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Undying Empire: B1 — 24. The Spider Family

🕑 Added 2020-02-26 05:53:25 +0000 UTC

Comments

SME

Thank you, just updated those changes. =)) I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was a fun one to write but took longer than some of my normal chapters.

Denis Dube

Love this chapter. Elinor shows some leadership and the interactions between characters was spot on. Also Camellia calling Violet a sedentary web fanatic was just funny. As was Violet getting excited enough to jump and cause small quakes. Never expected the spiders to transform into humans though. That's going to provide some serious nightmare fuel for Gwen and any other humans they rescue in the future when they go from hot/cute femme fatale to arachnaphobia on sterioids. One last thing that got me was Edmon saying "I am working with the Fodder to strengthen our defenses". Really now Edmon, don't think too highly of them. Hah. Suggestions: * Edmon hummed, "Edmon’s hum lowly within their minds." * about instead of upon, "her own abilities and knowledge upon Elinor and the Empire." * Reword a bit: "I can accomplish this simple with my web" * From context, expecting plural of daughter: "Iris turned her glowing red irises onto her daughter with a slight frown. “I see little harm, but Camellia, Azalea, Violet …" * Awkward since natural abilities are not normally built, "Humans are naturally weak, we haven’t built all the natural abilities many species have developed to survive"


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