Luke Everhart
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Chapter 84 - The Yearning
🕑 Added 2024-11-23 09:42:12 +0000 UTCKur nodded at Nar and Jul as they took a seat in the circle. The orange light tinted everything, and made the shadows in their faces appear deeper than they were. It gave them all a grim, grave look.
Nar noticed that Kur had chosen to sit with his back to the big open space behind them, rather than sit with his back to the wall or to the Pressure room.
He’s something else, isn’t he? Nar thought, hiding a smile. All of them are, aren’t they?
Kur raised a hand to get everyone’s attention.
“Right. Let’s get to it,” he said. “We’ve made it to the end of the corridor, but for now, it looks like we’re stuck here.”
“We need to use our [Aura] again,” Tuk said, casting a glance to the orange room behind him. “And a lot of it by the looks of it.”
“A whole lot more,” Cen said. “More than we ever did. Much more than what we used to cross that barrier.”
Kur nodded. “That seems to be the case considering how Jul got burned. The Pressure barrier we walked through during our escape burned us, but it was slow and gradual. It gave us time to use our [Aura]. However, both me, Viy and Gad had to be helped across. Here, I don’t think that’s going to be possible. I believe it’s a fair assessment to say that this Pressure is many times stronger than any we’ve faced so far, and it will require a lot more from us. Especially, since we can’t even see the end of the room, there’s a very real possibility that we'll even need to sleep under that Pressure.”
“Us? Use [Aura] while sleeping?” Tuk asked. “Crystal. It's hard enough awake! Is that even possible?”
“It doesn’t just have to be more [Aura], though,” Gad said.
With her arms folded, she sat to Kur’s left.
“It could be that we need to do something different. Or maybe, better. It could be a whole new way of using [Aura] for all we know, just like Cen has been saying…”
“Yes! That could be true!” Cen said. Her eyes twinkled at the possibility.
Cen spent every waking moment, walking or resting, dedicated to figuring out a way to fix their [Aura] use. She had become more and more convinced that just like they had forgotten everything about what lay beyond the doors of the cubeplant, that they had also forgotten how to properly use [Aura]. And even what [Aura] actually was…
However, in the month of since their escape, with successive trials and errors, experiments, theories and discussions, she was no closer to figuring it out. Perhaps here was her chance to finally do so.
“But how are we going to do that?” Mul asked. He sat to Kur’s right. “Just grab our [Aura] and step into the room? Hope for the best?”
“Maybe,” Kur said, shrugging. “Maybe we just need to push it onto our weapons, as we have been, and then see what happens.”
“That sounds crazy,” Rel said.
Kur chuckled mirthlessly. “When has anything on this Climb ever not been crazy? Anyways, the Pressure is only our first problem. The second one is that our path ends here.”
They all turned to look for their faithful yellow path, but in the distance, it was invisible, swallowed by the more brighter orange light.
“Do you sense anything, Jul?” Gad asked.
Jul shook her head.
“I sense nothing at all from inside that room. Not even my [Instinct] warned me about the Pressure,” the rogue said.
“That’s not a reason to be worried at all,” Mul grunted. “Any chance that the barrier is just right by the entrance, and all that orange is just coloring the room behind it?”
Everyone turned to look at him and the brawler shrugged. “A guy can hope, no?”
“Either way, assuming it’s not just a short barrier, and that the path springs up on the other side… And instead, assuming the worst like always happens,” Kur said. “We are either just meant to walk in a straight line, and not get lost, or, that there are multiple ways out of the room and we just need to find one of them. Remember what happened after the Sentry fight? The exit could take us up or down, just as much as being on any side of that room.”
“Could be,” Gad said. “So, we have Pressure, a hard-to-find exit, and the chance of ending up lost. And under all that Pressure, there’s no telling how long we’re going to last for. Nor if there will be something in there with us…”
Nar nodded in agreement.
The thought of being the only one who couldn’t do use his [Aura] yet kept him from speaking. Though it was going to come sooner or later.
“Since that’s decided, we just need to decide who’s going in first,” Mul said, gruffly. “I volunteer.”
“What? No!” Cen said, shocked. “I have more [Aura] than you. I should go!”
Mul looked at Nar, and Nar’s heart sank.
“Well, in that case, Nar should go first. He has the most out of all of us.”
Nar swallowed hard. “I…”
“Mul, stop! Nar hasn’t learned how to use it yet!” Cen snapped at him
“Hasn’t or refuses to?”
Nar looked down, unable to look the brawler in the eye. He was much more frustrated with his lack of progress that with Mul’s understandable logic and evident concern for his sister.
“Mul, enough,” Cen said, her tone dangerously low. “I have the best control here. I’ve spent the most time looking into [Aura] and I want to understand this more than anyone here. I will go!”
“He still needs to learn to use it, or he’ll be stuck here forever!” Mul shouted back. “Maybe this is his best chance! The push he needs!”
“Mul, let’s figure out what we need to do first,” Kur said. “I wish I could go in myself, instead of Cen. But she’s right. She knows more of [Aura] than any of us, and has the best chance at figuring out what we need to do.”
“So you’re just going to let her burn herself, when there’s someone here sitting at 70 fucking points of [Aura]?” the brawler asked.
Cen stood up, and looked down at her brother. Her fists shook tightly at her sides.
“Mul,” she whispered. “Shut up. I’m going. I’m the best for the job.”
“But…”
“I said that’s enough!”
The sudden shout made them all jump.
“Let it go,” Cen said, breathing hard.
Mul inhaled sharply, and looked like he wanted to hold his position. But something on Cen’s eyes made him reconsider, and he looked away, defeated.
“Fine. But I’ll be right there, ready to pull you out. And I am pulling you out, Cen! At the first sign of trouble, I’m getting you out and I don’t care what you say!” the brawler said.
Cen nodded with a firm, tight jerk of her head. “I expect nothing less.”
She looked at Nar and offered him a bright smile, holding his eyes with hers for a good two seconds, to convey the message. Then, she turned to Kur.
“Will I try right now?”
Kur considered the orange room, then the darkness from where they had come.
“Not today, I think. Your shoulder is still injured, and so is Nar. Let’s take a rest tonight, and see where we are tomorrow. There’s no telling if we’re going to be attacked or not again, though my bet is on yes, so I’d rather everyone heal and rest for today.”
“Got it.”
He swept them all with a glance.
“Come on people. Eat something and try to get some sleep. Who wants to take the first watch?”
Nar was about to raise his hand, so that he could at least be useful in some way. However, considering his injured state, Kur would definitely just tell him to sleep, invalidating his gesture and making him look even more useless.
“I’ll do it!” Tuk said, raising his arm cheerfully. “I’m not hurt.”
“I’ll stay up, too,” Mul muttered.
“Thank you,” Kur said, nodding at both of them. “As for the rest of you, sleep! If nothing happens tonight, we’ll try that Pressure tomorrow and see what’s what.”
*********
Nar sat a few feet away from the others.
With his back turned to the gaping orange darkness behind him, he stared at the light show in the endless room.
His [Hearing] and [Smell] were stretched out to their max, ignoring his pounding headache. And so was his [Sight], as he tried to peer as far as he could see into the room that stretched before him.
He wasn’t too concerned about his back. His [Hearing] or [Instinct] would catch on to any enemies, and since his [Instinct] wasn’t even something he could control, that left him with a lot of margin to get lost in his own thoughts.
He was really starting to get sick of it. The whole [Aura] thing.
No, he realized. I’ve been sick of it for a long time now.
Sick of having to learn it, and sick of the bemoaning inside his own head about it.
It made him feel like he was helpless. Weak. Like he couldn’t do anything at all.
Neither could he refuse using [Aura] nor could he use it either. Always the pain stopped him. And it was a real pain. His lost HP points were an undeniable proof of that. But between that pain, and the guilt, and fear of having to listen to the sort of words Mul had thrown at him today, he preferred to take the pain.
Yet, something always stopped him. More than just pain… It was a feeling that something was wrong. So, so wrong.
It was so strong that he had to stop. And it was so strong… Stronger even than the pain and even the guilt that it always stopped him from pressing harder, and he couldn’t even marshal any will against it.
It was almost as though something else was stopping him.
What do you want from me, Crystal? I’m screwed if I do, and screwed if I don’t. If You want me to use this damn [Aura] then just let me use it!
He noticed the sudden approach of footsteps, and looked towards the party.
Rel stumbled towards him, and without thinking, he reached out a hand to help her. She took it without a word and dropped at his side.
“Thank you,” she said, in a raspy voice.
Her breathing was shallow and labored, and a sheen of sweat covered her face. Their brief touch had been burning hot and clammy, and she looked paler, her face and hair looking more ravaged by the day.
Nar frowned at her.
“You need to sleep. You’ll get too weak, and be a burden to the party,” he said.
Rel chuckled and coughed.
“You don’t have to try and be mean,” she said, in a strained voice that still managed to convey her humor. “It’s not in you, and I know you’re just worried. I’m okay, so don’t worry.”
Nar felt heat spread through his cheeks and back of his neck.
“You should still try to sleep. It might help,” he said.
She shook her head. “I don’t want to.”
“Nightmares?” he asked.
“Yes and no,” she breathed. “I’m scared of sleeping. Scared it won’t be me who wakes up...”
Nar looked away from her.
He pursed his lips, considering his next words. On whether to speak, or to stay quiet. But in the end, what in pile? What was the worst that could happen? She got mad?
“Rel, I’m sorry, but what is happening to you?” he asked, without preamble.
A tremor, a spasm, went through her, and came out of her mouth in a shaky laugh.
“Ah. I’ve been waiting for one of you to ask that,” she said, her voice cracking. “After seeing what you told Jul, I thought it’d be you. Took you long enough.”
“Oh… I-I’m sorry! I didn’t know if it was something I…”
“I’m joking Nar. Relax” she said, patting him weakly on the arm. “I didn’t need to talk about it with anyone.”
Nar searched her blank, blanched face for the truth of those words, but he couldn’t tell.
“We call it the Yearning,” she whispered.
“Yeah… Tas mentioned it.”
It was an unfamiliar word, and it continued to mean nothing to him.
“It means to yearn for something,” she explained. “To want something really badly. More than life. More than anything.”
Nar stared at her, stunned. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, but it was not that.
“So, you want something?” he asked, confused. “What is it?”
She sighed. “I don’t know. None of us do. The only thing we know is that we can only find it on the surface.”
“The O-Nex?”
“Yes.”
Nar nodded slowly. “And this Yearning, it makes you sick?”
She scoffed.
“It would be better for me to start at the beginning, I suppose. It’ll make more sense.”
She took a deep breath and leaned back on her hands, and stared out at the infinite orange.
“In my cubeplant, we alfin are cursed with the Yearning. It can hit us at any age, young or old, man or woman. You never know when it will start, only that one day it will come for you. We spend our childhood fearing it, and as you grow up, that fear turns to resignation. We live our whole lives waiting for it to take us. Most of us just accept it as our deserved punishment.”
She made a lazy wave, as if throwing something away.
“You know what workers are like. We suffer because we sinned. And if the alfin suffer even more, then that just means the alfin have sinned even more. Our punishment is even harsher because of that.”
Nar’s eyes took on a distant look. It all hit too close to home.
“Did the others hate you for it?” he asked, in a low tone.
“Hate? Why would they? They pitied us,” she said. “They did their best to help us. To be understanding. We alfin have no idea what we did to deserve this punishment, just like they don’t know what they did either. We’re all the same, except we alfin have it even worse. That’s all there is to it.”
I wish the workers in our cubeplant had thought of it like that, Nar thought, bitterly.
“The Yearning makes us want to get out of the cubeplant,” Rel continued, ignorant of the thoughts and memories that flooded Nar’s mind. “It makes us want to Climb. Makes us want to reach for something beyond the B-Nex. Something outside, on the surface. We don’t know what it is, only that we need it. Need it the same way we need to eat. No! The same way we need to breathe! If you’re lucky, it hits you young enough. And suddenly, the Climb doesn’t seem so scary, or such a bad idea after all. If not, that’s it. You can fight it. You can try to discipline it. Or you can pray. But without fail we all end up…”
“Dying?” he whispered, when she hesitated.
She stared at him.
“Kind of. There’s only two ways things end. You either kill yourself or someone needs to do it for you.”
A shiver ran down his spine. “Why?”
“When you want something so strongly that it becomes the very core of who you are, and your every waking moment is dedicated to thinking about it, and ways to get or resist it, your self is slowly eroded away,” she said. “The want. The need! It’s so much that it makes us sick. It kills us, yes, but in most cases, we kill ourselves first. The need is so strong that it gets to the point where we cannot live without it. So we stop eating. Stop sleeping. And wait for the end.” She shrugged. “Sometimes that means jumping into the Pile. Or bashing our skulls open against the Doors, screaming for them to open… Well, that’s how my aunt went. It happens so often that they don’t even bother cleaning up the Doors anymore.”
“Crystal…” Nar couldn’t help saying.
“Yes. Well, it’s still better than the other alternative.”
Nar didn’t want to ask, but he couldn’t help not to. “Which is?”
“The Yearning makes you lose yourself, bit by bit, and eventually, there’s nothing left of you, except the need and the want. And you become a danger to yourself and others. And you need to be put down.”
Nar felt the color drain from his face.
“And there’s no…”
“Cure? Solution? No. There’s nothing, except to Climb. If you can, and want, that is.”
“Wouldn’t everyone want to Climb then?” Nar asked, horror twisting his face. “If you know it's coming…”
Rel laughed.
“What about the workers in your cubeplant? Do they all leave? No, of course not. The Climb is certain death. Painful, horrible death. We all heard the stories about the Pressure, the cannibals, the guardians, and of the endless darkness,” she said, gesturing at the darkness behind them. “Workers hope to see the day they are forgiven, and alfin hope for the same. But more than that, they hope that the Yearning will hit them when they are old. When they’ve lived enough.”
“Is that even called living? An entire life of fear?” Nar asked. “It could be so much better in the O-Nex!”
“Can it? I hope so, but that’s all I have,” she said, shaking her head. “Hope and stories of light and color, and food and pleasures that are endless.”
“It’s real!” Nar said, speaking louder than he had intended.
“I hope it is. We’re all here, aren’t we? We left all that we knew behind, and now all we can do is hope that whatever we find, if we make it there, will be worth it!”
“Nothing could be worse than living your life at that machine!” Nar shouted.
“The cannibals didn’t get to play with you, or you wouldn’t be saying that,” she whispered.
Her words stole the breath from his lungs, and killed anything he might have been about to say.
In the orange light and seated in that vast open space, Rel looked so small. So frail. It was hard to believe that the scarred person seated next to him was the same age as him. Hard to believe and understand what she had gone through, both Climbing with a failing body and the Yearning in her mind, and then falling at the hands of the cannibals.
She has had it bad. Way worse than me…
“Rel, I…”
“Don’t. I can see it on your face,” she said, glaring at him. “I saw it on all of their faces. I don’t need pity, Nar. Not anymore. I’m here, and I’m going to find the cure! Or at least, I’ll die on my own terms.”
Nar closed his mouth and nodded. What could he say to that?
He was still curious about something though. One more, heavy question to ask.
“The Yearning… Is that why you hurt yourself? Does it… Help? Or is it because of… What you did?”
Rel stared at him, her eyebrows arched in disbelief.
“Crystal! You’re just speaking your mind, aren’t you? Or is it that you actually hate me?”
“What? No! I just… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that!”
“It’s fine,” she said. “We Climb together. We need to know about each other’s… Weaknesses.”
“No! I didn’t mean…”
“Sush. I already said it’s fine. And someone needs to know… The truth is, I won’t always be so in control,” she said, and stared deeply at him. “Pain helps. It helps a lot. It brings me back when it looks like I’m about to fall over. It happens mostly at night. I wake up from the nightmares, and sometimes I just feel like running down the path. Or shouting at you guys to move faster. Or, or… Or do other things.”
“What things?” Nar whispered.
“I-I can’t say. I can’t…”
“It’s okay,” Nar said, quickly. “You don’t have too.”
She nodded and wiped away at her eyes. “But you asked two questions.”
“Uh…”
“You’re right. I do it to punish myself too…” she said, staring straight at the Pressure. “At first, I was forced to use arrows made of bone. And cannibals aren’t good at making things. The arrows were sharp and splintered and painful to use, but I liked it. I deserved the pain! I deserved worse!”
She closed her eyes.
“Do you have any idea how many Climbers we tricked?” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “And now I get to walk away and Climb as if nothing even happened? As if I didn’t kill and torture people? I may not have been the one to do it… I may have never hurt anyone, but I made it possible. I’m a sinner. I deserve the punishment. I deserve to suffer! Even the Yearning is not punishment enough for what I did!”
A loud sob shook her whole body and she scrambled to her feet.
Nar dashed forward and grabbed her by the wrist.
“Let go!” she said, tears falling freely down her marred face.
“You don’t have to do this!”
She twisted her arm free with a snarl.
“Don’t tell me what to do!”
She stomped away, towards the darkness, and ignored all the startled looks from the party. As she walked, she pulled out one of her arrows from her inventory, and tightened her first around its sharp end.
He could smell her blood from where he sat, and could do nothing but watch her go, her orange shadow growing immense ahead of her, as she disappeared into the dark.
