Hey. Please don't read this if you dislike hearing about men..
🕑 Added 2022-08-16 01:38:55 +0000 UTC
Hey. Please don't read this if you dislike hearing about mental health. I will attempt to describe my absence from social media to the best of my ability and leave out upsetting things I don't find necessary to talk about. I will censor or not mention things which could imply that I in any way encourage harmful behavior. If you're curious but it seems like too much to read, skip to the end where I'll try to sum up my thoughts ("try" is the keyword).
So the last time I "disconnected" from my online presence I was admittedly in a very bad place which I attempted to talk about a little more positively on here. I did genuinely try my best to see the light and "fake it til I make it" which I guess wasn't the best approach. My depression was spiraling out of control and I wasn't fully acknowledging it until I was neck deep and drowning.
My original intention as you know was to take things slow and eventually heal myself, but I kept falling deeper and it got to the point where I didn't care if I wake up the next day or not. The guilt of not being able to come to work after not sleeping for 5 days, cutting off family and friends and basically leaving everyone including you in the dark was eating me alive. But the shame I felt when everyone was rooting for me to get better and I just couldn't do it was bigger. I expressed many times that I wish to remain genuine and don't want to post fake happy things, but going full on emo and drowning in self-pity isn't exactly healthy either. It's not that I was unhappy, I was just completely numb to any emotion and anhedonia made me lose interest in, well, anything.
At one point, months ago, I decided it will be for the best if I just completely stop all my accounts and try to get rid of some of the pressure I felt from having an online presence - mostly some individuals feeling entitled to invade my privacy and stalk me irl which was partly the reason why I became paranoid and *got bad thoughts* - but again the feeling of shame was greater than anything else. Someone I thought I was close to told me no one will care until I *do bad thing*. This sentence kept ringing in my ears for the longest time and recovering just seemed impossible. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and honestly it's all just a big blur now.
Finally, I managed to find a specialist I can fully trust and she seems to be really thrilled when she sees me making progress. She's had a major positive impact on how I view myself and my shortcomings at the moment.
I've been missing interacting and posting for you gradually more and more as I started seeing purpose in things again (obviously with the help of a good prescription), but didn't really know how to go about "coming back". I wanted to just start making content because that's the fun part right and somehow avoid explaining myself as shitty as that sounds. I felt like explaining myself will come across lame and tiring (deep down a little part of me still worries about this) in a way? I'm not the best with words, I repeat myself a lot until I get to the point and I'm extremely self-conscious of that coming across in a negative sense.
I was overthinking this post for way too long, knowing full well a lot of people treat this profile as a gallery of noods of a girl they find attractive and why the hell is she rambling on and on about mental health instead of posting boobs? :') But I also know there's a lot of you whom I've been interacting with almost daily for ages and disappearing after talking about my depression coming back in full force could've been worrying. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.
At the end, despite the last couple of months being an endless struggle and despite feeling insanely guilty, I owed you an explanation (again sorry for the length :( ).
I do want to get back to making content, my mind is clear right now and I feel I'm becoming more consistent with my daily life and social interactions. I took on a lot of new projects at work which I'm actually looking forward to and I haven't felt this way in the longest time. Still, I'm staying realistic. There will still be days where I feel low and not confident enough to post here. And I will still be crying my eyes out every now and then, but I think being honest about it with you and myself is the best way forward.
I had to censor and change a few things in this post in order to be able to talk about this responsibly without breaking the TOS, I hope it's still readable and understandable. :') I didn't try to describe what my crippling depression feels like because it's very difficult to put into words and this post would then turn into a whole book. Talking about these things openly was never really my thing mainly because of the stigma around it, but I don't think I could've conveyed my feelings to you properly without going a bit deeper into the topic.
I apologize to everyone who found this uncomfortable to read. I hope you're all staying healthy and happy and that you don't hate me too much!
