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Remember Who You Were
🕑 Added 2025-05-17 04:00:03 +0000 UTC“Happy Anniversary.”
“Happy Anniversary, Adam”
They were standing next to their car. Adam had rushed around to the driver side he could hold the door for her. They exchanged a chaste kiss as she stepped out from behind the wheel. Reluctantly, she let go of his hand. “I can’t be late.”
“I’ll be in my usual spot.”
“Love you.”
“Love you. Always in all ways.”
Roana smiled every time he said that. She walked from the car into the restricted area of the stadium.
“That was sweet,” said a woman walking past Adam. “I hope Roana can keep her mind on the game.”
“You know she will, Edy,” he said. “She just won’t be hanging around for long when it ends.”
“I’m sure she won’t.”
“Go, Meteors!”
The other ball player smiled and entered the stadium.
Adam was going to walk away when he was waved over by Gus, a security guard for the stadium.
“I tell you everyday. You don’t need to buy a ticket, Adam. You’re married to our second baseman.”
“I don’t mind. If I sneak in here, I won’t get to see Janet at the ticket window.”
“I’ll tell her to stop by your seat once the ticket office closes.”
“You’re the best, Gus.”
Adam greeted several other stadium regulars as he made his way to his usual seat. Years ago, when he had introduced Roana to his friends, they laughed at him getting involved with a jock. She could talk them under the table when discussing sports in general. Adam still had trouble understanding the finer parts of pro-softball. But, he attended every game and cheered in all the right places now after going to all her games these past eight seasons.
Adam was a freelance computer programmer and this allowed him to travel with Roana when she was on the road half the summer. Today’s game was a home game and was the last game before a week off for an all-star game. She had a couple days off before she had to attend that. It was their five year wedding anniversary, today. And they were hoping it would be special.
Her team won the game. She’d made two stellar plays on defense while getting on base three of her four plate appearances. Adam waited by the exit with a few of the other players’ husbands and boyfriends. They were used to him not participating in the post game analysis and today was no exception.
When she walked out of the stadium her smile managed to become broader when she saw him. The other men catcalled as Adam and Roana kissed one another deeply. “You were amazing, Ro.”
“I’m sure the guys explained everything that happened on the field today.”
“He was paying much better attention today, Roana.”
“He was just staring at her ass, mostly.”
“It’s an ass worth staring at,” she said, displaying it to the men. “Let’s go. We have an anniversary to celebrate.”
“See you later, guys,” Adam said. He put his arm around her waist and they walked away arm in arm. His hand slipped down and he gave her ass a good squeeze to the other men’s delight.
As she drove them home, she said, “So, do I need to get all dolled up? Where are you taking me?”
“Patience. Yes, you have to get all dolled up. I knew you wouldn’t get out of the stadium until six. Our reservation is at eight. And before we leave, I have an additional surprise for you.”
“I love surprises. What is it?”
“Are you sure you know what a surprise is?”
“Very funny.” She down shifted the sports car and took the next turn at high speed.
“Shit!” Adam shouted. His hands were braced uselessly against the roof and dashboard.
She was laughing.
“You know I don’t like when you do that.”
“Yes. And you know I like it when you scream like a girl.”
“Sometimes you sound like your sister.”
“Aw, that’s not fair.” She pouted.
“I’m sorry. Your sister hates me. But, I know you love me.”
“I hope you know that.” Her eyes narrowed on a distant point ahead of them. “There’s another sharp turn coming. Tell me the surprise or else.”
“How about this? Tori approves of the surprise.”
“You told my sister? And she didn’t just hang up on you when you called.”
“Only the first time. The second time she picked up and said, ‘I guess it’s important. What, Jerkwad?’”
“Jerkwad? You caught her in a good mood.”
“I don’t know why she hates me.”
“She expected me to fall in love with a jock.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
“So am I. Jocks are usually self-centered asses. Now, tell me again about your love for me?”
“I love you. Always in all ways.”
At the house, she disappeared into the bathroom and got ready for an evening of wining, dining, and dancing or so she assumed. He had held onto the surprise despite her driving. Adam didn’t bother starting to get ready for another hour. Shortly after seven they were both ready.
“Are we leaving now? It seems early,” she said.
“It is early. We still have the surprise.”
“Oh, cool. Lay it on me.”
He pulled a box out from the top of his closet. Inside were two loose, black leather collars that would easily fit around someone’s neck. They were identical to the casual glance.
“When did you get kinky?”
“We only have to wear them for a moment. Here, put this one on.”
“Oh, wait. You told Tori. These aren’t…?”
“These are.”
“Fucking awesome.” She rushed to snap the collar around her neck. “Now what?”
“Hang on.” His collar snapped around his neck. “Now, we reach out and touch the other collar at the same time. Are you sure you want…?” Before he could finish, her fingers were laced around his collar. “Okay.”
He reached out and touched her collar. From their point of view nothing changed but their view of the room. She was standing where he had been. He was where she had been. Her fingers were wrapped around his collar but she was looking at his hand touching her collar.
“It worked?” He said. “I sound like you.”
“You are me.”
“And I’m you. Oh, god. You said you couldn’t find a swap device.”
“I found it. Am I wearing underwear?”
“No,” he laughed. He had meant it playfully. But from his mouth, it sounded a little dirty to him. “Be glad. If I’d known about the surprise, you’d be in a corset.”
“I should have checked before.”
“Well, we don’t have time. Where are we going?”
“I’ll tell you in the car.”
“Hey, Adam finally gets to drive the car.”
“Hooray for Adam,” said the new woman. As she walked out to the car on her high heels she seemed rather steady. “I always wondered how you could walk in these things. I feel so stable and balanced.”
“Yeah, and I feel like I need to get to a gym. I might have to say we aren’t doing this again until you get a little more lean muscle mass.”
“Why don’t you go to the gym for me?”
“And let you ruin my body? Fat chance.” He laughed at his own bon mots.
She entered their destination into the car’s GPS and they were told it was a twenty-two minute drive.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” He said a few minutes into the drive.
“I was thinking. We’ve never done a blowjob in the car because you always drive.”
“And now the dick in the driver’s seat.”
“Yes.”
“Just remember I didn’t ask,” he said. “I’m not stopping you either.”
She unzipped his pants and leaned in between the wheel and her stomach. “You’ve never asked me to suck your cock. I’m surprised.”
“I never thought you would.”
“I wouldn’t for anyone but you. Now, Roana is a cocksucker. How does it taste?”
“Not bad. I could get use to it. Or, I guess you could.”
“Not tonight,” he said. His body shuttered. “Can’t be sure. I think I’m close. This is fantastic. Why haven’t you ever asked me to do this to you?”
“I don’t <slorp> know.”
His hand pressed down on the back of her head. “There. Don’t stop. Don’t stop! Don’t… Oh, fuck!”
He came in her mouth so hard it clogged her ears. Later, she would say she didn’t hear what happened next.
The world was shunted to the right.
At the time, the deafening sound of metal scraping metal tore through the car like the front end of the other vehicle tore into the sports car. It spun around twice until it slammed through the front of a clothing store.
People ran toward the cars from an outdoor cafe that was only feet away from having become the sports car’s resting place. People shouted. None of the car occupants were conscious.
*****
The smell hit her first. She believed it was the antiseptic air of the hospital that woke her. It was daytime. She lay in a hospital bed with tubes in both arms. One of her legs was in a cast. There was a bandage on her head and left arm. “Nurse?” she croaked out.
No one was there. With her arm that was only covered in bruises, she found the call button and pressed it once.
An older woman appeared almost immediately. “You’re awake? That’s great. Does anything hurt?”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“I need to hear them all. Start wherever you like.”
“My head has a dull ache. My leg hurts near my knee. My arms hurt. I’m thirsty. And I hope you’re twins because. Oh, wait. Okay. I can see straight now.”
“You’re doing well. Do you know why you’re here?”
“Car accident. Did we run a light?”
“No. You were hit by a drunk driver. I’m sure the police will eventually interview you.”
“Where’s Roa… um.. Adam?”
“Usually I’d let the doctor tell you. But, he’s in the ICU.”
“What? Is he okay?” She tried to sit up more but the nurse put a gentle, but firm hand on her good shoulder.
“Try to stay calm. I’m not allowed to tell his condition. Let me get the doctor.”
“And a drink!” She shouted and immediately started coughing.
“I heard her! She’s awake!” a man shouted from outside her room. “Can I see her? I’ll just be a minute.”
Lance Washington entered the room. Lance was the manager of the Meteors. “You missed a mandatory practice, Ro.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Front office assumes you probably won’t be back this season. I’m sorry about that.”
“I’ve just awoken and I’m more concerned with Adam.”
“That makes sense. I just wanted to see you before the team got on a train tonight. Mend. I don’t want you missing too many practices. And I hope Adam get well, as well, my dear.”
“Thanks.” He left. In the hallway, he resumed the conversation he had before he entered. “See? I told you it would just be a minute.”
“Can you believe that guy?” Tori said walking past him at the door. “How are you?”
“No hug?”
“I know exactly who you are.”
“I look like this and you’re still like that.”
“You haven’t seen your body.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, dear sister, you might be a widow soon and I’ll be the only person who knows she’s gone.”
Roana cried. She hadn’t even considered trying to hold the tears back.
Tori dithered for a moment before exclaiming, “Fuck.” She was hugging her sister when the doctor entered.
“Mrs. Carmichael. I’m Dr. Anjit. Any pains we might not be aware of?”
“I don’t think so. Can I see Adam?”
“It’ll be a few days before you’re ambulatory, I’m sorry. Who is this?”
“Tori. She’s my sister-in… my sister.”
“Aside from any number of contusions and bruises. You have a cracked rib and a couple gashes on her head. The worst injury was to your left leg: a double compound fracture. The surgeons were able to save your leg. But some of the muscle had to be reattached. You’ll probably have some mobility issue permanently.”
“Will she recover to play softball again?” Tori asked.
“She should be able to walk without any noticeable limp after physical therapy. But, I’m afraid the outlook for her sports career isn’t great. You’ll get a more complete diagnosis when the orthopedist sees you.”
“How is Adam?”
“He is likely to survive. He’s been in a coma since the collision. There was some internal bleeding in his head and there are some negative readings on his EKG. We hope he’ll wake up soon. I’m sorry. We’re doing everything we can.”
“Can I go see him in the ICU?” Tori said.
“Usually no. Let me go with you so they don’t give you any grief.”
“I’ll be right back, Sis.”
“Okay.”
When Tori returned, she showed Roana a pic of Adam in the ICU.
“I don’t believe I can hate you more now.”
“Come close,” Roana said.
“What?”
“You worry you’ll be the only one who will know Ro is dead.” Tears flowed down her face. “Consider, I’m going to wake up every morning with my dead wife’s face staring back at me to remind me she’s dead. And everyone will pity me because, after the accident, my own sister abandoned me. Cry me a river. Now get the fuck out. I can’t stand hearing your microaggressions. And they can’t be good for my long term prognosis. Bet that really hurt considering the voice that said it. How does it feel when someone purposely tries to hurt you? Something ‘Adam’ has never done to you.”
Tori stood up and stared at Roana unsure how to respond. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
*****
A month later, Roana sat in a wheelchair next to Adam’s hospital bed. He had been removed from the ICU a few days earlier. She was telling him about her morning physical therapy session. Tori came in and gave her a perfunctory hug. Roana might say that Tori had become more affectionate since the night of the accident. But, it was only a slight change to anyone who was there a month ago.
“They work you hard, today?”
“They did. I know how much that pleases you.”
“Not as much as it used to. Any change?”
“No,” Ro said, deflated.
Tori hugged her again.
“What was that?”
“Just shut up and accept it.”
“Okay.”
She sat down in the other chair. “I heard the other driver died.”
“He did?”
“Yeah.”
There was only sorrow in their voices. They sat in silence. The soft beeping of the medical equipment ignored.
“Do you want me to take you to your room?”
“You just got here.”
“I’ve been here for an hour.”
“Oh. Okay. I don’t want to miss dinner.” She unlocked the wheels to her chair.
As Tori pushed her toward the elevator, she said, “What do you do when he wakes up?”
“Cry. Laugh. Kiss.”
“No, I mean after that. Adam is healthy except for the coma. They want to move him to a long term care facility.”
“I know. As long as I’m still here, they are keeping us together.”
“You’ll be discharged soon.”
“I know. I can’t wait for this cast to come off next month.”
*****
Tori was awakened by a nurse while it was still dark out. “What?”
“Come with me.”
“What? I can’t walk.”
“I know. Get in the chair.” The nurse wheeled a chair over and Roana managed to scoot herself into the chair.
The nurse pushed them through the hospital quickly to her husband’s room.
“Ro?” He said.
“Adam.”
He stood up and awkwardly walked toward her to hug her. They kissed. She could not stop crying.
“Thank god,” she said. “I thought I’d lost you.”
“You can’t get rid of me that easily. I guess we won’t be able to go out for our anniversary.”
“What?”
“Oh, they told me… they told me that was months ago. I forgot.”
“How is he?” She said to the doctor.
“We should talk about that. Mr. Carmichael, please sit down.”
“Okay. When do I leave?”
“Soon. You seem to have some amnesia. How long have you been married?”
“A year plus the time since the accident, I guess.”
“It’s been five years, Adam.”
“No. It was just a year ago.”
“Adam.”
“Oh. I’m wrong. Aren’t I? I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
Over the next few days, parts of Adam’s memory returned. Parts of it didn’t. He was happy to see his sister-in-law. He showed no signs that he thought she didn’t like him. He couldn’t remember anything about his job or about being a programmer. He didn’t believe Roana when she said he was a programmer but he also couldn’t recall what he did for a living instead.
The next time Tori was alone with Roana they cried on one another’s shoulders. “She’s gone.”
“I know,” Roana said.
“He doesn’t remember two lifetimes.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“What?”
“You ended up losing your sister.”
“You lost your spouse and your body. I should cry for you.”
“We can cry for one another.”
*****
Roana was finally home. Her physical therapy continued. Her prospects of getting back into playing shape were slim. And she really didn’t want to be a softball player. Adam took it harder than she did. They were sitting on a sofa in each other’s arms enjoying a quite moment when he said, “Why was I driving?”
“Hmm?”
“The accident. I was driving?”
“You were.”
“Why?”
“It was our five year anniversary. I… I was giving you one of your gifts.”
“What?”
She opened her mouth and moved her fist back and forth in front of it.
“You did? Did I crash the car?”
“No, the other driver ran a red light. It wasn’t your fault.”
“You never did that for me before. I’m remembering that correctly, right?”
“Yes, of course, that you remember correctly.”
“Is that something we only do on anniversaries?”
“We never did it before that night.”
“I feel so bad. I don’t even know if I enjoyed it. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She kissed him. “You did. One of the nurses in the hospital told me she had to explain to the attending emergency physician what the unusual milky white substance in my sinuses was. I was so glad I hadn’t been awake when I was brought in. The nurses razzed that poor man for over a week.”
“I’m sure you always dreamed of being brought into an emergency room with a head full of that.”
“Achievement unlocked.”
“Did you make a gamer joke?”
“Yeah.”
“You never get my gamer jokes.”
She was shocked he remembered even if it had been him who had been the one not getting the gamer jokes. “You’ve rubbed off on me.”
“I’m remembering you not getting the jokes but I don’t remember telling the jokes. I don’t even remember the content of the jokes. It’s very frustrating. But then, I don’t remember much about computing either. I don’t understand. I spent years working on computers. It’s all gone. I tried thumbing through one of my books. It’s all gibberish to me.”
“It’ll be okay. You’ll relearn it. You had an aptitude for it before. Or maybe you find something else you want to do.”
“I know. And you’ve been so supportive.” After some silence he said, “You know. You can talk to me, too.”
“What do you mean?”
He pulled her head onto his chest as he continued, “Softball. You have inside you all the knowledge of batting and fielding and how to play your position under the different circumstances during a game. But your body, even if it remembers how to do all these things, it just can’t or won’t when you’re better. Whenever I feel frustrated at forgetting something, instead of wallowing in self-pity, I remember we’ve both loss. We don’t have to suffer alone. We can support each other. We’re in this together. But, you don’t talk to me about it. You can cry on my shoulder. I won’t melt. I can say, ‘It’ll be okay,’ or ‘It’s not your fault,’ to you.”
She lifted her head. Tears filled her eyes. She’d have to try. But, she knew she really couldn’t talk to him. She didn’t think it would ever be the right time to tell him he was the softball star and she was the programmer. She had thought she’d internalized that. She’d cried on Tori’s shoulders every day in the hospital. She blubbered as she said, “Okay.”
He pulled her close again. “Oh, I didn’t want to make you upset. Please. Talk to me. You’ve been holding it in. I should have said something sooner. Tori reminded me the other day that you were going through a lot. She was worried you were bottling it up.”
Roana laughed. It sounded like a gurgle.
Adam didn’t hear it as a laugh. “It’s alright. Let it out.”
She laughed again. She held him so he wouldn’t ask her about the laugh. She wondered if Tori was being genuine or if this was yet another jab at her. She decided Tori meant well. And when she was able to believe that, she felt better. “Thanks. I needed that.” She blew her nose on the tissues he handed her. “When my back is feeling better, we won’t wait for our next anniversary to do it again.”
“You mean…” He gestured lewdly near his mouth.
“Yes.” They kissed.
*****
“What’s this?” Tori asked as Roana handed her a box.
“It’s the collars. We won’t need them ever again.”
“I… Okay. I’ll take them,” she said.
Roana just stood there. Her arm still posed like she were handing something to Tori. She looked at it and put it down by her side.
Tori regarded Ro sadly. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Being horrible to you.”
“I…”
“No. Sometimes when I look at you, I see my sister. Sometimes when I look at him. I see a stranger. I need to accept reality. Mom was telling me she was upset that we seemed distant to her and it hurt.”
“Olivia is… Mom is very good at making you feel things.”
Tori looked like she was going to say something when Roana caller her mother Mom. A smile broke out on her face. “Keep doing that. Keep calling her Mom.”
“What else would I call her?”
“You’re just lucky she wasn’t able to come here and take care of you like I did.”
“You don’t have to tell me that. She’d know by now if she had.”
“Yeah, she would. I thought about telling her.”
“I was surprised you didn’t.”
“I won’t now. You are my sister.”
“That means a lot to me, Sis.”
“So, when are you going to give me a niece or nephew to spoil?”
“Soon.”
“What?”
“What?”
“Soon?”
“Is that a problem?”
“Fuck you. I thought I could get one last needle in.”
“Sorry. I’ve been thinking about it. Adam has been applying for jobs. He’s had a couple third interviews. He’s at one right now.”
“Neither of you have mentioned this.”
“He went to a job fair without telling me. Some research company was there giving free aptitude tests. He learned he would be right for a job as a phys. ed. teacher. He’s at an elementary school right now doing an interview.”
“Seriously. Old Ro did say she wanted to go into coaching or teaching when she retired from the game.”
“Well, that isn’t happening. But, he was talking about seeing all the children at another school. He remembered us discussing having kids when I couldn’t play any more. I can’t play any more.”
“So, I missed the freak out.”
“Actually, I didn’t freak out. But, I did spend a lot of time alone deep in thought. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll get to experience it in a way I never dreamed of before. And that’s exciting.”
“What about you?”
“I haven’t told him. But I’ve been doing gig projects on the computer. No one knows my real name and I don’t need verifiable credentials to do these small couple of weeks website designs and similar projects. I won’t be able to get a job as a programmer. I would never be able to explain it to Adam. But, if he’s working outside of the house, and it looks like he will be, I’ll be able to do bigger projects without him knowing.”
“Until the babies come.”
“Babies?”
“Like three of them. The first two a year apart and the third one five years later. That would be ideal.”
“Adam said something like that.”
“He did?!” Tori’s face lit up with joy.
“What’s that face?”
“You don’t think sisters would have lots of conversations about having a family.”
“Are you saying Adam remembered that?”
“He may not remember talking about it with me. But, that was his go to ideal family.” She stopped as if she wasn’t sure she should continue. Roana nodded and Tori continued, “They were named Artie, Rebecca, and…”
“… Baby Nina. I’ve heard the list.”
“He remembered.”
“With a little prompting. You don’t think a couple married for five years didn’t have lots of conversations about having a family.”
“Oh, poo. Why were you such an attentive man when you were one?”
“Is that why you hated me? You were jealous Ro found a man who listened when you never had a lasting relationship.”
“If you weren’t my sister, those would be fighting words.”
“It’s a good thing then that I am your sister. Tell you what,” she said as they were hugging one another. “You can pester me about having nieces and nephews only if I can try to set you up with a good man.”
“No problem. We were both probably going to do that any way.”
“The difference is we’re doing it now with each other’s blessing.”
“Fine. You’re alright.”
“You’re still a bit so-so.”
“Roana!”
She smiled. “I love it best when you call me that.”
“I feel like I’ve spent too much time trying to remember who you were instead of getting to know who you are.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you, Sis.”
*****
“You don’t have to go again,” Adam said. “I know it was hard for you.”
You have no idea, she thought. “I couldn’t avoid the playoffs,” she said. “It was nice to see the gals.”
“It’s too bad you didn’t get to the playoffs with them.”
“I said that to them and they all hushed me. They didn’t think they’d have made it without my playing in the first half of the season.”
“They’re all great woman. We should invite a few over for dinner after the season ends. Edy, Michele and her husband Dan, Rena, Juliette and Rubinia.”
He rattled off a few more names and all Roana could think about was how wonderful he remembered their names even if she barely knew any of them.
“What’s that look?” he said.
“I love you.”
“Love you. Always in all ways.”
She looked away immediately. “I have to go to the… um… bathroom.” She was utterly shocked hearing the words she would always say coming from her spouse. Did he remember hearing them? Roana had never said them to him. Did it mean something about his memory? She was washing her hands when she realized after the initial shock, it felt amazing having him express his love for her like that. Had she always felt this way when he said those words?
He was waiting for her when she left the bathroom. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said cheerfully. “Let’s go out to eat. I don’t feel like cooking. We never did celebrate you getting your teaching job just the two of us.”
