Ancilla L
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Class Notes: Predators and Red-Flags.
🕑 Added 2023-05-13 05:33:38 +0000 UTC
Predators and Red Flags.
Red Flags.
A red-flag is a warning system to signal an emergency or potential danger. It does not work as well when you start to use it to identify things you do not personally do not like. Red flags do not offer enough information by themselves.
How to get the most out of red-flags?
- Contextualise the red-flag.
- Investigate the red-flag.
- Place the red-flag within cultural context.
- Roleplay the red-flag.
- Avoid the dilution of the term.
Predators.
A predator is a person who:
-intends to do you harm
-refuses to take responsibility for it
-could be criminally-prosecuted for their behaviour (which, sadly, does not mean they would be convicted)
-has ulterior motives that are deliberately being kept from you
-deliberately manipulates you to the goal of getting what they want from you
-distorts your reality
-makes your expectations of safety seem unreasonable to make it easier for themselves to take advantage of you.
-makes you feel unsafe, refuses to recognise that they make you unsafe, compromises your safety on purpose or refuses to acknowledge it when your safety is accidentally compromised.
A predator is not:
-a person who is shitty partner and terrible at relationships (they’re still annoying and you can hate them and should probably leave them, but they aren’t predators, just shit people)
-a person who does not meet your societal, moralistic or personal standards of attraction.
-a stupid person (who are also still annoying and can absolutely be dangerous to you and themselves)
-a person in a shirt you do not like.
Types of Predators
Often we try to apply a broad brush which results in a narrow set of parameters through which we attempt to identify predators. Sometimes that works fine, but sometimes it does not because the predatory-styles of people differ and develop like unchecked pathologies through the years. This classification system will help you potentially identify the type of predator you may be dealing with and enable you to ask pointed questions that will provide you with sufficient information based on which you should be able to deduce whether someone possesses a problematic behavioural trait or the intent to do you harm.
THE INTENTIONAL PREDATOR.
This type of predator knows they are a predator and have awareness of the fact that they have violated the consent/boundaries of people before. They will attempt to get you alone or in situations where you may be helpless. Eg) Tie you up before they attempt to violate you.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
They may dissuade you from vetting them or tell you who should vet them.
They may tell you that everyone in the community dislikes them and not to talk to them about the two of you dating.
They may attempt to emotionally or mentally entangle you into a dynamic really quickly
All their exes are crazy.
Each time you have an issue, they will try to explain to you that you have misunderstood the situation.
Overly concerned with what you have told about them to whom, you are unable to tell why they are mad about something.
THE SOCIETAL PREDATOR
This type of predator does not have awareness of their predatory intent and believes it to be “normal” behaviour.
Their poor behaviour is reinforced by their societal standing as a man (most likely) and they refuse to do the work to unpack their privilege.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
Their behaviour is never their responsibility, it’s always what they have seen in society that has made them this way.
They will never tell you what they want or ask what you want, instead they will want what social kink standards need them to want, and expect you to want the same.
They will expect to exert their societal privilege as power over you.
More interested in how being with you makes them look, than they are in you.
Many people are oblivious to their privilege, these people tend to get upset when they are informed of their privilege and expected to check it.
THE VIOLENT PREDATOR
This type of predator is the most dangerous because they are not oblivious to their bad behaviour but they aren’t in control of it either. They will likely attack you, physically or otherwise, at some point.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
They respond poorly to irritants, like poor service or losing.
They cannot handle losing arguments, especially to people they deem inferior to themselves.
They exist in extremes, they’re either extremely nice to you or extremely terrible.
Their former or primary partners are never “in the community”
When they behave badly with you, they may apologise, but the apology will also contain information about how YOU triggered them.
If they do physically assault you, they will be extremely apologetic, they will tell you it will never happen again, they will do everything to keep you from telling people, they will be everything you want them to be for the next few days. Please remember, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
THE ENTITLED PREDATOR
This type of predator tends to be in a position of power or extremely experienced, they may hold the key to admission within a job or community you want to join.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
You expect that they will tout their power, but more often than not, they tend to deny it and say things like “I am just like all other people.”
Their “role” in the community comes up way more times than it is warranted.
They overplay the responsibility and burden they bear in their role and lay the groundwork to use that stress as an excuse for poor behaviour later.
Despite their role they never seem to make decisions, take action, they speak constantly in textbook lingo, they always say the “right” things.
They are threatened by new leadership and never seem to cultivate leadership in people “under” them.
They have more plans than actions.
They always know more than you and their experience comes up way more in theory than in action.
THE “NICE GUY” PREDATOR
They tend to have a hapless, goofy victim persona, they are usually shy-presenting and have poor self-esteem that is caused by women never giving them a chance. A little or a lot Incel-ey.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
Unmistakable, they call themselves a nice guy and believe that is what being a nice guy entails.
Frequent complaints about how women never given them a chance.
Every instance of bad behaviour comes down to how they have experienced the worst of society and being mistreated by women.
Deeply insecure about your interest in them, constantly doubting you, insecure about your interactions with other people.
Attempts to isolate you specifically from other men.
When they lie, it was to protect you, when you lie, it was a betrayal to your entire relationship.
THE “DADDY” PREDATOR
They tend to be older and prey on younger women/people, usually married and have definitely described themselves as a “silver fox.”
HOW TO IDENTIFY
Everything they do is for your protection and they are the self-appointed guardian of your safety.
Extremely defensive about age-gap relationships. They are perfectly fine but this person refuses to acknowledge the real impacts of a difference in age (health, career, finances) and stick a little too hard to the “age is just a number” argument.
Constantly talks about how everyone is jealous of the fact that they are dating a younger person.
Refuses to acknowledge you as an adult and constantly undermines your autonomy especially in terms of career, how you behave with other people and your intelligence.
Every other man is out to get you expect for them and they cannot show their work on that but they know because “they know men” and you “will understand when you are older.”
Drops unsubstantiated wisdom and talks down to you, uses you as an accessory.
Cannot be attracted to women their own age, the age is not a circumstance because they like the person, it’s a preliminary condition.
THE EDGY PREDATOR
They are more hardcore, dark and misunderstood than any other top/person/man and your suffering does not impress them.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
Their sadism is their entire personality and they believe it precludes being empathetic and kind to people.
They aren’t really into aftercare.
They treat emotions as if there is something wrong with having them
They describe themselves as an asshole, doubling down on “what people say about them” and claim they are extremely misunderstood by the “posers and fakes” in the kink community.
Describe their problematic behaviour as “brutal honesty”
Gaslight you into feeling like not a “cool girl” if you don’t get on board with what they want from you.
Make you feel like you are weak and not edgy enough if you don’t consent to going as far as they want.
THE PATRIARCHAL PREDATOR
This type of person wishes to enforce their ideals of gender and the patriarchy through sexuality, they may or may not be aware of their intentions, but tend to be way more common than one may think.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
The rules they wish to enforce within a dynamic tend to replicate the societal conditions placed on women by society (dress conservatively, engage in feminine behaviours, find the d/s in Indian culture, be home before dark, no drinking/smoking: these may be things you want as well, and that is a different situation).
They tend to have very rigid ideas of gender, gender roles and behaviours.
The things they get mad at you about seem to be the same things society would be mad at your about.
“Men and women can be equal, but you have to acknowledge that they are different.”
They hate feminism and misrepresent it in every way possible, and will probably call themselves an advocate of humanism instead.
They subtly or outrightly groom you to be “wife material”
They try to control your money either to get you to ‘spend less’ or exercise more
THE PERFORMATIVE PREDATOR
This person tends to care about the outward appearance of things way more than how things are in your interactions or relationship, they tend to behave as if they are always being watched and want their image of themselves to be yours as well.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
They tell you how to feel about them.
They care more about the pictures they take of your play then how you are feeling during it, not being able to capture it makes them feel like it didn’t happen.
They tell you what to say about your interaction and may force you to talk about it publicly (did you know publicly is the most commonly mispelt word in English?) even if you don’t want to. May force you to post pictures.
They treat you like they are investing in you as part of their goodwill.
They tend to be narcissistic.
THE LOOPHOLE PREDATOR
They usually have awareness of the fact that they are attempting to manipulate you and they always know the technicality on which they can get out of trouble.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
They treat negotiation like a game, wherein instead of being proactive about bringing up things you may have forgotten or not know to bring up, they will purposely keep them hidden to exploit it later.
They will negotiate from a point of disparity where they preemptively take control of the negotiation and treat you like a “sub” even if you are the hypothetical top in the relationship.
When you tell them you are uncomfortable with something, they will tell you that you cannot be because you didn’t disallow it.
They treat the first negotiation as if it is binding and you are manipulating them by changing the rules later.
Does not allow you the space for your feelings to evolve.
THE OUTSOURCING PREDATOR
They tend to use their extant partners as the price of admission and employ them to get other people to play with them.
HOW TO IDENTIFY
You have few interactions with them and more with their partner who seems unable to say anything negative about them.
They seem very different on paper and in real life.
They use their partner or former partners as proof of their prowess.
They are extremely invested in ensuring everyone continues to have a good relationship with them even after they leave.
You cannot quite figure out how they get all these interesting, intelligent people to date them.
The Dilution of The Term Red-Flag
Red flags are meant to signal a potentially problematic behaviour that will benefit from further examination to determine whether someone may potentially harm you or other people.
However, when we start using the term indiscriminately to describe any behaviour we do not like, it loses its value but worse it gives the opposing side a reasonable-seeming argument about being hated by “radical feminists”.
Instead of a single instance of behaviour, it helps to explore the mindsets of the people around you. There are several mindsets that may be cause for concern:
The scarcity mindset
The scarcity mindset is one men tend to operate out of more than anyone else. They treat each potential interaction as a mystery or puzzle they have to solve in order to “get” the person.
They undermine the individuality of the person and act out of a playbook designed to crack the code of the person they are trying to get
They consider it logical to play the numbers because there are “way more men then women” and getting one, literally anyone, is a victory.
They seem to have no preferences and will take absolutely anyone who will have them.
The LinkedIn Mindset
They treat everything they do, especially in terms of kink, as resume building that will make them credible.
They will provide, lead with or demand a list of things you have done or they have done and treat this list like it should vet them or act as their credibility.
Will tell you, right off the bat, how long they have been “in the community” and why that matters so much.
They operate on a checklist and are mostly uninterested in doing things more than once unless it impacts their credibility.
Everything is a competition and they tend to be jealous of other people’s skills or accomplishments.
The Horny Mindset
They are here to get laid and will say anything that gets them to that goal.
They think kinky people are hornier, looser and easier to get than other people.
They constantly imagine there are orgies going on everywhere.
They will try to befriend “community leaders” because they think it will make it easier to get people to sleep with them.
They think kink is “wild” but will scoff at the people who are more intense about it or take it seriously.
The Conversion Mindset
They treat people as if everyone is a mass of clay they can sculpt into everything they want out of a sculpture after they get them.
They tend to look for partners, especially in marriage, without being upfront about their sexuality and then pullulate every social media feed with how they can turn their partners kinky.
They believe it is people’s lack of awareness about fetishism that keeps them “vanilla” and if they can just inform these people, they will convert.
They believe they can get everything from a person if only they can convince them to be their slave.
It’s a mindset of convincing.
Note:
Do not duplicate this material.
Do not share it with people who did not attend this class.
Do not post anywhere on social-media without explicit permission.
Do not use it as a guide on how to manipulate people.
Do not treat it as exhaustive information on the subject.
