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🕑 Added 2016-01-11 23:14:09 +0000 UTC “She broke it, she broke it, she broke it!!!” Harley cried, finger pointed squarely at Selina, heel stomping with every repetition.“I did not,” Selina said with forced calm. “Pam, would you please control your pet? She’s spitting.”
“I’ll show you spit ya little—“
Ivy had no desire to see any more bodily fluids strewn around their shared hide-out than usual. She corralled Harley with a vine.
“Red!” Harley said, treating the lassoing vine like a big hug. “She broke it, she broke it, she broke it--!”
“Broke what?” Ivy demanded, tightening the lasso threateningly on Harley’s ribs.
Harley got the idea to calm down. “My vintage Y&K Voltron Dairugger Deluxe Die-cast with spring-loaded lion’s head and stickers, gold/brass color on the shoulders of the Black Lion, red on the back of the Blue Lion, silver cannon on the Yellow Lion, real kung-fu grip and built-in water gun and real flashing eyes!”
“Is that a vibrator?” Selina asked.
Harley took a deep breath and screeched “She used it to hold her whip!”
“Her hyena used my usual stand as a chewtoy. Only fair that I use her stupid toy as a whip stand.”
“My vintage Y&K Voltron Dairugger Deluxe Die-cast with spring-loaded lion’s head and stickers, gold/brass color on the shoulders of the Black Lion, red on the back of the Blue Lion, silver cannon on the Yellow Lion, real kung-fu grip and built-in water gun and real flashing eyes is not stupid! She broke it, she broke it, she broke—“
Ivy shoved the end of her tentacle into Harley’s mouth. “Then we’ll just get you a new one, Harl.” She pulled the vine away.
“I can’t get a new one, it’s a limited-run import from Korea that was recalled after some stupid kids stupid died and it turns into a remote-control car and, and—“
“So we’ll fix it.” Ivy fixed Selina with a look. “Won’t we, Selina?”
“Huh?” Selina pointedly checked her make-up in a nearby mirror. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”
“Careful, pussycat. You’re real close to having your tail pulled.”
“Yeah!” Harley cried. “Your tail pulled! Red, what’s that mean?”
“Shut up, Harl.”
Selina waved her hand dismissively. “Just give her some candy or let her stick something up your butt—anything to stop her from whining…”
Harley strained at the vine holding her back from Selina. “I am not whining! You’re whining!”
“Harl,” Ivy said gently, reeling Harley in and stroking her hair until she only seemed to be having a mild seizure. “There has to be something who can fix your—very important toy. We have people who build spaceships and robots; a toy can’t be too hard to fix—“
“They stopped making the microchip it runs on in 1982! It only accepts F batteries!”
“What’s an F… never mind. How about you take some of my new pheromones, go get someone, bring them here, they fix it, we give them some of the loot from Selina’s last job for their troubles, and we send them on their way.”
Selina hissed disparagingly.
“You’d really do that for me?” Harley asked, wide-eyed. “Let me borrow some of your pheromones?”
“I’m with Harley,” Selina said. “That does seem like a really bad idea.”
“Can it, cat! I’m sure Harley can handle the responsibility, can’t you Harl?”
Harley nodded frantically. “Sure thing! I’ll go and get the guy and come right back! I won’t get in any trouble, promise!”
“See, Selina? You forget Harley’s a doctor. She almost killed the Batman once.”
“We’ve all almost killed the Batman once.”
“Yeah?” Harley demanded. “How’d you almost kill ‘im? Gave ‘im a venereal disease?”
Selina unsheathed her claws. “How about I treat that dumb robot like you do all your other toys and shove it up your—“
“Enough!” Ivy cried. Going to her workbench, she picked up a percolating vial and shoved it into Harley’s hands. “Dab this on your sweat glands and you should have a few hours of being irresistible to men. And don’t give any to Selina. I don’t trust her with it.”
Selina retracted her claws. Then retracted her fingers. All but one.
“Bye-ya, kitty!” Harley called as she flounced off. “Hope I don’t come across Batsy-watsy while I’m even more irresistible than the use!”
Selina watched Harley skip out of the hide-out, already spritzing herself with the pheromones. “Is this gonna be one of those ‘the pheromones weren’t real, the magic was in you the whole time’ things?”
“No. Real pheromones. The next batch will even work on women.”
Selina sighed. “I’ll go sharpen my claws.”
“It’ll be fine,” Ivy insisted. “Harley graduated from Harvard, remember.”
“Didn’t she sleep with her professor?”
“You’re just sexist.”
