TekstelArt
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Some commission insight
🕑 Added 2023-08-02 19:28:33 +0000 UTCI've been thinking about giving a proper update and explanation for quite a bit now and considering that I am quite a bit behind on my queue, I figured that I should give some proper infos instead of just vague summaries.
I am very open about the fact that I struggle massively with my ADHD, which has gotten increasingly worse over the past months, especially during the last few months of that abusive relationship I left. It unfortunately didnt get better after that.
I have been trying to get into therapy for well over 2 years, called every single mental health professional in my area and got put on so many waitlists that I lost track of which ones I am on.
Around the end of january this year I had my first actual appointment which was just the initial "assessment" where I got to meet my future psychiologist, she got a rough idea of me and my issues and I got told when they would probably have a spot open up for me for regular therapy.
I have been told that they could take me by spring this year.
It is now obviously late summer. I have contacted them again about 2 months ago, asking if they can give me any estimate yet, to which they told me that they cannot offer me a spot just yet and they cannot tell me when they will have a spot.
To tell you the truth, this is absolutely killing me. Every waking second, all I think about is the amount of things I have to do.
I sit down and I try so damn hard to do the things I need to do.
I have explained this a while ago on Twitter, it feels like you kinda fall asleep or into a trance but you dont really notice it until you eventually "wake up" and realize you have done it again.
This is what happens with my focus every day, every minute. I sit in front of my screen to work, I work for a bit and suddenly Im doing god knows what else and I didnt even notice.
This is frustrating and so incredibly depressing because I keep telling myself "You're just not trying hard enough" while there really isnt much else I can do.
In the initial assessment with my psychiologist I have brought this up and she has told me that I will absolutely need to be put on medication because this is something you cannot combat without.
So what am I left to do while I wait to hear back from them? I still have to pay my bills, I still need to live, I still need to work and be a functioning member of society.
Getting any other job would lead to the same result the entire time, I have never been able to keep any job for long and ultimately, with the length of my to-do list, this would do more harm than good anyway.
A friend of mine has recently started offering me his services for management, which has helped me immensely with breaking down my workload into smaller, managable and much less overwhelming chunks. I want to be able to complete more comms than I take on each month at the very least because that is how you catch up.
But unfortunately, as much as it has helped, it still wont fix the issue of me needing meds to get my executive function and my focus and attention in order.
I am also aware that this is solely my own issue and I cant expect other people to just carry this load or suffer the consequences. Which is why I try to be so damn transparent about everything, which is why, despite the absolute shame I feel looking at them myself, my trellos are public.
I dream of the day that I am all caught up and able to leave this weight behind me, to be able to focus on the current months load of commissions and have the remainder for personal projects, maybe finally start some merch or even that comic project Ive been putting on hold for years.
I dream of the day where I can offer my clients a quick turnaround time.
I wish that I was able to just take a few months off, not accept new work for a while until I am all caught up, but this would require a pool of funds to fall back on, that I just don't have.
This is what I meant when I said that getting a different job for the time being would do more harm than good. If I were to get a different job for the income while I finish up the queue, I would take even longer. Any time I had any job before, I would come home without a single shred of energy left and if I did art, it was on the rare weekends I had enough energy to get up and hold a pen.
This leaves me in this awful situation where I cannot just press pause but instead have to keep on while slowly picking up after myself.
I am depressed and anxious non stop but whats worse is this absolutely nasty and deeply rooted shame that I feel. Not a day goes by where I dont beat myself up, where I dont berate myself, where I dont ask myself "This is the best you can do?"
It's pathetic and miserable and ultimately still not really your issue. You guys paid for a service and I should be able to provide said service.
I am also aware that this sounds very.... "Please pity me and be nice to me", which is not my intention at all. I just dont know how else to phrase this.
I will get my work done, it's gonna take a bit more time but I will get it done and all I can really ask for, is a bit more of the patience you guys have been giving me so far.
I am hoping to hear back from the psych. any day now, to finally start getting my shit together for good, but until then I have to improvise and make the best of my ability.
I appreciate every single one of you so damn much and every single time you guys add little notes or send reminders that you're in no rush, I am on the verge of tears because it means that much to me.
So thank you.
For your support, your patience, your trust. Just thank you.
Comments
You aren’t alone! Please know you aren’t alone. I long to be able to pursue my art, except I have a day job that I still don’t know how I’ve managed to keep. Everything you talk about in your post is so damn familiar and I dearly dearly dearly hope you get word from the doctor soon so you can get that medication. Please know we are rooting for you and know you are trying your best. Be kind to yourself. It’s agonizing, I know, especially when you look at your pile of work and wonder how you’ll cope. You are amazing and stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am cheering you on and truly hope it starts improving soon. 🫂
You’re amazing and you’re doing a great job! I can relate with so much of what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen a psychologist yet, but I have a therapist (she’s actually a licensed mental health counselor) that has helped a lot but I also started meds just by talking to my doctor (who was new because I’ve seen a dr once in the past 10 years). It might be quicker for you to start meds if you can get in with a regular dr? In the past 6 months of meds, I’m finding Wellbutrin really helpful with executive functioning. I’m also taking Lexipro. It seems like you have a great support network here on Patreon! That’s something to be really proud of
