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Your Spider-Sense Can’t Tell You When A Diaper Needs Changing
🕑 Added 2015-09-09 21:50:01 +0000 UTChttp://archiveofourown.org/works/4765316
“Pete,” Tony said, “take it from someone who’s been in relationships with a lot more women than you. Dump the kid. Go out with your wife. Cherish the redhead.”
“Nah,” Peter said after some consideration.
“Guy!” Tony threw up his hands, pacing around the living room of Avengers Tower, which had become something of a daycare center to the newest member of the Parker family. “It’s been three months!”
And for three months, Peter and Mary Jane Parker had barely emerged from the Tower, excepting when MJ had a shoot or Peter was off on a mission with the Avengers. Luckily, it was summer, and Peter’s students weren’t missing him. But Peter no longer patrolled, only engaging ‘his’ supervillains when they were committing a crime, because as he knew them best, he was best equipped to stop them and considered it his responsibility.
Otherwise, three months had been spent babyproofing every floor of the Tower, doting over little baby May, bedtime stories, health check-ups, eagle-eyed attention to what May was putting in her mouth, diaper changing, stuffed animal battles, and occasionally even sleep.
Even Clint was starting to worry.
Steve stepped in. Even though Tony had insisted on taking point, as Peter’s surrogate big brother, Steve suspected Peter might take this better coming from the Living Legend of World War 2. “Peter, I’m aware of how you want to be a good father. Anyone would, in your position. But you have to let someone else watch May eventually, for your own peace of mind. You can’t be a good father, or mother for that matter, without a life of your own. You can’t watch May her whole life.”
“Counteroffer,” Peter said. “What if I just watch her until she turns sixteen or so and gets her own powers? Plus, then she’ll be able to watch Mary Jane for me. Right now I have to watch them both. It was pretty easy when MJ was pregnant, because they couldn’t get separated… the umbilical cord: nature’s leash.”
It’d been a while since Peter’d had any sleep. He’d had to fight Galactus with the other Avengers, then it was his turn to watch May.
“Won’t that get boring though?” Tony asked. “She’s a baby. I gotta think she won’t get interesting until object permanence kicks in.”
“Oh, no,” Peter disagreed. “She’s gonna get new teeth and hair, maybe a tattoo, I don’t know, I’m a little fuzzy on the timetable…”
Steve put an arm around Peter’s shoulders, not offended when Peter winced as if thinking of jerking May away from him. “At least talk it over with Mary Jane.”
“She’ll probably have something to say about her husband looking at another woman,” Tony put in.
***
“I think it’s a good idea,” Mary Jane said, confidently rocking May to sleep.
“But… honey…” Peter protested. “What about the Green Goblin? Or Doctor Octopus?”
“They’re in jail.”
“I have other villains. I’m not sure how I have so many people angry at me when all I try to do is stop bank robberies in Manhattan, but I have so many people angry at me.”
With May put down for the night, MJ drew Peter toward the bed. “Yes, and most of them are like the Shocker, right? They hate you, but mostly they just want to rob banks.”
“Yes.”
“And the Shocker’s a scumbag, but he isn’t really vile like Norman, is he? He might not even kill you, if he got the chance.”
“I’m not sure about that…” Peter protested vaguely as Mary Jane pulled him down onto the mattress.
“The Beetle wouldn’t have killed you. He’s a hero now, right?”
“Yeah,” Peter agreed, even vaguer, his tiredness catching up with him atop the soft pillow. He yawned.
“Okay, so maybe the Shocker would—but he probably wouldn’t kill me, would he?”
“No… probably not… you’re too cute for anyone to kill.”
“Exactly why Black Widow’s lasted so long without superpowers,” MJ agreed. “Okay, so some of your supervillains wouldn’t kill you, they’re not murderers, and even fewer would kill me—how many do you think would kill a baby?”
“Well…”
“Ringer. Do you think the Ringer would kill a baby?”
“No, he’s a class act, that guy.”
“The Spot?”
“…no.”
“The Grizzly?”
“No fair dipping into the villains who are animal-themed.” Peter’s eyes were closed, his body limp, it was only his concerned voice that still seemed to animate him, issuing out of pinched lips.
Mary Jane laid her head down on his chest, taking his hand as well. “There are some awful people in the world, Peter, and you’ve met more than your fair share. And when you were far too young to, at that. But you have a kind heart. You believe in people. Have a little faith that even the crooks wouldn’t deliberately set out to hurt our daughter. That’s just too mean for them.”
Mary Jane had a point. She tended to pull that trick on him. “I still wanna watch her. I don’t want May getting kidnapped or experimented on or… I don’t want anything to happen to her.”
“Peter, things are going to happen to her. Even if we’re there twenty-four-seven, she’s gonna stub her toe, she’s gonna lose some teeth, she’s gonna date a few jerks.”
Peter’s eyes popped open. “Wait, she’s going to date now? When did we agree on that?”
MJ planted her palm on his forehead and shoved him firmly down to the pillow. “Whatever happens to her, happens to us. We’re a family and we face it like a family. And I think this is about the strongest family our little girl could ask for. So maybe we let a few of May’s aunts and uncle shoulder the load too?”
“After a long nap,” Peter yawned.
“After a long nap,” Mary Jane confirmed.
***
“Alright, Peter, I’d like you to meet some people,” Steve said, leading Peter by the shoulder into the Tower’s living room, where a group of heroes were in the painstakingly cool poses they seemed to gravitate into when waiting around. Pose-offs, Peter thought of them, and tended to win with the upside-down yoga move.
“You know Sam,” he said, gesturing to the Falcon.
“Don’t know if you know this, but I’ve been Captain America,” Sam said. “So, two Captain Americas total.”
“And Bucky,” Steve gestured.
“I’ve also been Captain America,” Bucky said. “For longer. So, trois.”
“Natasha, of course.”
“I actually testified in front of Congress while disguised as Steve,” Natasha said. “So I’m like a fourth Captain America.”
“That doesn’t count,” Sharon said. “But I’m like an honorary Captain America, like Mrs. Captain America…”
“When did you get married?” Natasha insisted.
“We’re engaged to be engaged.”
Natasha said something in Russian that sounded rude, though in Russian, everything tended to sound rude.
Steve played peacemaker. “So we have multiple Captain Americas, who will all be making sure no supervillains get within a mile of Baby May.”
“Or Tony,” Natasha added.
“Or Tony.”
Peter was almost sullenly unconvinced. “And you all know how to feed her, change diapers, the emergency numbers…”
“I was a social worker,” Sam said. “I know a little something about responsibility.”
“I was a high-ranking intelligence agent,” Sharon said.
“I dated Clint,” Natasha said.
“Peter!” Mary Jane called from the hallway. “C’mon, we’re gonna be late!”
“Just a sec!” Peter called back. “Steve, I know you’re the Sentinel of Liberty and all, but—quick check that you’re not a Skrull?”
“Take it from me, he’s the real thing,” Bucky said. “Doesn’t have a Myspace account or anything.”
Peter wheeled on him. “Promise you won’t hold May with the metal arm?”
“Well… yeah…”
“In fact, maybe only Steve should hold her. And don’t put her down? Wait, how clean are those gloves, anyway? Have you washed those since you punched Hitler? I don’t want Hitler germs on my baby.”
“Parker!” MJ called. “Do you think Johnny Storm would take me out if I asked? I think he would!”
Peter looked frantically down the hall, then back to Steve. “Maybe use the shield as a bit of a crib—wait, what if I get a symbiote while I’m gone?”
Mary Jane came out of the hallway.
“Don’t let me hold May if I come back with a symbiote,” Peter said quickly. “Just do a quick check. Sonics or fire, remember—don’t go with fire. Just play some loud music and make sure I don’t freak out. Anything but Justin Bieber; that wouldn’t prove anything…”
Mary Jane looped her arm around his, looking up into his eyes with a hangdog expression. “Peter… are you sure you want to go? I don’t want you to go if—“
“I want to go,” Peter assured her. “It’s Captain America! If we can’t trust Captain America with our kid, who can we trust?” He thought about it a moment. “Hey, Nat, remember when we went to that alternate universe and met that big boy scout guy? With all the powers? And the cape?”
“You kids have fun,” Natasha said.
Mary Jane began dragging.
“Okay,” Peter relented, “we can check his availability the next time we go on a date.”
“Whatever you say, dear,” Mary Jane agreed, patting him on the cheek as they pulled away from Steve and Steve’s friends. “Got your camera?”
“Yeah.”
“The old one or the digital one?”
“Digital one, why?”
“I was thinking you could bring the old one instead. That new one uploads to the cloud.”
“So? Why wouldn’t you want our pictures backed up on the cloud?” Peter thought about it. “Mary. Jane. Watson. Parker. What exactly are you wearing under that dress?”
“I hardly think my friendly neighborhood Spider-Man has room to talk on that account…”
***
As soon as they were gone, Natasha spoke: “Gentlemen. I trust you all, but we need to be in agreement. We will never speak of what happens in this room. It will never leave these four walls. This will be our secret until the day we die.”
One by one, they all nodded. Then Natasha leaned in close to Baby May…
“OH MY GOD, LOOK AT HER WIDDLE CHEEKS!”
“HER FINGERS ARE SO SMALL! SO SMALLLLL!”
“SHE LOOKED AT ME, SHE LOOKED AT ME!”
“YOU’RE JUST A FAT LITTLE BABY, AREN’T YOU MAY PARKER? JUST A FAT LITTLE BA-BEY!”
May burped.
“AWWW!”
“AWWW!”
“AWWW!”
“AWWW!”
(A/N: And a thank you to George for suggesting this.)
