, in a world she didn’t understand.
“I’m currently engaged in a campaign of terrorism and rebellion across Jeon.” Truth said.
“Excellent. Sounds like a giggle-fest.”
“And am being hunted by people of alarming reach and power.”
“I can promise that, should we enter into a committed relationship of our own, my family will do absolutely nothing to protect you.” Sarah looked earnest.
“You mean ‘will definitely protect you,’ right?”
“I do not. Officially, we would, of course. In practice, people of our generation would try to kill you just for fun. If they failed, they would claim they were just playing and you shouldn’t get mad.”
“And if I killed them?” Truth’s voice was bone dry.
“Then you are an asshole. They were just playing around. So five or six of them would gang up and kill you.”
“Such fun.”
“We are strong, not fair.” Sarah shrugged.
“Making a real hard sell here.”
“You already said no. This is just me trying my luck. I mean, at this point, what have I got to lose?”
Apparently not her life. Truth’s desire to kill her had vanished. His back had stopped bleeding a while back too. The body cultivation could manage a gross physical wound like that well enough, though it would need a healing spell to really be put back together.
“Alright, so here’s the thing. I want to put one of my drones in charge of MegaShroom and use them to… basically poison the well of public opinion. Are you going to get in the way of that?”
“Are you going to destroy the company?”
“Not intentionally, though I don’t plan on caring about its survival.”
“Close enough. Sure. Go nuts.”
Huh.
“Really?”
“Yep. Don’t care. And yes, I will be telling the family all about this. Obviously. But they won’t care either. Actually, they will want us to hook up. You have collapse survival potential.”
“Nifty. As a sign of good faith, could I have a primer on how your magic works?”
“You can’t use it. Really. It takes spirits of intellect centuries to make hybrid spells that kinda sorta replicate one part of one of our spells. The magic isn’t compatible at all.”
“Then there is nothing to lose, is there?” Truth said. He didn’t realize his voice was maddeningly reasonable, but it was.
“God, you must be popular.”
“I get hit on a lot, actually, when I let people see me. It’s a little weird.”
“What’s weird about it?” She looked blank, then groaned. “Let me guess, You are muscly as hell.”
“Not compared to your big bro, but by Jeon standards? Yeah.”
“How do you know Remu anyway?”
“I thought I was collaring a pet, and didn’t realize it had his brand on its ass already. Awkward. And with that tip, I think your family is going to be a bit more cooperative. Spell primer?”
“Do you keep your baby books in your office? There is a manual of spell design on the desk, under the office equipment catalog.”
Truth walked over and found it. He started “casually” flipping through it.
“Told you it wouldn’t make any sense to you.”
<<Got it. Not going to lie, my already subterranean opinion of you will get lower if you do actually try to date her. Bad enough you punched your v-card. The notion that you would ‘do it’ twice in a lifetime is… beurgh.>>
“Yes, you were right. One last thing- why seal the room? It looked like you triggered an alarm, but even after all this time, no one has come bursting in.”
Her smile was… unkind. “You were wondering what my position in the company was, since I am clearly overqualified to be a receptionist?”
“Yes.”
“Bait. This is a reward posting.”
Truth cocked his head at that.
“You are the seventh person to come looking for us with bad intentions. You will be the first to walk out alive.” She sighed dramatically. “I was hoping for another cultivation supplement. Oh well.” She waved from the floor. “There is always next time.”
Truth turned to walk out the door. The spell had come down while they chatted. Truth paused and looked back.
“I heard a joke once.”
“Oh? Go on.”
“Why did the chicken cross the playground?”
“You are joking.”
“Yes. But why?”
She rolled her eyes dramatically. “I don’t know. Why did the chicken cross the playground?”
“To get to the other slide.”
There was a long pause.
“That was bad. And you should feel bad about it.” Susan’s voice was conversational.
“To say that I’m not good with jokes would be an understatement. You tell me one.”
“Oh, I know a great joke. A dog walks into a tavern and said, “I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one.” She started giggling, then guffawing. A muscly hand slapped a strong thigh as her shoulders shook. “I’ll open this one!”
Truth just nodded slowly. “You tell the funniest jokes. I am not your match.”
She wiped a tear from her eye. “Ah, I didn’t invent it. I heard it from my uncle.”
“When we meet next, tell me a better one. I don’t want another lover. But I could use a friend.”
She grinned. She didn’t stop smiling even after he shut the door behind him.
Comments
dethrothes
Not gonna lie. When I started reading the chapter, I disliked her. By the end I liked her. I don’t know what sort of sorcery this is, but good job.
L
Is this the first confirmation that we have that Starbrite is above level 9 ? That's definitely not good...
Uri David Akavia
The nephilim girl was named Sarah once or twice.
gostsamo
> Wait. Etinesh Truth will wait a lot until his next time if he continues to mention other women.
gostsamo
As far as I remember, this was a sumerian joke discovered on a clay tablet. Here is a link about it: https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/sumerian-bar-joke
Joe ?
Alright someone's going to have to explain that dog joke to me. I don't get it.
Al
That dog-in-the-tavern joke gets me every time! Thanks for the laugh!
Addicted_Reader
Fren!
Luis
The Anak Fam seem like classic xianxia cultivators with all the Young Master behavior, but Truth got a new bestie that Etenesh will want to curb stomp and I'm all for it
