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Turning Chapter 301
🕑 Added 2023-07-28 05:21:52 +0000 UTCChapter 301
The following day, Yuder woke up in a state where he had not dreamed at all. The same was true for the day after that, and the day after that one too. Yuder spent the longest time doing absolutely nothing he had ever had throughout his two lifetimes. He spent most of his time sleeping, and when awake, he shared conversations with his comrades who took turns guarding him.
Kanna had cheerfully informed him of the news around them, and Gakane had earnestly pondered and sought advice on the best ways to use his abilities in different situations. Listening to the ceaseless chatter of the Eldore siblings often sent him back into a slumber, and he found himself able to have lengthy conversations with Emun, with whom he had had no particular ties before arriving in the West. He was becoming increasingly accustomed to Priest Lusan's nagging, who carefully looked after him. Yuder thought that even if he had retired in his previous life after aging, he would not have been so idle.
Yuder also shared his weaknesses and limitations with them. Talking about the limits of his abilities had always been his biggest secret, but surprisingly, it did not feel like such a significant weakness when he opened up to others about it. The indifferent reactions of his comrades who heard his story further reinforced this feeling.
"You're not entirely unable to use your power against monsters, right? It's impressive compared to me who has no combat abilities at all!"
Kanna had said, to which Gakane had added with an awkward laugh, "Kanna's right. Your indirect approach seems stronger than my ability to use power properly, so I don't think it's such a big weakness... Of course, we can't afford to have more situations like this last one."
The conversation flowed on, with Kanna followed by Gakane's words.
"What a letdown, I was thinking of learning about your weakness to tease you later, but it's no use if that's all it is. You can only use the power to create cliffs once a day, but what need is there to use it more than once a day in the first place?"
"That's right. Are you bragging now?"
"Still, it's a relief that you already know how to solve it. How did you come up with that? If it were me, I would have been too scared and would have just avoided encountering monsters."
Amid the Eldore siblings who quickly lost interest, Emun asked seriously. Yuder recalled Kishiar from his dream, who had given him the task to figure out ten ways to clean up debris without using his power directly.
If not for Kishiar's words, Yuder might have completely lost confidence in his power and retired as is. A wave of complex thoughts came crashing, then faded away with a minor pang of pain.
"...It wasn't my idea."
"Then whose?"
"I was advised to think of other ways if the power doesn't work directly."
At his casual remark, the eyes of all his comrades sparkled in unison.
"Wow, from whom?"
"Don't tell me, you've met another Awakener before joining the Cavalry?"
"I think it's the first time I've heard about Yuder's story before joining the group."
He couldn't tell them that he had turned back time. Yuder kept silent, then broke into a faint smile. His comrades inferred that the smile was a sign of affirmation and marveled at it.
"That's interesting. How did you meet such a person when you said you were living alone in the mountains?"
"Who is it? Did they also join our group? Are you still in contact?"
Kishiar was present within the Cavalry now. However, the Kishiar who had given him that advice had been long dead at the time. They were the same person, yet they existed in different times.
After a silence slightly longer than before, Yuder finally spoke.
"Now, we can't meet."
"Huh? Why... Ouch!"
Emun, who had been about to ask an intrigued question, shrieked as Kanna jabbed his side. Kanna gave an apologetic look towards Yuder, who remained as impassive as always, then motioned to the rest of the members.
Emun, receiving a potent look that clearly conveyed 'Can't you take a hint?', opened his mouth, feeling utterly wronged.
"Sorry, Yuder. We just remembered we have something to attend to, so we'll be off."
"That's fine. You've been here too long; you need to rest."
The members stood up in unison, leaving behind somewhat awkward farewells before disappearing. Outside the closed door, faint quarreling could be heard. 'Can't you tell from Yuder's expression? He's talking about someone who's dead!', 'No, how the hell am I supposed to know that from his blank face?! It's not like I can read minds!'
Yuder sighed once his thoughtful comrades had disappeared. He had tried his best to seem nonchalant, but apparently, he couldn't fool Kanna.
This was the first time he had spoken to anyone about Kishiar, even though it wasn't directly related to the topic at hand.
After Kishiar's death, he was quickly forgotten everywhere. Most of the members who had remembered him left the group, and it was only natural since the nobles had to mind their words in front of the new emperor. Peletta, welcoming a new lord, returned to its usual desolate, insignificant state, and the Peletta Knight Order, once known as the Duke's Knights, was dissolved on charges of rebellion and scattered without a trace.
The few initial members who remained refrained from mentioning Kishiar. At first, some people came to Yuder, asking if the rumor that he killed Kishiar was true, but when he remained silent, they each made their own conclusions and disappeared.
Years passed, and the continental political landscape changed dramatically. Unlike the Orr Empire, which was losing power rapidly due to continued disasters and chaos, Nelarn and a few other countries grew rapidly to the point of proclaiming themselves empires. With earthquakes, droughts, and all kinds of disasters continuing and countless people dying, people stopped remembering the names of the dead.
The same was true for Yuder. Kishiar was the first person he had killed, but not the last. He saw no reason to particularly remember the first person he had killed when the bodies of those he had killed to carry out the secret orders in the Cavalry piled up like a mountain behind Kishiar.
The memories and emotions he once had, too, he deemed it natural for them to become sedimentary, rot and vanish.
'...That's how it was until recently.'
Yuder leaned against the bed, smelling the thick scent of grass mixed with the soft wind blowing in through the window left open by someone. Perhaps it was the time when the fever fell and the body temperature lowered, even the breeze that would have been considered cool normally made his lips cold and his body shiver. However, he didn't cover himself with a blanket and just endured the chilling cold.
'Memories and emotions.'
After defeating Pethuamet, he continuously pondered over the puzzle-like emotions within him whenever he had time. He was unsure where these prismatic emotions, which he hadn't realized he'd lost, came from, or why they returned. Fully understanding the reason was still difficult, but after hearing what Kishiar had felt this time, one aspect occurred to him.
'I'm not sure about the one he called thread, or what... but there was indeed a commonality within the emotions that returned to me.'
Whenever he saw Kishiar in his dreams, the breathtaking emotions he felt were always accompanied by a sensation similar to a throbbing pain. Despite never experiencing such a sensation in his original memories, the unfamiliar yet familiar parts in his dreams overlapped with what he had previously considered.
'And another thing. Although it felt so familiar, I couldn't be certain that the pain was fully mine.'
It was peculiar to feel that even though he was feeling the emotion, he couldn't determine if it was his. If it wasn't his, whose was it? He had taken it for granted in his dreams and moved on, but when he cleared his head and reconsidered, it was not his usual self.
'But if those thoughts and emotions were actually the truth...'
If that made sense, there was only one cause he could infer. That aspect was also related to the foreboding feeling he had after hearing Kishiar's story.
'The accident that occurred during the second gender manifestation in my previous life.'
Just thinking about it made him feel stifled, and Yuder took a deep breath to suppress the sensation in his chest. He could feel his hand growing colder.
That accident was one of the most shocking incidents in his previous life, ranking within the top three. If the heat period overlapped with the second gender manifestation, the probability of the person who happened to be present at the time also having an opposite second gender while also in heat was minuscule. However, due to the unfortunate alignment of bad luck, Yuder had spent days cooped up, entangling bodies with a beast-like Commander, and had to suffer the misfortune of being reduced to a wretched state.
He had very little memory left of what had happened then. But one thing was certain. While he was tangled up, he did not know whether the place had changed or whether days and nights had passed, but he continually felt as if something inside him was being ripped apart and was being messily mixed with something that came from outside.
The pain, as if something unseen and ragged pieces were arbitrarily stitched together.
It wasn't just a simple analogy. He couldn't explain it, but it truly was something that had happened within him.
Since that accident didn't occur in this life, he had pushed away the memories of his previous life with a somewhat relieved heart. He thought he could forget about it as if it had never happened, but if the disappeared emotions and memories inside him were related to it, what should he do?
Comments
Sarah
I think he can't exactly tell either. I'm guessing he can't distinguish because: he's never felt emotions like these, his memories were tampered with, and/or he was feeling Kishiar through the bond.
Jesse Gibson
Now that I’ve read this again.. I feel like because Yuders manifestation being interrupted - like he couldn’t complete it properly. Which is why he never felt whole or complete and had such a bad view of the process. Because his heat overlapped which triggered Kishiars and when they tangled and bonded… the combination of the interrupted manifestation, Kishiars broken vessel and the bond must have messed something up during the process.. so yuder manifested incorrectly and then add the bond on top it of? How could he not be confused about the new situation? I think the broken vessel was also the only reason Kishiars wasn’t able to avoid it. But I don’t think it was r*pe. I don’t think either of them considered it that but I think because of the bond they both misinterpreted each others feelings which lead to more negative feelings which lead to more misunderstanding. And yuder feeling pain… I believe he was actually feeling Kishiars broken vessel pain. Not emotions. He said he instinctively knew the pain he felt wasn’t his but could feel it whenever they were together which made him believe that Kishiar was in pain being around him that he was the cause. He mentions it a few times about how he assumed that he was disgusted with himself for sleeping with a lowborn commoner like yuder when we all know Kishiar is not like that all. But him constantly being in pain and without any explanation to yuder just further added fuel to the fire. Yuder didn’t know the vessel was broken.. how could he even guess the reason for the pain. And when he was ignored by Kishiar again the misunderstandings grew…. It really was the worst case scenario of events to happen all at once and only added more with the future of misunderstandings… so sad because they still longed for each other regardless
Léonie
I am confused by the distinction between what he calls pain and emotion. Is he having an emotion and then a pain or is it a painful emotion ? Because if it is the former, I think it is his emotion he lost that comes back and if it is the later, I think it is his memory but Kishiar’s emotion.
