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🕑 Added 2015-08-29 20:19:34 +0000 UTC http://archiveofourown.org/works/3758857/chapters/10690622Regina closed her eyes. She had to force it, but for a half-second she was with him, with Daniel. Almost remembering the way he’d looked at her. She’d taken it for granted back then. Allowed herself to gloss over it like it wasn’t important, like it was just like how she looked at him, when it was so much more.
She kissed him. Her hands pressed to his body. No warmth, but the clothing hid that fact well enough, and she could want it enough to make herself not notice. Quiet her busy mind. She reached down, toward his cock, the signal. She knew she couldn’t stay.
“Well, well. Is this what I pay for you to do at boarding school?” Mother. Regina didn’t bother remembering how she’d found out, the circumstances, the trap she’d laid. None of it mattered. Back then, as now, Mother was inescapable. Her being there was inevitable, a curse Regina never could figure out how to break. “Or perhaps it’s what you’re paid to do. Is that it? Does a little extra cash buy your hand, your mouth? Of course. Why not? It’s not as if you want to use them for an education, the family business, so why not make yourself a whore instead? And a cheap one, at that. Clearly this boy can’t afford you. He can’t even afford a proper haircut. Fine.”
Mother drew out her wallet, a swath of bills, flung them against Regina’s face. Regina was trying to make herself numb, put herself at the point beyond tears, but Mother knew how to tear open all the old scars and get in under Regina’s skin.
“There. That should be enough. Down, Regina.” Mother pushed. She forced Regina down, forced her head toward Daniel like it was some repulsive thing she wished to disgust him with. “Down on your knees. Put it in your mouth and suck—“
“Apples,” Regina said, like the sound one would make after being punched in the gut, and just like that, Mother was gone, it was Emma, out of the trenchcoat, now with her simple slacks, her jersey top, ushering Regina out of the room and away from the mannequin, away from the dildo, into a room where music played and the windows were open, the light came from the sun and she could breathe, she could breathe…
Emma got Regina down on the couch, fingers to her pulse like maybe Regina was having a heart attack, how absurd, then realizing Regina might not want to be touched—but Regina put her hand over Emma’s, the simple gesture enough to convince Emma she wanted to be held, needed to be held. Emma settled behind her, arms around Regina, wishing she couldn’t feel Regina’s heart fluttering so fast. Wished she didn’t see Regina’s eyes focused on the door they’d come through, like she was afraid something would follow…
More than anything, Emma wanted to tell Regina she was safe, that she was loved, that everything would be okay and Regina had years and money and miles and Emma between her and anything of her mother. Wanted to push her own breathing, her simple state of normalcy, into Regina like a shot from a needle. But she couldn’t say anything. Knew Regina had to withdraw from it on her own, so she just held Regina until the warmth of her body and the evenness of her breath permeated whatever hell Regina had fallen into.
Finally, finally, Regina put her hand upon Emma’s again. Her breathing was calm. Her heartbeat mirrored Emma’s own. She shuffled away from Emma, rising up to sit on the edge of the couch, and though Emma wanted to reach out to her, assure herself one more time that Regina’s body wasn’t about to burn itself out, she too drew herself up and sat opposite Regina. The little couch crowded, the music playing softly like it didn’t know what to say either.
“What is this?” Regina asked. She fixed her hair by touch alone, which would impress Emma on any other occasion. “It’s not a radio station, is it?”
“iPod. It’s some Italian opera. Of some sort.”
“Italian opera?”
“Like in The Shawshank Redemption. I thought it’d be soothing.”
“That’s… considerate,” Regina said, sounding genuinely bemused. “I think that’ll be enough for today…”
“Ya think?” Emma asked, unable to keep a little crack out of her voice.
Regina turned her head, stopped, then convinced herself she was able to face Emma. Her eyes were warm and liquid, and half-hidden under her downcast face and curled hair. “Have I offended you somehow? Did you think I was kidding about what I wanted the session to entail?”
“That’s not it and you know it. You can’t do that,” Emma said gently. “Wait like that. I could tell, I could tell, it was getting too much for you—“
Regina shook her head. “Just from hearing a few parroted lines…”
“It was who you were hearing them from, Regina—“
“I was hearing them from you.”
“No, you weren’t. You were there, I could see it, and you were about to have a panic attack—“
“So I gave you the safe word, like I’m supposed to…”
“You should’ve given me the safe word the moment I walked into the room.”
Regina scoffed. “Do you think I’m that weak?”
“It’s not weakness, Regina, it’s a vulnerability. Like an allergy or something. You’re not weak for having an allergy…”
Regina stood, hands stuffed in her pockets, and she worked her elbows around like that tiny bit of motion wasn’t indicative of a burgeoning mass of energy she was barely keeping in her body. She took a half-step, cracked her neck, and sighed. “I was wrong. We should try again.”
“Regina, that’s not—“
Regina faced her and the full force of her gaze almost took Emma’s breath away. “You think you’re stirring up old memories? You’re not. They’re always with me. They stay. But with you, I can—I have other memories. I can remember it now and know what it was like to stop it. That helps. You have no idea how much it helps. If I just drown out what really happened… with you…”
“I don’t know if it works like that,” Emma said, putting all her sweetness into her voice, knowing Regina wouldn’t be able to stand it in her words.
“It’s better. I’m better. I can talk about it. There was a Daniel, and Cora did catch us together, but he ran off before she could make me.” Regina was short of breath. She pressed on. “But I would’ve, do you understand? This is the first time I said stop. Whatever that counts for, it doesn’t feel…” Regina’s hands came out of her pockets. Clenched into fists so white and so tight, Emma was surprised there wasn’t blood pooling where her nails dug into the heels of her hands. “It just doesn’t.”
“And I am so happy to give you whatever… peace I can, but it feels like such a thin line between putting those memories to rest and, giving you over to them. I don’t trust myself to know the difference, not with you—“
“You’re doing fine,” Regina assured her.
“It’s not just me. You have to be careful, Gina. I know you want to fight like hell, you always fight like hell, but you need to back off before you get to the cliff. Not when your feet are slipping, but before you can even look over the edge.”
“What if I’m always on the cliff?” Regina asked quietly.
“Don’t,” Emma told her. “Don’t tell me that things aren’t good with me and Henry, that you aren’t good—“
“You think I walk toward it, and I walk away from it. I walk alongside the cliff. Sometimes I walk with you and Henry and I can barely see the edge. And sometimes I walk…” As if she were on a ledge, Regina put one foot in front of the other, heel to toe, measuring out every step.
Emma felt an irrational urge to pull her away from a fall that wasn’t there. “All I care about is that you’re safe. And all I want from you is that you do whatever you can to be safe, to let me know when it’s too much for you…”
“It’s always too much for me. I just keep going anyway.” Regina sat back down. She looked exhausted, suddenly, all her energy gone in a slump of her shoulders. Emma wished she understood how just talking about something could suck the life out of Regina. And at the same time she was glad she didn’t.
“Damn right you do. But you don’t have to, you can tell me.”
“Fine. Then I’m telling you, I’m ready for more. I’ll stop when I feel… when I feel it’s time. I won’t take any unnecessary risks. Promise.”
“The moment you’re out of your comfort zone,” Emma insisted. “Don’t push your limits. Always remember that you’re in control, and we’re here so you can exercise that control. Okay?”
Regina smiled weakly. “This is revenge for everything I put you through while you were pregnant with Henry, isn’t it?”
Emma smirked. “Quiet, you.”
“The yoga, right? You always hated the yoga…”
“’Emma, your baby will slip right out. You’ll barely notice the labor pains.’ Why I like my yoga instructors female.”
“Nothing to do with the pants?” Regina teased.
“Come on. Let’s get this show on the road. I do have other clients, you know.”
“Am I supposed to be jealous?” Regina stood, once more as full of imperious energy as ever. “I’m going to suck it this time, Emma. Even if you have to make me.”
Emma put a quick hand on her shoulder. “And if you can’t,” she said, “you just say so.”
“Mistress Swan, taking you to extremes as long as they’re not too extreme…” Regina looked at Emma’s hand, clearly expecting it to be removed by now.
Emma was in no hurry. She squeezed. “If you want to go there, we’ll get there. We just don’t have to today. Now, what’s the safe word?”
“Apples.”
“And when do you use it?”
“Whenever I want to.”
“Good girl,” Emma said, moving her hand off Regina’s shoulder to clap her on the cheek.
She turned back to the door, wondering where she’d left her Cora trenchcoat…
“Emma?”
“Yes?”
“The dildo… it is new, isn’t it?”
“Of course, Regina.”
“Good. I’ll be e-mailing you some specifics on how to clean it between sessions. You might want to think of extending that to the other… tools of the trade.”
Emma grinned at her. Regina’s Reginaness had long since become endearing. “Remember that time Henry got you a Dustbuster for Christmas and you used it to vacuum the vacuum?”
“The maid doesn’t wipe it down after she uses it, and I pay her extra to—“
“I pay her even more not to. When you notice, you get this look on your face like an anime. It’s adorable.”
Comments
Yay! Swan Queen update!! *hugs* Really enjoying the dynamics between Emma and Regina; this fic fascinates me and I look forward to seeing how the story unfolds. :)
