Braindrop
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A necessary post / how we got where we are
🕑 Added 2020-10-28 09:32:05 +0000 UTC
Hey guys, this is a bit of a strange post as it doesn't really have much to do with the game. I will mention that Day 8 part 2 will be out on the 31st though.
I've been through a lot this year. I've noticed there's a lot of people that don't know the truth or just purposely skew information to make me look bad or whatever. I'm a person that thinks the best of people so I'll assume they're just misinformed.
It's also kind of on me as I've deleted old posts that talk about these subjects due to me not wanting a constant reminder of things. I'm also aware that there are a lot of new people that just have no clue about what's went down in the past.
Anyway, this is essentially one very long post that details exactly what has happened and why this past half year has gone the way it has. I feel like I've healed enough to talk about these things again. If you don't care about that then this is a post you can skip.
This post is not for sympathy or to try and garner attention. It's merely just stating my side of the story so the information is out there and all in one place.
A timeline of the three big events:
November 2019 - A man I considered a father figure lost his life.
This was my first time dealing with death. This happened a few months after WVM first launched in August and I do view it as the beginning of my downward spiral.
He was a man who I could tell anything to and he would do everything he could to help. I've talked about it before but me and my family were dirt poor, I was homeless a few times when I was a child and one notable moment of our relationship is that one of those times he let me crash at his place for a week while my family figured things out despite the fact that he had a daughter who I hung out with a lot. It was the first "cool dad" moment I ever experienced.
April 2020 - My Aunt passes away.
This really rocked me. My Aunt means just as much to me as my mom does and when I lost her I lost a part of myself. I had so many things that I wanted to do with her that I'll never get to do. She was such a kind and positive person, I honestly don't have a single memory of her being angry or upset. She was the kind of person that would call and check on you all the time and she could talk for hours about absolutely any subject.
What remains the hardest moment of my life is when I had to tell her father (my grandpa that I live with and take care of) that his daughter passed away. I relive that moment multiple times every single day. My grandpa is a lot like my aunt, he's a super positive person who always has a smile and to see him break down the way he did will forever haunt me.
June 2020 - My bestfriend takes his own life
This happened soon after I was finally getting back to my normal self after my Aunt's passing. I can never explain how many emotions I've went through over this. From sadness, to hate, to guilt, to self hatred. It's one thing to lose people to illnesses, it's an entirely different thing when the guy you spend hours talking with every single day takes his own life without ever showing a sign of doing so. This was my homie, we did everything together. He without a doubt would have been the best man at my wedding. His mother was sick and was recently let out of the hospital when he did what he did. I'll never know exactly why he chose the path he did because he didn't let anyone know. I'll never know if I could've saved him if I paid more attention.
What this led to:
Those three things are the main reasons why things went the way they did.
My first missed release date was following what happened in November. After my Aunt's passing I didn't have a release until the end of the month which was still 600 renders. I didn't pause pledges as I delivered before the end of the month but May 1st is the last time I've charged patrons, that was 180 days ago.
The reason I paused for the month of June was due to the start of what would be a very long process of figuring out how I wanted to handle Day 7 final and how large I wanted it to be.
Other real life issues I've faced in this time:
Had no clue what to title this little segment as it jumps around a bit.
Some prior context is that I live in my Grandpa's home where I take care of him. It's run down and old and he doesn't want any real work done to it and he refuses to move. He spent the vast majority of his years with his wife in this home and he doesn't want to change anything about it.
Water damage:
This place has water leaks weekly. The pipes were horrid and this caused a lot of water damage that I fixed. This was a big issue and even it took a lot of convincing before my grandpa allowed some plumbers to come and redo most of the piping. So it shouldn't be an issue moving forward. At least I really hope so because it was so infuriating.
Power outages:
Once again, this place isn't great. Small storms consistently knock out my power. Both render PCs are plugged into UPS's but that is really only useful to save work before shutting down.
PC issues:
This is just part of the job. PC's are prone to fuck ups especially when you draw as much power and generate as much heat as I do.
None of these are big issues in the grand scheme of things. Just some more info on some of the things that cause hiccups in the development process.
My hiatus:
When my bestfriend first took his life I had no clue what would happen in the following months. My mental was already pretty garbage at this point because of my Aunt and the usual stresses that come with development and criticism.
I took a few weeks for myself which I'm not sure I would have if it wasn't for the guidance of my girlfriend. I got back to work and the work itself went well but I was rarely happy with anything I made.
I'm not sure if it was due to my mental state or whatever but it was a vicious cycle where I'd think I was happy, make 80+ renders then scrap the entire thing and start over.
On the good days where I felt optimistic are where my "update soon" posts came from. I'd feel good about everything and I knew if everything went well then work was almost done. Then a few days later I would be working on that same scene but from the beginning. It led to something I'm very proud of but the process wasn't great.
Missing dates constantly and letting everyone down was such a fucking bummer. And I'd constantly want to make up for it and work harder to make sure I had it out soon but I think the guilt of it all just made it worse which led to more guilt and it just never stopped.
But we made it through it.
Financial situation:
It's never good to talk money but I like to be as transparent as I can be. Also as cliché as it sounds I truly don't do this for the money. I leave the amount I make visible so my patrons can decide if they want to support someone as well supported as I am.
Many people have questioned how I'm fine with pausing payments for half a year and the answer isn't hard and you can see it for yourself. Your guy's support is fucking insane. I'm paid very well for what I do, an amount I never dreamed of.
And I'm not stupid with money, I've saved the vast majority. I don't do drugs and I don't have any money burning hobbies. I eat chicken and maybe salad most days and I drive a shitty car.
If you're curious, WVM has been a thing for 14 months and in those 14 months I've made $90,000 before taxes. (I've paused 5 months in a row at the most I've made and those months added up would be somewhere in the $80,000 range so I've just about paused more money than I've made).
I've spent around $25,000-35,000 (very rough estimate) on things for WVM. From assets to PC hardware. So it's not hard to see that I'm not in danger of going broke so if you were one of the ones worrying about that then please don't. I'm paid way more than I should be. 😅
and if you're curious about future funds, I'm currently planning a build of a third PC. This one will be mainly for working on some of the things I work on concurrently to WVM. Like the monthly renders and the week 1 redo of the earlier days.
I'm also saving as much as I can to buy a house with my girlfriend in the future.
Reasons for the rocky start to my return:
There's the obvious elephant in the room of the fact that me and my girlfriend tested positive for Covid-19. But it hasn't hindered development too much as we have mild symptoms.
There's a few other things like me and my girlfriend were planning an impromptu vacation because for the first time in her career she had a weekend off. (She won't read this post so I'll mention one huge bummer was that I was going to propose to her on the vacation. But Covid cock blocked me.)
But the main reason is that I focused a lot on repairing relationships with some of my friends. After everything that happened I didn't want to be around anyone except my girlfriend and grandpa. But by the time I finished the update I really missed the connections I had. It's been great for me to catch up with these people and I feel the best I have in a very long time mentally. I definitely should have planned out things better this month because I spent too much time away from WVM. I am sorry for that but I think it was good for me in the long term.
(And just to note all of our gatherings were outside and we all wore masks.)
Why are you unpausing then?
Yes, I will be unpausing this month, meaning my patrons will be charged on the 1st.
My reasoning for pausing before was never because I was taking time off because I didn't, it was because my patrons paid for something they didn't receive and I didn't want to take another dime from them until they did.
The day 7 final was 1200 renders long but I made over 2500 renders in that time. And I've made close to 350 this month. And I will be delivering both planned releases this month as well.
I know why things happened the way they did. I know why November will be a more consistent month for me so I feel comfortable unpausing.
Why did you turn off DM's?
This is something I really didn't know if I wanted to address. But I think I should just so you guys don't think I don't love interacting with all of you.
Obviously there were some people upset about the delays and I got a lot of messages about that but it's not what made me turn off DMs.
It started after my Aunt passed but people would send me really fucked up things. It got much worse after my best friend passed. From messages like "No one cares you lost people, we all do. Get to work." to "images of suicide victims with the person sending it saying really fucked up shit".
I've taken the proper responses to these and I'm good. I just wanted to make it clear that I hate that I had to block DMs and I know they were just pathetic people trying to rile me up but it's best to block them for now.
Other things that I didn't mention:
There were multiple other problems, from me dealing with imposter syndrome, to getting sick a few times. Just a lot of personal battles that I don't think need much explaining. I do have a therapist that has helped me really sort my emotions.
Some positivity:
This post has been super negative but I don't want it to come off that way. This year has had my absolute worst moments but it has also had my absolute best moments.
We built this community. Which has helped me as much as anything else has to get through this. From the constant support and kind things you do / say. I can't tell you guys enough about how huge you were in my healing process.
I've made great memories with my girlfriend and grandpa.
I'll soon have a wife.
I've met some really awesome people through making this game.
Oh, and my grandpa's second C-19 test came back negative as well. 😊
So please don't take this as a "woe is me" post. Like all of you I've had my battles this year, some of you have had it worse than me and you don't have the support systems that I do. I know how insanely lucky I am despite recent misfortunes.
This community is super supportive of me and I know they'll be super supportive of you too. If you need someone to talk to then there are multiple people here that will lend an ear, including me.
I just wanted all of this information out there.
This is in no way me saying I haven't made many mistakes because I absolutely have.
From going quiet to promising things that I didn't deliver on. I've learned a ton from this experience.
What I am saying is that I've went through a lot this year, a comical amount. But I'm still here fighting and healing. I was in a super dark place, I was sad and depressed. But I'm working my way out of it, and I'm not gonna stop anytime soon.
I have tried my best to make the right decisions, I've paused pledges while I figured things out and I just generally tried to do what I believed was right. Though I wasn't perfect.
It's really late for me and I'm super tired so I hope this is mostly coherent.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask in a comment below.
(Due to touching on a ton of sensitive subjects I'll likely be quick to delete some comments. If things go badly I'll turn it into a patron only post.)
Thank you guys so very much for everything
<3
Comments
Riidher66776
Please allow me to share another perspective from a new patron. Death comes in all different shapes and sizes, and no matter how we try to prepare for it, it is always overwhelming. The pain is unbearable and we feel lost. They say that "time heals all wounds" it doesn't really but it does make it easier to go on. Grief is a strange animal, it's different every time. But what all this does to us is it deepens our capacity to handle more. And when things turn around you can hold more love than you ever thought possible. You have had a tough year, my heart goes out to you. Now you mentioned in your post, that you aren't good at managing people. Is anybody good at managing people when they first start? No, of course not. So why not look at turning your weakness into a strength. Take some seminars, little bite-sized chunks, 3 to 5 days, or even a full-blown college course. What about a personal trainer? It appears that money is not an issue. Long term you should listen to what a lot of your patrons are saying about getting some help. For any business to be successful long term, you need a team. Multiply your efforts, they are still your efforts even if someone else helps you finish it. Good luck to you. I look forward to the next update.
Joe
Im concerned for your health and mental health, Please consider hiring someone to help you take a load off you,I'd also suggest never to give promises, also to help take load off if your unwilling to hire someone, go back to updates once every 2-3months , just say I'm aiming for this day but it's not a set day.
Hey man! You are one of the best and you should know that all things that happened this year could not destroy the love of gamers ;)
KryptAngel
I've already told you most of what i could say here personally else where. So I'll just say that you were there for me when i needed a friend even when you were in pain yourself, so no matter what shit life throws your way you will always have a friend in me and I will always have your back.
Freki
@braindrop I didn't see this till now but you're cool in my book. I know I've let you know *I* understand but you know what? the ones here that want to be here and be here for YOU and your creation of WVM! I can't sing your praises well enough, I am showing people your work and they are BLOWN away. sure some don't like the script but they do say you have a talent with the renders. Don't worry about the ones being truly negative though, you and we know what best and the best is they get ignored by you and you keep doing what you're great at! btw several of my lady friends love your renders and think you have done a great job with what you've done. AGAIN THANKS for making this.
Advent Anunna
It's about damn time you unfroze payment. In the immortal words of Philip J. Fry: "TAKE MY MONEY!" Seriously though, glad you're doing better, a job is a job, even one you enjoy. People matter more.
David Morgan
Ditto to what Naughtycamper says..
NaughtyCamper: Personally I wouldn't worry about the haters. I think that this is one of the most brilliantly written story's I have the pleasure to play in a long time. It's has mystery, humor, compassion and so much more. I think you've done an excellent job with this VN and should be very proud of it. I hope you have a better year next year and try to forget the impatient people in this world. Keep up the good work.
Honestly I hope you take your earnings and give your soon to be fiance the wedding/honeymoon she deserves. For as much joy you have given us you deserve that and more.
PsychIntent Games
I can't even fathom everything you have gone through in such a short time span. Do what you can. Get back to the game when you can. Make sure you get the emotional and mental health help you need (a therapist can do wonders, especially given the tremendous volume of stuff you've had to deal with in a very compressed timeframe). We'll be happy when you are able to get back into it at your own speed and capacity.
Steele76
Continue to heal up. You had a fuckin rough year, not many person would have done what you did. Keep taking some time with your soon to be wife and grand pa. You need to rest otherwise it won't be good for your mental health. Keep on the good work, day 7 was fantastic !
New subscriber, and first I must say WVM is an incredible game. I have played my fair share of VNs and WVM stacks up there with some of the best VNs from both the West and Japan. Thank you for the honesty and all the great work you put into the game, also thank you for the reminder we all need to take care of our mental health as well. Looking forward to the rest of day 8
Mike S
It was a really hard year for most of us, more so for you. And I don't get some people I mean you updated on your timeline really nice and also talked about trouble you had so information was out there. AND STILL you provided us with a great game/advanture,...so thanks :) And yes you can unpause payments really. I would not suscribe if I did not want to pay for your work.
Bob69
You got this bro. I think the most of us are fine with you not pausing the payments tho.
Dreamlab Studio
I know I'm not alone in saying that it's good to see you keeping payments active this month. You work extremely hard and do a great job. It's really sad to hear you have people contacting you with such hateful things. What the hell is wrong with people? You really shouldn't feel bad about the delays in the development of the game. Real fans understand it's not easy work and real life is always far more important than the game. I wish the best for you, your family, and your girlfriend. It sounds like you have had a hell of a year and you have earned some better days ahead!
Aaron Lamb
Keep doing what you are doing.
KnightoftheWhiteSun
Hey man, you could of had patreon unpaused for the past two months and I would have been good with it. Your still working on the game and putting things out. Just make sure to take care of yourself because burn out is real.
dpas9993
Braindrop, you are stronger than you know. I started supporting you because there is something about games which say something about their creators. That's why you and Killer are the ones I am supporting on my limited income (Social Security and playing the organ in a very small church). I don't support people to get perks, but because I believe that there is something within them that warrants my support. To go through all the crap that you have in the past year and still keep working is amazing. You'll always have my support and best wishes.
Simran Ghotra
All I wanna say is that you’re a great boyfriend, son, nephew, and the best grandson. Not many people do what you do so take a moment to reflect on the good things you’ve done as well. Love you brother!
I don't know you personally but as a human being, you are absolutely doing the right thing. This is a solo operation from what I gather. This is your company. Run it how you want. Almost EVERY single AVN is a 4 to 6 week if we are lucky update. You doing it as often as you do is so much ahead of this business. In my book with the amount of updates you pump out, you can afford to miss some deadlines to sort your life. If you read my post and you take anything away, please know this..... A wise man once told me, at the end of the day, the only one who will be there for you is your family. It doesn't matter what you do in your professional life or services you provide, your family.... They are the only ones that will be there for you. So take care of them as they will take care of you. This must come first.
Pax
You paused your Patreon payments for longer than any creator I know. There is nothing wrong for those of us who want to support WVM and your creative process to be allowed to do this. You turning back on the monthly charge lets us do this. If someone disagrees and wants to unsubscribe, that's fine. Patreon is a place where we get to Choose who we support - so many of us are still here supporting you for a number of reasons but they start with the great work and story you are telling with WVM. Please keep your DM shut down. Some Nasty caricatures of human beings sent you messages and pictures intended to taunt and harm you while you were suffering from the trauma of lost loved ones and there is no excuse for that. A child of 8 should know better. I wish Patreon allowed those attacking others while hiding behind the anonymity of the DM system to be banned. Some countries have laws about digital stalking/attacks/bullying. Perhaps Patreon needs to take a look at their policies to prevent this kind of abuse.
First time making commenting here. I have to say Braindrop, your game is one of the best I have played and following you in the background and see some of the problems you had over the last year and come through in each one with the help of your GF, GP, and other people that are there to support you, is very nice to see. It so hard now day to have people just to say it ok, it will get better and you are doing ok. Just getting positve comment help to make the day better each day. I know from first hand working retail especally with the COVID happening and I think you mighted posted a couple months ago about how much you appreciated the people working retail and thank us for being there to keep the store open, I wanted to say thank you for that post but you can correct me if I am worng on you making a post about that. I am looking foward to what new develpment you come up for the game and looking foward to paying you for the development of the game. Lastly, I am very happy you turned off the DM, even though I did message you about how to join discord but was able to get infomation just by looking though the post. People that sent you those rude message are wrong in doing that. I hope we get to hear when you have proposed to your gf. Remember, to take it easy each day and just enjoy life with your family. Trust me I don't often get to see my family, they live very far from me but I try to call them from time to time to say hi to them. Thank again Braindrop, I look foward to your development.
NeimadFR
I'm very happy for you about your engagement (or future engagement, I'm not quite sure on the timeline), mutilple times thought 'He better marry this girl" as she seems like a wonderful woman from what you told us :D On another note, I'm disgusted to hear of what was sent to you via PM and think you made a very good decision shutting it down.
Martyn Romaine
Keep up the awesome work that you do.. i absolutely love WVM the story is one of the best i have seen so you will always have my support
colin r
Didn't realize you'd turned off DMs, and Patreon silently let me send without letting me know. So I'll repost this here. If your UI needs are simple enough I might do them for fun. Let me know. (I'm a former professional software engineer, used to get paid to write server applications until I moved into management, now I've gotten curious about learning renpy for my own projects. I'd be glad to help out an artist whose work I enjoy.) Do you have your code on GitHub?
TotesNotThea
You shouldn't have to justify yourself. Thank you for sharing, I know I've said it before, but it really does mean a lot. 🙂 And I know I shouldn't laugh but I did at the phrase "Covid cock blocked me" 🤣 Sorry! 😉
TheBigOne
Be strong and stay focused on the nice things ... I'm older then you, but in a similar situation: I'm living out the house, my better half is in quarantene and has non so light sintoms, she drove 4 week's ago in an other town to help her grandma, initially negative, but now grandma is in hospital in the covid-19 section and all the helper are positive. So enjoy the good thing's in your life and take my $$
Daniel M
I'm a new backer, just joined this month. I picked up hints of past problems on discord but had no idea how rough the last year has been for you. You have my condolences for the loses of your best friend, aunt, and father figure. It is only natural for development to suffer while dealing with all that. Your childhood sounds like it was rough. However on the whole things seem to be looking up in your life. So good luck on your bright future. I can't wait for some more WVM.
Michael Michelsen
For me you are one that i really enjoy supporting. Even when you didn't get any updates out you still did more work than so many other game developers who still take your money. I'm happy that you are starting to be at a positive place which you really deserve. So please take my money again :)
Corey Alschuler
You are truly a one of a kind kinda guy. Keep up the great work. We'll always be there for ya.
mikemiguel
Frankly I understand you, I have also gone through too much this last year and many changes that it is difficult for me to assume. But that's life and we can't do anything. I also lost my father not long ago and I have also tried to commit suicide several times. But here I am. And I find it extraordinary that you can move on. The family is first; so you have my support for all this because you have to go through it to understand it. Be guided by your principles and calm that in the end it is overcome; Even if it seems that it will never happen. It took me 5 years. Focus on what is important and when you have achieved it, continue with the game; that is only a game. And thank you for sharing all this with us.
DeadMan
You know it's life and shit happens to everyone. You hung in there and kept your patrons/fans informed. I can name many that don't. I understand your losses and set backs all to well. I lost my son last year and even still there are days I get up and wonder why I even try. All my close friends I had in my younger years are gone. Some do to war and others to health or other things. What keeps me going is my wife and daughter. You said you are getting married soon and there is one great reason to keep going. May you both weather the storms of life and come out watching a sunrise together for decades to come.
Yellowcake Uranium
You will always have people trying to manipulate what is going on because they are trolls or trying to get clicks to their site/channel or something along those lines. Be open like you have been, then ignore the haters. Giving them attention isn't worthwhile and anyone that wants can just read your blog entries here to get the real truth. Also do realize there is a massive majority of silent supporters that have been with you from the start. The trolls are loud, your supporters massively outnumber them, so pay no heed to them.
Joshua Entrekin
I got nothing but love for you bro.
UncleLoco
Thank you for posting this, and thank you for being there for me when I needed someone too. This game and the community for it has helped me a lot this year dealing with my own personal issues. I don't think I could have made without support. I know I have said it a ton of times on another site and to you personally but your game has meant so much to me this year and I will never be able to thank you enough for that.
Riblit
Congrats on the 2nd neg test GranP also I'm glad to see that even after u got covid u are still pushing ahead strong and looking to the future u had me worryed for Abit & I'm glad u see u staying strong even in the hard times feel free to PM if u ever want to chat about anything I'm a great sound board But anyway stay strong & I'm glad u will take my $$$$$ again
Harrison S Burd
❤️ 🤲🏻 Don’t mind me, just handing you my support
BeoWoolF
Nice to hear you GP tested negative on hi second. That your and the Ladies symptoms are only minor is also good news. Keep it up and thanks for finally taking my money 😁
HoboCop
let's hope things only go up from here on out <3
Julian Harper
Stay safe, and stay well (both mentally and physically)!
Keith Pattison
TY for the update, as always honest and to the point, take care of yourself and family and release when ready we are here for you and appreciate your hard work through these hard times, stay strong and let us know how the proposal goes 😊, Keep up the good work
Markus K.
My personal experiences over the last 10 years or so have taught me that no matter how fukced-up your current situation might be or how I do feel personally it usually is the best thing to be straight and open about it. I have not met one person I do care about that did not react understanding and supportive no matter what I said or did whenever I was being forward. So in this respect I think your post will see people be mostly understanding and caring as it is human to care about situations/people you do understand. Let people know what is going on and they will usually stick with you through thick and thin. Thanks so much for this really personal and open post, which I do really appreciate. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones, especially your wife to be, your grand dad and the rest of your family and friends. Wishing you all the best and get healthy soon.
Mastro91
You are superhuman dude,
ValkXB70
You are producing great content even through a turbulent year, keep up the amazing work.
JeremyCole300
You've always been sincere, genuine, and honest with us. Like most of us you've gone through it this year. But you've remained strong. Take care of yourself first because life is precious. I think I speak for most of us when I say we appreciate everything you do.
Baku K
Big hug guy! Peace!!
M2
Stay strong Chief. <3
