Railgun04
patreon
Major Recent Event *Content warning*
🕑 Added 2021-07-21 19:32:41 +0000 UTCAlright Y'all. I wanted to explain what's been happening to me lately. The Lack of content, Responses to DMs and general malaise.
** (extra note if you've messaged me and i haven't responded msg me again please)**
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So for most of my life i've been desperately trying to repress and conceal most of my personal desires, need, and my art from those around me IRL. It's been a fucking struggle and I believe I did a well enough job hiding my actual feelings/ identity from almost everyone. Though that came with a Price to my mental stability
My art/ occupation created the biggest challenge my efforts to hiding myself. it's often asked what you do for a living, let me see your arts, or how do you get money am'i'right?
So eventually I told a few people about my content and always followed it up with "It's exploiting a fetishy" Or " It's a way to get popular in art.."
Yeah that wasn't ever the fucking case. It was more central to my overall being and one of the few ways i can live in my identify if only for a short time.
I am trans and I was super fucking ashamed. I couldn't reconcile with myself coming out. Especially to my parents. They had done so much for me, been so kind too me I couldn't drop that on them. I couldn't take their idea of me away from them. It seemed to heart breaking. So That mask was my only option and it had fucked me up quite a bit.
I had built my life around it. I dates like a cis dude, I fell in love sure, tho there was always something missing in me emotionally and all of my relationships ended in ruin. Even my career path. It started with me wanting to be a fighter pilot because i thought it was a way to look masculine. That path fell through because of my medical history so I moved into emergency medicine becoming an EMT the training up to becoming a paramedic. Though the intention was the same, Get a masculine-esc job tho the medical direction also doubled as an apology to God for my trans-oriented mind.
[[Yeah if God hates me for being trans then God has to be pretty weak spirited and not all good. I don't really think that deity of mine is that weak lol. Side note:: I was brought up Christian but my views on that are I have the faith, and it did help me in ways, But The religion/ church is a hypocritical hateful piece of Dogshit.]]
Anyways After a time and some awful experiences as a medic I ended that job and began focusing on my arts. That's when Railgun04 started. Yet since The loss of my medic job i got into the habit of fascinating about Suicide every night. Literally every night. It's been at least 5 years of that. I, after a few years into making my art, started to get some black-market HRT meds. four or 5 times I started them only to stop after a week or two as there use prompted severe depression. Like I was a person already fantasizing about killing themselves every night and this new bit of depression brought me orders of magnitude lower. It also kinda coincided with my major disappearances and unresponsiveness throughout my art-ing over the years.
So I started to care less and less as time burned on. I started overeating thinking i can kill myself VIA obesity and the medical ailments associated with it. I stopped most IRL friendships. (Though 3 of my friends were pretty much family status in my mind and i couldn't afford to alienate myself from)
It finally culminated in This last year in a half. I was desperately trying to make art yet I could hardly move my pen. I was paralyzed. I needed any sort of distraction to even think i could make it to the next day. I over used video games, became dependent on weed and fell into the hateful depravity of politics (me being progressive).
I just couldn't work...
and i felt ashamed of it,....
After all I had you all supporting me. The money from patreon was the only income I had and I felt undeserving/ unworthy of such financial support
I felt i was robbing yall because i couldn't work.... I'd spend hours trying to making a couple lines on my canvas.... But i couldn't pause anything because I would default on things.... I wanted too... every month every day i knew i was taking advantage of your kindness.
I was a failure to my audience then and one of the worst kind of failures. A fucking parasite.
I am deeply sorry for my actions in that respect.
Anyways as the covid year progressed i became more and more certain of the two remaining choices i had. Both final and definite in a way their own way.
One was to kill myself in December
The other was to finally commit to transitioning.
Since I'm still alive now i think y'all can reason with the choice i went with.
Since December i started taking HRT. I started therapy when the med depression hit another peak. (it's strange to find new peaks of depression after you've reached a point were killing yourself is an acceptable choice eh?)
Therapy really began an upward climb mentally though. I made sure to find a group that specialized in LGBT related therapy and it was the best thing for me. It kept me from stepping over the brink. It saved me. It was so important.
Yet I knew after a few more months the day would come when i had to come out to my parents. That day grew closer and closer and as it did anxiety completely took me. I thought since I was already pretty financially unstable the talk would lead to homelessness, abandonment, and ruin i could not fight out of. I couldn't handle that. I wouldn't handle that.
My life now reached a critical spot. So I made a plan.
1st I take a vacation to a super close friends place a talk to nearly every day (other side of the US). I would call home and begin the talk. Starting vague and giving direction to the parents from some discovery before the true date came. Then finally come clean about everything.
Come clean about my art, come clean about my nearness to suicide, to come clean about my drug use, and to come clean about my true hidden identity. I resolved to be fully upfront. Fully honest. Fully seen and known.
So the day appeached and a week before my vacation i was in mental devastation. The anxiety of my plan was almost more than i could handle. It was more than i could handle. I had dozens of tabs with the suicide prevention hotline open on my PC. I spent most of the days mourning my possible self inflicted death. I could help repeat phrases such as " I need to die' 'I'm a freak' ' im a disappointment' I can't do this' ' I don't want to die' ' I need to kill myself' and so on. Repeating and repeating. I began to know that there was a chance, i;d say 2-30% chance i would kill myself on the way to the airport. LAX.
I would do it by driving off the freeway near pyramid lake while driving through the grapevine. I knew that most suicide were decided minutes or hours before the attempt and i knew and planned for w/e attempt to be a final attempt/ a guaranteed death.
The day came and I packed and left. When I reached the grapevine i once again chose to life on. After all god would hate it more if i came to him a suicide rather than someone who accepted themselves and began to live seeking their own happiness.
My vacation with my friend started and as planned I began that discovery phase. The vacation itself was something i needed so much. It had been so many years since my last real vacation. Since the last time I put work out from my mind and just decompressed. It was a treasure i'll value for the rest of my life i think and my friend who was there with me, and supported me helped in ways greater than they imagine im sure. (as did others who were their through discord with us, Yeah i didn't forget about y'all and you know who you are ^^)
So I came back yesterday. The day of my talk. My coming out.
My anxieties were not validated. My talk with my parents was the most true i've ever been and they took it so much better than i had feared. It was a hard thing and i had successfully hidden myself from them so it came as i new thing. However, I was not to be thrown out. There will be some adjusting for them as this is a major life alteration but i was supported.
So the mask lifted, and last night i didn't wish myself dead or even imagine suicide. I just finished an art page and feel amped to do more. I feel like today i begin my journey out from my hole. I have a hope now and positivity in my future.
My anxiety and repression almost killed me. The bleeding stopped with an intention of change, and my therapist, my friends and a vacation. Now, 1 conversation, and my trust-est expression of honesty, I think my wound is closed.
I will grow in art, I will return to a normal production very soon, I will/ am transitioning. I'm transgender. A women. I will make myself succeed and take this life of mine towards positivity, happiness.
More content will be created, stay tuned, and thanks for reading. <3 y'all
Comments
S7unn1ng
They say that art is an expression of a person, i say your art is awesome, so you are awesome in that sense. Keep on going 😁
Christie
I am so happy your coming out went well and that you are on your path to happiness. So glad you are still with us girl. Hope you are enjoying your transition and taking the time to explore you, the real you. Without any fear and without any shame. You have a lot of exciting things to look forward to. Just make sure to be patient and let the magic pills do their work, it will take time but eventually you will start seeing more changes. I am sure you've already encountered some. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey to be you!!
