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Outrun - Chapter 149

🕑 Added 2024-09-27 22:04:01 +0000 UTC

Comments

Gardor

Here I am turning lemonade into lemons, with my inability to keep my criticism to myself

Lost Rain

I went back and reworked everything you pointed out. Thank you!

Gardor

I usually don't bother to reread edited and/or retconned story bits, but I think i actually need to go back to the negotiations for this job and see what's up. Seems like it's had a bit of a cascading impact on her character and choices. The ride costs typically started at a hundred if that said anything-> prob need another noun in here, "hundred rayn" or "a hundred thousand", relative costs is a tricky thing for me wrap my head around in this world for some reason. Also I'd say "the cost of the service", just cuz "ride" can be interpreted as the actual vehicle, but that's probably me being silly. I nearly slipped off thanks to the sure momentum the flyer-> strong momentum? Or just "the momentum"? The air cushion paused my drop entirely as I felt light then air for a moment-> lighter. Also I think you may need to give a refresher on what exactly the "air cushion" is: is that a product of the tech or simply what you call air resistance as you're sky diving? Also at some point you mention her flipping over, please be more descriptive of her previous orientation. I think that bit about the lightning arcing "up" from the ground causing vertigo was meant to show that she was falling with her face towards the sky, but it a was a smidge unclear.

Lost Rain

I seem to have a surprisingly difficult time with homophones for some reason. I got it fixed. Thank you!

Alexander Belousov

"hair-brained" -> "harebrained", presumably


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