androinz
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Sorry (Personal, Maybe Buzkiller To Some)
🕑 Added 2022-06-21 00:03:41 +0000 UTCTLDR: I'm depressed & there will be stuff other than a simple bl*wjob, in the Old Thank You Scene Remake.
First of all, I'm sorry if this is a buzzkiller to some... But I felt I had to lay it all out for honesty.
I know I was too late with Night Ride and now it's also taking too much time to release the remake for the Old Thank You Scene with Ellie.
I don't want to drag this out so... I will directly say that I'm at a point in life that I have no reason to wake up in the morning for the last 6-7 years. I just... I have nothing to wake up to. And I will quickly say that it's not because I'm an asocial "incel," with 23418954331547 kgs of weight and I'm not wearing a fedora... I had to say this because of memes. Since most of you noticed I'm pretty "based," and a chill guy. And irl I think I got good social skills. I'm not weird, please believe me :D
Anyways, I went to a physiatrist 3 months ago... Or a psychologist? I don't know, the one who can prescribe medicine... And I got diagnosed with major depression, which I knew already.
I honestly didn't care about it before, I just knew that I had to survive and at one point I was going to be fine... Those were my thoughts. My background is kinda similiar to Guts, in terms of sexual stuff :D And the effects of it was so bad irl when you combine it with all the other problems of a teenager... You know, parents, money, school, ex gf etc. Finally I just ended up like this and learned to live like this.
You guys and gals changed my life. Even if it's p*rn I managed to do something interesting, I managed to show my creativity and my passion. I was getting money for doing something I genuinely cared for.
But life is brutal sometimes. With this support & money, I felt hope... Which then got crushed with reality. I no longer feel anything cheerful. I'm just pretending, coping... I always have this thick, heavy, dark coc- feeling on me :D
Ehm... On my chest, it's getting unbearable and when I see some of my friends happy... I want the best for them but I also feel sad, I want to feel like that again... The past events no longer have an active impact on me but... It just broke my subconscious apparently, due to what my doctor says. I just can't feel other than sadness. I want to be happy but I have no control over it anymore... I just can't. It's just sadness all over me no matter what I think.
So yeah... That's what I'm going through. I did my best to upgrade the quality of my life by stop smoking, I'm currently trying to help a friend of mine who is a cancer-survivor to gain money from VaM, I'm going out & trying to find the ultimate nice girl who can also handle my hornyness at the same time....
But I'm feeling very suicidal. Which is also complicated. I don't want to live like this anymore but this is my only chance in life so I have to keep going no matter how bad it feels. I want to believe that in the end I will be happy and su*cide means I will miss that chance.
I'm sorry guys & gals. I don't want to spoil your fun but I really, really had to lay it out. I don't want to look like I'm milking money.
And be sure that I'm doing my best with the remake of the Old Thank You Scene. There will be stuff other than a simple bl*wjob.
Comments
creamypushy
I've been listening to Jordan Peterson and Lex Fridman a lot recently, and it's helped me with my growth- still learning, and have a long way to go - everyone's different, but might be something to look into to get a new perspective and learn some things along the way. Any case - hope you're feeling better soon and that you find your rhythm and something that makes you excited for a new day again. Much love in the meantime. (edit: I had a roommate who followed through with what you're talking about, and I'm still mad at him for doing it. There's no knowing what's on the other side of this, I know for a fact we would have had more good times together, I would have seen him succeed in his endeavors, be there when he failed, and help each other grow. If you're not already in the position to be that for someone, don't deny the chance of it happening. I believe in you buddy. Life is all we have.)
Neko
It's SUPER important to talk honestly like this, even admitting to self-destructive thoughts. Please don't stop seeing the mental health person, and if you can do some online therapy in addition, it will help. Just know your work means a lot to many people, including me. If you need to take a break from this, go ahead, but know we are all here waiting for you. It sucks what you are going through, but you are not alone. I highly recommend playing Death Stranding: Director's Edition. Many people with depression have said that game gave them hope.
Moroda Raye
Miss you man!
