LittleVixen
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Dear Dream Journal; Chapter 1 — Only a Dream
🕑 Added 2025-03-03 10:13:12 +0000 UTCCW: [Bigotry, domestic abuse, self-deprecationm, slurs]
"Lia, what are you doing over there? Come here; you're missing everything!" said one of the girls in front of me. I walked over to them and joined in whatever they were doing. Even standing with them, I had no idea what we were doing. I only knew that we were having fun. Laughter filled the air.
Suddenly, a motion caught the corner of my eye. A tail shoving forward. I turned around. The world blurred as if the colors of a canvas were blending together. The scenario changed—a dark forest with a high canopy of leaves. Light broke through and bathed a small stream in a mystical light. Like something from a fairy tale, the stones in the stream's bed began to glow like jewels. It was simply breathtaking.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" asked a honeyed voice next to me.
"Yes," I nodded.
"You know that you aren't supposed to follow me. And yet you do it every time," she whispered into my ear. I could feel her leathery tail curling around my leg. I shivered at her touch.
"I-I know. But following you always ends up in those cool places. I just can't resist, okay?" I replied shyly, averting my gaze to the ground.
Her talon-like fingers brushed over my skin, and I felt my face reddening. "What a cute demoness you make, Lia. When I first saw you, I thought you were like me, but you aren't... well, not yet, at least. I'm really happy I found you before the others did. I will never give you to them~"
I whimpered as she withdrew her tail. "So needy~" she teased.
"'m not needy!" I lied. In truth, I wanted her to pet me with every fiber. For as long as I could remember, she had never done that, which left me feeling truly saddened.
The demoness noticed my mood drop, "Don't be sad, little Lia. All your wishes will be fulfilled soon enough. I'm nearly done with my preparations, and afterward, you won't have to go back to being him; that's a promise."
And then, without any warning, she was gone. Like sand drifting in the wind. With her presence gone, everything rumbled, the stream stopped, the light darkened, and the leaves fell dead to the ground. It was time to wake up.
---
My eyes were fixed on the bleak, white, smoked tile ceiling. Then, the shrill alarm sounded. Mechanically, my hand moved to the alarm clock and turned it off.
"All my wishes will be fulfilled soon, huh?" I slowly repeated the words from my dream.
I put my hand over my eyes. Did someone like me even deserve to have a wish fulfilled? I gritted my teeth. No, someone like me definitely didn't deserve it.
I heard my breathing quicken, and an agonizingly hot tear flowed down my cheek.
No, I wasn't allowed to show emotions. I wasn't allowed to feel. I was an instrument created by my family with the intent of bringing them pride. Nothing more.
Breathe, Henry, breathe. I suppressed those haunting emotions as well as I could and pushed them deep inside my inner void. I wasn't allowed to be weak; if he saw me like that, he would hit me. I didn't want that.
I pulled myself together and went to my desk. I opened the drawer, took out all the books and other various items, and placed them on the table to access what I wanted. I pressed the hidden button at the bottom of the drawer, and a false bottom opened. With a smile, I retrieved the only thing in the house that truly meant anything to me—my dream journal.
It was my clandestine collection of dreams, reflecting everything shameful within me. If my parents ever discovered this, they would likely send me to a re-education camp. Merely dreaming of being a girl could result in punishment. Not that I would desire such a thing... something that good could never happen to me. And I knew what I looked like; I would make a miserable girl.
The other concern was the appearance of the demoness. I shuddered. I couldn't fathom what they would do to me if they found out. Well, no, that wasn't accurate. I knew precisely what they would do—a forced exorcism.
I flipped through the pages and smiled. Despite the potential consequences if my parents discovered my journal, those dreams held fonder memories than anything in my real life so far. So, it was worth the risk. If only my dreams were real. I sighed. What was I even thinking, dreams becoming real... no chance something like that would ever happen.
As I documented the events that occurred in the realm of sleep, I contemplated the words of the dream demoness.
"I will come for you," I whispered her little lies. No one would come. Not for someone like me.
After finishing writing, I returned the dream journal to the false bottom, followed by everything on my table.
As if on cue, the door swung open, and my older brother marched inside.
He clicked his tongue, "Awake already, huh?"
I eyed him carefully before noticing something behind his back. "Dude, is that a pair of scissors?"
Mockingly shocked, he revealed his hand with the scissors and said in amazement, "Oops, where did that come from?"
I tried to stay calm. "Father allowed me to grow my hair this long! He said that as long as it isn't longer than Jesus's hair, it would be fine!"
My brother smirked wickedly, "But he didn't look like a faggot or a sissy with that. He also had a beard which you can't even grow."
I panicked as he stepped closer.
"Ten dollars, and I leave you alone for now. I know Mom gave you money for one of your weird hobbies. What real man likes calligraphy anyway?"
I didn't respond. Answering him would only give him and his bigoted beliefs another reason to shun me. Instead, I stood up and hurriedly walked to my school bag to get him the money.
I handed him the money. "My pleasure to do business with you."
Then he left without saying anything else.
Relief washed over me. It wasn't the first time my brother had done something like this, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.
"I'm just useless," I muttered. A real man could have defended himself... or maybe not. Not everyone likes confrontation. But, God forbid I would say something like that to my father or anyone else around me. I shook my head.
I don't know when it started, but at one point, I began to question everything they earnestly shoved inside my brain for so many years. I had to be one of God's little soldiers against the world's depravity, was what he said to me when he started his special lessons. Years of suffering and loneliness. Until I found that book in the library. It was like diving into forbidden knowledge, into the origin of sin. It was an ordinary-looking book, though, addressing topics such as feminism, forced social standards, etc.
This book was my starting point, but what really showed me the hypocrisy of my father was how he reacted to me telling him about my findings. My hand unconsciously stroked the remaining scars on my back.
Never again.
---
Once I had finished showering and got my stuff ready, I went down to the kitchen. My mother, Charlotte, already had breakfast ready. My father was already eating some toast with jelly while reading the newsletter.
"Look at those infidels! Allowing those devil worshippers to openly live out their sick views freely. Disgusting!" he yelled and slammed a hand on the table. My mom flinched a bit, as did I.
He turned away from the news and looked at me. "What do you think about this?"
I read the caption of the article 'First Queer Festival at Backer's Street!'. I knew there was nothing wrong with any of that, but I had to lie for the sake of myself.
"You are totally right with what you just said!" I shouted as angrily as I could play it without gagging at the statement.
My father smiled, "I knew we had the same opinion. Nothing else to expect from my son!" He sized me up before he continued, "You really should train more or join a sports club."
I smiled, genuinely happy that he brought up this topic, "I actually wanted to talk to you about that. I thought about a self-defense course that one club at our school offers. It costs a small fee every month, but it is really good! The teacher is also a professional kickboxer."
"Oh? A man showing the younger generation how to fight properly? Sounds acceptable to me!" said my father, who definitely had no clue what I was talking about. He would probably react differently if I told him the teacher was a woman in her early twenties.
"And it's only fifteen bucks!" I threw in, hoping he'd cough up the cash.
"I'll give you the money after breakfast. Sit down now before it gets cold. Don't be rude to your mother," he ordered. I did as I was told and sat down.
A few minutes after we started, the rest of the family came. My older brother, wearing his college jacket, entered first. My younger sister, who attends a strict all-girls school located a little further away, came after. She was only here over the weekend; otherwise, she stayed at the school's dormitory.
They greeted our parents and sat down to eat. I got ignored. My older brother did that because he thought I wasn't worth his time. My sister, on the other hand, just straight out hated me. The reason? I had no damn clue.
I finished the last bit of my meal, stood up, and put the dirty dishes in the sink.
"Thank you, dearie," said my mother with a smile.
I gently smiled back and was about to take my bag when Father gestured for me to stop. "The money, Henry. You can take it from my wallet. It's on the shelf at the entrance."
My sister glared at me, "Why does this loser get money? For what? Paying off the bullies?"
My brother laughed at that. This jerk.
"Tone, Karry! He's joining a sports club, thinking it'll magically fix that and many other things." my father explained, displeased. He didn't even try his skepticism. And here I thought he would believe in me for once...
"Tsk" was all that came out of my sister's mouth.
I thanked my father again to maintain my charade and hurried to get outside. I simply wanted to leave this place; it was sickening. Even if this morning was mild compared to many others.
Money, backpack, shoes, keys. Yes, I had everything I needed.
"Bye!" I yelled when I closed the door. Nothing came back, as always.
---
Riding my bike to school was fun. I loved the wind in my hair and how fast I was. It gave me the feeling of freedom. Sometimes, I even played with the thought of running away, but I was sure I wouldn't come far. It might have been worth a try if I had any friends outside of the Circle, but there were none.
After twenty minutes, I arrived at my school. It was a big, modern-looking, queer-friendly, and overall really open place. There were many extra classes and clubs, different sports to choose from, and even extensive social events. My brother was the star quarterback before he got his scholarship at his current college. Because he was always busy with football and never at the protests that our father forced us (or basically only me) to go. So his reputation was picture-perfect while mine was... many people in this school disliked me, and the vice principal told me if I ever acted badly against someone with different beliefs while on school grounds, it would have horrendous consequences for me. I tried to reassure him I wasn't doing anything that would harm anyone, but his look clearly stated that he didn't believe me. Couldn't hold it against him; I wouldn't trust the words of someone like me, either. My father was a monster (or, more like, an even worse one) once he stepped outside of the house. I still didn't know what his job was, but it had something to do with the local hardcore extremist church that was widely known as The Circle. "Considering what he did to me, he was like the bigoted version of Van Helsing, viewing regular humans as freely hunt-able monsters and vogelfrei.
Anyway, because I was forced to attend many of these protests that were against anything that wasn't natural—to the Circle's belief—, I was pretty much hated by a lot, especially the queer folk. And to my luck, my father even tried to attack one of the most popular girls in this school during one of his missions.
While I didn't share his values or stand for the same things, convincing anyone of that would be challenging. And because some of the Circle went to this school, I wasn't even allowed to correct them. I was too afraid of what my father would do to me. Unsurprisingly, the Circle even had people in the police. So, what were my options?
A familiar voice brought me back to the present. I turned around and saw Joe. Great, here goes my chance for a relatively quiet morning.
"Henry! How are you?" he asked.
"So so, you?" I responded coldly.
"Oh, did you also read the newspaper? I can understand why you would feel like it's just a disgrace to normal people like us!" stated Joe.
My mind slipped away. I could already feel my mood hitting rock bottom. Joe was another reason no one would even consider talking to me. A white, rich kid who became so indoctrinated that if he tried to touch one of the books that saved me, it would burst into flames instantly. I found that quite ironic.
"-and then he said so many things were just so true! What do you think?"
Urg, he was still talking. "Uhh, I see it the same way as you, naturally!"
"I knew it, Peterson is just great!" he smiled.
"Sure." I just wanted to punch him in the face. But I would probably only hurt myself in the process.
"Tsk, look who is there." Joe pointed at someone in front of the school door.
I swore internally. Of course, I would run into Kaya. And she noticed us instantly, all thanks to Joe rudely pointing fingers at people.
"Oh, who do we have here, the two bigot assholes. Didn't your so-called god tell you it is rude to point at people?" remarked the stunning 5'7" girl with shoulder-length ebony hair.
Joe gasped as if he was hurt, "People? I only see dykes and devil worshippers. You have already infiltrated the highest positions in this town. That thing you are planning? Disgusting."
I stared at Joe. What the heck was wrong with him? My head slowly turned to Kaya and her group, hoping they wouldn't react too badly to his nonsense.
Fortunately, Kaya merely smirked. "Call me what you want, you zealot, but I'm sure you're just envious that you aren't getting any girls, unlike me."
Then, out of nowhere, she pulled her girlfriend into a deep kiss. A painful feeling clutched my heart, and my breath was stuck. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't I get kissed as a girl? As a girl?
My heart dropped. No, no, no, no. I wasn't allowed to think like that. I saw two girls kiss and thought THAT? I'm really a pervert, the worst of the worst. They had every reason to hate me. I was trash, utter garbage.
My breath hastened, and somehow, it felt like I got less and less air, no matter how much air came into my lungs.
Only then did I notice how Kaya and her girlfriend looked at me. It was something I hadn't seen so far in their eyes. What was it?
Then Joe yelled, "Are you seeing what your repulsive behavior did to Henry! And girlfriend? You call that thing a girl? He will forever be a b—"
"Shut up!" bellowed through the morning air, followed by a punch, and suddenly Joe was lying on the ground with a bleeding nose.
If no one was staring before, then by now, every eye was on us, or more accurately, on me. Joe just looked at me as if the devil had taken control over me.
Kaya's mouth was agape. As was that of everyone else in her group.
My brain slowly processed what happened. I felt my hand stopping.
"Are you all—" started Kaya, but before she could even utter one more letter, I was already taking to my heels.
I messed up. I ruined everything. As soon as my father heard of that, my life was over. He would home-school me, cage me away till my brain would believe every lie he spoke or something even worse! No, I couldn't end like that!
I had no idea where I was running off to; the world was a blur behind the curtain of my tears. Eventually, I fell to the ground, my backpack tumbling, its contents scattering in all directions.
Suddenly, one of my books radiated a light pink shimmer. Why was my dream journal here?! I locked it away!
"Are you alright?" asked a worried voice that I knew from somewhere. I wiped the tears from my eyes with my shirt and looked up at the speaker.
"T-Tara?" I asked quietly with a trembling voice.
"Yes, uh, hi?" she smiled.
I couldn't believe it. Tara was one of Kaya's best friends and definitely on the list of people who hated me the most. Why was she here? Why was she here? Oh god, she wanted to punch me just like I did to Joe!
"Henry!" shouted Tara. "Calm down, I don't want to hurt you... I think. Look, first of all, for what you just did to that asshole, Joe? My deepest respect. Secondly, you looked like you were about to have a panic attack before you hit that bastard. And then you run away as if your world ended, so I followed. Even someone like you deserves to get looked after."
My mouth opened and closed a few times before I said in what was barely a whisper, "T-Thank you."
Tara smiled, "No biggie. Seeing that bastard getting what he deserves was treat enough. And trust me, if you hadn't hit him, Kaya would have. Marie was about to cry after what your friend said."
"He isn't my friend..." I breathed.
Tara looked confused at me. "What?"
"He isn't my friend!" I said again louder. My life was over anyway; there was no reason to hide it anymore.
"Wait, come again?" asked Tara even more confused.
"It's my father," I yelled, "If he knew how I really thought, how I actually felt. He would cage me away and put me into a camp until I was one of Circle's soldiers. A puppet without mind, without purpose. Indoctrinated to follow every bigoted belief."
"Fuck." Was all that Tara could mutter.
"That's only the tip of the iceberg..." I mumbled.
I saw Tara take a deep breath. "We can talk about that later. I need some time to process what you just said. But here, let me help you first to get your books back."
"Thank you," I said again.
Tara kept smiling. "And like I said, no biggies."
She passed me the initial set of books, and only then did I realize my gleaming dream journal was still on the ground. I caught Tara glancing at it with an expression I couldn't quite place.
Why hadn't she noticed the pink shimmer before? She was about to grab it when I hurriedly reached for it to stop her. Unfortunately, she was a bit quicker. By the time my hand touched it, she already had it in hers.
The pink shimmer suddenly seemed to explode into a fog, and my vision blacked out momentarily. When I could see again, I was still at the school grounds, but everything felt more dreamlike.
"Lia?!" shouted a well-known voice in front of me. The demoness from my dreams stands where Tara just stood a second ago. Like a falling veil in my mind, I suddenly recognized the resemblance between her and the demoness. How did I never notice that bef—
Wait a second. I looked down on me. Breasts, yep. I felt my tail, too. I touched my head, and my horns were also there.
"I finally found you!" shouted the demoness that was apparently Tara and pulled me into a deep hug.
I flushed with embarrassment at the unexpected intimacy. "Uhhh, hello?"
"HI!"
