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Side-Write: How to Feel
🕑 Added 2023-04-28 23:20:23 +0000 UTCWe finally completed the big series of interviews with the gods of our new world, and we're free to write about anything now! I had several thoughts on where to go from here, and the obvious thing was to explore a little more of what life is like for normal people in this world, to try and flesh things out more on that side.
But right now, I'm very focused on something somewhat related to that, yet very different from it: I'm deep in the process of figuring out how to build a better AI for Project Wild One. I was tempted to just do a write-up of all the nitty-gritty details I've been working on, just to try and crystallize what I've got so far, but that would turn into a lot of hard to read technical stuff and math to deliver a concept that's still incomplete, and very far from the usual idea of these side-writes, which is to tackle the story side of things from interesting angles.
So I decided to try and tackle the same idea, but just a little more from the story side: I've mocked up a situation based directly on the game's mechanics, using things either you can do now or that I want to implement soon, to tell a very simple story about an encounter. But my focus for this story is on what an AI should think, feel, and do once it's fully expanded with the new system. I include some "you already X" for things the AI can already do, since right now its understanding is very focused on "what is going on now" but does very little to consider the past or how the current moment is grounded emotionally and socially. This has worked as a decent exercise in seeing how these mechanics might play out and what else I might want to make sure is included, and maybe it'll help give you a better insight into what's possible and what is, hopefully, coming soon.
I hope you enjoy!
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So you're alone, and you've just finished resting up. You shouldn't decide what to do next just based on the fact you're full of energy again, or that you're not feeling very satisfied. There should be an emotional element: you feel lonely, you lack emotional validation, and frankly, you could use some physical intimacy. You want to mess around with someone, and you're not feeling too picky about who at this point.
Before you try howling to draw some attention, though, you should consider more than if you've already done that recently. You should think about what you know about this area. Do you have a pretty good idea what the creatures around here are like? Is it an unknown, or maybe there are a few you know are dangerous, and that you think might come if they knew where you are?
In this case, you've met a few of them at least, and it hasn't been too bad. So you feel comfortable taking the risk, hoping that they're a decent sample of what this area is like. You howl.
Now you've done that, you should remember that you've done it and figure you should wait around here to see who shows up. Maybe you'd search around a little, or rest, or just relax and wait.
A wolf emerges from the shadows, and you already know you recognize him, and that you have vaguely positive feelings about him. You've only interacted a little, but you find him attractive and not too scary. But on top of that, you should be ready to recognize he only just arrived, so your first actions will really set the tone of this meeting. On top of that, you should notice that he specifically seemed to be following your howl. He was interested in seeing you again! That's good to know.
You should be happy about him seeking you out, and you should want him to do so again in the future. So you greet him with a big, positive gesture. You want him to know you're happy to see him!
His response is simply to wait, keeping an eye on you. You can tell he's keeping his guard up, but you should be able to read into that that maybe he's not so sure about your intentions. Maybe he doesn't trust you? Or maybe he's just waiting to see why you're making so much noise. Letting you make the first move.
By this point, you're pretty needy for any kind of satisfaction, but on top of that, you should feel even more lonely and in need of emotional and physical contact specifically. Crying out into the darkness and sitting around has a very lonely feel to it, along with a sense of vulnerability. You really want to be intimate with the wolf, any way you can.
You should be aware that you're not really sure how he feels about that-- he hasn't expressed an interest one way or the other, and you haven't seen him having sex or refusing to do so before. And with how cautious he's acting now, you should probably take it slow and feel him out... but you're also feeling impatient and needy, and he seems interested in you, doesn't he?
You want to just try for something with him. Jump right into it. You should know that this is risky, that he might not go for it, so you decide to try for something he's more likely to like. You should know from experience that creatures tend to be more receptive to being pleasured orally-- it's emotionally satisfying for you to give someone pleasure, and you think he might be more receptive to being pleasured than to you trying to get pleasure from him right away.
You approach him, and try to move to get at his dick, but he evades you by reflex. It's not too surprising, but you should feel disappointed. You were so close for a second there! Maybe he'll think better of it and let you do so after all?
But his answer, once he's clear of you, is to snarl a rebuke. He didn't like that. You should feel shocked and uncomfortable. You want to be close to him, but he's being so hostile! After he came looking for you! On top of that, you should feel like maybe he doesn't like you all that much after all, to be snarling at you. But then, it's not as bad as if he'd attacked you or something, so at least he's gentle. And on top of that, you should recognize that his snarl is a direct response to your trying to have sex with him. Maybe he doesn't like sex so much? Or he doesn't want to have sex with you? Or he doesn't like how abrupt and forward you were about it. Maybe you should be less aggressive about trying to have sex in the future, both with him and in general. You're not sure which of these is the heart of the issue, but they're all probably at least a little true.
You're tempted to keep trying to seduce him, maybe to offer some other act or make it clear you want to have sex any way you can with him, but at this point you should realize he's been acting pretty distant, and doesn't seem to like you trying to rush into things with him. Whatever he's thinking, he doesn't like the pace you're setting, and you should want to put him at ease. You'll do things his way.
So you make yourself small before him, as an act of apology, and somewhat an act of submission. It should be a little frustrating, when you feel so needy, to have to waste time like this, and should hurt a little that he seems so uninterested in you. It should feel a little like maybe you're not that attractive, and that he's somehow above you, a more attractive being. And you should feel just a little resentful of feeling this way.
But... all he does is stand there, watching you, waiting. He's still being cautious around you. You should recognize you still haven't earned his trust, and that it's discouraging for him to still be so cautious. You worry that he might leave at this rate. You have a deep desire to have sex with him, but you should recognize that you don't want to force it on him. You want him to be willing. You'll just feel worse if you force it, and you need that emotional connection too, at least a little bit.
So you shift your posture, to make it clear you want to have sex with him any way he might be interested in it. You really don't care at this point, you don't care if you're in control or the one to make the first move. You should feel vulnerable.
He could literally pounce you right now and you wouldn't even try to dodge, even if he had nefarious purposes. But instead... he relaxes his posture, letting his guard down and grooming himself briefly. You should feel a little ragged, watching him sit around when you're in need. But you should also recognize that this is a step in the right direction: he's still not doing anything, but he's making himself more vulnerable. He's willing to trust you a little at least. You should feel hope, and a little fragile excitement.
And of course, part of you wants to just tackle him and sex the hell out of him on the spot. He probably couldn't dodge you in this moment, not this time! Probably. But you should recognize that he'd have a strong, negative reaction to that. You should also recognize that at this point, you're letting him set the pace of this encounter-- you're the one in need, and you don't want him to leave. You want him to willingly engage with you. He's the one with all the power in this situation. So... if he's just going to relax, you should follow his lead.
You force yourself to settle down, to sit and just breathe. You should feel a sting of frustration, and impatience, and you should feel very aware that you're forced to take the role of a lesser in this situation. You might need to do something to shore up your self-image later. But relaxing like this should also help you feel a little calmer. Your nerves have been a little rattled, and this helps you manage your stress a bit.
Finally, he shifts to move closer, and he reaches out. You're already open to doing anything, so you don't even flinch... and he strokes over you. Not in a very sexy way, just... touching you. You should feel gratified that he's taken this step, shifting the feel of things at least a little. It's exciting, and more than anything, you feel that deep need inside you for connection get just a little relief. You've been so frustrated, even this feels like an amazing balm.
You want so much to try for more, but you're still matching his pace. You should consider touching him back, but also you should be unsure if this is about going slow or about him having control. You don't want to rock the boat when things are finally looking better. You need to be cautious, and encourage him to do whatever he wants with you. You just really hope that what he wants lines up with what you want...
So instead, you gesture your happiness again. You liked that, and you want more. You like him. He hasn't given you all that much reason to actually like him so far, but right now, when you feel so needy, he seems very attractive. Especially after you've put him above you in the back of your head...
The wolf reaches out again... and pulls you to lie in the grass with him, pressed together. Again, nothing sexual, but his body is interweaving with yours intimately, and it should be a small rush of satisfaction just to be so close to someone. By this point, you feel immensely attracted to him. He's making you feel good, and you're invested in following his lead, waiting for his smallest whim. You want so much more, but this is enough for you to feel like you could keep going a little longer out there, even if this were all he wanted.
Between your relief, and your uncertain caution about taking action, you push down ideas of trying to touch him sexually or even offer to do some sexual thing. He knows what you want. Instead... you relax against him, making yourself absolutely as vulnerable as possible. You're putting all your trust in him... and you're savoring this moment, while you have it. Just in case it is the last.
But he touches you again... and this time, his fingers wander south. He grips at your rump, squeezing and feeling you out. Your arousal surges instantly, partly suppressed by uncertainty for so long, and you feel an incredible excitement and gratification. He's not made of ice! Maybe he really does want more...
You have a tremendous desire to jump him like this, but your fear of ruining this is stronger than ever as well. Your warring internal signals settle on making a small, meek advance: you move to gesture that you'd be happy for him to fuck you back there, if he's so interested in your rump. You just hope that's not too forward. If he backs off now, you'll be devastated...!
But he grabs at you again, and you find yourself rolling over... as he lines up to take your invitation. You feel like you might reach orgasm before he's even fully inside you. You should be intensely excited now, feeling a deep and strange gratification that someone you've convinced yourself is "above" you means to have sex with you.
...Which is why you should feel a sudden, intense frustration when a deer wanders in, apparently also drawn in by your howl from earlier. You don't want any complications right now! You wouldn't complain if she wanted to be intimate, but you should figure this situation is so delicate, you're afraid she'll ruin it!
You snarl at her, making a display of your displeasure at seeing her. In the back of your head, you should feel a little guilty: you don't know this deer, and this is a terrible first impression. You want to be on good terms with the others around here, but this is a terrible time for her to show up.
And sure enough-- the wolf pulls away from you suddenly, climbing to his feet. You're left feeling very cold and alone, which in turn should only make you feel more frustrated. You should recognize he's pulled away in response to either your snarling or the deer's arrival. You regret making a fuss and wonder if you should have left that to him, but also you're all the angrier at her for showing up at the wrong time.
That said, a small part of you should also wonder... The wolf was very quick to pull away and make himself less vulnerable when someone else showed up. Why? Is he that uncomfortable about sex, or is he... overly cautious? Fearful, even? She doesn't seem that dangerous to you. A small doubt about his character is opening up in your mind.
The deer responds to your ill greeting my growling right back, which should only make you angrier. She's probably upset about being treated like that when she's answering your call, but you don't want her wasting your time with attitude! You want her to leave!
Since you're not tangled up anymore, there's nothing stopping you attacking the deer to chase her off, and you're a little tempted with how angry you are. She's not getting the message that she needs to hurry up and leave! But you don't like hurting others, and you're still trying to follow the wolf's lead. You don't want to give him any reason to feel more uncomfortable, or less in control of the situation.
Instead, you find another way to express your frustration: you shift your posture to make it clear that you don't want to have sex with her at all, and you don't even want to fight her. You want nothing to do with her, and there's nothing for her here. She is unwelcome.
The wolf simply waits, watching both of you. He's on his guard again. That suspicion about his overabundant caution grows just a sliver in your mind.
Thankfully, the deer finally seems to get the idea. She starts backing away, making distance. She's leaving, and you feel relieved already.
You relax on the spot, happy to just watch her leave. You should still be trying to take a passive role with the wolf, and you just want this interruption to end without another thought.
The wolf could move to reengage with you, but he just keeps waiting and watching. What does he think is going to happen?
The deer disappears from view, and finally, the wolf relaxes as well, letting that tension pass. You should feel a little impatient, and you nurse your suspicions that he's afraid of something, but you try to stay patient.
Maybe you can't quite rein it in, or maybe your suspicions are reducing that sense of obligation somewhat, but you decide to make a small move to get things rolling again. You reach out to stroke over him gently. Fresh off trying to split your cheeks, he doesn't try to dodge your touch, and you hope you can keep him in the mood.
You were still pretty aroused that whole time, even if you were distracted from it, so when he grabs you again, it feels better than ever. You're less excited after all that, but there's a deep heat simmering in you that needs satisfaction. He pulls you into position for him to rut you again, and the world should suddenly seem like a divine place to you.
You have to fight off a terrible temptation to push and take him in. You'll let him do it. But one more time, you look back and gesture that you're happy he's here, doing this with you. You hope you can count on him for a good time like this in the future...! Though you hope he'll be a little bolder next time...
At long, long last, he slides inside, and you should feel a trembling wave of satisfaction. A connection. Waves of physical pleasure, alternating with the sweet sense of personal validation, of feeling attractive and desired. It's not quite as satisfying now that you're wondering if he's really a hot commodity or just a coward, but it feels so good just to be wanted.
For a little while, at least, you won't feel alone.
