Michael Clark
patreon
Butcher of Gadobhra Chapter 485
🕑 Added 2025-03-10 02:05:57 +0000 UTC"Having fun yet, Mr. Vernon? We can get closer to the big one if you want a better look, or should we get a little further away from it? Looks like she's about to breathe out that acidic cloud again."
Vernon was alternating between screaming in terror and screaming angrily at the two idiots who misconstrued all of his orders. "What?! NO!"
"Don't get further away? Sure thing, Mr. Vernon, hope the wheelbarrow holds up. We lost a pillow when we ran through the acid mist last time. All engine power, Mr. Benjamin, the God-Emperor wants to get close!"
Despite Vern's protesting, Rolly ran straight at the Greater Wyvern Nest Matron, waving to get her attention. As any mother would be, she was concerned for her eggs when a trio of crazed humans came barreling through the swamp. Only the fact that she recognized the Shepherd kept her from unleashing her full might on them. That, and the Shepherd had tossed a tasty treat her way as he raced by. Wyverns preferred meat, the spicier the better, which explained their habit of hunting down the semi-mobile horseradish plants that had recently taken root in the swamp and along the stream leading to it. The morsel from the Shepherd was a ten-pound porterhouse steak, encrusted with horseradish, ghost peppers, and other flavors she couldn't identify. Instead of a stream of potent acid, she had been responding with puffs of acidic mist as she and the Shepherd played a strange game, and on each pass, he tossed her another treat. The only annoying part for the Nest Matron was the screaming human in the little cart that the Shepherd was escorting. With a last pass around the nest, Rolly tossed the last of his treats, and they headed back toward Rowan Keep.
"Oh, head on home. Is that what you meant, Mr. Vern? Don't you worry, we'll be there in a flash."
"Damned right you will! And then take me to lunch. I'm famished. Are we really out of sausages?"
Ben had been healing Vernon whenever his skin started to fall off. He topped off his health now. "Oh, did you think we were out? I must have misheard you before. I'm out of the sausage in my pouch, but I have more in my backpack. We can stop when we get to solid ground. I need to repair your palanquin, and you can have a snack." They reached the edge of the swamp, and just in time. The wheelbarrow shuddered and fell apart, Vern rolling to the ground. He was mostly unhurt but also unclothed, with holes from the acid turning the cloth to rags. He also had a liberal layer of swamp mud everywhere and blisters on his hands and rear end from the wild ride. He ate his sausage, glaring at Ben as he somehow repaired the old wheelbarrow with wood from a tree, string, and a carving knife.
"It won't hold long, but long enough. I've got ideas for a better one when we get home. Are you ready, Rolly?"
"Yep, I've gathered all the horseradish plants in the area that tried to run from me. Maken will have to have a stone wall around this field. Hopefully, they can't jump."
"Good to hear. By the way, which way are we going? What does the map say?"
"Map? You had the map?"
"Didn't I give it to you to write a limerick about the big wyvern?"
"Oh, you did, and she liked it."
"And?"
"Oh, she wanted to keep it. Damn, should have thought of that."
"No problem, I'll navigate by the moss on the trees, but we have to go back to the swamp for trees."
Vern stared at the two of them. "You idiots! Just look at the ground! You can tell we came from that direction."
Rolly stared incredulously at the muddy tracks running through the meadow. "Ooh, Mr. Vernon is right! Why didn't we think of that?"
"Because he's the smart guy!"
"That's why he's a Vice President and in charge!"
Vern's face was turning red, and not only from the acid wash that had removed his hair and a few layers of skin before Ben healed him. "HOME! Now! Go back the way we came!"
"Got it, boss! We head that way, through the horseradish colony, then past the Spitting Wasp colony, and then through the Squirrel forest."
"Don't forget that area by the stream with the huge mosquito swarms. That's an important landmark."
As the trio retreated, Vern ranting at his two idiot porters, the Wyvern Matron wondered if she would ever know what all of that was about. Somehow, with Vern's help, Rolly and Ben remembered enough of the route home to run through the Squirrel Forrest a few minutes before noon. Hungry squirrels raced alongside the wheelbarrow as Ben wove a path between the trees, hitting as many roots as he could. Ben had to heal Vern every time a squirrel came too close and drew blood, casting Triage while guiding the makeshift palanquin with one hand. Killing Vern now would be terrible. They had more fun in store for him.
Up the road through Sedgewick they went, then on toward the bunny hill without slowing down. They made it just as the sun was overhead and the sound of the bank's clock began tolling the hour. They rolled up to the small camp and slowed. Vernon staggered from the wheelbarrow and took unsteady steps toward the buffet laid out for him. He debated for a moment before taking a large bowl of mixed greens and fruit, a slice of cheese, and two boiled eggs. As an afterthought, he grabbed two sausages, wrapped them in a napkin, and stuck them in his coat pocket. He sat quietly on the grass and ate his lunch. Then looked hopefully at Suezette who smiled at him and patted him on the head.
"You did great. Eating better and working hard. I brought you a slice of apple pie." Vern took the pie and ate it quickly, obviously enjoying the tasty treat. Then he laid down for a nap.
Marceline looked at the exhausted Vern and the grinning porters. "Well, let's see how you did." She brought up Vern's character sheet for the group.
Vernon Throckmeyer
Titles:
Unca Varn, challenger of the God-Emperor. Destined for Greatness. (Bonus Advancement Points)
Lesser God-Emperor: +1 CHR, +1 STR, and +1 Free point per level.
War Road Builder: Extra Rewards for Winning Battles
Class: Lesser God-Emperor in Training
Level 2
Health: 300
Stamina: 150 (300)
Mana: 300
STR: 3 (-4)
CON: 2 (-8)
DEX: 0
AGI: 4 (-4)
INT: (-2)
WIS: 2 (-2)
CHA: 5 (-4)
PER: 0
COR: 1
Experience: 2200
Conditions:
Poor Diet: Eating poorly has sapped your strength and stamina. Lifting and carrying capacity is at half. Stamina is halved.
Centenarian: All negative stat effects from conditions are doubled.
Elderly: +1 WIS, -1 CON, -1 STR
Obesity: Speed is lowered to 50%. -2 AGI, -1 CON, -1 STR
Doddering: Your mind wanders and lacks focus. -1 INT, -1 CHR, -1 WIS, -1 PER
Decrepit: -2 CON, -2 CHR. Your body is past the point of obesity and unhealthy, sliding into death. Any damage taken is doubled until you have a positive CON.
NEGATIVE STATS ARE TREATED AS ZERO FOR CALCULATING HEALTH, STAMINA, and MANA.
Primary Skills:
Ranting (CHA), Rank 4
Berate Minion (CHA), Rank 4
Ceremonial Mace (STR), Rank 1
Impressive Trough Feeding (WIS), Rank 1
Warmongering (CHA), Rank 0
Lead From the Rear (INT) Rank 0
Secondary Skills:
Obliviousness to Danger (WIS), Rank 2
Lack of Empathy (COR), Rank 1
Political Infighting (INT), Rank 0
Leadership (CHA) Rank 0
Acid Resistance (CON) Rank 2
Tertiary Skills:
Palanquin (AGI), Rank 4
"WHAT?! You got him to Level 2?"
Ben pointed out the increases. "Ranting went from rank 3 to rank 4 and Berate Minion from Rank 1 to Rank 4. He hurt our feelings, but it was worth it. That's 1050 in CHA experience. You will notice that we went well out of our way and exceeded expectations with the Palanquin skill. Rank 5 in only four hours of constant running through highly dangerous areas. I swear I healed him of three heart attacks alone. That added nearly seven hundred experience, and we have managed to get his AGI back to zero. Another morning, and we can maximize that skill for tier one. All in all, that pushed him up two levels. But I want to point out that we also managed to get him a new skill. Since the System is giving him skills on what he does, we figured we'd nudge it along a little."
"Acid Resistance? Just where did you take him to get him that? You know what? I don't need to know for now. I'm just happy you managed to keep him alive and do so much. Getting him that skill is interesting; it makes me wonder what else we could do to get his CON up."
Suzette said, innocently, "Well, there's always other resistance skills. Lesser Poison Resistance, for example."
Marcy nodded. "That's not a bad idea. Everyone should have that, especially people like Vern. We can start that tomorrow."
Vern suddenly sat up, looking ill, and staggered away. Then he began to throw up, violently.
Suezette smiled. "Or we could start today. Heal him up, Benjamin. I have another piece of pie for him."
Only Vern's love of sweet desserts kept him going. By the end of the ordeal, he was staring at the last piece of pie. "I can even tell that it's poisoned! And I just got more experience in Impressive Trough Feeding." He ate the last piece of pie, then staggered to his spot to be ill.
Rolly whistled, "Damn, that's a great skill. He's earning double points and getting extra desserts."
Suesette was thinking, "I'll have to make the poisons more subtle and put them randomly in his food."
Marcy helped Vernon back to the group. "Look on the bright side, champ, you're doing great! Sure, we're working back to zero in most cases, but by the time you hit level five, things should be looking good. Dump those two free points into CON, and we're going to spend some time killing bunnies. This should be so much easier now, and we have enchanted gear for you. You should be able to wade through those critters."
Vernon looked up the hill. "Hitting something does sound fun, and I need some revenge on the one that killed me last time. Keep an eye out for him." He was delighted with the two magical rings. Less so when presented with fur boots and a hat and a magical loin cloth.
"No, I am not wearing that! It's ridiculous!"
Marcy shook her head, sadly. "Don't let a couple of levels go to your head. I still owe you a broken hip. It's not much worse than what you're wearing now, and I promise new clothes before we walk back to town. Look at the effect that has. It's armor! You'll barely feel their hits, and you do an extra 20 damage from the ring. If you feel mad about wearing this crap, go take it out on the rabbits."
It took a few threats and promises, but finally, Vernon got dressed for combat. Suesette gave him two potions. "One is for strength, and the other will keep up your stamina. Drink them down and go find a furry victim."
Vern actually managed to walk normally toward the first rabbit and, with a sneer, hit it on the head, killing it instantly. Emboldened, he jogged to the next one, killing it as well. Bunnies three and four died in the next thirty seconds, and he began to move faster and faster as he culled dozens of them. Marcy looked over at Suezette. "What the hell were those potions?"
"Well, sort of what I said. The first is a Potion of Berserk Strength +5, and the second is Burning Rage. It gives big bonuses to combat but at the cost of a warrior's body, quickly burning away their energy reserves. I'm hoping we get lucky and he loses a few pounds of fat."
"Well, he's sure moving faster than normal. Aren't you worried about the interaction between those potions and the ring?"
Ben grinned. "We talked it over and decided that was an experiment that needed to happen. Science demanded it. He's starting to slow down a little, and his eyes are bright red. But boy, he's still having fun out there."
Vern was screaming now, running from fat rabbit to fat rabbit, clearing the area. As the last bunny went down from a broken skull, Vern turned to see his old nemesis appear out of a rabbit hole. Bunko Bulgar didn't look like a happy rabbit. He hopped towards Vernon, who made a staggering charge towards him. Bunko went for his favorite Groin Kick attack, but Vernon's speed threw off his timing. Vern hadn't paused to swing, running straight into his foe. Slammed to the ground by Vernon's larger mass, the rabbit champion chomped down with his huge inscisors on Vern's shoulder.
Enraged, Vernon started pounding the rabbit with his mace held in two hands. A minute later he was victorious, covered in scratches and bites along with rabbit blood and fur.
A Battle for the Ages! ...or should we say 'The Aged'
If I'd have known you'd be this much fun, I wouldn't have tried to talk you out of going with that trasheap of a body. Oh, yeah, the official part...
Congratulations Warrior! You have persevered and killed your old foe, Bunky Bulgar, a Level 3 named Fat Rabbit.
You have earned 3 Advancement points. But wait! There's more! Your Destined for Greatness title gives you an extra 2 points. (1.5 technically, but everyone hates fractions.)
Vern wasn't looking at his notifications. He turned and looked for his next victim. That happened to be Ozzy as the Butcher walked towards him. Vern staggered in his direction, cursing and screaming, his mace held over his head.
Ozzy let him get near, then spit a small amount of fire at him. Vern staggered backward, beating out the flames, then glared and resumed his charge. The Butcher put his hand on Vern's head, holding him at a distance, and breathed fire at him, slowly roasting him. Vern kept coming, the berserker rage not letting him quit. Finally, when he could barely move, Ozzy let him collapse on the ground. A moment later, a headstone appeared.
Marcy yelled at the Butcher, "And what the hell was that?!"
He grinned. "Fire Resistance training."
Comments
Kellen Clifford
S tier chapter
JohnHarris
TWK. Thank you. Also thank you for turning Unca Vern in to a crispy critter. Your sense of humor is both hilarious and wonderful.
JohnHarris
TWK, I'm assuming there's only one spelling for Suzette? Then looked hopefully at Suezette -> Then looked hopefully at Suzette Suezette smiled. "Or we could start today. -> Suzette smiled. "Or we could start today. Suesette was thinking, - > Suzette was thinking, Suesette gave him two potions. -> Suzette gave him two potions Marcy looked over at Suezette - Marcy looked over at Suzette
Ender419
That would be hella funny. It would give him major fire resistance 2 automatically.
Tim Nash
In the system message you have the name “Bunky Bulgar” it should be ‘Bunko Bulgar’
Findell
I hope he doesnt forget to do the Fire Eater Clan introduction the shot of strawberry suprise for the Fire Eater con skill.
Ben Jaffee
thanks! such a funny chapter
TwistedVanity
Aww no squirrel negotiations 😮💨 but that chapter was great fun. Really enjoyed it.
MadRat
Thx for the chappie 👍👏👏
CentaureHeart
Destined for greatness is really broken, when did he get that?
NameGame
LOL I really enjoyed that. The part about the Wyvern Matron being puzzled by what was going on was particularly amusing. Thanks for the chapter.
Forestfire
Ok I forgive you for the Vern crap in the corporate war these last two chapters are a great character pay off. Ozzy treating him like a 4 year old on a sugar fueled tantrum was the best thing I've read all year
Engineer4God
Tank oo fur da chap!
RedInkQuill
Thanks for the chapter
Findell
Well he is almost strong enough to kill a sedgebeast.
Dudedorey
Fire Resistance got a lol out of me. TFTC
