morejocelyn
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my first casual, mostly-naked, unscripted, unedited, no filt..
🕑 Added 2020-10-12 18:57:42 +0000 UTC my first casual, mostly-naked, unscripted, unedited, no filter, no makeup vlog is in the post below this (please watch). In it I attempted to walk you through why I’ve been making less and less content here on my page. Why it is that logging into OF each morning has given me more anxiety than excitement, like it used to. Doing online sex work has been making me feel depleted, so I decided to unpack it and look at my relationship to my work, my body, sexuality...my sense of identity. The most overriding feeling has been of Guilt. Guilt about not making enough content. Guilt about where I am at this stage in my career. Guilt for putting so much pressure on myself to embrace the “pornographer” identity. Guilt for not being more authentic here. Guilt about how many subscribers I have lost and feeling like I have "let them down". I am currently hanging onto 100 subscribers, which is far cry from the 350 subscribers I had just three months ago. That number drop is huge. When your income/earnings are based 100% entirely on what strangers think about you as a person and what strangers think about your body... that can be a mind fuck seeing your income drop by 70%! It sends a message (whether true or not) about a person's self worth. That’s a pretty intense reality to live in, and very different from every other career industry. Sex work is not for the faint of heart. Ive been an esc0rt for 15 years, but online sex work is very new to me. Within the SW industry, we talk a lot among ourselves about how very differently and challenging online work is compared to in-person work. Once the pandemic popped off, it was a sink or swim mentality, and I had just been tossed into the deep end. Embracing this new identity while simultaneously learning a whole new business model, has lead me to push my own boundaries. I’ve been able to have such a long successful career as a sex worker because I have held firm boundaries around my time, people’s access to me, my body, my sexual limits. My autonomy is what has kept me alive and for the most part thriving. Here in online work, the rules shift and that’s been a new challenge. I realize I am sort of breaking down the fourth wall here (and in the video below) but surprise! ...sex workers are not forever in a state of arousal and horny and wet. Porn stars are not. Esc0rts are not. Cam girls are not. None of us are actually 24/7 frothy sluts. None of us remain in a state or eroticism and sensuality. The body doesn’t work that way. The mind doesn’t work that way. Coming into an erotic and sexual mental space requires effort and intentionality. Sex work is a job. Porn is a job. Content creating is a job. And like any job, we play a role. I know I play a role but I dislike playing “roles” that don’t feel authentic. This is a pornographic platform, yes. But solely making porn is NOT authentic for me. And if I have to be a “one trick pony” I don’t want to do this at all anymore. I have figured out that to continue with online sex work and in order to remain here on this platform and indeed keep making smut; I need to circle back to what I know best. I need to reintroduce a bit more of myself, a bit more nuance again, and remember how juicy subtly can be. I have always thought “less is more” when it comes to my personal expression of lust. I have been trying so hard to be a pornographer, I forget that I am actually really good at emotional labor and at the aesthetics of smut. I want to get back to that. Making less explicit content will in the end actually boost my interest to make the raunchy stuff 💦 The last 7 months here have a lesson in boundaries and recognizing that I have crossed many of my own, which is why I have felt so shitty. Feeling shitty meant I was making less content, which then cost me more than half of my monthly income, which is beyond stressful, but maybe now I can feel good about what kind of visual media I make again. Thank you so much to the handful of you whom have stayed with me all this time, even as my content slowed down. The implied message of my subscribers leaving in hordes felt pretty shitty, but those of you whom have kept on, that message has beautiful and heart salve. Thank you. So then. More casual semi-nude vlogs coming soon. What would you like to hear me talk about? Should they be themed or more free-form off the top of the dome? 🧐🤔
