Riley Gendreau
patreon
Riley And Her Flag!
🕑 Added 2024-06-07 02:53:26 +0000 UTCIt’s Flag Day, and even though it’s technically supposed to be for a different flag, there’s one flag that Riley holds close to her heart more than any other. That flag is none other than the Transgender Flag of course.
As a trans woman that makes a lot of sense, but believe it or not, Riley didn’t always know about the flag, or even about being trans, as when she was younger she’d never met a trans person and they weren't often talked about in a serious manner.
So because of this, Riley spent a good portion of her life not even knowing about who she really was, or who she could be. Simply knowing that there were others like her and that her feelings were perfectly okay would have been a mass improvement for her childhood.
Instead, she hid her feelings away and never let anyone know about them, because she was afraid that if she let them out something bad would happen. Despite trying her best to hide her real self away, life always found a way to try and bring it out.
For instance when she was about four, her older sister decided they were going to play dress up, and Riley was going to dress up in her clothes. She stripped her down, pulled out a pair of her pink panties, and slipped them up Riley’s legs.
Riley’s sister was only a few years older than her, so she really didn't know better, but when she saw Riley in her panties she started laughing at her. Riley was of course unbelievably embarrassed about it.
Not because it was humiliating, which it was, but because she liked wearing them, and wished it were okay to wear them normally. After making fun of her, Riley got her into a cute pink dress and the two proceeded to play.
After that little cracks started to open. Riley noticed things girls would do that she wished she could do as well. Like playing with Barbie dolls, tea parties, and even sleepovers, but because of the way things were it wasn't possible, she was expected to act a certain way so she did.
When she was a bit older, somewhere before she was ten, she found a big box of fancy girl pageant clothes hidden in her bathroom. There were so many cute and pretty outfits, all of which were her size.
From leotards to tutus, even dresses, it was truly an amazing find. She wanted nothing more than to put them on and dance around, but her bathroom didn’t have a lock on it, so she couldn't risk getting caught, so she packed it all up and hid it away.
Then a couple of weeks passed, and she found herself thinking about it every day. So one day she woke up super early, somewhere around four in the morning, and snuck out of her room and to the bathroom, which was pretty easy since she slept in what was technically a hallway.
So the bathroom was seconds away. So under the cover of darkness, she made it to the bathroom, propped something against the door just in case, and pulled the box out and pulled out a colorful leotard that was covered in sequins.
Everything about it was so amazing. The smell of the material, the way the sequins flipped when she ran her hand over them, the softness of the inside of the material, the tightness when wrapped around her body, and lastly the feeling of happiness.
She danced around and for the first time, she was a happy little princess. She ended up wearing it for hours until one of her parents got up to get ready for work. When she heard them, she quickly got out of the costume and returned everything back.
Then she headed to bed acting like nothing happened. Then every day she’d do the same thing, wake up early, go to the bathroom, put on a different costume, and dance around and be happy, but then one day, the clothes were gone.
She had no idea what had happened to them, and she couldn't ask since that could let her secret out. So her precious clothes were gone and there was nothing she could do. She was devastated by this and thought she’d never get that feeling again.
So she once again tried to push those feelings away and do everything she could to be the person she was born as, and for a while it worked, but her gender dysphoria would find ways to get to her, even if she wasn't fully aware of it.
For instance, Riley was unable to touch nail files or anything gritty like it for over a decade, because her body would literally trigger her to spaz a bit at the feeling because of the anxiety her brain gave her due to the association to nail files being a feminine item.
She did get over it… When she was nearly twenty-three, but that’s still better than never getting over it. Another instance of this that she recently discovered is a thing that is pretty unique because she’s color blind.
As long as she could remember, Riley hated the color yellow for no reason. She had no idea why, she just hated it. Seeing it annoyed her, and she refused to ever wear anything yellow or even associate with it.
But more recently she figured out why. She’s never hated the color, but because she was colorblind, she actually couldn't see most shades of pink as they were just gray, so she never associated the color pink with being feminine like most people.
She’s never had too much trouble seeing the color yellow so her mind subconsciously associated yellow as the feminine color. So because that was a source of pain for her, she hated it and avoided it.
At some point, life got rougher for Riley, and she was able to push her feelings aside to focus on staying safe, but once that passed the feelings returned, so as embarrassed as she is to this day about it, a fourteen-year-old Riley went around sneaking clothes to try on.
All kinds of panties and dresses, but most importantly bras. The first bra she ever wore was one of those Victoria's Secret bombshell bras, the ones with the super thick padding and she lived it! It made her look like she had real boobs and it felt so natural to wear.
Riley couldn’t get enough of the feeling, and she continued sneaking around to try on clothes and eventually starting her own collection of clothes that people she knew were throwing away. By the time she was sixteen, she had a nice collection.
Of course, those feelings got more intense as she went through puberty and she ended up going through quite a few moments of confusion and rage about who her secretary was. To be fair, she still had no idea about being trans and how there were others.
So in an attempt to try and fit what she thought was normal, she threw away all the clothes she had. She felt terrible about it, but to be fair at the time everything she did felt terrible and confused, things would soon change.
Riley’s mother had started a new job and made friends with a woman there. That woman happened to be a trans woman, a proud and very feisty badass of a trans woman who didn’t take anyone's shit and spoke her mind and feelings when she felt it.
RIley was amazed to find someone could be a girl if they wanted, and the world of the Lgbt started to open up to her. She started researching and found out a lot about it. A whole world of things that didn’t fit the norm that she thought she had to accept.
Even though she was trans, she only knew it subconsciously, she continued to deny it. Instead, she decided she was a secret crossdresser, and that worked for her for a couple of years. Then one day Riley’s mother came home with some pins her trans friend had given her.
They were those round pins that said we support trans people using the bathroom that matches their identity along with the trans flag in the background. Riley happily took one and played around with it. Riley fell in love with the flag on site.
Just looking at it filled her with hope and dreams of the future. Riley took the pin and proudly displayed it hanging off her belt for several years before it broke off and disappeared without her noticing.
It wasn’t long after she started to wear it every day that she started to consider herself genderfluid, some days feeling masculine and sometimes feminine. She started to make friends with other lgbt members and over time became more comfortable with who she was.
Which lead to her coming out officially as a transwoman and knowing that she wanted to be a woman and a woman only. So when she was twenty-three she slowly came out socially. Using a new name, new pronouns and even being more open about wearing feminine clothes.
That brings her to the present day, nearly twenty-six, and getting ready to start the next part of her journey. Riley did some research, got in touch with the right people, and soon will sign a consent form.
So within the next month, she’ll be happily starting hormone replacement therapy. Riley loves being trans and is happy to be open about it. The trans flag is a special flag to her, it’s a sign of hope, community, self-love, and most importantly pride.
Comments
Riley
😲 First of all, Hi!!! I'm really glad it made you feel that way. I wish no one, especially someone who's trans, gay, etc.. feels alone like that. It's truly awful, and most of us go through it. I'm not a very open person, so writing this was quite hard for me, it's actually the second version because I got scared and scrapped the first, but as I mentioned in the story, there was no one talking about being trans, so I had nothing to go on. Everyone's story is different, and they'll have their own choices to make, but knowing mine, can make someone feel better about themself, feel less alone, or even help them in any way makes it worth it. As for the hormones, I'm so excited! I just have to go sign that stupid consent form because I live in Florida, but I do that in just a few days after that, I'm not entirely sure how long it'll take before they fill the prescription, but I've waited years, a month isn't going to kill me C: 🎉🏳️⚧️🎉
Daena J
I don't normally comment but as another trans woman hearing that you had similar experiences as me, especially the bit about seeing yourself as genderfluid, it is so nice to hear, I'm so greatful you shared this it made me feel a lot less alone, and good luck for starting hrt next month, and I love your stories. And finally thank you again for sharing. 🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️
Riley
Thank you that means a lot to me C:
last_of_workers
Wow, this is a very heartfelt story of Riley, I could really relate to it, thank you for opening up, it really helped me understand you better. understand what you had to go through and how it happened that you became exactly who you became... I don’t know, fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t know such experiences, but I can sympathize with you... and help to the best of my ability
