MaximusJandari
patreon
Update 42: I'm Gay
🕑 Added 2024-12-01 11:01:39 +0000 UTCIt's been about 4 years since I started on this journey to produce erotica, during that time my content has changed and evolved through many forms.
What started as solo male POV story driven adventure that's since evolved into a loose collection of stories, drop in's and small encounters within the world, I've always liked making this content, but over the years, something went missing along the way.
My passion and drive for this work came in drips and drabs, I had periods where I couldn't stop working, and I had times when I struggled to start, and I for the life of me for so long, could never figure out why that was.
I mean hell, I earn a decent amount a month for piddling about in blender and producing erotic stories, which are fun as hell to produce, why on earth shouldn't I be on top of the world, living my best life?
Why is it that, whilst working on a scene I can experience wild arousal, tinged with a sense of confusion and dissonance?
Why was I worried about showing particular parts of the models and angles that might be considered more gay than straight? Why was I petrified of including angles that could be seen as gay, and exploring situations that weren't straight? Why would It bug me when people would make comments on my work like 'this looks kind of like a man'
Well, a lifetime of living a lie under a homophobic father will do that to you, as it turns out.
I was afraid to explore everything my mind had to offer, because I was afraid of it changing things.
I was afraid of coming out, to my friends, family and indeed, to you guys, my supporters, for fear that it would ruin or otherwise change my life, that it would make people judge me for who I am, that it would cause vast swathes of you to all instantly abandon your support of me and my art, because being a gay man would be so wildly offensive.
And... I'm willing to accept that telling you all this might well do that to some people, this stuff runs deep, I'm a first hand account of how something like this, something as deep running as your sexual identity can powerfully influence your emotions in a way that is confusing, scary and perhaps worst of all, intangible.
But at the end of the day, I can live my life true to myself and with no regrets, or I can die a bitter, lonely old gay man, incapable of allowing himself to love or be loved, never knowing if he would ever be truly accepted for how he was born.
Is this going to change your content?
Yes, I think it's going to get better.
I've a passion for showing and displaying people enjoying pleasure, I love to see that in both men and women, the difference was finding out that I enjoy seeing women's bodies as an art piece, something I can admire, but just not something I want to have sex with.
It's like the sunset, nobody gets tired of looking at it, but I just don't want to bone it.
I still enjoyed making all the scenes I made, and in fact, later in this update I have a breakdown of a shot from my latest project that I think will illustrate my point well.
The difference is that now I can produce these with focus and determination, and not be offput by invasive, unknowable thoughts of discomfort that threaten to derail my ability to produce the best work I'm capable of making.
My view now is that, knowing this is just going to help me really drill down into what it is that has made my content work for so many people, it was, at it's core, an exploration and validation of sexual identity, and at the end of the day, it's just the most detailed possible rendition of characters enduring exquisite pleasure.
What I have found through this admission to myself is impeccable clarity, I now know why returning to A414 has been such an important thing to me, His story and arc explores a lot of these feelings I was leaving repressed.
It explains why I simply abandoned a basically complete Episode 5, it wasn't good enough, but I was also afraid of how it might be received.
It explains why, when working on a scene that looked like it was a dude would fill me with confusing feelings, making me excited to work on it but at the same time, alienated and distraught, being filled with emotions that I could not understand or explain.
There are other reasons why I put that project on the back burner, and a lot of it is stuff that I thought I couldn't really say for fear of spoiling some fairly major plot points further down the line.
We will get to that, but to say it's important to me to get it right is an understatement, that's my passion project, but I'm well aware of the fact that the majority of my audience enjoys futanari, luckily, I do too, there's enough for me to get excited about, and now I can make it without getting derailed by why it makes me feel funny feelings that I thought I shouldn't be having.
So about A414?
The above person is a huge character in the story moving forward.
At the time I made her, I invoked my very, very limited knowledge of blender and 3D at the time to hackfraud her into a scene.
But It was ham-fisted, badly rigged, and -terrible- to animate with.
And the subsurface sampling is way too frickin' high.
In these fully clothed, narrative driven scenes, it's not compelling enough to have 'good enough' animation, and despite my best efforts, I just wasn't getting there.
It became clear that it needed to be rebuilt from the ground up, I didn't want to introduce her in this episode, only for her to appear in episode 6, 7 8 or 9 as a completely different model and cause a huge deal of confusion.
So I hired someone to work on a model of her, and that was a very confusing process, because I could never decide on how she should look, I was looking for some kind of validation, some rendition of her that would spark a presence of arousal in me, whilst being unaware of why that feeling was so elusive.
There's nothing worse than an artist taking directions from a client that can't make up their mind, in this case that client was me.
That WIP we've shown before with a few snaps, it was the aforementioned 'godmesh' that I poured many thousands of pounds into trying to develop a way overbuilt and overengineered 'do absolutely everything' model that was going to be the answer to all my concerns.
But, that turned out to be a huge waste of time and money, it was way more than I needed, given I'd gained experience in the mean time that allowed me to produce scenes that would bridge the gap of believability with traditionally made models.
So where this has been left at the moment is I'm taking some time to have a concept artist work through a rendition of her that's going to be suitable for the character as a whole, something based off of her writing as a character rather than my fuzzy, intangible vision of an appealing woman.
At the same time this will involve filling out the roster of OC's that will form my virtual harem of characters that I've had plans to introduce for the last 5 years.
Then a traditional sculpt and a rig later, I should have something I can actually get started on.
Once I'm past that episode, it opens up a realm of other content I can produce as small 1 shot standalone pieces which can serve as little palette cleansers for me, so that not every project I start up is a 10 minute epic scene.
And telling you what that content would entail be will be very spoilery, so I'm not gonna say right now, but it's basically POV male milking experiments/1 shots that I can produce quickly, and is probably more synonymous with the original A414 story content I started with.
But this image is a bit of a hint.
On to the update
As mentioned, I'm working on DVA in the high yield lab currently, it took me a long while to get started with this one, at the time of me beginning was just about as I was starting to pick apart my sexuality, so I've been very distracted and did not make a start on it as soon as I would have liked.
In the last week however, since I came to terms with who I am, I've made tremendous progress, and am on track to have this finished in time for my intended release date.
Which is that I want to get this out in time for Christmas 2024.
Since you all like to see some breakdowns I'm going to go through a shot I worked on the other day, this is a moment where DVA believes she is about to cum but is denied by the machine
I liked this rendition a lot, using a smooth twisting motion in the machine added a lot of 'coaxing' like feeling to the process. I didn't feel like the ramp of intensity was quite right though, and the ticker part didn't feel very 'teasy'
This episode is all about desperation, edging and denial, I needed to hone in on that sensation, give the impression the machine knew exactly -what- to do, just chose not to.
The main tweaks here were to have the ticker part respond more dynamically to her cock, I made the angling of the head a bit more subtle, added that gentle little accidental stroke at the beginning before it moves into the focused attempt, and adjusted the stroke lengths a little to be a bit more deliberate.
I wasn't happy still with the ticker motion, the dismount felt a little off, and there were some parts where it didn't feel like it was responding dynamically enough, and the final stroke/dismount wasn't lining up with the voice work.
The final version ended up cutting some of the camera transitions so we could capture the moment of disbelief on dva's face as she is left there staring over the edge, I made the accidental strokes a little more deliberate, and added some sliding to the ring that encloses her glans.
I also backed off the amount of 'twitches' her cock did, less is indeed more in some cases, and this was one of them.
I also, for this one, decided -not- to use face capture, I felt manual animation allowed the flexibility and stylisation necessary to give the scene, her reactions and such the presence it needed, the face cap has it's place, but not for this scene.
I feel like before this week past, I would have avoided shots like this, to avoid the confusing sensations it would evoke, I felt like I would just feel like I needed to 'get past it' and produce 'good enough'
But that would have resulted in a poorer quality product, and would not have been reflective of the passion I set out to pour into this universe to begin with.
If I had to summarise my feelings towards my work that I've come to in the last week it would be these 4 words:
I am fucking back
Not that I ever went anywhere!
Bye for now.
Comments
Rubjoy Robot
I come to see hard cocks get attention, and I pretend its me... Its all fantastic, thank you for all your work. I cant get enough of it...I like this stuff so much I built my own robot.. haha..
nipps
Straight guy here, I like to think that its me in your videos, or with futa content is this kind of weird half-empathy-half-attraction thing. If it turns me on, who cares if its "gay"? Your content is great, don't worry about it. I always say about any creative endeavour, if you want to reach your full potential you need to go for the things that resonate with yourself. So just go for it!
Komarovo Sevastopal
YEA!!!
John
Whoo! Congrats on figuring out your orientation, bro!
murf36
Love your work. You just keep being you.
Rocky
who would have guessed the guy that makes futa content likes men this is an utter shock to me! Jokes aside futa (and your content specifically) is what made me question and come to the conclusion that i am, in fact, hopelessly attracted to men as well. Thanks for that :) you changed my life for the better.
MaximusJandari
If you’re asking for some kind of commitment from me about the definite future of all my content then. No. That’s not how this works. I have and will continue to produce whatever I feel like doing at the time!
LittleBoy
Okay ! Now that you cleared that up will you still be making video's of women in The Insemination Lab or is it just 100% Futanari video's from now on... Plus what's gonna happen to model that you already for example Ahri, Mercy and Sana ???
Intostuff
For me I don't care about your sexual orientation. I care about your content. If you come out with only gay stuff I might not stick around but that shouldn't deter you from making stuff you want. If I leave it's because it's not my thing over if your gay. That said the stuff your creating now I like. Thank you for your openness and bravery. I look forward to more great videos.
shadow13641
I don't care about the artist gender, race, sexual orientation or anything else. They bring fascinating work and they treat everyone with respect, then I support them. That’s enough.
MaximusJandari
Deal with it or leave. Complaining about it isn’t going to help anyone!
Alan Schlieper
WHEN you actually produce content it's great, the problem is that usually all we get from you is various excuses about why there is yet another month with no content.
Kurt Mueller
Can't see why I'd care that my straight porn is produced by a gay guy except that a gay guy would definitely know his way around a cock. I say bonus!
Vault Dweller
I love your work and it’s always great to get this stuff off your plate I’ll still support your work going forward
HiroSnow
Anyone who says videogame erotica is "just gooning" can soak their head. You made artwork that let you have conversations with yourself in a safe environment where you could contemplate your thoughts and reactions. This lead to self realization and now you are in a much better place than before. Congrats on your emotional journey and we will see more from you soon. I for one am proud of you.
Jordan S
I am glad you are finally able to accept yourself! I am Bi, it took me years of feeling bad and hating that aspect of my self and denying it to finally accept it, it's still difficult because of trauma/religious trauma from my past. This makes me so happy to see others accepting themselves for who they are! You are amazing!
Cool
ye i could tell by the ever more gritty penis on the models. Sadly the new penis models arent really making it for me tho (too male-ish). Will wait and see how Dva turns out, but whatever the case might be tho, you are doing yourself right by not living a lie. Some will leave, but some will come. But even if all were to leave which they wont. It never pays to live a lie !. So congratulations
Mpy Jsvlrt
This makes me so happy to hear! I am a bisexual man myself. I hope these art endeavours allow you to continue adjusting to your sexuality. Since I'm bi, I will always be a huge fan of whatever you decide to make!
Balazs Kiss
Dear Max... I am not a big commenter. This is my very first one on Patreon. I am 100 percent with you on the matter and I completely understand why it is important to you. I can only speak for myself but i can assure you it does not change anything. I am happy that you can be yourself and i wish you all the happyness. I am in awe of your videos and i will be as long as you keep making them.
C
I subscribed for cock in the first place and I'm excited to see more
drooler9001
As a bi guy, I'm glad you're living your life your way. Pride in the truth will let you make better art. Keep at it, dude.
Robert Thompson
I'm glad you decided to live true to yourself. I finally started my journey and got on hrt.
Maeve Kirkland
As a bi woman, I’m excited for you to do whatever you want. I enjoy it all so have yourself whatever your heart desires! But also. Hi gay, I’m mom.
Kirsty
One of us, one of us! Congratulations dude -- so happy for and proud of you for managing to work through all the complicated, scary, confusing emotions of coming to terms with your sexuality. I know it's not easy, especially when you have a lot of baggage from the environment you grew up in. I'd be very excited to see more male-focused content as well! I'd be delighted to see some male NPCs as in that harem, and some explicitly m/m content, should you ever go that route. And thanks for the progress shots on DVA, that's so cool to see!!
BlackNova
Glad to hear that you feel more at peace with yourself. Having family that fundamentaly disagree with who you are can be a terrible thing, looking forward to more awesome animations from you!
Eric Norsworthy
You're easily in my top 5 favorite artists. I almost never read posts, though I could tell you had something to say, and I read the whole thing. I can't imagine how hard it would be to not be allowed the freedom to be yourself. I hope happiness follows you everywhere you go.
ChitekiYoukai
A different perspective but perhaps one others can find useful. Firstly, my condelences on dealing with a family member who didn't handle differences well. People willfully forget how even trivial disagreements can hurt deeply, let alone large personal disagreements or misunderstandings. Family and friends really do impact so much more personally than vague notions of community. Congrats on doing something productive with your pain - few can manage such a feat. I would like to echo that as long as your content is the focus, and in line with what most people in the following like, I too will be sticking around. Oddly enough, I consider myself heterosexual, though have found that futanari exclusively is very erotic for me. This is why I voted for (and prefer) "full package" variants + female genitalia, even mentally retconning other variants while watching content. I rationalize this in my own mind with "females I can understand the arousal of", and since female pleasure is a massuve turn-on, the visual version of that really sells it (among other things). All this to say, that we've all grown up in an internet age, where we each likely have many feelings about various things outside of what we would usually aim for. I try not to worship these little vices, and still aim for the positive things, hence why I support your substantial efforts! We are who we are, and what we do in the bedroom is just a small piece of it. Onwards and upwards! <3
MJ
Welcome to the family! Hope this turns a positive and happy page in your life.
Sissyboy Matt
Welcome to the community! So happy that you feel comfortable now, I know I had very similar struggles too. From a content point of view I'd love to see more men in some of your scenarios with machines, more anal shots with huge dildos that pump cum like liquid inside them and then it oozes out.
Jimmy TwoTries
Congratulations ❤️❤️❤️. To be honest, I kinda miss when you would animate guys cumming, so hopefully you feel secure enough to explore that again.
Amber
Congratulations!! Sincerely!
Joshua veyna
Congrats man. I'm not going anywhere and love the work you do. Would be hot to see the robots milk a male character a few times. Keep up the great work
Captain King
Congratulations! Really sorry you went all though that, but I'm glad it's all past now!
Lucas the hare
I have not finished reading yet but absolutely support you!
Kyle Sorenson
Congrats, inspiration to everyone going through issues.
NotHorses
your post definitely reminded me how much courage there is in accepting yourself & coming out, even if things go well, just because you have to accept yourself thoroughly enough that you're okay with the possibility they don't go well. I'm glad to see all the support here in these comments; you deserve safety, love, and rest. I'm a gay trans man who's loved your content for years, but I've lurked, partially because I've been nervous to vocalize much out of an awareness that I haven't been the "intended audience"... more due to personal insecurity than anything I've seen anyone say, but there's always a fear that the Gay Feelings aren't welcome in Straight Spaces. Don't know where I'm going with this, but 🤷♂️ thanks for being open and vulnerable. You have a great community here.
Joe N.
Congratulations on coming out. I am straight but a Dad of a Pansexual Daughter, who I absolutely Love, who has had both boy friends and girl friend. Be who you are. Be happy in who you are!
D43132
I sure hope not. Heterosexuals should also feel welcome !
Flint
Welcome to the LGBT community <3
Scott Diven
Looking forward to it!! You do you!
james
Congratulations on finding yourself! You do great work and I know this will make it even better
TJ
Greetings from one gay to another!! 🌈 But seriously, I'm really happy you found yourself and it only makes me more of a fierce supporter of your work.
Bert
Now that we know you like balls, you have no excuse to neglect them in your art. But in all seriousness, I grew up under similar circumstances. My parents are ultra-conservative, racist, homophobic, you name it. There was no way I could have talked to them about the very, very confusing feelings I had. It took me until I was damned near 30 to really understand myself, let alone be comfortable enough to voice it. I'm 48 now and still not fully living my truest self. I'm proud of you for finding the courage. Big, proud, dad hug coming your way. <3
Tyler Seidel
Congratulations, and thank you for being your honest self ❤️
RadioActivRabit
Hell yeah! That is all
JT
Dude, you deserve to live your best life! I'm proud of you for having the courage to come out to your fans. Maybe you'll lose a couple patrons but, honestly, fuck 'em. Anyone who can't get over their bigotry doesn't deserve your art. On the subject of that art... I personally prefer your female, non-futa work, so you might imagine that I'd be worried that it's gonna be all dicks all the time now. But here's the thing: it doesn't matter. You make incredible content. I'm gonna stick around either way. If there's more inseminated vaginas, I'll be be thrilled. If not, I'll still be thrilled. Ultimately, I agree with you: pleasure is beautiful. Gay, straight, bi, futa, trans, robot, alien, tentacle, slime, or monster; a good time is a good time. Male, female, futa, or other, the quality of your content is unparalleled anywhere. So, don't worry; you should feel free to explore who you are and make the content that you want to make -- whatever that content is. We'll continue to support you. ❤️
Galvanax
I look forward to seeing how your content evolves from this point forward and I respect you for having the courage to make this update for us, thanks for being the awesome person that you are even when you didn't fully know who that was until now!
bruno
I’m so proud of you to open up like that, and it takes so much to finally accept who you are. And tbh, as a bi person myself, what I enjoy the most in your art is the edging itself, so I’m here for the ride, let’s fucking go.
TCP 3PO
This post probably encapsulates my sentiments for you as well. I am kinda mad I'm not good with words, so let me just say this. Keep doing you and keep up this amazing content and anything else you want to push out. I'll be here for it all!
Vincent
I'm glad you are finding yourself. I can relate to having parents who wouldn't understand if my sexuality were anything other than 100% straight (which it's not). Also, if what you truly want is to pivot to making gay content, then you should do it. The audience is out there.
Joshua Kovacs
Hey Max, it takes courage to open up and I admire that. It doesn't change how I view you or your work, I'm still here to support you and if anything it's an added bonus I get a little more insight behind one my favorite creators. You got this!
Random Randomness
Well it's awesome for you ! I mean, i don't really understand why it should change how i see your content but anyway I'm happy for you ! To be honest I'm more intrigued by what you said about gay angles and body parts... I have absolutely no idea what that would be but who cares. You're an artist who is clearly appreciated for its ultra high quality content. Be proud and be happy of who you are and what you've done. I wish you the best and I'll continue to support your futanari milking content anyway ! (The other content too ! I'm just a huge sucker for futa ahah)
LostGirl11
Proud of you and so happy for you to have discovered and embraced your identity. ❤️ We all love you and support you in this aspect, too.
Rando M.
Damn man, that is one impresive amount of reflection and honesty in one single post. I know you obviously dont need any of us to tell you that its ok to be yourself - including sexually -, but know that both you and your content are phenominal, are cherrished, and accepted by your community (and seriously, scr*w those who don't). And I personally cant wait for the next DVA video, looks great plot-wise already. I hope we can see her have some ruined orgasms in that device...
1471542530
Your job is great
Steeve Mcbees
Big love, be yourself, we got one life and whatever content you choose to do, you'll find people that apreciate it. Looking forward to new stuff!
Berata Nikto
Welcome, dude! You fought an amazing battle to get here! Proud of you!
Esra HA
I’m proud of you for realizing your truth. As a queer person I can relate to the experience of being held back creatively by being in the closet. I’m so glad that coming out to yourself (and now to all of us!) is helping you feel better about yourself and about your craft!
mil3sprow3r
Congratulations on discovering your authentic self 🧡 I love your work and will continue to!
Ancestress
Good on you, lovely. As a fellow patreon creator of adult content I understand what it can be like to put yourself out there like this. Being completely comfortable with yourself is only ever going to lead to better things -- not just for yourself, but for everyone around you. Nice one <3
Vash
Hey so I have no idea how everyone will react. But if it's poorly fuckem. Ya make great stuff and I'm glad ya felt that ya could share this with your patrons. I'm glad happy to support ya in this just like I do your work. Keep it up.
