Kodar
patreon
In search of inner peace. 18+
🕑 Added 2022-08-29 22:59:40 +0000 UTC********************************************************************************************************************************************
http://kodar.org/r/InnerPeace.png
Hello, friends :)
I've spent some time off the grid this month, used my birthday date as an excuse to escape the noisy relatives and their annoying kids, bureaucracy, loans collectors, car repairs and all the other RL crap for a while. Been to a few quiet and remote places, and had some time to meditate about my life so far, about my artwork, and think of my future. I do have issues, that's not a secret. And worst of all is the impostor syndrome, coupled with perfectionism and low self-esteem, it makes so much harm it's unbelievable when you think of it.. I truly am afraid to fail and disappoint people with my artwork, so much that it freezes me at times, causes me to wake up in a cold sweat some times, to delay releases of new art endlessly, fail deadlines and cancel many projects, when I try and feel like it's not going well, as a result I rarely enjoy the process and fixate only on my fails rather than success, and feel so much guilt it kills the inspiration and mood and makes me wish to hide from society. This is like a self-sustaining circle with no escape... But there is one argument, which has helped me a lot during my inner debates - it's your support. If there are so many people still supporting me on patreon for what I do, that means i'm not as failure as my inner demons would say. Thank you all very much. This is true, I only have the strength to keep going and believe in myself because of you.
I want to make some changes, in the way I draw and post things. But i'm not going to make announces and plans anymore, enough of that - it does not work, pressure does nothing good, tried it again and again... But I will try to focus on making peace with myself rather than pushing it with force. I will try to do more silly arts and things only for fun, to upload more doodles and line-art, probably slip more RL into my artwork, to vent and share with you, what troubles me. And I will try to accept myself as flawed and weak as I am and deal with it... I hope this will help, if not cure the sickness completely but to ease it and make less harmful, we've gotta find a balance somehow. In a dragon world, i'd probably go visit a nice friendly psychologist dragoness :)
PS: I wish I could stay in the forest and never return x) A few days wasn't nearly enough to quench my thirst for solitude x) Well, at least the relatives bunch are gone now and I can finally sleep without the earplugs x)
Comments
Magitechnician
Tried to create ways to pressure yourself in hopes that’ll make you productive, only to find the anxiety makes it worse? It’s rough having a brain that works like that. You’re right, better to try and find an equilibrium with yourself. A friend of mine put it that he “realized he doesn’t like writing, he enjoys having written” as why he moved on to other interests. We’re always going to want to *have made* more than we’ll want to *make*… but the lingering sense of regret over what you “could have made” remains. And it feels like a failure. But like you say, it’s something one needs to make peace with. Life is a collection of experiences, not accomplishments. Anyway, I know I’m making some assumptions from what you’ve said, I don’t pretend to know you personally. But hopefully this resonates with you.
D
Glad to hear you're time in the forest helped you unwind. There has been a lot of research done that shows being in a natural surrounding helps alleviate stress. Which it sounds like you know first hand. If you like it so much, have you considered getting a job that works in nature such as a park ranger or something?
