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Side Story 158.1 - And Now For A Word From Our New Sponsors
🕑 Added 2022-09-07 20:16:00 +0000 UTCThere were many who thought the AVS’s negotiations with the UN spelled the dawn of a new era. Where evil would be vanquished for good, not because it had been overcome, but because it had chosen to rest. That the villains would hang up their capes and their superweapons and integrate into society, using their powers for the good of all humanity.
They were wrong.
Evil never dies. Not entirely. It adapts. It grows. It finds new ways, and new hosts.
And in this case it barely needed to.
For the villains never intended to be good.
Rather.
This change only brought greater opportunities for evil.
For those who loved to distribute hate had found a far greater, and more insidious way to ply their craft.
The most evil thing they could think to do.
An evil that no hero could possibly oppose.
An evil that would grip the heart of all that is good and claim it for the darkness.
Advertising.
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“Are you in desperate need of labor and don’t know where to find it?”
“Does no one want to work for you no matter how many job offerings you post?”
“Are workplace safety violations bringing your productivity down?”
“Well have we got news for you! Now announcing Carl’s Posthumous Employment Inc! Efficient, cost-effect, sustainable labor solutions for the modern company.”
“At CPE Inc, our Necrostaffers work tirelessly raising you the finest labor money can buy. Our beasts of burden can be leased at a fraction of the cost of traditional labor, yet will give you three times the hours! They’ll work all day every day without complaint! They can be used for hazardous jobs with no risk of injury to any of your valued employees! And the productivity and quality of their labor will never drop due to fatigue or stress! They’ll follow every order you give the moment you give it and they never break policy under any circumstances!”
“And Necrolaborer comes in countless, personalized designs for your specific needs! Watch as our Necro-elephants lift the heaviest of burdens with ease! No more maintenance for that expensive liftfork! The Necro-elephant can manage all your warehouse needs without any sort of complicated certifications or risk of crashing! And best of all, should the Necro-elephant break down, our Necrostaffers can immediately recycle it into a new model! Minimal downtime, maximum profit!”
“Looking for something more precise? Our Necro-monkeys have all the dexterity required for any sort of precision job! And their unwavering focus means no mistakes, no deviations! And no trying to figure out what went wrong with that complicated machine! You say jump and they jump! And with our latest model, we can promise a 99% reduction in fecal flinging!”
“Order now and we’ll even include our special package deal: the Necro-dinosaur! Whether you want one of our security Necro-Raptors, the Necro-Brontosaurus for mass hauling, or a Necro-Pterodon for aerial maneuvering no drone can match, everyone will know that your company has made no compromise in its efficiency.”
“CLE Inc. Efficient. Cost-Effective. Sustainable. Modern labor for a modern world.”
“Restrictions apply, not available in all regions. Please use Necro-Laborers only as intended. CLE Inc. is not liable for accidental injury, dismemberment, death, infection, disease, pest infestations, zombie apocalypses, law enforcement activity, vigilante justice, military strikes, or hero raids as a result of improper use of Necro-Laborers. Please consult all relevant local laws regarding the use of posthumous labor before ordering. CLE Inc. is not liable for any litigation that may result from illegal use of Necro-Laborers.”
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“Muahahahahaha!”
A pitch black screen.
“Are Devilish Tamales too weak for you?”
Smoke began to rise.
“I’ve done it, I’ve finally done it!”
Red liquid boiled in beakers and test tubes.
“Are you looking for something truly hot?”
A man in a lab coat hunched over a workstation, his back to the camera.
“And now, nothing can stop me!”
“Do you want something more spicy? More terrifying? Something…evil?”
“Then look no further.”
The wall of a restaurant exploded. Dr. Magnificent Magma stepped through the hole, an evil laugh rolling off his tongue.
“Dr. Magnificent Magma has come to town, and he’s taking over your local Taco King!”
Dr. Magnificent Magma hoisted a huge, teched out cannon. A red beam launched out, striking the Taco King menu where Devilish Tamales were displayed. When the beam ceased the Tamales were gone. And in their place…
“And now no one can stop him from unleashing his Magma Enchiladas upon the world! Your tastebuds will tremble and despair as this molten madness steals your heart, for evil!”
“Will a hero rise up who can handle the heat? Or will you too, fall to these truly evil levels of spicy deliciousness?”
Dr. Magnificent Magma turned to the camera, his arms spread, palms facing the sky as he laughed.
“And now I challenge you! All who believe themselves ‘heroes’, all who think they can handle the heat, just try and stop my Magma Enchiladas! And when you fail, tremble and despair as my Magnificent Magma Sauce brings you to your knees! Muahahaha!”
“Magma Enchiladas, two for $5.99. Available for a limited time at your local Taco King. Offer not available in Alaska or Hawaii."
—————————————————————————————————————
Dark hair flowed gracefully in the breeze.
“Elegant.”
Red eyes narrowed on their target.
“Dangerous.”
A chitinous claw rested upon a smiling face.
“Sublime.”
A spiderwoman stood resolute, glowing with a mysterious purple aura.
“Powerful.”
She turned to the camera and raised her hand.
“When you need to catch him in your web.”
A bottle slowly lowered into her hand, carried by a silk thread.
“When you want power and beauty in equal measure.”
Arachnalich held the bottle up near her face, making a predatory smile.
“The Spider’s Kiss. The perfume for powerful, dangerous women.”
“Because no one can escape the spider’s web.”
“And cut!”
Archnalich frowned and immediately tossed the bottle at one of the surrounding staff, waving her hand by her nose.
“Ew. People pay how much for that stuff? And here I thought I was evil.”
She shook her head and heaved a sigh. At least it was over now…
Her assistant walked up to her.
“Excellent work, Mistress Arachnalich.”
Arachnalich crossed her arms, puffing up her chest.
“Of course, it was mere child’s play for me. Where were you, anyways, Linda?”
Linda nodded her head and scrolled on a tablet.
“My lunch break. And since the filming only took you fifty takes, we’re just in time to make your three’o’clock!”
Arachnalich froze.
“Linda…what did you say?”
“Let’s hurry, we shouldn’t keep the prime minister waiting.”
“B-But…what about my lunch? My break?”
“Unfortunately, we’ll have to reschedule that. I’ve prepared a protein shake you can drink on the way there.”
Arachnalich bent over, clutching the sides of her face.
“No way…this can’t be…”
“Come along Mistress, as leader of the AVS you can’t be arriving late to the negotiations. I have an emotional breakdown period scheduled for you later tonight.”
“I HATE THIS! I HATE YOU, BOB! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”
Linda simply smiled as she pulled Arachnalich towards the garage.
“Oh Mistress, you should be grateful. This isn’t even half of what the Director’s schedule used to be.”
“THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AT ALL!”
Author’s Note:
The horror. Who can possibly save us from this evil? The fiends!
Now excuse me, I need to see if there are any Necro-writers available...
Anyways!
Can any hero stop the evils of villain advertising? Are Necro-Laborers available in your region? Can anyone survive the terror of the Magma Enchiladas? Will Arachnalich’s new perfume line catch hearts worldwide? Tune in next time, to find out!
