hatton_slayden
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rough draft for bald space monkey
🕑 Added 2021-10-19 00:00:03 +0000 UTCi've been trying to rough out scene by scene "bald space monkey" because the story is just was too big to just "wing it"
Bald space monkey overall plot overview:
Starting from just after meeting with “mr crabs”
Gustar calls Risker and yells at him to “get over here” and discuss Jenny’s “immigration status” in order to determine if jenny can qualify for asylum or something to keep from being deported back to her home planet.
Risker asks if he can drop jenny off at his place so she can have a mental break from the new world she has just entered but Gustar wants to talk to them both at the same time (he wants to see what kind of woman would make Risker break the law and risk his career)
Risker pleads with Gustar for just one day for jenny to get acclimated. He then offers to pay for lunch at “Nuna’s” which is gustar’s favorite resuraunt. Gustar then relents but tells Risker to be at Nuna’s just as it opens.
Risker and Jenny fly down to the planet in the space taxi and land in front of a large skyscraper where Risker has his apartment. They go up to his room, all the while jenny is holding on to risker tightly as she is still nervous around other aliens.
Inside risker’s apartment she finally lets go and we see that Risker has a sparsely furnished but clean, apartment. I may have a running joke about tiny robots that are responsible for cleaning. These robots are never seen but the “gag” is they go after Risker’s feet whenever he is barefoot, trying to clean them.
A bit of conversation happens between risker and Jenny. Jenny is concerned she might not fit in this alien world because she is so scared of other aliens. However she cannot go back because the R.I.B will find her and experiment on her because of her alien contact.
Risker tries to comfort her and Jenny reveals that she dosen’t even have family back on her home world so along with being scared of the new aliens she feels she would have nothing no matter where she ends up. Risker tells her she would still have him.
Hanky panky happens
The next day we startoff seeing gustar standing in front of a greek styled restaurant. Puffing on a cigar. He looks up at another space taxi that lands in front of him and jenny and Risker exit the taxi. Gustar is a tall heavy set alien with a turtle/troll like appearance and blue grey leathery skin. He glares at risker but gives jenny a gentle smile and extends a massive hand in greeting. He is polite and genial with jenny but gruff with Risker and they enter the restaurant
Inside they are greeted by the owner. A heavy set eldery greek human lady who’s personality is a stereotypical overbearing grandmother and knows both risker and Gustar personally. After some pleasantries they are seated and gustar and risker discuss his and jenny’s legal options.
Gustar says he was able to write up a draft for asylum requests last night and it should take a few months to get processed. Gustar is hoping that taking a “by the books” approach would put jenny’s and Risker’s case into so much beuracacy that it will be years before they come to a decision and by that time whoever their judge might be will most likely just shrug their shoulders and let her stay because it no longer matters. The catch is that Risker will have to stay planet side until the first request is processed and he will have to be limited to a few planets until the asylum thing is over. Limiting the amount of contracts he can take for his bounty hunting
Risker says its fine since he has some savings and jenny will be starting work with Crabatious Lue (mr crabs) and that will bring in a bit more money. This causes Gustar to groan because it means more paperwork for him to fill out and send to Lue.
After the meal and as they are leaving Risker tries to pay for the meal but Nuna insists on it being “on the house” though she eventually relents and accepts payment.
Outside Gustar suggests that risker and Jenny go shop for some new clothes for jenny. Because when she has to go in front of a judge she needs to have a nice suit. Risker agrees and adds that mixing with the locals will be good for her. Jenny reluctantly agrees.
Next is a montage of jenny and risker going to various stores and tourist locations. Jenny is at first very clingy to risker but as the montage goes on she is more relaxed until she is fully normal
Evening is starting and the two are heading down a near empty street. Jenny looks happy and they have a bunch of shopping bags. They pass buy some tough looking aliens who start “cat calling” jenny. She glances at the aliens and quickly gets closer to risker.
The 3 aliens quickly cutoff risker and jenny and say “a pretty girl like her would have more fun with them then this “sissy” boy. Jenny tries to hide behind risker and the biggest alien reaches out for jenny snearing at her to “not be sacred”
Risker snatches the aliens wrist to stop him. The alien starts to make a snide remark but stops mid sentence as there is a small “cracking” noise and the alien immediately stammers out an apology. A look of pain on his face.
Risker gives a sly smile and tells them to mind their manners in the future and to have a nice evening. As risker and jenny leave the other two questions the big one and he tells them to shut up and take him to a hospital because risker broke the guy’s wrist.
Back to jenny and risker, he hopes she does not think everyone will act like the three they just met. And jenny although rattled tries to give assurances that she doesn’t but still thinks she should stick close to risker.
Back at risker’s apartment they are sitting on the couch in front of a tv, jenny has her legs draped across risker’s lap. Risker asks jenny if she’d want to talk more about her family and after some hesitation she reveals she use to have 5 brothers and her mom and dad. Her dad died when she was very small and for a while the family was able to stick together. As her brothers all got older they moved away and all met tragic ends in either accidents or dying in military service or from sudden illness. Her mother died when she just became an adult and she was left alone with the house that use to have a family of 8.
Risker comforts her (jenny does not yet ask about risker’s life)
In the morning as the two sleep the phone rings. Risker picks it up and has a concerned look on his face. After he hangs up jenny sleepily asks what it was about. Risker says that they have their court date this afternoon. Jenny sits up surprised and worried. She says she thought they’d have more time before they needed to worry about that.
Risker kisses jenny and reassures her that this is nothing to worry about and they just need to relax.
Another hanky scene can be added here
Later that day the two arrive in front of an impressive looking building and as they enter are ushered into a waiting room. risker is called into another room and jenny is asked to wait. A few hours go by before risker comes back. He looks concerned and jenny askes if everything is ok. Risker says yes but states that the questions were more about his current career then anything about jenny.
Jenny is called into the same room that risker went in. she enters a plain looking office room with a simple chair in the middle across from a plain long desk where 5 aliens of different races and fidgeting through several papers and datasheets, not even looking up at her.
She is asked to take a seat and if she would like anything to drink. She declines the drink and sits down. After a few mins one of the aliens asks her how she first met risker. She tells them he fell through her barn roof and she nursed him back to health. They aliens mumble some more acting almost as if she is not there. Another alien asks if it is safe for her to return home and jenny flatly says no. more mumbling. Another of the aliens ask what her current relationship with risker is. Jenny hesitates for a moment and says “we are a couple” the aliens continue to mumble among themselves going through papers and writing things down. A few minutes of this go by without any more questions and jenny nervously clears her throat. One of the aliens looks up with an expression that he did not expect her to even be there and says “oh. Thank you that will be all miss bounce, you may leave. You will be informed of our decision later”
Jenny leaves unable to decide if she is relived that it’s over or worried that things are going to get worse. She meets risker in the waiting room and he also seems surprised at how short it was. They talk for a moment and risker looks concerned but says nothing
They head back to the taxi and back to riskers home
Risker darkens the taxi windows and they go at it aggressively (taxies are self flying)
Once back at riskers apartment he notices some mail has been delivered. Opening it up reveals jenny’s new personal ID and a data card stating her full citizenship. Jenny is very happy and hugs risker tightly. Risker looks concerned when jenny can’t see his face. His phone starts ringing and its gustar asking if they had gotten back from the court yet. Risker says yes and that jenny’s citizenship has already been approved and they now have her ID card. Gustar is quiet for a moment and states he had nothing to do with the speed of the court’s decision and warns risker to be on his toes.
Risker agrees but jenny is to happy to notice
More boink
The next day risker tells jenny that since she Is a full citizen she needs to get the nano machine update. An implant that implants nanoscopic robots to make it easier for her to learn new information. With out it, it would take her decades to understand all the aspects of engineering she will need to know going into work for lue. Jenny is concerned but risker tries to assuage her fears as he, gustar and even Nuna have had them all their lives.
After a call ahead They head over to a hospital and a quick injection in her neck and they are done.
Jenny is flabbergasted at how easy it was as she was expecting some scary surgical probes. But no. risker and jenny pick up some data tomes on engineering and risker warns her not to read too fast and try to take too much in at once or else her brain won’t get enough energy and she might pass out.
Jenny thinks the whole thing is silly as she could not possibly learn so much so fast that she passes out and the first few chapters of reading she struggles with the new engineering concepts. Then an hour in something clicks in her mind. She re-reads the first tome and tears into book after book hungrily devouring information until late into the night where she has fallen asleep over the data tomes. Risker lifts her up gently and places her in bed. He smiles at her for a moment but then his face become concerned as he looks away. Taking his phone out again and dialing. Holding the phone up to his ear after a few rings he says “it’s me” and we don’t hear the rest of the conversation.
In the morning jenny is talking a mile a minute scribbling all sorts of notes on papers and on data sheets with risker patiently listening. Suddenly she looks panicked and begs for help that she “cant control her thinking, its too rapid” risker quickly but gently grabs her arms and tells her to slow her breath, that she is having a “connection overload”. The nano machine help the brain make connections easier and reinforce connections made but they can do too much too fast. He places his forehead against hers and tells her to match his breathing and to only focus on his voice. He calms her down after a bit and they cuddle once she has relaxed
Risker makes a comment that she should limit herself to 2 or 3 books a day at least for the time being
More boink
A week and a bit go by. The morning sun starts rising and jenny is getting ready to head off to mr crabs ship yard. Again she is nervous but risker reassures her.
They fly up to the station and make their way to mr crabs ship yard, and mr crabs meets them at the entrances
Crabs accuses jenny of lying to him and risker tries to step in. crabs tells him to shut up and yells at jenny stating that she never went to any academy and thus lied to him. For a moment it looks like jenny might
Comments
Hatton Slayden
"back down and hide from Mr crabs. but instead she straightens up and yells back and Mr Crabs that SHE did not lie and that HE simply assumed everything" i have a lot more to right but i needed more time to get my thoughts in order
Simone Spinozzi
The way i see it the story structure is solid and it might work but you will have to restructure the dynamics or it won't work. Right now the protagonist is Jenny because she is the only one to have any semblance of a character arc but the rest of the cast (Risker being the worst offender) is a crutch she has to rely upon but that she does not let go. Standard practice for a mentor&student type of story is: • learn. • do it wrong. • understand why it was done wrong. • do it right. and you juggle 3+ of these, time shifted. Usually you want the "do it right" beat of the first thing learned to be the thing that allows the student to understand why 1 of the other things just went wrong. Which means you need the crutch for the first "do it wrong and understand" cycle but then the student is more and more self-reliant. Usually using more than 3 is unnecessary, as if you do you end up cutting off the sequels. Here you have a *single* "learning ball" going on and Jenny not even *trying* to learn anything from what happens in the rest of the plot which *still affects her life*. This means she comes off as reliant on Risker for the *single* thing she needs to learn and overcome and therefore the character arc is... a character ark: She is *being lead* and, while she does grow and become better... we don't get to see the payload this "becoming better" as part of the story, it's left in the imagination of the sequel. But we are reading this story, not te sequel. So it's a "character ark" in the sense that she is being carried through it. It does not feel like she has any agency on her own growth, and she ends up feeling like a child to be protected. It's a wonderful ride which is just about as fulfilling as a theme park ride: if you have "gone through the ride" by reading this story type even once you have read them all. All that changes is maybe how the colors are spinning this time.
thistle
it looks like jenny might.... ?
