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[#25] Uncensored - Fixing your Tinder profiles

🕑 Added 2023-06-06 19:00:05 +0000 UTC

Comments

Alanna M

Nah tbh I do agree with a lot of the list, some explanations were OTT but there was also truth to many of them

Laura

Maya and QT talking about openly about trauma has actually helped me so much. Last week I was finally able to tell my boyfriend of seven years the trauma I had experienced as a child. I always thought I would take this with me to the grave, but I'm so relieved that I finally had the courage to tell someone.

Lezzerlee

As someone nearly 40 I think that some of the items they disagree with on the list are pretty accurate, but not necessarily in the way the twitter OP states. She's definitely hyperbolizing a lot. #1 is a red flag because playing devil's advocate means that they lack empathy. They care more about being right or playing out situations that don't effect them then the people it does effect. Maya's boyfriend didn't think she was dumb. He likely thinks ALL women are dumb and would do this to a rocket scientist too...all without ever realizing he subconsciously always contradicts women. The more you work in normal offices the more you see men like this that aren't just dating partners, that you realize that devil advocate guys are just dicks. The misogyny is subtle and so ubiquitous in our society it doesn't seem like misogyny. Nobody needs to be a devil's advocate. The devil doesn't need help. #2 Yes it usually means sex. If ti doesn't mean sex it means they want a pick me. A lot of men don't want women who go out hiking with their own friends (especially other men), or have their own lives and are independent and adventurous. They want someone who caters to their hobbies, or want to get freaky. #3 Maya's right. A girl with low self esteem is easier to manipulate. Even if they don't want someone conceited, they also don't want someone who feels good about themselves so they might cheat on them because their own confidence is low. #5 I Agee, the twitter poster got it wrong. I think it means they don't want someone they consider "high maintenance" (which is really just a normal girl) so they can get away with doing the bare minimum in the relationship. No need to give gifts, or pay for dates, or anything that requires effort with a "chill" girl. Also a man looking for a pick me. #11 Manic Pixie dream girl is a real thing some men seek out. But it's more that they are looking for someone to fulfill their own boring lives and "complete" them, instead of contributing to the relationship themselves. The burden of organization, hobbies, and emotional labor falls entirely on the woman. I think twitter OP is off thinking it's about neurodivergence.

Val M

Maya I LOVE your nails

Brezhniew

Open minded (from both men and women, especially in datingprofiles) means that they believe some crazy stuff, e.g. conspiracy theories, etc. Usually it means that you have to accept their opinion without reservations, or they won't engage with you.

zausted

maya saying “they always finish last” about nice guys was so funny to me as someone who watched ryans “nice guys” video when i was younger. immediatey started singing it in my head

Ambrosia

My most recent ex was a culmination of a lot of these red flags. However, the one I wanted to comment on was #11, the "quirky" thing. My ex wanted me, a girl who liked video games and was cool with his friends, but also since I grew up with trauma and have severe depression and ADHD he would tell all of his friends how insane I am, and how he has to deal with a lot. He almost made it a sport. When we broke up, some of our mutual friends showed me how much he exaggerated situations in order to gain pity and have a bar story to tell. It was beyond heartbreaking as someone who is dealing with my own shit.

Giggie

I'm so glad I'm married

Arrowni

QT calling out the regulars from the discord in the end made me go "yeah, I see who they are those freaks"

Bassam

I think it's absolutely a red flag if someone feels the need to refute everything you say. Like why would they just start conflict like that in the relationship

Ivan Gomez

I'm glad they're finally talking about QT's master baking problem. A full week is too much.

Sam White

I’m an almost 30 year old dad of two boys, one who has just turned 1 year old and his older brother who is wherever our loved ones go after this life. I’ve always watched do many different forms of content whether it was youtube, streams etc but I pretty much never comment on anything. Idk why but I felt compelled to say that, maybe I’m not the target demographic or whatever but you guys, how open you are with your trauma, the strength that shows and how you are both successful despite said trauma is truly an inspiration to me. My first son was born prematurely (26 weeks 5 days, weighing roughly 800 grams) and lived for just 11 weeks. In that time, he cruised through a surgery, was transported via airplane to visit a specialist at another hospital in a different country and was actually almost ready to finally come home with us before he was very suddenly taken from us by an illness known as NEC, one of the biggest risks that premature babies face. Long story short, it was my first experience with real trauma and I think I probably had/have some form of PTSD. Obviously I can’t relate directly from my trauma to yours or anyone elses but I feel like the feeling of very suddenly having the “rug pulled from under your feet” and the realisation that comes with that - that it might happen and could happen again at any moment is one that anyone with trauma can relate to? Maybe, maybe I’m wrong. Anyways, all of this is to say that you guys have certainly helped me cope with that through the podcast in your own little way so thank you.

Ridorana12

I felt a little bad about number 27 applying to myself at first. But it's only because there was one time in a conversation with two co-workers, I told them "sometimes i can be talkative and outgoing and sometimes i prefer to not talk and just work." Like, I felt that was appropriate to give a "warning," if you will, so they would know that's it's just a day where I don't feel like talking. That's literally the only time. I don't think I'm considering it regarding that situation with myself as being the same, though. So I feel fine about it. It's not wrong to not want to be bothered at work, right?

Daddywarbucks

The red flag tweet is so obnoxious. Some of those might be red flags, but the way she extrapolates one red flag into an entire personality is so dumb. Its as cringe as saying a girl who likes starbucks is basic and boring

Mitch Mitcherson

Therapy since 14. The most intense thing i’ve tried was ketamine therapy. I’ll keep my opinions about it to myself. But I agree with that user, even if it isn’t intentional, talking about it does normalize it. It makes me feel less weird about it at least.

Ladycilece

I’ve gone to therapy since I was 16 and a few weeks ago I explained to my therapist what Wine About It is 😂 some of the things you two have discussed have made me reflect on things I’m dealing with on my own and so she needed context 😂 wondering if she will watch your podcast now- could be good, could be bad for me LOL

Terrance Cennon

Patreon Tier: Dating profile reviews. 😜

rae

as weird as it sounds I do really appreciate QT talking about her childhood trauma. I also experienced sexual trauma around the same age (6-7), and I didn't start processing it until the first COVID lockdowns because for the first time in my adulthood, I didn't have work or anything as a distraction. sometimes something will trigger me and it's so frustrating being 20 years and 600 miles separated from this thing that happened and still feeling like that little 6 year old who was scared of getting in trouble. it helps a lot to know that others feel the same. all the love to QT and other fellow survivors ❤️

Avery

Proud of you! Good luck on the journey

seashell

that one about "not wanting someone who knows theyre attractive" sounded like a major guyism. as a dude the self esteem thing was the furthest from my mind the whole nice guy thing is super valid, most of those types are insufferable to be around because they think being "nice" is an entire personality and if they just act like a doormat then they're owed things. you cant sit around pitying yourself into getting laid, yuck

BS

When I heard them talk about edmr it sounded like such bs because there's all kinds of quacks out there who work on "remembering lost memories". When in reality the therapist is just implanting false memories which then become real. But turns out edmr is backed by science. Just another reason why therapy is so hard to navigate

Shaun Cheah

I say it sometimes when nibbling on a cheddar that's particularly sharp.

Shaun Cheah

I thought she was American.

Axolotl_Pines

I think the only time you should use "really mature for your age" if you're the younger person in the relationship and you want to roast the older one for being a geezer

TenaciousDealer

Just wanted to reiterate truly how great it has been for me personally to hear you guys speak so openly about your mental health, trauma and therapy. Please never think anyone here think's you're crazy for it, this is how things should be and we should be willing to speak to each other and help each other overcome the shit that ails us. It has helped me and now some of my friends be more open about various stuff and it truly is healthy. As ever you two remain hilarious, relatable and genuine in a way so many others fail to be. P.S. Really happy to hear QT may finally be getting the right help with regards to processing her trauma, it can't be overstated how important that can be and how linked to so many other issues she may be dealing with.

Michael Castrataro

TIL maya is asian

Shaun Cheah

If my daughters ever had to come to me about anything, I'd want to also handle that the best way that any dad in the whole entire world could. Is it okay to ask how QT's dad handled being told what she told him? Like what he did right and perhaps more importantly what he avoided doing wrong?

Klav

forsen

lewits

Hearing you guy talk about therapy helped push me to get therapy myself. I lived in an environment where you’re not supposed to talk about things like that. So this was kinda my first exposure of it being so normalized. I initially watched this podcast to hear some tea and girl talk and ended up relating to a lot and getting help myself. Love the podcast, thanks for bringing it back <3

em

i would love to pick your brain on this topic sometime if that would be okay 😅

em

wow i'm so fucking proud of you, QT!! i had to stop emdr cause i got way too triggered by it! maybe i'll try it again cause if you can handle it maybe i can too (:

TiddyTaoist

Did they just say “NEXT WEEK IS THE YARD EPISODE OF WINE ABOUT IT”??? WOOOOOOOOOOO

Chris

As a guy myself, it’s crazy how much more I agreed with the red flags than y’all did lmao

Jake

my tuesday ritual of watching qt try to use a wine opener for 3 minutes

screaming

every time they mention their audience is mostly men I’m shocked like bless those boys’ hearts but I feel like this is the podcast equivalent of going to the Dennys to shoot the shit with your girls at 2 AM

Dorothy Jones

Hey qt I have brittle hair issues from bleaching and I recently found out about two products that have helped me a lot one being Chihtsai leave in conditioner and K18 these two have made my hair feel like they are healthy while having damage. Both these products are on Amazon :)

Jon Patreon

It sounds like you've both been in therapy for years though. Do you have end goals which you are working towards or do you plan to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Dishcat

I hoped their would’ve been more discussion about Master Baker :)

Georgette Rosin

once again, qt and mayas outfits are hella cute

Jessica Stupack

I’m so happy you’re talking about EMDR! It truly changed my life for the positive and had been the only way I’ve been able to process my trauma. I have a neuroscience PhD and am obsessed with the brain, so I like to describe EMDR as memory consolidation into the right location. When you sleep, there is a REM for phase believed to be partially responsible for taking the memories of the day and putting them in the right locations. When you have trauma, your brain basically puts the traumatic memories in the “wrong” place, forming a trauma memory network, where they are easily triggered and hard to isolate. EMDR imitates what happens during REM sleep to help process those memories properly. This is also one of the reasons why it’s so hard to process trauma when sleep is an issue! So fascinating and cool to me, and honestly you both are heroes for talking about your experience publicly. EMDR can be so scary and even people trying it often give up after a session or two before they see results. Thank you for normalizing it ❤️

Phlexy

I feel like its a bit at this point with both Maya and QT trying to invent brand new ways in how NOT TO USE A WINE OPENER CORRECTLY oh good lord.

Frances Wilson

My cousin is an EMDR therapist and it's crazy to hear people talking about it, because I've never heard anyone other than my cousin mention it.

Mando Chil

My brother (who I live with) is always playing "devils advocate" and always invalidating everything I say. I've recently been setting boundaries and asking him to not do that and he says stuff like "what, I can't talk? I'm just talking!" Then I feel like shit. This is the first time hearing it out of my context and I don't feel completely insane, so thank you.

Brian de Lint

EMDR is magic, I swear. As far as I know the way it works is that when you recall an event your brain does not make a copy of the event from your long term memory to put in your short-term memory, but it just moves the memory around. On top of that the rapid eye movement somehow affects how the memory is stored, I had it explained to me as if it were blurring it out. So when you actively remember a traumatic event during EMDR that memory becomes less abrasive, the trauma mellows out if you will.

hope leyana

I can confirm that QT talking openly about her trauma and healing is extremely helpful for me. I've recently been recovering from recovered memories as well, and it's really comforting to know I'm not alone. <3

tilly

can also vouch that this pod does an amazing job at normalising therapy. i have an appointment next week after 7 years of struggling w mental health and the detail both of you go into abt life experiences + how your therapists help manage those feelings has been a huge help in making me less scared and doubtful abt getting help :)

cookie time

I just started EMDR about 1-2 months ago, for the same type of abuse and am currently going through the same motions as QT. it’s crazy. the last few episodes have been SO helpful for me. it gives me so much comfort and confidence when talking about the abuse to my therapist. thank you so much for talking about these things so openly 🫶🏼

vhs03

would like to say that i dealt with a lot of issues and got a therapist through RAD because of how normally you guys talked abt it and it’s genuinely the best thing i’ve ever done so thank you

Haihan Lin

if someone think it is a red flag to consume adult content, I think it is a red flag of them

Nivaldo Farias

🚩

Tfries_

the twitter lady seems to be a bit angry

Annie

It's always better on dating apps to advertise yourself than call out what you're looking for unless it's something really specific. If you're looking for someone who's adventurous, just say that you're adventurous and you'll naturally attract people who are likeminded. It also makes you seem more interesting than if you just list out what you're looking for in a partner.

Seth Hastings

And that's when you'd get toxic boyfriends denying or avoiding any kind of emotional responses that fall outside the bounds of the role they have for you.

Seth Hastings

I'd say Attraction becomes fetitization when it begins to dehumanize the person who is the object of the attraction, when they are not seen in the totality of who they are, but as what they represent, or as simply filling a roll you want them to play.

Pax Man

Oof QT and Maya have not seen ExtraEmily's Dr. K video and it shows

emmy ★彡

happy birfday qt 🫶🏼

Drew

I think the "type" tweet is interesting. That could be an entire episode.

Pax Man

Loved the WineAsmr this week

Haihan Lin

Nivaldo Farias

therapy has also been the norm for me for 2+ years. It has had such a significant (good) impact on my life that I sometimes catch myself preeching to friends and family on how its affected me and that they should give it a try at least once in life. My twitter bio is literally "therapy mormon."

Seth Hastings

For other people with trauma related insomnia, If you haven't talked about it with your therapist/psychiatrist, look into "Prazosin". I've been working on my sleep for like 15 years and this has been the first medication (non-addictive) that has given me measurable improvement. In low doses (1-4 mg) they use it to treat hyper vigilance and nightmares, which I didn't even realize I was still having most nights. Funny enough, when I don't have trauma related nightmares, I actually feel rested

peri

I think the phrase "I like to play the devil's advocate" does have the potential to be a red flag and can be used in racist and misogynistic contexts and most of the times it's not used in a very positive context so I get what she was implying with that one.

Robert Craig

I think a lot's changing about stigmatization of therapy, I have therapy sessions and I'm not shy about it and many of my friends are the same, I think it depends on the crowd really.

Joshua Copeland

i will say watching this podcast made me finally go and get therapy so thank you. I had needed it for a while and im feeling much better now that im in it so thank yall for that :)