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Outrun - Chapter 144

🕑 Added 2024-09-16 22:04:00 +0000 UTC

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Lost Rain

I fixed everything. This chapter was a reveal, so the overtness was very much intentional.

Gardor

"It’d been eight years; I highly doubt anyone would put two and two together. " I can tell you're doing the slow reveal, and seeding hints along the way, for how she's related to this company. I'm just annoyed by the overt way it's always alluded to, especially given that we got like, three explicit paragraphs on the actual history of the business a chapter or two ago. Nothing constructive about this criticism, straight whining for whining's sake. her head booming to music with only one earbud-> bobbing? Bouncing? I don't think her head is actually being loud. Kyzen.” I barely managed to get a name out-> why? Did she not have a name picked out? I'm sorta leaning towards this being a "I was super emotional" situation, which I feel is both not well enough depicted given the other meanings, and also part of my first complaint of being too ham fisted. Also I don't think a random employee asking for her name is enough to make her get that emotional, unless...did she know this guy? She didn't have a surge of emotions with the other three employees she talked to. "I choked out around the sudden knot in my throat", is my begrudging suggestion.


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